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I only hear what I want to. *sob-snorting* I thought what I felt was simple! *mumbling words I don’t know* Turn the MLB dot com on! Yusei is on. *mumbling more words I don’t know* I think that Yusei’s throwing, but I’m thrown. Is Yusei…oh…kay? *mumbling more words I don’t know* You try to give away a keeper, or keep me cause you know you’re just so scared to lose, and Yusei…Stay.

It’s kinda crazy how much Lisa Loeb was singing about Yusei Kikuchi (6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.38) when he was only three years old. Yusei’s command is usually around a 3.5 BB/9, but this year so far it’s 5.6. His Ks are still so far’king good — 9.3 K/9, and his velocity is fine (95 MPH on the speedball), and he seemed like he wasn’t controlling the cutter/slider well early on, and it was forcing him to throw the fastball more. So hitters were sitting dead-red on the chugga-chugga, and it wasn’t working. In his last three starts, things have been better, and Yusei isn’t just a Gen X anthem for lost love angst. Yusei…Stay on my teams. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jordan Romano – Being evaluated by the Jays’ medical staff. For…? Looked around for more info for four hours, ended up on the Wikipedia page for nontraditional bagpipe usage. Um, so Adam Cimber (2/3 IP, 0 ER, and his 2nd save, ERA at 2.35) is likely Romano’s fill-in, while Romano deals with a non-Covid illness.

Bo Bichette – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .247. From my mouth to Ginacarlo’s ears, please let Bo Bichette get hot for a month, because I feel the haters coming for me, and I have to be one step ahead.

Matt Chapman – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer, hitting .185. Ya know what’s kinda humorous? In today’s game, Dave Kingman would’ve been a solid batting average hitter.

Teoscar Hernandez – 0-for-4, hitting .196. The Teoscar for Guy Clearly Still Nursing His Oblique goes to…Teoscar! Wow, who would’ve thunk it?

Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 7th homer, hitting .206. Mariners’ best hitter is Ty France, but there’s an eight-way time for number two. Looked like Just Peachy Crawford was pulling away with it, but he’s laughable as a number three hitter. Rooting for Jul-Rod to make a stronger case. Or maybe it’s because I’m watching Root Sports.

Alex Faedo – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.87, as he was recalled.  Doesn’t his name look like it should have an upside down e? Call him The Schwa. No? Meh, maybe it’s me. So, Faedo looks like a 7 K/9, 2.2 BB/9 guy, which is a decent Streamonator call but not worth rostering in shallower leagues.

Austin Meadows – Hit the IL with vertigo. He kept seeing a blonde woman everywhere he went.

Jonathan Schoop – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Because I was watching Faedo, I also saw Schoop’s homer — bomb — and his play to cut down Choi going from 2nd to third, spectacular. Schoop has been scoped.

Harold Castro – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. That’s double the amount of homers Semien has.

Brandon Lowe – Hit the IL with a lower back issue. That’s a little on the nose.

Sandy Alcantara – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.49. This start was vs. the Nats, who I was surprised hadn’t scored the least amount of runs as a team, even in their division, and their team batting average is third in the majors. Dot dot dot. At .253! .253 would’ve been the 18th worst average in 2017.

Avisail Garcia – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in the last five games, hitting near-.350 in the last week. Also, proud of him not caving to pressure to become GIFsail.

Luis Severino – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.63. Severino made the O’s look like a team with Ramon Urias as their cleanup man, and a bad Odor from the 5th man down.

Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-5, 2 runs and his 10th homer. HR to the Rizzo!

Josh Donaldson – 3-for-4 and his 5th homer. Josh Donaldson’s fitting in well with the Yankees. It could’ve been a bad mix, like oil and water. Only instead of oil and water it’s an a-hole and Yankees, and it turns out they’re both oil.

Kyle Bradish – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.06. He looked better than his line if that’s any consolation. Consolation prizes are so Zoomer, and, if I keep starting Bradish, I’m gonna need to be ex-zoomed from my league’s graveyard. Bam! Landed the pun plane!

Anthony Santander – 2-for-4 and his 5th and 6th homer, as he homered from both sides of the plate. Four of his homers have come from the left side, but it’s truly remarkable he has two from the other side, and even more incredible he knows when he’s homered, even though you can’t see the left field fence from home plate.

Wade Miley – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.70. Not sure what Streamonator says about his next start this week, but I grabbed him off waivers in my deepest of leagues for this 2-start bazinga, and it’s a weekly league, so whee.

