Yaisel Puig‘s home runs are so effortless they’re like Billie Jean King and Billy Dee Williams only needing to say, “40-love?” to hook up with a girl in the 70s.
Somewhere, Ashton Kutcher is struggling to come off as smart. He is exerting more energy than Yasiel Puig on his home runs. When Yasiel Puig is in El Zono Loco, pitchers should be chicken. When Puig is locked in, he looks as good as all the Cuban graphic novels that were written about him in Fidelphia. Of course, just as quickly as Puig gets everyone’s hopes up, he collapses under his own hype. He’s a (ba)con artist? I’d absolutely own Puig right now that he has three homers in two games (2-for-3, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and a double slam (3) and legs (1) yesterday), but I wouldn’t be surprised if by May he’s back to disappointing. (By the way, the pitch speed on that homer is 78 MPH. HAHAHAHAHAHA– Oh my God, I can’t breathe! Member that old timey film of Bob Feller throwing faster than a speeding motorcycle? They should have Weaver go against a speed-walking senior citizen.) Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Brandon McCarthy – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks. Stream-o-Nator loved this start, like it loves writing itself notes to boost its self-esteem.
Wil Myers – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. True story, I first wrote his name as Mil Wyers, then I laughed hysterically. What, I’m sharing with you.
Hunter Renfroe – 3-for-4, and his 1st steal. A guy with 40-homer power shouldn’t have the proclivity to be stealing bases, he just shouldn’t. You also shouldn’t say proclivity in social situations or you will be punched.
Jered Weaver – 5 IP, 4 ER. Jered Weaver is the perfect pitcher to get around SoCal. Weaves through traffic and will never throw fast enough for a speeding ticket.
Mookie Betts – Tentative to play today as he battles the flu. “You russlin’ for some ‘Tussin?” That’s my impersonation of a Duck Dynasty character getting a cold. I’m like a written word Rich Little.
Drew Pomeranz – Due to the rainout yesterday, Pomeranz will now return on Tuesday. Or as John Fogerty would say, Ranz to the dance on Tuesday.
Jason Hammel – 5 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. Kyle Gibson – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. This matchup was billed as “Hey, you wanted to play in an AL-Only league so the Twins and Royals starters matter.”
Byron Buxton – 0-for-4. Oh my God, I feel like I’m watching Rocky during the Apollo/Ivan Drago fight. Throw in the towel, Buxton!
Max Kepler – 2-for-4, 1 RBI. Aw sookie, the guy who sounds like a character in The Man in the High Castle is starting to come around. Goose step, Max, goose step!
Brandon Kintzler – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 1st save. *deep inhale* Ah, cheap saves. That’s better than the smell of the mist when peeling an orange.
Mike Moustakas – 2-for-5 and his 2nd homer. Moistasskiss!
Salvador Perez – 2-for-4 and his 1st home run. Aren’t you glad you held the catcher you drafted for a whole three days?
Geovany Soto – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and two homers (1, 2). You’re such a Sneaky Pete for value, I will call you Geovany Ribbies.
Matt Davidson – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Some call Thursday “getaway day,” but with the White Sox I will call it “get a load of this crap they’re playing” day.
James Shields – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners (5 BBs), 5 Ks. A note about the roundups, if I point out walks for a pitcher, it’s either very good or very bad. Five walks in five-plus innings is not of the good variety.
Matt Boyd – 2 1/3 IP, 5 ER. A Boyd named spew.
Matt Harvey – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks. Considering the price Harvey was going for in drafts, I kinda wish I drafted him in a few leagues. I mean, his price was that of nothing. Though, four Ks and two homers yesterday? You gotta admit he’s not completely himself.
Matt Kemp – 2-for-4 and his 1st and 2nd homers, hitting .462 on the season. For those who missed it, I bet the Braves to win the World Series this year — $20 bet wins $3,000. So, excuse me, but I need Kemp to go H.A.M.!
Andrew Triggs – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K. Okay, okay, ohhhhhkay! It’s not wonderful, but I have Triggs in a very deep league, and am thrilled with this backend ground ball pitcher. (If only I didn’t start Chacin earlier this week. That still hurts.)
Ryon Healy – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. If I had a DeLorean, I’d go back to March and draft Healy on every team. I might’ve Mr. Bungled this one by not getting him. He feels like he’s going to be drafted like a Kyle Seager next year.
Garrett Richards – Angels say it was simply a biceps cramp and his arm problems had nothing to do with him giving Tommy John surgery the “talk to the hand” sign. Then, later on, the Angels said they were sending him for a precautionary MRI. Oh, just one of those things!
Tyler Skaggs – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER. Isn’t it fun when preseason hype makes way for, “Oh, yeah, this guy had a 7.23 ERA last year in the only full month he pitched?”
Adam Eaton – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. Fun fact! His name backwards “notae mada” is Italian for Post-It. For example, “This notae mada?”
Gio Gonzalez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks. This pitcher mada? In some leagues, Gio could mada.
Jayson Werth – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. He really no mada. Okay, I’m done with that.
