Yesterday, Matt Harvey met with the Mets’ front office and told them, “You ruined my shoulder! I was the Dark Knight! Now I’m 1960s Batman in hard-to-watch Technicolor unable to move my arms to do the Batusi!” Matt Harvey asked Bartolo if this ever happened to him and he said, “Nah, I am 90% jelly and custard. My nerves are coated in more sugar than a churro.” Harvey needs shoulder surgery due to thoracic outlet syndrome. Sandy Alderson said it’s inevitable. Pitchers who have had this surgery take at least a year to recover and sometimes never regain past form. It could not only be a season killer, it could be the end of Harvey as we know him. He could opt to rehab his shoulder without surgery, but rehabbing it won’t magically make his pitching better than he’s been all year, which is atrocious. If you don’t have DL room, I could see dropping him. Fun fact! You know who suffered from thoracic outlet syndrome? The Lispasaurus. Tiny arms, big body. Other dinosaurs pickin’ on ’em because of their lisp — why’d every dinosaur have to have an S sound in its name?! Total recipe for messed-up shoulders. “I hate Thoracic Park!” Spielberg can make a Thoracic Park movie where an injured pitcher tries to repair his relationship with his pre-teen son while genetically-modified dinosaurs chase after them. “I know I wasn’t there for you when you were growing up or for your keeper league team in 2014 or for that velociraptor attack 15 minutes ago, but I’m here for you now.” The boy looks up, “How did that velociraptor throw a Warthen slider?” The father responds, “He’s learning!” Seth Smith is working on the script. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jose Reyes – 1-for-5 as he hit his first homer. It was a booming shot into the Coca-Cola corner. Hitting a home run there was made even harder because as soon as Reyes hit it, Coca-Cola immediately tried to distance itself further from being associated with Reyes.
Travis d’Arnaud – 1-for-5 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd in three games. For fear of catcher questions, I’ll keep this brief. The one they call d’Terminator is hot.
Wilmer Flores – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and a pinch hit homer (8th). He hit two homers on Wednesday and has been one of the hottest hitters in baseball, how was he out of the lineup? Seriously. Terry Collins should be suspended for three games for that boneheaded move.
Lucas Giolito – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER. There were seven solo homers in this game between the Mets and Nats, and eight total homers. The humidity was as thick as a rap video girl and Lucas didn’t need CGI to show the balls flying out.
Daniel Murphy – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer, a new career high. Yes, it’s still pre-All-Star break.
Bryce Harper – 2-for-5 and his 19th homer, hitting .261. Watch him hit six homers this weekend to cruise into the All-Star game with a league-leading home run total like he was great all 1st half. Meh, you know what, the announcers will still fawn over him.
Matt Carpenter – Hit the DL with an oblique strain. Will likely be out around a month. Bring on his replacements, the two players who are called the same thing by their mother as they are by someone who is derisively riding someone — Wong/Gyorko.
Greg Garcia – 1-for-3, 1 run and his 1st steal as he hit leadoff since Matheny must’ve studied Jim Leyland’s lineup management at Trump University. You know Leyland’s lineup management style, whoever is playing the position of an injured player, you put them in their lineup slot too. One lineup card with all of the positions filled in and then you just dry erase the names.
Randal Grichuk – 2-for-3 and his 9th homer. He’s not in this afternoon’s Buy column, because he’s here now. Add him. Across all of your teams if you need power. I did already. Why won’t you? You a baby-sissy-boy? You use emojis too? You sicken me!
Stephen Piscotty – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .292. I really hope his 2nd half is better than his 1st half for power. Yes, this is about me!
Adam Wainwright – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.49. Wainwright has really, uh, righted the ship since his wonky April/May. I mean, it hasn’t exactly been Kershaw-type dominance, but he had a 3.69 ERA in June and has only given up one earned run in 14 IP in July.
Tyler Glasnow – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks. Devastating. But in a good way. That’s what I thought when I saw him. Was highly impressed. More impressed by him than Taillon. Of course, the results were not as good, but results for rookies aren’t usually good. Hayzeus Cristo, some of his pitches were filthy like the photos in a mutoscope.
Jordan Zimmermann – Could return late-July, which I pronounce “late-who-lie” and I pronounce all of the N’s in Zimmermann with tildes. Because I’m practically Latino!
Justin Upton – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 9th homer, hitting .233. Wow, what a terrible 1st half he had. Watch him hit 15 homers in the 2nd half to get his stats up somewhere respectable to rope people back into his fantasy atrocities next year. You know one person who won’t be drafting him next year? The guy who is no longer reading because he owned Justin Upton. That guy is scarred all over his heart.
Nick Castellanos – 1-for-3 and his 17th homer, hitting .307. He could do nothing in the 2nd half and you got more value from him than you ever expected. Did I just jinx him? Doh!
Drew Hutchison – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks as he was called up to fill in for Estrada. Honestly, seriously, awkward sentence intro, Hutchison should’ve been in the rotation all year. For now, I’d use the Stream-o-Nator on him, because Estrada will likely bump him, until Sanchez is finally bumped.
Tommy La Stella – 0-for-3 as he hit leadoff. What a joke. Maddon is just trying to see if he can lose games now, and the answer is likely no on most nights.
Dexter Fowler – Will begin a rehab assignment today, and will likely return next Friday, after watching his entire team-plus Yoenis at the All-Star Game. “I see Cubs plus one.” That’s the All-Star Game bouncer.
