Today Was A Good Bleday

Just wakin’ up in the mornin’, gotta thank Foster Griffin,
I don’t know, but today seems no batters be whiffin’,
No barkin’ from my back, JJ Bleday givin’ major chubs,
And mama cooked the breakfast while I set my fantasy lineups,
I got my grub on, but didn’t leave Bleday out,
Finally got a call from a girl I wanna say, ‘I’ll call you back watching Bleday take another pitcher out,’
Hooked it up for later as I hit the door,
Thinkin’, “Will I live to see Tatis hit one homer?”

Yesterday, JJ Bleday went 3-for-5, 6 RBIs and his 5th and 6th homer. This is gonna blow your mind about how smart (or incredibly stupid) I am, but I wrote a JJ Bleday sleeper last year. Yeah, I’ve liked him for a while. Worth rostering in all leagues, as I’m callin’ up the homies and I’m askin’ y’all, “Which park is Bleday hittin’ out the baseball?” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Matt McLain – 2-for-3, 3 runs 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. It’s an incredibly poor pitch decision if you’re pitching strikes to McLain as he hits in front of the .143-hitting Trevino and .150-hitting Ke’Bryan.

Chase Burns – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.87 (feat. Snoop Dogg). Regression Fairies really don’t like to go to Cincy, huh? I loved Burns coming into this year, and would happily take what he’s done already, but his underlying numbers say some regression is coming.

Foster Griffin – 4 1/3 IP, 9 ER, ERA at 3.53. “Hey would you mind watching this cola at this al-Qaeda-run bar, while I go to the bathroom…[four hours later]…Whoa, how long was I asleep…Did that man just put my kidney in a cooler? AHHH!!! Roofie!!! So, Griffin was sailing through the game, then he gave up a two-run homer to the 7th hole hitter, a two-run single to the 8-hole hitter, a 2-run double to the 9-hole hitter, then the roundhouse from Bleday. Pronouncing his name like a Lisa Simpson grumble, Foster Grrrrrriffin. He’s still a number five to six, but hard to get too excited about him.

Francisco Alvarez – Had surgery on his knee and the Mets are hoping he’ll be back in eight weeks. Alvarez is such a great example of the Mets. They say he has potential, doesn’t show any potential, then gets injured all the time.

A.J. Ewing – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. Ewing does the impossible! Ewing clears the fences and gives people hope in a Mets’ prospect! You’ing know he will be in this afternoon’s Buy column!

Brett Baty – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .220. Baty homered after Ewing just as a little, “Hey, before you get excited about Ewing, here’s a little reminder about the last Mets’ prospect we got excited about.”

Mark Vientos – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .242. Then, just in case you didn’t catch the blinking lights reminder of Baty, here’s Vientos homering to be like, “Please, don’t trust Mets’ prospects, no matter how good they look. Your sanity depends on it.”

Marcus Semien – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. Fun fact! As a teenager, I called my bath towel, Marcus Wit Semien.

Juan Soto – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. I saw he fouled a pitch off his ankle and went for tests the other day, and I admit to throwing my computer out my window. Thanks to the genius bar, I was able to recover most of my data.

Nolan McLean – 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.92. Wonder if you could buy him right now. I’m not sure, but worth trying. He’s been a tad unlucky. So, he’s been excellent, but actually more excellent.

Gage Workman – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, 2nd homer in four games, but only two starts, because the MLB manager’s brain needs to be studied. Why would you call up a prospect and not play them? Is there any actual reason? There’s no place to play him? Then why call him up? There’s a place to play him but they don’t play them? Which is it! Due to the playing time concerns, he’s still at an AL-Only recommendation for now.

Dillon Dingler – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer, 2nd homer in three games. [dressed as a poop emoji] That’s how you dinger, Dingler!

Keider Montero – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.65. His command has been excellent, but Streamonator doesn’t love his next start, and I can understand why (lack of Ks).

Chase Dollander – 1 IP, 3 ER, and out with arm tightness. I got chest tightness from screaming, “Why couldn’t you have just been a scratch from the start rather going out there and wrecking my ratios?”

Ryan O’Hearn – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. He’s better than Vlad Jr. That’s right, you O’Heard me!

Griffin Canning – 1 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 10.64. Oh, he absolutely had it yesterday. For exactly one batter. He opened the 1st inning with a strikeout of Chourio, then four straight walks to hell. We should call a guy getting his ass handed to him earlier on in a game, The Tony Duke. Tony Duke was Apollo Creed’s trainer who kept yelling to throw the damn towel.

Kyle Harrison – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.09. It’s actually impressive to give up zero walks, throw 99 pitches and only get through five innings.

Michael McGreevy – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.10. Your NL All-Star Game starter…Michael “It’s Gravy Y’all!” McGreevy! “Thanks, Mr. Manfred and all of Cardinals Nation, you can use the backronym, IGY, because you know It’s Gravy Y’all!” The crowd cheers; teenaged girls faint in hysterics. I’d say Streamonator, but McGreevy’s in shape and that shape is a gravy boat!