Ryan Zimmerman – 2-for-5 and his 2nd homer. Seven more homers until an injury? Six more? No one wants to take a side? I’ll say he gets to eight homers and then hits the 10-day DL.
Blake Treinen – 1/3 IP, 0 ER. Conspiracy Theory Alert! Dusty really wanted Glover to be his closer, but management was like, “We will put a toothpick dispenser at the edge of the dugout stairs as you asked for, but we want Treinen,” then Dusty was like, “A’ight bet,” and has pitched Treinen in every game this year, and will continue to do it until the club comes around to Glover or Treinen’s arm falls off.
J.T. Realmuto – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd in as many games. Somebody’s trying to get above my ten-homer projection.
Corey Dickerson – 2-for-4. Yesterday, I said hot schmotato. Today, I’m saying yup.
Blake Snell – 6 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners (5 BBs), 5 Ks. I told anyone that would listen yesterday not to start Snell, but that brings me to my larger point. When can we start Snell? I’m not sure ever with all his walks.
Kendrys Morales – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 1st home run, a grand slam. He made Snell pay for all his walks like he was his bitch and Morales was a dog walker!
Marcus Stroman – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. See this? This will hopefully be Snell next year.
George Springer – 1-for-3 and yet another homer (3). I kept saying Springer is a 2nd round pick with upside. You listen? No, you didn’t or are you being coy and you’re gonna say you read instead?
Marwin Gonzalez – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer. Mike Trout — 1 homer; Marwin — 2 homers. Ah, first week of baseball, you unfeeling bastard.
Mitch Haniger – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer. He’s on the cusp of a breakout; you can almost feel it.
Chris Herrmann – 2-for-3, 1 run. Is it weird that my biggest want right now is Herrmann to become a thing? Hmm, that sounds un-PC. I mean, I want Herrmann to be the Diamondbacks’ catcher and hit 20 homers. More clear?
Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. Au Shizz!
David Peralta – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st home run. I wrote a sleeper post for Peralta in the offseason, and I still believe he can be a top 30 outfielder.
Robbie Ray – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. Wasn’t beautiful, but at least he didn’t have his assFIP handed to him.
Jake Lamb – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. He’s baaaaaaahd, he’s baaaaaaahd, he knows it.
Jeff Samardzija – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER. Somehow I have Samardzija on multiple teams this year. Obviously, writing 400,000 preseason words about rankings and players wasn’t enough for me to avoid going back in the ‘zija. Pray for me.
Daniel Nava – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and two homers (1, 2). Ugh, the batty call that should’ve been. I was between him and Michael Saunders (0-for-4) and, of course, I chose Summer Saunders. I’ll never forget this blunder. *two seconds later* What was I talking about?
Drew Storen – 1 IP, 0 ER, and his first save. Just yesterday I said the Reds’ closer job was Raisel’s. Left side of the brain, “Nice call!” Right side of the brain, “That cloud looks like an albino marshmallow Peep.” I still think Raisel will get the bulk of saves, barring injury, but he had some issues in the spring, so it’s understandable he won’t pitch on back-to-back days.
Adam Duvall – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st home run. Check out the crowd in this gif. The Reds need to stop doing “Dress Up Like A Seat” Day.
Ryan Braun – 0-for-1 as a pinch-hitter, after getting yesterday off. Yeah, he had played a full two days already this season. Remind me to come back in my next life as someone who makes $19 million for six months of work and takes a day off the first week.
Keon Broxton – Left yesterday’s game after taking a pitch that careened off his melon flap and his nose. He walked off the field with a bloody schnoz. The Brewers said he broke his nose, but he won’t be DL’d, because he lives his life like Thames shaves his beard, badassly.
Neftali Feliz – 1 IP, 1 ER. Kazaam!
Antonio Senzatela – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, Senzatela means business! Wait, no that’s negocio. Senzatela looked good in the minors (7 K/9, 2 BB/9), and he was dropping 96 MPH pretty easily yesterday in the clips I watched, but, well, ya know: Coors. A rookie in Coors is like having elective surgery to remove a kidney.
Mark Reynolds – 1-for-4 and his 2nd home run. The Buy/Sell is back later today, and you know Mini Donkey will be in this afternoon’s Buy column. You can hardly wait. No, you!
Nolan Arenado – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. Took me almost four hours, but I think I’ve finally collated all my commemorative hotel lounge napkins. Wait, what’s that? NOOOO!!! Torenado!!!
Stephen Piscotty – Should return to the lineup today, which would mean the Cards will have decide on the tandem of Gyorko/Wong. Hey, sounds like my Friday night too!
Lance Lynn – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. John Lackey – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks. I have both of these guys on more teams than I care to admit. Five teams, are you happy? Stop badgering me! I had a small case of ticker shock in the first inning, but a Zobrist error caused an unearned run. Overall, I’m happy with both guys still, though neither really exceeded expectations. Stupid expectations ruining life with, uh, expectations!
Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. “What’s this dried paste on your jeans?” That’s Joe Buck’s mom doing his laundry.
