Shields’s season proves one thing. He doesn’t answer to you, he doesn’t answer to anyone. Not today, not tomorrow, not even on Cinco de Mayo. Then Shields steals a knot of hundreds from a drug dealer, nurses a drug addict mother back to health and then kills a criminal only to cover it up. Shields, the anti-hero. Oops, I was watching a best of The Shield, and Vic Mackey had me feeling dirty, like a renegade cop! The renegade cop — fun on TV or movies; pain in the ass in real life. In September, James Shields has a 0.00 ERA, rolling off of yesterday’s 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks with his ERA down to 3.13. His season has really been all over the map from month to month. On the bad side of things, May ERA 4.69 and June ERA 4.88. On the good side of things, July ERA 2.63; April ERA 1.60; August ERA 2.95, and the aforementioned September. Maybe the Royals knew something when they traded away Wil Myers. Or maybe we can at least pretend they did for this year. “I got short term eyes, not to be confused with short eyes like Elmore Leonard.” That’s Dayton Moore. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Lorenzo Cain – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 29th steal. I hate, hate, hate — hatehatehate!!! — that you can’t replace a player in a game that’s been postponed after the start time. Really makes no sense, and ended up costing me a game I could’ve used from Cain…Sugar! Fix yo’ shizz, ESPN and Yahoo!
Jose Iglesias – Cleared for lower body workouts. I think that means he can twerk.
Anibal Sanchez – Played catch in a cage, while screaming, “I’m not an animal!”
Masahiro Tanaka – Could return sometime between September 19-21. According to the NY Daily News, “Regardless of the Yankees’ position in the standings, the plan is for Tanaka to pitch a game or two before the end of the season, giving both the club and the pitcher a chance to see if he can pitch through the partially torn UCL in his right elbow.” I don’t even need to comment on that. It is as crazy as it sounds. This is stupidity like when your parents decided to have sex through a partially torn condom. Can I not draft Tanaka for 2015 already or do I have to wait until next year?
Carlos Beltran – Scratched with a sore elbow. Whose back did he scratch with his sore elbow, Jeter? No re2pect.
Brett Gardner – Sounds like he’s going to miss at least a few more days due to his abdomen. Can understand that for a guy who’s constantly sliding head first, he needs abs of steal.
Brian McCann – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 18th homer, hitting .241. I could picture a scenario where I draft McCann in the last rounds next year, drop him after about two weeks then he ends up having a top 5 catcher season. Notice how I have faith in me being smart to draft him, but not smart to hold him. Yup.
Krispie Young – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer on the Yanks, and 9th overall. Krispie does tend to get smokin’ hot, but he’s also in one weird-ass platoon between the All-Stars of yesteryear.
Jake Odorizzi – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER. Gonna need to bathe in tomato juice to get that Odorizzi off you.
James Loney – 2-for-3, 1 run. Continue to remember why you picked him up. You didn’t pick him up? Oh, bad call, Ke-mo Sah-bee.
Evan Longoria – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 20th homer. Fizzlebang, mazel tov! Took a whole lot of beans burnin’ on the grill to get up that hill. I’d love if he could chuck in five homers more before we later gator this season. I’m greedy, y’all!
Dilson Herrera – 0-for-1, 2 runs as he played at 2nd base with Daniel Murphy (Who? Oh, him.) started at 3rd base. Love that for NL-Only leagues, Dilson hasn’t done much yet to require my excitement for mixed leagues. Soon, young Padawan, soon.
Domonic Brown – Left yesterday’s game with a shoulder contusion after diving for a ball. David Spade showed a picture of Brown diving to the ground and said, “Look, children, a falling star.”
Pedro Alvarez – Done for the season with a stress reaction in the fourth metatarsal in his left foot. Revisiting powerful recurring themes in his work like sisterhood and strikeouts, Pedro I-Want-A-Do-Over hopes to return next year with his muse, Penelope Cruz.
Andrew McCutchen – 2-for-4 and an inside the park homer, his 23rd. A position player pitching is like a cat playing the piano or a monkey tap dancing. It’s ridiculous in its absurdity. But what’s an inside the park homer? I wanna say it’s like when you’re in bed with the lights off, getting ready for schlafen and you put on one of those GoPro, headcam YouTube videos with people back-flipping off a canyon cliff. Shizz is just exhilarating.