Willson Contreras – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .283. As he was rounding bases on his homer, he stopped at 2nd base and made the “call me” phone gesture to prospective teams who might be watching.

Freddy Peralta – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 1 walk, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.53. FreddyKBB showing that alligator blood!

Ian Anderson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.75, and relieving him was Spencer Strider (2 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.75), which was very surprising to me because there’s literally a hundred comments a day asking about Strider like he’s a starter. Not sure the Braves got the Razzball commenter memo.

Noah Syndergaard – 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.60. Why, I’m asking very politely, can’t the pitchers I have who get rocked have all unearned runs? I got a Thor ass!

Jonah Heim – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Jonah Heim is…Superbad!

Zach Logue – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 2.04. Tried to pick him up in FAAB, but underbid everywhere. Whew, saved by my cheapness!

Tyler Duffey – 1 IP, 0 ER, and his 1st save, ERA at 3.00. Duran and Pagan had been used a lot recently, or Baldelli just likes messing with us. You make the call!

Chas McCormick – 2-for-3 and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in the last two games. Hot schmotato alert!

Jake Odorizzi – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.13, but was carted off with a leg injury. Prayerizzis up!

Garrett Whitlock – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.43. Streamonator doesn’t love his next start, but I’m all-in against the Mariners with just about everyone.

Trevor Story – 1-for-3 and a slam (2) and legs (4), hitting .200. Two homers on the year! Gross, yuck, blech, I hate it, don’t like what that is–Oh! By the way! He’s easily beating Juan Soto in RBIs.

Hansel Robles – 1 IP, 0 ER, and his 2nd save, ERA at 2.51. Prolly makes the most sense as the Sawx closer, and that’s been the case for the last six weeks and he only has two saves, so *raspberries lips*

Xander Bogaerts – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .346. He’s on pace for 15 homers, or about the same as Freddie Freeman. *emoji doing shots of Jager*

Christian Walker – 1-for-3 and his 7th homer. Thinking about buying a time machine and going back to my NL-Only drafts and saving my $35 I spent on Matt Olson and putting $3 towards Walker and $32 to literally anyone else.

David Peralta – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .208. When do the guys I drafted for power start beating the guys who I picked up free off waivers? Someone, tell me the answer!

Chris Taylor – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Hey, he tied Freeman in homers! Haha…*wanders out into traffic*

Madison Bumgarner – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 2.29. Dodgers couldn’t find anyone to awkwardly stare into Bum’s big brown eye? Um, eyes.

Tommy La Stella – 0-for-1 as he was activated from the IL for the Giants series in Colorado. Everyone is worth rostering in Coors, and La Stella might be worth grabbing if you’re struggling in deeper leagues, but I also wouldn’t be surprised if he’s not back for two weeks before getting hurt again.

Curt Casali – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 2nd and 3rd homer. Fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-far better, run, run, run, run, run, run, run–Wait a second, Curt Casali sounds like lyrics from Psycho Killer and he’s in San Fran…Oh my God, Curt Casali is the Zodiac Killer.

Daniel Bard – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 4.05. Hey, it makes no sense to me that someone would make a genie wish to be a shutdown closer for only April, but I wasn’t the one who made the wish, Bard did!

Whit Merrifield – 2-for-3, 1 run, 2 RBIs and hitting leadoff again, hitting .194. I’m not a fan, as you all know, but this Buy Low window’s gonna slam shut real fast.

Yasmani Grandal – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .176. Okay, that actually made me laugh. I hadn’t realized he wasn’t doing quite that bad. He has a .176 average with two homers! Mah gawd, man!

Luis Robert – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Even the guys who are doing well-enough are on pace for 24 homers. Someone break into the baseball factory in Guatemala and, make like Dr. Frankenstein, and tighten the stitches!

Johnny Cueto – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, as he was called up. Uh-oh, here comes my rap altar ego, B. Fire, here to spit bars!

Cueto doesn’t speak French, but has one regret: LaRue,
Dallas might have real housewives, but he’s pitching through,
Cueto’s not not can’t miss, but is neither not not not can’t miss,
Vince Velasquez can’t be a rotation piece, unless telling him to rotate on this!
Am I helpful all the time?
No, but at least it’s a rhyme.
“Should you pick Cueto up?” you query.
Sure, if you dare-y.
You reply quickly, “Wow…”
Sniff, sniff, you say, “I’m no cow.”