WW Won, Yanks Celebrate, Ranger Bats Enter Great Depression

Is anyone struggling with pitching? I know there’s bad pitchers, but my word my pitching is good in just about every league. My hitting? Oh, that’s a mess in multiple leagues. Look at this insanity:

I am howling at how bad my hitting is. Gunnar, Yordan, Jazz, and Butler are my top bats. Strike through “top.” My actual top bats are Hunter Goodman and that’s it! I mention that league now because I dropped Will Warren in that league. In retrospect, it was a bad move, but I can only turn my pitching to 60. My thought was he didn’t pitch deep enough into games — right there — but I also thought he couldn’t command his pitches. That’s as wrong as banking on Yordan and Gunnar to win a league? Not entirely, but his command is good enough. Yesterday, Will Warren went 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.05. His dazzlers were an 83 MPH sweeper that had a 42.9 WHIFF% and a 93 MPH 4-seamer with a 29.4 WHIFF%, but the proof’s in the pudding (a hilarious saying, unless Bill Cosby is saying it) is in the underlying numbers — 11.6 K/9, 3.5 BB/9, 2.96 xFIP, 20.8 K-BB%, and appears likely to compete for the 2nd straight Yankee pitcher to win ROY. If he could’ve also played 3rd and hit for power, I would’ve kept him on my fantasy team. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Aaron Judge – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (16) and legs (4), hitting .402. How awkward is it gonna be when they defrost Ted Williams’s head to follow Judge around for his chase at .400? A Red Sox great’s head watching the Yanks every night? Oof, so awkward.

Ben Rice – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .259. This is the first non-Judge Yankee homer that wasn’t a leadoff homer.

Max Scherzer – Threw a 33-pitch session yesterday. At 32 pitches, he pounded his glove and screamed, “Let’s go!” After his 33rd pitch, he waved his hands and said, “I’m good.”

Jonah Heim – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .262. Even better, he made it possible for Luke Weaver to enter for the one-out save. I love that! Thank you, Heim! I even forgive you for Licorice Pizza.

Nick Martinez – 6 IP, 1 ER. 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.43 vs. Bailey Falter – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.50. They called this matchup, “Any pitcher in the NL Central could be the NL’s Seth Lugo.”

David Bednar – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 5.02, and his 4th save. Pirates are really committed to the bit to keep going to Shit-the-Bednar when Santana has a 1.86 ERA right behind him.

Parker Meadows – Will begin a rehab assignment. That’s also the answer to, “Did Parker Meadows retire?”

Riley Greene – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .286. He’s around a top 10 outfielder on the Player Rater. Riley Greene feels like the Royce Lewis we were promised in the outfield.

Kerry Carpenter – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer. Since I was there for Greene, Carpenter is a top 20-ish outfielder on the Player Rater.

Tarik Skubal – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.87. In all my leagues where I’m doing well in pitching, I don’t have Skubal anywhere. Shrugs. Hunh. Weird.

Nolan Arenado – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .247. Bought some hay that Kenny Loggins actually chewed in the music video for Footloose. Here, let me show you by this open window–NOOOO!!! Torenado!

Chris Bassitt – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.83. One of the more shocking Guys That Are Doing Well. Think a lot of people would think he’s a sell high. He’s not. He’s actually a buy high, if you’re into that sorta thing.

Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer. Let them eat Cake!

Anthony Santander – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .185. Oh my God, is that actual fog on the mirror under his nose?

Logan Henderson – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.69. I like Henderson a lot, so don’t take this the wrong way, but the Uh-O’s look as bad as the Rockies in away games. They moved Adley up in the order and Mountcastle down; Adley who absolutely sucks and Mountcastle who had a 12-game hitting streak, and is hitting around .400 in the last 25 games. Is Brandon Hyde’ing in the back of the dugout?

Brice Turang – 2-for-5 and his 4th homer, hitting .297. That gives a B. Rice two homers yesterday.

Sal Frelick – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (3) and legs (9), 2nd homer in the last week and hitting .205 in May before yesterday and I thought I was leading somewhere good, then [raspberries lips]

Rhys Hoskins – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 6th homer, hitting .297 (!), hitting near-.400 in the last two weeks and a schmotato if available.

Brandon Walter – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, as he was called up. Damn shame that B. Walter’s not followed in the start by a Downs. Or a Jennings. Or a Behar! Walter was a lefty on the taxi squad. No, not with Randy Dobnak, that’s the Uber squad. Walter is incredibly meh (was released by the Red Sox, throws 91), but has good command, so maybe some AL-Only value.

Isaac Paredes – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer, 2nd homer in three games. Wonder if Paredes can march his ass over to Christian Walker to see if he has a pulse.

Zack Littell – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.25. At the end of the podcast each week, BDon gives you some pitcher streamers, and he mentioned Littell, and I thought to myself, “In Big Stein, that’s bold,” but Bold is BDon’s name. Bold One, it’s a weird abbreviation.

Hayden Birdsong – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.91. Rockin’ in the tree top all night long, rockin’ and boppin’ and singing that song, rockin’ Hayden, tweet-tweet. Don’t love his command, but that’s a small quibble for the sweet, sound of Birdsong’s Ks and lovely home nest park. If you asked me Roupp or Birdsong, I can’t answer, they’re all my children. Though, Roupp has a little more to like, but close. Birdsong is worth rostering, as well. Tweet-tweet.