Jordy Mercer – 2-for-4, 1 run. Member when he wasn’t a hot schmotato? I don’t, that’s how long ago it was!
Russell Martin – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .291. Has two hits in three of his last four games, and another homer in the last eight games. He’s actually been decent this year as a 2nd catcher, or very deep league first catcher. Only Alyssa from Los Angeles knows how deep.
Drew Hutchison – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks. I streamed him for this start *puts fingertips together by lips* muah! I also dropped him about halfway through when I saw his next start wasn’t favorable. Gotta love ’em and leave ’em, that’s what my pimp mentor always told me.
Dioner Navarro – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd steal, hitting near-.400 in the last week. Let’s talk about a confluence of things that don’t make any sense. The Jays scored 11 runs and Dioner was the star of the game. Not much from Edwin. Nothing from Bautista. On top of that bizarre turn of events, Dioner stole a base. Anthopoulos does sound like a Mayan name.
Kyle Hendricks – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA up to 2.38. Hasn’t been anywhere close to that good. “That Good” is standing over there, Hendricks is down the block quite a ways. Would need to feel desperation creeping over my turtleneck to go near him.
Jorge Soler – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .356. It feels like just yesterday I had a Delaware-sized boner for Baez and Arismendy. Now it’s the size of Rhode Island and mother-effin’ Curt Schilling’s bankrupting it. Stop bankrupting my boner, Curt Schilling! I only mention this because the league catches up to a hitter and they slump, then they come back twice as strong, and Soler may not slump until next year, which would kinda suck.
John Lackey – 2 IP, 2 ER, and ejected for arguing balls and strikes. I’m sure glad I wasted a precious Game Start on that. *dons Big Bird costume, goes on African safari, runs at the lions with Big Bird arms flapping* Lackey, you’ve killed my will to live, you fargin’ bastage!
Alfredo Simon – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.48. Between Aroldis having kidnapped girls tied up in his room, Cueto K-rah-ta’ing LaRue into retirement and Simon killing someone in his home country, I’m surprised Jay Bruce hasn’t ended up in a shallow grave for his offensive output this year.
Brandon Phillips – 2-for-4, 1 RBI. Every time I look at waivers, I see at the top is BP. Has the most ownership and has been the best in the last 15 days. And every time I ignore him.
Dustin Pedroia – Will have season-ending surgery. He’s droppable in all leagues. I goofed yesterday when I said Play-Doh was used to make a lame copy of a picture. It’s Silly Putty. Maybe I should have Torii Hunter administer me a concussion test. Any the hoo! I suggested that there should be a glossary term for a player who plays at 50% through an injury, and looks like a bad imitation of themselves. I’m open to suggestions. Please put them in the comments.
Brandon Workman – 3 IP, 5 ER. Hey, Workman, you’re fired. *looks at reflection, smiles* I love you.
Xander Bogaerts – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 11th homer and 2nd homer in as many games as he bats over .350 in the last week. Little ones, listen, learn from me, you could be the best, but sitting in your room depressed with a junky MI and you’ll never progress. I grabbed Xander two days ago and haven’t looked back, though that’s partly due to a stiff neck.
Carlos Rivero – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer as he started at 3rd base. Rivero once was considered a power threat at shortstop, and now seven years later he’s at 3rd base and hit 5 homers in Triple-A. Seems like it would be a positive to say to Rivero that his ship has sailed, but not so much.
Caleb Joseph – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. Say Caleeb or Caleb (Kweli) is what you need to win, then what do you do? Ah, Reflection Eternal.
Wei-Yin Chen – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks. Stream-o-Nator hated this start, so there ya go. A machine with human features and dead fish eyes doesn’t know everything. It doesn’t like his next start either, and I could see it going either way. Not without its risks.
Ryan Flaherty – 4-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. Flaherty’s so much better than when there’s no faux excitement in front of his last name.
