A Memorial Day For Vet Pitchers

Hope everyone had a great Memorial Day! Let’s honor our vets by looking at the way vet pitchers adapt despite their best selves no longer shiny and new. I’m reminded of Justin Verlander. Not this year’s Verlander. That guy is just old and dusty. I’m reminded of Verlander under Dusty. When he looked gassed and disillusioned coming off terrible years on the Tigers. Would he become a shell of himself and quit the game to do marginal podcasts using his name that he once made famous and interrupt his brother’s business model? Or would he reinvent himself? And like John Travolta in Pulp Fiction, the reinvention was under way. Now, Kevin Gausman (8 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.68) walks a similar path. No longer does he possess his best stuff, but his pinpoint command has made it so he’s been remarkably valuable, even without huge Ks. Then, you have Jacob deGrom and whatever the hell that was. He went 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, zero Ks, ERA at 2.42. Elias Sports Bureau said, “This is the first time deGrom in 229 starts that he did not strikeout someone, we think. The caveat ‘we think’ is because Owen spilled Orange Drink on our hard drive, and we saw this factoid on Google and that’s not as trustworthy as it was.” A tale of two vet pitchers and one who might need the vet. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Kumar Rocker – Bruce Bochy said he’s considering using Rocker as his closer when he returns. Bochy then pushed a handkerchief into his right ear and pulled it out of his left ear. Nah, for reals, when I see a guy with a 8.10 ERA, my first thought is, “Closer.” I guess Rocker does have the “failed starter” thing going for him.

Wyatt Langford – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer, hitting .244. Fun fact! The opposite of “Why not” is Wyatt.

Daulton Varsho – 3-for-4 and his 8th homer, hitting .221, as he hits third. That’s eight homers in 20 games. If he played 162 games, he’s going to hit 80 homers. “I’m at a Memorial Day BBQ, where I’m prorated to eat 15 hot dogs, after eating 1.5 in an hour, since I’m expecting to stay here for ten hours, so I don’t have time to check your math, but Varsho hitting 80 homers, sounds wrong.” That’s Mr. Prorater.

Gavin Williams – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners (6 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 4.27. Wasn’t a good start vs. the Dodgers, but on the other hand, I didn’t expect it would be.

Shohei Ohtani – 1-for-3, 3 runs and his 19th homer, hitting .295. Shame the shoulder surgery is hindering him. Would be cool if he already had 40+ homers.

Will Smith – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 5th homer, hitting .333. So wild how different of a game Ohtani is playing. Will Smith? Not a bad hitter, has five homers; Ohtani 19. Wild.

Yoshinobu Yamamoto – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.97. Yah ‘moto be there!

Jonathan Aranda – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .302. Has cooled off a bit in the last two weeks, hitting .176 in the last week and .222 in the last two weeks, prior to yesterday. His BABIP is still inflated (.380) so he is likely to come down a bit still, and he gives no speed whatsoever.

Danny Jansen – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, 2nd homer in a week. Welp, roughly eight days ago wasn’t a great time for me to drop him.

Zack Littell – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.97. Solid strikeout game for him, since he has a 5.8 K/9. A five point eight strikeout per nine? Is he Bill Gullickson? Hey, man, are you Rick Rhoden?

Chris Paddack – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.92. His peripherals are The Worst I’ve Seen From A Guy With A Sub-4 ERA, which is a bit unfortunate.

Carlos Correa – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .238. Solid stats if this were April 3rd. Not bad if this were April 13th. Bit troubling if this were April 23rd. Droppable if this were the 1st week of May.

Derek Hill – Hit the IL, and the Marlins called up Victor Mesa Jr. aka the Kiddie Table. KT has speed and likely no playing time, except for the crayons provided by the waitress to color the placemat.

Jesus Sanchez – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, hitting .231, and leadoff. What’s kinda interesting, Sanchez has four steals in May and was caught last night. If he wants to steal 20 bags, that’s interesting.

Ryan Weathers – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.15. Should be at 100% rostered. Can’t say it much clearer.

Manny Machado – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, 2nd homer in two games, 3rd in four games, hitting .319. Macho macho Machado!

Randy Vasquez – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.58. His peripherals are The Worst I’ve Seen From A Guy With A Sub-4 ERA Much Worse Than Paddack, which is also unfortunate.

Andrew Heaney – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.41. I only start Heaney when he has a two-start week, so if he’s pitching on Monday, I’m starting him. I might need to reevaluate.

Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 15th homer. 35 homers since last All-Star Break; Bobby Witt Jr. has 21.

Ryne Nelson – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.79. Tried to grab Nelson in every league this past week for this two-start week, but he’s also got some nice numbers cooking under the hood — 8.1 K/9, 2.6 BB/9, 3.37 xFIP. Bit more of a monocle than a grab in the shallowest of leagues, but I could see 12-teamers and deeper grabbing now.

Josh Naylor – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .287. Can we take the humidors out of stadiums now? I’m gonna run on the campaign promise, “Let’s try dry air again.”

Adrian Houser – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 0.00. “Hello, is this Orel Hershiser? Well, guess what buddy? Guess what the eff is up? Your consecutive scoreless inning record! It’s going down! This is Adrian Houser’s fantasy owner, that’s who?! Uh, 12 innings scoreless so far. Hello? Hello, are you still there?” Hmm, seems he hung up. Hold on, I’m gonna call him back. “Hello, is this Orel Hershiser? Guess what dipshit–Hello?” Hmm.

