Carlos Carrasco was bumped from the rotation. Do I smell a 400-foot, long-tossing fool from Columbus, Ohio that has a rap group that plays to sell-out shows in the furnished basement of his parents’ house? Trevor Bauer, your time is near. I said that last line in a Darth Vader voice. Trevor, I am your father. I said that in the voice of someone who has a son named Trevor. Am I confusing you? How about now? Trevor Bauer may have overcome his past WHIPping post issues and could be usable in all mixed leagues. They worked with Trevor in Triple-A. They taught him to pitch from the rubber instead of short center. I would speculate on him, as I said in Friday’s Buy column, I wouldn’t go and drop anyone too crazy valuable. Josh Tomlin may instead be called up to replace Carrasco. Tomlin can’t pitch out of the bullpen because it takes him like 2 innings to get out of his oversized chair. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jason Kipnis – Left yesterday’s game with an abdominal strain. That has people in Cleveland screaming like they saw a mythical creature, “ABDOMINAL…..NO….MAN!”
Corey Kluber – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER. Honestly, the Indians could bump everyone from their rotation.
Carlos Santana – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer and 2nd in as many games. If it’s getting stuffy in here, it’s because Santana’s buy window is closing.
Josh Hamilton – Nearing baseball activities after taking one-handed swings on Monday. One-handed swings, huh? Are we sure he didn’t set up Dr. Richard Kimble?
Erick Aybar – 4-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. Last week, I said he wasn’t a .209 hitter. Well, he’s not anymore. He’s hitting .292.
Archie Bradley – To the 7-day DL with a flexor strain in his throwing elbow. The good news, this will make it harder for Kevin Towers to sell Bradley for fifty cents on the dollar. Do I hear thirty-five cents?! This brings us to a good point that I will be making right after I do this clunky intro, is Bradley any different than Marcus Stroman or Trevor Bauer? They’re just young pitchers. They could roofie you. In most redraft leagues, you can probably get their production off waivers from a guy like Tyler Skaggs or Josh Beckett or any number of other guys by just using the Stream-o-Nator.
A.J. Pollock – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer, hitting over .350 in the last week. How many Pollocks does it take to spot a hot schmotato?
Wilin Rosario – MRI showed no breaks in his hand. His doctor, Kurtis Blow, was bummed.
Jacoby Ellsbury – Didn’t start yesterday due to minor hand pain. Will be interesting to see what people, who claim Ellsbury is only prone to fluke injuries, say when he has a non-fluke injury. “Just a fluke that it’s a non-fluke injury!” That’s them.
Michael Pineda – Out a month with a strained lat. You know what would make his lat feel better? A three-inch coat of pine tar. Sounds like David Phelps will stay in Pineda’s spot in the rotation. Imagine what could’ve been if the Yankees had Buhner in the rotation. Phelps has been great for Ks, but real iffy for control. Definitely worth a look in AL-Only leagues, but pretty borderline for mixed leagues as of now.
CC Sabathia – 5 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA is at 5.11. Damn, I bet Sabathia thought he’d never see 511 again.
Mark Teixeira – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer in the last week. By the time, you can regret not picking him up, he will be injured again.
Willie Bloomquist – 2-for-4, 1 run. The Honorable Willie Bloomquist played instead of Brad Miller, and, ugh, this hurts to say, it makes sense.
Chris Young – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks. It was overcast, so the Yankees had a hard time picking up the ball coming out of his hand-slash-clouds.
Mike Zunino – 4-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. Doesn’t his last name sound like a poor attempt by the National Hurricane Center to name a hurricane with a Z? “Oh no, it’s El Zunino!”
Justin Smoak – 2-for-5. 1 RBI. Hey, it’s our season’s first hot schmotato that appeared to be something greater, but maybe now he will get hot again and be something greater. Got it? Good!
Matt Cain – Scratched with a cut finger. I hope he wasn’t handling food products.
Yusmeiro Petit – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks. Was just filling in for Cain, though he looked a lot more Able.
Angel Pagan – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Sonavadrop! But I thought he had a knee issue that was sending him to the DL? Dah!
Jason Vargas – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER. More like Varburp.
Salvador Perez – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Sitting Shiva Perez is still struggling when someone greets him with good morning, thinking, “What’s so good about mourning?”
Jarrod Dyson – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 5th steal. SAGNOF!
Jose Bautista – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 8th homer. Please, just stay healthy. It’s all I ask (well, that and every player that is on any of my teams also stays healthy).
Edwin Encarnacion – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Still would be concerned about him, and be looking to sell.
Brett Lawrie – 2-for-4, hitting .192 now, after languishing in the .160’s for weeks. May not have Lawrie to kick around anymore, that’s until he runs into a wall like he’s a puppy chasing a flashlight.
Aroldis Chapman – Will start his rehab assignment on Thursday and will probably return by the following Thursday. Bu-bu-bu-but what about my cheap, bootifull, SAGNOF-y Broxton?!
Billy Hamilton – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his first slam & legs in his major league career. If only Marge Schott were alive to see the homer, she could’ve texted a frownie to Donald Sterling.
Alfredo Simon – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, 1.60 ERA. Yeah, I don’t buy him at all. I don’t care if he’s holding a gun and tells me, “Simon says pick me up,” I’m not touching him.