Nick Tropeano – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. Breezed through the minors as only an Astros prospect could. What I mean is they don’t have a ton of major league options, so if someone does okay, they promote the crap out of them. In Triple-A, he had a 8.7 K/9, 0.99 WHIP and a 3.03 ERA in 124 2/3 IP. This late in the season, I’d have to be crazy desperate to take a chance on him since his stuff isn’t overpowering (heavily relies on a change), but could be someone to stash in crazy deep keeper leagues.
Tony Sipp – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save. Ah, so the Astros saves picture is Fields and the field.
Gregor Blanco – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 15th steal. Here’s my batty call for today. Steal five bases and hit three homers today for the five-slam-a-legger. Please.
Ryan Vogelsong – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA down to 3.90. And you can tell everybody this is your Vogelsong. Hope you don’t mind I put it down in words like schmotato, batty call, streamer and fizzlebang.
Josh Collmenter – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA down to 3.67. Whenever I see Collmenter in the box score, I always expect him to ask me a catcher question. Is that weird?
Matt Shoemaker – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA down to 3.16. I’m gonna like Shoemaker a lot next year, but for this year it’s all about his next matchup, and the Stream-o-Nator is meh on it, but I’d still start him there.
David Freese – 3-for-4. What terrible Arnold as Dr. Freeze pun do we have for him today? Hey, Freese, the heat is on!
Howie Kendrick – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI. The Hitmaker is Howie to a Tee, right, Chubb?
Kole Calhoun – 2-for-6 and his 16th homer and, like, his tenth homer in the last three games. Watch out, Dale Long, Diamond Dallas Calhoun is coming for you!
Huston Street – Sidelined until Friday with a sore hamstring, i.e., Street’s temporarily closed, use Rue du Joe Smith.
Chris Bassitt – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. Too bad Bassitt didn’t face Pomeranz as the Westminster Kennel Club would’ve liked it. Bassit’s actually shown really good stuff in the minors, can hit 94 MPH on the speed gun, and had a 9+ K/9 in Double-A. Though, who are we kidding, I wouldn’t trust him with H2H playoffs and roto league championships on the line, and the Stream-o-Nator agrees.
Jeff Samardzija – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.41 on A’s, and 3.10 overall. Hasn’t shown huge K numbers this year, but the drop in walks has made him more of a #2 than his crazy 4+ BB/9 years ever would have. I say well played, Samardzija, and I say it with my hand over my mouth so it’s not as obvious I can’t say his name.
Marcell Ozuna – 1-for-4 and his 22nd homer. OZUNA hit ball. OZUNA told to round bases. OZUNA only see square bases, need to ask question of teammates.
Jean Segura – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 18th steal. Segura’s now hitting near-.400 in the last week with steals in back-to-back games. It’s gonna blow some minds how I’m going in on Segura next year, but this is about this year still and if you need a hot schmotato, it’s worth a shot.
Gerardo Parra – 2-for-4 and his 8th steal. Speaking of hot schmotatoes…. I’m over Parra making Khris Davis fight for PT, I’ll keep that on the hush-hush QT. Right now, Parra is hitting near-.400 in the last week.
Ian Kennedy – 6 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.77 vs. Dan Haren (7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks). 2011 called and said, “Damn, I must be getting old, too.” You are, 2011.
Carl Crawford – 4-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs. “Hey, I’m having a renaissance. This is cool!” said 2011.
B.J. Upton – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer, hitting .207. Member when he was the leadoff hitter for six weeks? Oh, we had a good laugh, didn’t we? Fredi Gonzalez, the star of What On Earth Were You Thinking?
Jason Heyward – 3-for-5, 1 run and his 18th steal. He has 11 homers on the year, but imagine if he hit 25 homers with 20-steal speed? That’s the kind of thinking that could have a fantasy baseball ‘pert like moi ranking him higher than he should next year.
Bryce Harper – 1-for-4 and his 12th homer. The cuckoo clock goes cluck! That’s my Harper home run call if I’m announcing the game.
Stephen Strasburg – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA up to 3.46 as he was outpitched by Aaron Harang (7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks). This matchup has me thinking of the work of Serge Voronoff. Serge was famed for implanting monkey testicles into humans. He achieved great fame until the use of monkey testicles fell out of favor, and he became the subject of ridicule. Yesterday, even Strasburg’s owners would’ve liked some of The Harangutan’s balls.