Clay Holmes – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.98. Clay Holmes as starter > Mariano Rivera as starter.

Michael Lorenzen – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.33. Feel like when a guy has a good matchup and screws us, it’s because he personally hates us. I don’t think I did anything to him, but I know one of you did. Fess up now! You betrayed us! Step forward and accept your punishment!

Salvador Perez – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .226. Think someone found the painting of his younger knees in his attic and destroyed it.

Tyler Stephenson – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .209. When you forget a guy plays baseball still, it’s not a good sign. He could get hot, but to say he’s been bad is insulting to ‘bad.’ Apologize to ‘bad’ right now.

Nick Martinez – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.48. If you started him for a two-start week, one down, and the next one is going to be–Well, can you wish an IL stint on Martinez before his next start?

Pedro Pages – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, 2nd homer in five games. Between Herrera and Pages, the Contreras brothers, and whatever it is the Cubs are feeding their catchers, the NL Central has some productive catchers.

Erick Fedde – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.90 vs. Charlie Morton – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 7.09. This matchup was billed as, “Fedde/Usually whopped.”

Dylan Carlson – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (2) and legs (1), 2nd homer in two games. Hot schmotato alert!

Porter Hodge – On the IL with an oblique injury, and Cubs said he’s currently in a holding pattern. Him and Nathan Fielder in The Rehearsal season 2. If you haven’t watched this, please begin immediately. You don’t need to watch the 1st season — you should, don’t get me wrong — but you can skip right to second season and have your mind blown.

Jameson Taillon – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.86. The number on the Streamonator for Taillon’s call was $64.40. That might be the highest I’ve ever seen for a fairly meh starter. Facing the Suckies in a road game is the ideal matchup.

Mickey Moniak – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. In the land of Sammy Sosa’s corked bats, someone uncorked Moniak’s schmotato.

Orlando Arcia – Signed with the Rockies because Thairo Estrada was last seen on a milk carton in the Boulder, Colorado area. Anyone who knows the whereabouts of Thairo Estrada, please contact the authorities. The Suckies signing Arcia reminds me of the Angels signing guys no one else wants. Speaking of which…

Chris Taylor – 0-for-3, hitting .184, as he played center field after signing with the Angels. As I just said yesterday when they signed Oscar Colas, they’re named the Angels, but do they have to claim everyone who is left for dead? Angels peruse the DFAs of other teams like an antiquer who specializes in cuckoo clocks because it reminds them they’re mentally ill.

Zach Neto – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer, 2nd homer in a week. I’m brucely still in shock they signed Chris Taylor and started him immediately. Like he’s good.

Ryan Yarbrough – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.96. Welp, I have to look at what is going on here, huh? [opens his player page, eyes fall out of head in shock] Hey, anyone see my eyes? I saw Yarbough had a 8.9 K/9, 2.8 BB/9 and 3.74 xFIP and I lost my eyes. He gets Dodger Stadium next, which is a no-can-do, but I have to monocle, right after I locate my eyes.

Hayden Birdsong – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 2.48. He’s not quite as good as his current ERA, but no one is, except maybe Skubal. Birdsong should have solid Ks, solid command, solid tunes if you’re a mockingbird. Clearly, yesterday wasn’t the best of days, but we persist.

Keider Montero – 5 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.54. Would’ve been a nice stream, Streamonator hates his next one, and I don’t blame the robot.

Garrett Crochet – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.04. When I see 11 or more strikeouts — not 10, but 11 or more — I think, “That guy is an ace.” It can be Miles Mikolas or Crochet. If it’s Mikolas, then I stop thinking it, but it momentarily crosses my mind because there’s so few instances of 11 or more Ks. I might be miscounting, but I think it’s happened only 25 times this year (Vin will know for sure in the comments).

Jackson Chourio – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer, hitting .246. Been a bit of a disappointment so far this year, but through this time last year he was hitting .211 with five homers, and you drafted him this year for a reason, i.e., BUY!

Logan Henderson – Optioned to the minors. [sobs into a mirror as I smear lipstick up the sides of my lips, making a ghoulish smile] Brewers’ beat writer said, “DL Hall is up for his season debut after a lat injury. He joins Aaron Ashby as a multi-inning option out of the bullpen. Pat Murphy said they want to keep Logan Henderson preserved and on schedule as they anticipate the returns of Quintana and Woodruff.” And I said, sure, whatever you say, Pat Murphy, you Bourbon Street-sounding bar.

Chad Patrick – 4 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.97. I just made up a guy in my head that would pass Cy Young for most wins in MLB history. Comes in after a starter goes 4 2/3 IP in every game, and throws to one hitter. DL Hall (2 1/3, 1 ER, ERA at 3.86, and the WIN!) you can win 512 wins! In all seriousness (as if this is serious), if you were to designate a guy The Win Guy, and he only comes in at 4 2/3 IP in a winning game, he’d get to about 300 wins and MLB would suddenly see the stupidity of giving a guy the win for pitching to one batter. Sure, it would take 10 years of a guy winning 30 games a year, and ten-straight Cy Youngs, but eventually MLB will change the win. This is also the beginning of my Petition dot org titled Change The Win.