Twins Lets Zebbybody On The Tigers Hit A Homer

The Tigers are pound-for-pound a mess, and that is embodied by Colt Keith (2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs), as he had a slam (1) and legs (3). First home run and 3rd steal feels kinda unreal. On the Player Rater, we have how much value a player has had over the course of the season and how much per game. Colt Keith’s value per game is negative $10 in almost 200 at-bats. That sounds like some kind of record — Let’s call it the Milli Vanilli record — but Keith isn’t even in the bottom five for guys with 190+ ABs and being that awful. You wanna know them? Okay, this is sad though: Jeff McNeil (-$15), Luis Rengifo (-$14.6), Steven Kwan (-$13.6, and is most rostered of these guys), Tyler Stephenson (-$11.6), and Caleb Durbin (-$10.5). Also, in this game, Spencer Torkelson (1-for-4, 2 RBIs, 10th homer, hitting .211) is 19th worst (-$5.5). Zach McKinstry (2-for-3, 2nd homer, hitting .192)? Oh, yeah, he’s awful too! Per game at (-$10.7) and -$22.6 on the year, but under 150 ABs. Wenceel Perez (1-for-1, 2 RBIs, 7th homer) is also awful (-$6); Wenceel indeed. Gleyber Torres (1-for-4, 4th homer) is merely mediocre per game ($3.7), but awful on the year (-$7). Finally, Riley Greene (1-for-3, 2 RBIs) hit his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in three games, as he hits .301. He is not bad at all ($8.3/game) As mentioned the other day, Greene’s BABIP is too high (.411). He’s actually a .270 hitter, so some correction will happen and he’s hitting closer to a 25-homer guy than the 36 homers last year, but that could change if he gets into a few. He’s still hitting the ball hard; it’s just his HR/FB% has bottomed out. So, Riley is actually good, not just compared to the rest of these Berry Grody hitters for the Motown Malapropisms. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Tarik Skubal – Will return on Saturday. He back so fast to help the Tigers get into the playoffs–Actually, being told it’s a contract year.

James Outman – Claimed off waivers by the Tigers. That’ll do it. That’ll fix them. They’re fixed now.

Keider Montero – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.61. He’s actually as bad as those hitters in the lede (6 K/9, 2.1 BB/9), but as a pitcher who has been lucky. Way to be consistent, Tigers!

Zebby Matthews – 6 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.20. Twins seems to have the largest deficit between “how good people think their prospects are” and “how good they actually are.” Yo, Zebby, you’ve been relegated to selling real estate in Tampa with Alex Kirilloff!

Adolis Garcia – Pulled a muscle in his shoulder. He was this year’s only true case for a possible Zombino. Geez, Zombinos have fallen on hard times. I blame low-priced wooden stakes. Further proof Adolis is not well, the Phils traded for Derek Hill, and he was about to be DFA’d, due to Braden Montgomery’s promotion, so, yeah, not much to him either.

Luis Robert Jr. – Hopes to return this year. Oh…[walks from Vancouver to Cape Horn]…kay.

Christian Scott – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.10, and I have to find a new guy to pick up in my RCL because you get a matchup you should win vs. the Cards at home and you do doody, then I move on. Them’s the rules, which I just made up.

Juan Soto – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 14th homer. Ya know I love Sexy Dr. Pepper, but doesn’t it feel like: If the Mets are going well or terribly, Soto does exactly what he always does, and doesn’t get too high or low on the good or bad vibes. The consummate professional who just shrugs whether things are good or bad. Maybe that’s a good thing, I don’t know.

Bo Bichette – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .227. The Marla Gibbs Line! By the way, Marla Gibbs? Still alive at 94! Stay blessed!

Jared Young – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, 2nd homer in a week. He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy column. That’ll really tempt you to return later! Jared Young! Guy who you thought was Jacob Young about a minute before you started reading this!

Hunter Dobbins – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.63. Was expecting Dobbins not to be very good under the hood, but he’s pitched well so far — Hogwarts and all. Sitting on a 9.9 K/9, 3.6 BB/9, 3.21 xFIP, but it’s only 17 1/3 IP, and his career numbers say he’s not that good, but I’m not against a monocle.

Alec Burleson – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer, 3rd homer in three games. He has same number of homers in three games as Vlad Jr. has all year, he said while he looked out to a rainy afternoon. The rain ran down the window making it look like he was crying.

Lars Nootbaar – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer. He’s only played a week’s worth of games. If you’re wondering what kind of hitter Lars is, he’s a 12-homer hitter. Grab him if that interests you. And when you’re doing it, say, “Sometimes you feel like a Noot, sometimes you doon’t.”

Jimmy Crooks – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. He didn’t hit that ball to the mid-point of the outfield, because ain’t no such thing as halfway Crooks.

Nolan Jones – Acquired by the White Sox. Every team needs at least one guy who players can point to and be like, “I’m better than him.”