Jordan Walker – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .294. In Bing Bong Stadium, Walker would be a 40-homer hitter. Wait, that’s what he’s gonna be anyway. Zoinks!

Victor Scott II – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer, i.e., homer II.

Nick Kurtz – 2-for-3 and his 7th homer, 2nd homer in two games, and Bing Bong isn’t even 120 degrees with drank (dry and stank) air carrying balls 440 feet over the fence that’s 217 feet to center. May all our giddies the eff up!

Zack Gelof – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer, 2nd homer in two games. Give me all those Bing Bongers!

Jung Hoo Lee – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, an inside-the-parker. He became the first Giants player to hit an inside-the-park home run, said Elias Sports Bureau, adding, “We think, our hard drive is so freakin’ corrupted.”

Landen Roupp – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.49. Incredibly meh start. He was nearly out of it in the 6th, but, alas, it was a tough matchup, and he looked fine.

Will Smith – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, as he hit leadoff. He hit leadoff because Ohtani and Betts are both auditioning for a staged adaptation of Lethal Weapon and the Danny Glover role is wide open.

Emmet Sheehan –  6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.54. He actually gave up 0 ER, but was charged two earned runs that should’ve been tagged onto Teoscar’s line. It was the best he’s looked, fastball sitting 95 and slider produced some whiffs.

Jesus Luzardo – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.07. You look into the mouth of the Luzardo and see his xFIP, then you try to grasp it with your teeth-blocking mittens and he bites down, slicing through your teeth-blocking mittens you bought off Temu for $12.99 and you get molar’d, wondering, “Why did I pay two more dollars and get these teeth-blocking mittens off Amazon?” Because you’re cheap.

Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, his 27th homer in two games. It’s not even June yet, when Schwarber because Schwarbomb.

Ranger Suarez – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.44. This came against his old team, the Phils, a factoid that maybe means something to him, but I can’t believe it means anything to anyone else even though the media always talks about. By the by, I drafted deGrom more than any other player. My 2nd guy is Suarez. I believe like fans once believed in Stephen Vogt.

Ben Brown – 4 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.60. Brown’s being stretched and I’m on board for the taffy-pulling. His perfs: 9.1 K/9, 2.7 BB/9, 3.07 xFIP, velo up (though, that might be because of reliever innings); using his sinker well, and his knuckle curve is even better. I will be picking him up in all leagues if my FAAB bids are winning this Sunday.

Ian Happ – 2-for-3, 2 runs and 10th homer. Call him Dangerfield, because Happ gets no respect.

Chris Sale – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.96. Cubs announcers were talking about whether Sale might be a HOFer yesterday, and they were talking about his wins and LOL. I mean: El oh c’mon el. I suggest once a year we should have automatic HOFers. No voting required for certain guys who pass thresholds. Sale’s an automatic guy.

Kris Bubic – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.11. Shite Sox have some bats, but when you’re beat by Randal Grichuk? Oh, take a nap.

Yordan Alvarez – 3-for-3, 2 runs and his 14th homer, hitting .321. Don’t want to jinx anything, but not entirely sure why anyone is pitching to Captain Woo Cubano.

Mike Burrows – 5 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.72. Burrows, verb, the act of burying your fantasy team by starting Burrows.

Luis Castillo – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 6.34. If you still have Castillo on your fantasy team, leave your password in the comments, and I’ll drop him for you. If your password is Greyisdumbasboxofrocks, then not cool.

Luke Raley – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .268. He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because effin’ of course, he’s been around a top 10 1st baseman.

Cal Raleigh – Hit the IL with an oblique strain. He was clearly trying to play through it, and that didn’t work at all. Like less than “at all.” Became a true three terrible outcome guy: Strikeout, groundout or fly ball out. As I said in one of my preseason schmohawk posts, I didn’t write a Cal Raleigh overrated post because it was too obvious. Oh well. As an assbackwards Uncle Luke would say, ass down, face up, that’s not what I was hoping to see.

Mitch Garver – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Mitch don’t kill my vibe, as he fills in for The Ass Man. Garver is hitting .180, so slightly better than Raleigh! Snap! No snap? Okay.

Braxton Garrett – 1 1/3 IP, 5 ER, as he was recalled. Sigh. What makes Braxton great and gives him the ability to unbreak my heart is his command. He doesn’t have it yet. We tried, move on.

Zebby Matthews – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, as he was called up. Appizzarently, Zebby was the callup to pickup and not Braxton. Hard to feel any level of confidence in Zebby, the lost Marx brother, when he had a 5.56 ERA last year and 4.72 ERA in the minors this year. Sure, ERA isn’t everything but a near-5 ERA in the minors might be a little something.

Byron Buxton – Out with a hip flexor injury. Had my Kalshi parlay of Buxton being injured and Cal Raleigh hitting the IL on May 13th, would’ve won 45 million if a day early, oh well, I’m out $5.