Yoan Moncada – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, as he hits 3rd, which feels like one of those pitfalls a manager can fall into. Not metaphorically. I mean literally. If a manager puts Moncada in the three-hole, he should fall into a pit and never be heard from again.

Logan O’Hoppe – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. As Pharrell would sing, “Because I’m O’Hoppe.” I hope that song is now stuck in your head all day and you have to call the hospital asking if there’s a way to get a song out of your head.

J.T. Ginn – Hit the IL with a right quad strain, which prolly happened on an immunity challenge, because his name always makes me think he was on Survivor.

Gunnar Hoglund – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.06. If you’re still trying to make Hoglund happen like he’s fetch, it doesn’t seem to be working.

Shea Langeliers – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 9th homer. I don’t know if this is true, but it feels like it: There’s more good catchers than 1st basemen.

Jacob Wilson – Left the game after being hit on the forearm. Please, no fractures. Can we get a prayer triangle together?

Nick Kurtz – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Well, why didn’t you say you’d do that before I dropped you last week?

Gabriel Moreno – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Hot schmotato alert!

Corbin Carroll – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. In same breath as Ohtani, Judge and Schwarber. And he has 50-steal speed. Incredible.

Shelby Miller – 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 2.18, as he blew the game, after working Sunday, Monday and Tuesday. Wild guess, but maybe don’t pitch him every single game.

Yoshinobu Yamamoto – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.86, and 110 pitches. If only he had 111 in the tank. Sigh. Tanner Scott blew this one for him, and Yamamoto’s run support for his 10 starts is a whooping 14.

Spencer Strider – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.79, as he was activated. Only really his second start of the year. Am I really biting my lip to not victory lap my preseason call to avoid him? Well, let’s just say if you heard me right now, I’d be calling him Spenther Thrider.

Matt Olson – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer, hitting .240. Way to go Olthon! Damn, still biting lip.

Dylan Crews – Hit his 7th homer, but left with a lower back issue and will be getting an MRI on it. I blame all y’all who ask about dropping him every single day, like he’s not capable of a top 20 outfielder season.

Robert Hassell III – Will be called up to replace the seemingly headed-to-the-IL Crews. No amount of prayer hexagons can fix this. The Third Hassell was a prized piece of the Soto trade, then everything went kablooey and he started hitting .189 in Single-A. Bobby Barrels does have speed, but his nickname seems sarcastic at this point, as he hit .241 last year  in the minors, and makes a ton of weak, ground ball contact. Maybe he can figure it out, and remind people why they were once excited for this trilogy.

Adrian Houser– 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, as he was called up. Literally rolled out of bed and held the M’s scoreless. This is more of an indictment of the M’s than an endorsement of Houser.

Jesus Luzardo – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 1.95. Who turned the Coors humidor to 11?

Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 17th homer. Now on pace for around 60 homers, and we haven’t even reached his Mother Month when he nestles into the bosom of June and suckles at her teets.

Clay Holmes – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.13. Managing to have a remarkably solid season, that I did not expect from him. He did the Reverse Mariano. A so-so reliever who becomes a solid starter. A different path, to be sure. Or PATH, in this case.

Rafael Devers – 1-for-3 and his 10th homer. Now hitting around .450 with 10 homers since the last victory I took on him.

Carlos Narvaez – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer. Has been one of the hottest catchers in baseball (who is rostered in under 50% of leagues, which I know because I’m busy working on the Buy column for the Patreon.)

Walker Buehler – 2 1/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 4.00, as he was activated from the IL. He was ejected for calling a strike a strike, because baseball umpiring be dumb. His underlying stats look pretty awful, and I don’t think I’d start him in anything shallower than a 12-teamer, but you’re welcome to check the Streamonator. Hopefully, him and us get ABS sooner, in the landmark case of sooner vs. later.

Travis Bazzana – Will be sidelined for 8-10 weeks with a strained oblique. Ever since Australians discovered the oblique in 2022, there’s been an epidemic, as they’re unable to heal mid-muscles.

Ryan Weathers – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zsero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.80. Think it speaks higher of him than I could just by the simple fact that he held the Cubs to one run, then they destroyed lesser pitchers who followed him. We like Weathers. We is me.

Ian Happ – 1-for-6 as he was activated from the IL.  Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “I told Pregnant Janet that I like the name Skaboosh, hope she listens.”

Kyle Tucker – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 11th homer. Crazy how good the Cubs are this year, and it’s not just Tucker, but it is Tucker too, obviously. Seiya Suzuki (3-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs) also hit his 12th Seiya!

Jameson Taillon – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2Ks, ERA at 4.13. Taillon’s not my fave, but the Streamonator loves his next one like I haven’t seen the robot love anything since its first TBS airing of Short Circuit.

Moises Ballesteros – Sent back down with Ian Happ’s activation. [lights an imaginary lighter, burns imaginary FAAB money that I spent on Ballesteros, then Moises Alou urinates imaginary pee onto it to put it out]