Justin Wrobleski – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 2.95. Aw, did stinky pitcher pitch stinky? I’m so sad! Teach ya to mess with the Regression Fairies. They ain’t pixies.

Shohei Ohtani – 2-for-2, 2 runs and his 13th homer, and two homers in two games in Pittsburgh, if anyone thinks he’s just good because of Dodger Stadium. (It’s a joke, no one thinks that. Please don’t @ me.)

Mitch Keller – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.14. If I’m the Pirates, I think I have a way to fix him. They should say to Keller, “The Pirates moved to the Strait of Hormuz, here’s our new coordinates. Meet ya there!”

Brandon Lowe – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. I can’t tell you how I know this (highly confidential), but Lowe will finish with 24-26 homers, whether he has 24 by July or the last week of September. No, I kid, but he has only stayed (relatively) healthy twice in seven years.

Rafael Flores Jr. – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st MLB homer. Fun fact! Rafael Flores Jr. is what the woman in all black was saying in the movie, Quick Change. So, with Endy hurt, Flores Jr. was recalled. He has power and was hitting .207 in Triple-A.

Pete Alonso – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. Albombso!

Colton Cowser – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, and 3rd homer this week, and keeps appearing in the Buy column, and will be in this afternoon’s too.

Kyle Bradish – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.30. He turned the corner about a month ago and liked turning the corner so much, he turned another corner back to terrible. Someone needs to hold up a sandwich board outside Camden that reads, “Stop turning corners.”

Bryan Woo – 5 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.28. Said to sell him before his previous start. Now, I’m not sure there’s anything you can do with him, other than hold on and pray he fixes his shizz. Problem is likely mechanical and those just don’t get fixed with a finger snap.

Luke Raley – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. Inner Monologue, “Don’t think about how you would’ve been better with Raley than Vlad Jr.” Hey, Inner Monologue, you are literally making me think about it!

Dominic Canzone – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer. He would have 15+ homers and be a top 20 OF, if he had an everyday job.

Cole Young – 3-for-5 and his 5th homer, hitting .255. Cole Young is redundant, just call yourself Soot! He was moved to the leadoff spot, and I don’t know why Colt Emerson, who returned, wasn’t even tried there. If he sick day’d his way out of a leadoff opportunity, Imma be so mad.

Kumar Rocker – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.56, and pulled at 83 pitches. The rule should be: You can pull a pitcher, who is not injured, with fewer than 90 pitches and three earned, but the manager must forfeit this game’s salary. He got pulled after allowing one hit in the 5th with Pasketti coming up? What the literal eff.

Corey Seager – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 9th homer, hitting…Guess what he’s hitting. I’ll help you. He’s a career .284 hitter. Guess what he’s hitting. Okay, I’m not helping by saying .284. He’s hitting .186. It’s in 177 ABs.

Michael Wacha – 7 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.58. As the kids say, this guy is cheeks, but disguised as something usable. A butt wearing glasses trying to get into the movies.

Tyler Phillips – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.86. Because I refuse to forget anything (that I’m right about), Phillips was my first middle reliever pickup of the season in my Buy column, and, since then, he’s moved to the rotation with impressive results. If you remember (you don’t), I liked him the 1st week because he added two MPH on his fastball (up to 96.6). But, is he this good? No, not even remotely. Pitch he throws the most (sinker) gets an under 4% Whiff, which is honestly a good bit. He’s mostly a ground ball pitcher, and this was a long way of saying Streamonator.

Seiya Suzuki – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 10th homer, a grand slam. Seiya ball!

Carson Kelly – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. Just searched to see if the Cubs would be better with Miguel Amaya as their starter. He has 20 HRs and is hitting .233! Oh, that’s in 735 career plate appearances. So, yeah, prolly not.

Alex Bregman – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .246. If he played all his home games in Coors, he wouldn’t appear to be a 48-year-old who can’t hit the ball 260 feet. [finger to earbud] Hearing he does not play his home games in Coors. Welp! People only want to tell you about the guys I said to sell who turned out well, but I said about a month ago to get Bregman off your teams. Now the criticism will be, “Grey, super handsome face but no one is buying Bregman.” Yeah, homey, that’s why I said it on May 15th.

Edward Cabrera – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.86. That’s nice, there’s also no way I was starting him in Coors. Acksually, I might not start him in any games. [sees on the Streamonator he gets the Rockies next time in Wrigley] Alas, I guess I will start him there, and it’s bound to fail me.

Cole Carrigg – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. We should have some kind of side bet for who will be better out of the two prospects who were promoted on the same day between Braden Montgomery and Carrigg. I don’t think anyone knows. I’ve said Braden over Carrigg, but I also said in their rookie years it could be either and Coors helps a lot. For a side bet, what do you say? Five dollars to me if Braden is better, and five fake dollars to you if Carrigg is better? Feels fair.

Brett Sullivan – 3-for-4, and his 2nd and 3rd homer. Sullivan’s (ball) travels, after he was Preston service.