Julio Teheran – Declared himself ready for Saturday’s start. He then put his Atlanta home on Airbnb for when he’s traded.
Lucas Harrell – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.32 (2 starts). Incredibly, I got him for only $2 (out of $1000) in Tout Wars (12-team NL-Only), so I’ll take it, but he’s still simply an NL-Only play, and to read more, click on his name. It’s a magic button that takes you to his player page with his last three articles.
Nick Markakis – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and two homers (3, 4). Sparkakis! Wow. He only hit three homers all of last year. Wait a second, Jeff Francoeur walked twice in this game! Holy crap, this is the moment the Mayans have been talking about, isn’t it? Well, I never got to see the Grand Canyon, and now we’re gonna all be a part of it. Take me earth-shattering meteor! I’m ready!
Rich Hill – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.25. I get that he was injured and some people may not have had DL room, but he has a 2.25 ERA in July, how is he not owned in 100% of leagues? Your collective fantasy team ERA is below 2.25? Rhetorical!
Doug Fister – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.55. The matchup of Fister vs. the A’s was unavailable if you had a child guard on your DVR.
Tyler Duffey – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 5.20. I believe frequent commenter, Simply Fred, researched this once, and it was proven to be confirmation bias by me, but it always seems that there’s less offense on getaway day. Hitters just seem like they’ve packed it in early.
Max Kepler – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, and 4th homer this week. Hot schmotato alert!
Kennys Vargas – 1-for-1 and his 2nd homer, and they’re 2nd homer in as many games. I wonder if it was the same Kenny who hit both homers. Yesterday’s homer was a pinch hit homer, so they will need to be platooned.
Joakim Soria – 1 IP, 1 ER in the 8th of a losing game. The way the Royals are hitting there might not be any saves for whoever they use in the 9th. (I still think it would be Soria.)
Danny Duffy – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.09. On my 12 team mixed league, I stream everyone just about. Dropping/adding guys left and right. Yet, I’ve held Duffy for around a month (a long time for me). His stats on my team: 38 2/3 IP, 2.79 ERA, 1.06 WHIP and 45 Ks.
Nelson Cruz – 1-for-4 and his 23rd. Does he have the quietest 23 homers or is it me? Call him the Library of ConCruz.
James Paxton – 8 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.91. He’s in that class of pitchers where I don’t know when he’s going to pitch incredibly well or not so good, but, since I know either could happen at any moment, I’d just start him everywhere.
Trevor Story – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and two homers (20, 21). Five imaginary dollars says you can guess where the Rockies played yesterday. Hint: Ryan Howard and Mark Reynolds also homered.
Didi Gregorius – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 10th homer. To mix rappers, you know Gregorius D.I.D. is in this afternoon’s Buy column, Mos Def. He’s been on one for, like, the last two weeks.
Chase Headley – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 1 RBI, and has three homers in the last eight games. I doubt he carries it over to the 2nd half, but if you need a weekend hot bat, I could see grabbing him. Or just owning him if you’re JayWrong.
Ivan Nova – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.18. I legit think Girardi has forgotten about Severino. Someone needs to pass by Girardi when he’s walking to his Jetta and scream, “Severino!”
Trevor Bauer – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.30. The Regression Fairies were in Cleveland? No wonder they were pissed off.
Jason Kipnis – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 12th homer. As I go over my top 100 for the 2nd half, that will be published next Tuesday, I have Kipnis on my alternate pile. I don’t know, doode, he’s so whatever now that he’s stopped stealing.
Tyler Naquin – 2-for-4 and a slam (8) and legs (3), and his 2nd homer in the past three games. He’s not in this afternoon’s Buy, but here’s now, so act like you know, MC Lyte!
Hyun-Jin Ryu – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER. As they used to say in 80s, damn, that Kuntz is rusty. I’d still own Ryu, but I wouldn’t have started him yesterday, and I still won’t until I see a good start.
Drew Pomeranz – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.47. Also, in this game, Melvin Upton (1-for-5) hit his 14th homer. If you drafted Pomeranz and Melvin Upton in the 4th round overall, you would’ve been better off than that back-to-back Chris Archer/Justin Upton drafting. There’s that ulcer of mine kicking!
Yunel Escobar – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .327. Wanna laugh? Watch Key & Peele. Wanna cry? Yunel has the fourth best batting average in the AL.
Hector Santiago – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.58. On our Player Rater, Santiago is above Dallas Keuchel. Hehe. Those snickers really satisfy me.
Blake Snell – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. Scary thing is, he’s actually been relatively safe for a rookie pitcher. With his 1-4 record and 3.69 ERA.
Brad Miller – 2-for-3 and his 13th homer. I told you he was a sleeper! *covers mouth so it’s garbled* Three years ago.
Aaron Hill – Was dealt to the Red Sox to make room for Will Middlebrooks, whom the Red Sox have already swiped left on. Hill will likely share time with Travis Shaw, which sounds like a step down, but when you’re the Red Sox, you need to make moves every third day or your fanbase gets antsy. “Yo, Jimmy, what the fahk is going on with the Sawx?! We need to make some moves before I pahk my ass in Harvard Yard and start talking Celts and Bruins.” As for Middlebrooks, um, yeah, he hasn’t been good in three years, so wait and see.