Zack Cozart – 2-for-4, 1 run, hitting .165 on the year, but that won’t continue. I mean, it’s not like he’s great, but he’s not a sub-.200 hitter. If you’re desperate, I could see trying to catch fire in a schmotato.
Alex Wood – 5 IP, 7 ER as the Braves sat out half the lineup yesterday because Fredi Gonzalez wanted to demoralize my Wood. Don’t neg my Wood!
Jose Fernandez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks. Wanna have a good laugh at my expense? After three starts last year, I dropped Jose Fernandez. It still stings! No fear, I still won that league, beating Rudy. *low building laugh*
Jarrod Saltalamacchia – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 5th homer. He now has three homers in the last four games. Salty on a hot schmotato? Yummers!
Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Only 28 more! (I think he might get there by the All-Star Break. Hey, Giancarlo, smoochies from Grey!)
Ed Lucas – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI. Anyone the Marlins put at 2nd base hits! Well, anyone but the guy they actually signed to play there.
John Lackey – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, 3.83 ERA on the year, but has actually pitched much better than that — 8.8 K/9, 1.8 BB/9, 3.17 xFIP. Lackey’s been unlucky — say that fast 117 times! — and I could see owning him.
Shane Victorino – 4-for-4, 2 RBIs. First multi-hit game since he returned from the DL and it could be the start of something. Haven’t loved him since he started rehabbing, but I’ll love anyone if they’re hitting. I’m a slut!
Will Middlebrooks – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 1 RBI. Don’t you want to call him Will Meredithbrooks? No? Okay, that’s on me then.
Kevin Kouzmanoff – Needs back surgery on a herniated disk. They should abbreviate that HD, like compact disk is CD. I just fixed you, Queen’s English. Ta!
Martin Perez – 4 2/3 IP, 8 ER. Fangraphs Database decided to dump a whole bottle of Liquid Paper on his stats all at once. “We don’t carry off-white Liquid Paper. We want the world to know we’ve corrected a mistake!”
Leonys Martin – 1-for-4 and his 8th steal. I haven’t had a chance to talk much about Leonys so far this year because he hasn’t had (m)any big games. He’s hitting .307 and on pace for 40 steals. What, you don’t like wonderful?
A.J. Griffin – Will undergo Tommy John surgery because he succumbed to peer pressure.
Yoenis Cespedes – 1-for-1, 3 runs. Well, of course he had so many runs; he’s got a hundred legs.
Josh Reddick – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st steal. Where on earth did this young brother’s power go? Reddick as a slap hitter is far from interesting, and sounds downright unseemly.
Derek Norris – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and hitting .365 on the year. Has been outhitting his platoon-mate, John Jaso Jingleheimer Schmidt, by a country mile, but the A’s would platoon Ted Williams if he couldn’t hit a lefty for three games in a row.
Justin Verlander – 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, but was actually outpitched by Jose Quintana (6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks). And you thought I couldn’t find a way to take a Quality Start by Verlander and make it negative — ha!
Chris Sale – Robin Ventura said there’s a “slim at best” chance he rejoins the rotation this weekend. I’ll say his chances of staying healthy the rest of the year are slim to anorexic.
Cole Hamels – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER. I didn’t like Hamels coming into the year, but, on the fo’really, did the entire league get hit hard last night? Did MLB test all hitters for steroids on April 28th, so they knew it was safe to shoot up yesterday? Did Mark McGwire have a birthday and make a wish? I got questions, y’all!
Jon Niese – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks. Oh, I see, not every pitcher got hit hard. It was opposite day in the majors. I keed. (Kinda.) Niese does have a 2.20 ERA thus far and it’s not a complete product of luck. He doesn’t get many Ks, and as the Stream-o-Nator would tell you, don’t go near his next start.
Daniel Murphy – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 6th steal. After I saw Hamels got hit hard by the Mets, I looked at the box score and tried to piece together where the RBIs were. I still don’t know.
Josh Willingham – Cut his hitting session short due to soreness in his wrist. He said he couldn’t tag a ball right now with spray paint and Banksy.
Doug Fister – Aiming to return to the rotation on May 7th. Washington hasn’t gone as far to say that will be National Fister Day, which is prolly for the best.
Jayson Werth – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer. If you put Werth in your UTIL spot and Bryce Harper in your first DL slot and look at your team real quick, it looks like Harper did something.
George Springer – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs. Here’s a quick trick — sorry, allusion — everyone is crazy for Gregory Polanco right now. They were that crazy for Springer about ten days ago.
Chris Carter – 0-for-4, hitting .160. Bring up Jon Singleton already! Carter doesn’t even work a count. It’s like he’s in a rush to strikeout. I will call him Hurry-K’d Carter.
Lyle Overbay – 2-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .308. I am not proud at all to be saying this, but I grabbed Overbay in an NL-Only league. At least he’s healthy, not something that can be said about most of the Brewers team.
Jhonny Peralta – 2-for-5, hitting over .300 in the last week with two homers. Hhot schhmotato.
Jaime Garcia – Will start rehab assignment on Sunday. You think when he goes up to a hostess and says his name the hostess says back, “Hi, you?”
