Tsuyoshi Wada hit the majors leagues yesterday, so let’s talk about the new Yu Darvish! Actually, that’s Masahiro Tanaka. Okay, let’s talk about the new Hiroki Kuroda! That’s Ryu. Uh, the new Cubs pitcher that I’m excited about? That’s Arrieta. The new pitcher that autocorrect tries to change his first name to tsuris? By the by, is my autocorrect anti-Semitic? Why does it suggest tsuris? Because I’m half-Heb? And why did autocorrect just change Jew to Heb. Siri, dial the Anti-Defamation League and apologize. “Dialing your mother now.” Siri, not cool! Any pitcher that does compare to Wada? Yes, the new Bruce Chen. So, Wada is a rookie in name only. He’s 33 years old, and the first rookie with salt and pepper hair to throw five shutout innings since Satchel Paige. He’s also a soft-tossing lefty. Yawn. He might catch some hitters off-balance, but he’s probably around a high-6 K/9 and a 4 ERA pitcher. Yesterday’s line of 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks is okay, but not much to flap your gums about outside of NL-Only leagues. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Arismendy Alcantara – He’s coming up! Only for a few days while Darwin’s wife proves evolution. Boo! If you have room to gamble that Arismendy Alcantara (I just like saying his whole name) hits six homers in the next three days and forces the Cubs to keep him up, grab him. I wouldn’t cut anyone special for him because the Cubs want to build up Darwin’s trade value (ha!) and get rid of him (good luck!) before Arismendy Alcantara is up for good.
Chris Coghlan – 3-for-7, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and two homers, a day after going 4-for-5. I picked him up before the end of his 2nd game yesterday. Right after he launched his 2nd homer of the day. Why do I tell you this minutiae? Because you need to see the dedication it takes to get ahead in this fantasy baseball thing. You can’t go to Bennigan’s and play bar trivia, hoping Coghlan will be there when you get home. So what you know the melting point of steel and that won you a Michelob, that doesn’t matter like Chris Coghlan! C’mon! (Unless your job is melting steel, then it’s all good.)
Anthony Rizzo – 3-for-8 and his 19th homer. HR to the Rizzo!
Joey Votto – Finally placed on the DL with a strained left quad. The other day, Joey Votto said his knee wasn’t the problem. Apparently, he wasn’t lying. Why do I get the feeling there’s going to be a TV movie made about Votto and his struggles with anxiety and how he could’ve been one of the greats if not for other issues that we’re not hearing about? Fear Doesn’t Strike Out, It Hits A Double starring Liev Schreiber.
Johnny Cueto – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. I never trade for top pitching unless I’m buying low, but the other day I traded Puig for Cueto in Tout Wars, because my team is an abomination and I needed to mix shizz up. I followed that trade with Teheran for Rizzo, since I was playing Brock Holt at first base. This was all necessitated because I lost Prince Fielder, who I hear is now a Playgirl model. Interesting route ESPN takes with The Body Issue, trying to get some spillover Men’s Health readers who aren’t getting enough fat naked men. A naked Prince Fielder to ESPN’s demographics makes about as much sense as a kale salad recipe in a BBQ magazine. “I came here for a brown sugar/cumin rub, but I sure am glad I found a dressing for my kale!” Only ESPN’s reversed it, giving readers a glimpse of the brown sugar/cumin rub.
Jay Bruce – 2-for-8, 4 RBIs and his 10th homer in the day game. Makes a little more sense now why Stevie Van Zandt is telling everyone Bruce is his best friend and they’ve been friends for 45 years and how he wants Bruce to have sex with his wife. Because the man is hot!
Billy Hamilton – 4-for-8, 1 run, 2 RBIs and 2 steals (36, 37). Take that descendants of Aaron Burr!
Casey McGehee – 0-for-4. The Marlins said they will not trade McGehee. Worst reverse psychology ploy ever. “What about Mike Trout for McGehee?” “No, sirs and/or madams, he’s not available.” “Plus $500 million from Arte Moreno’s sock drawer?” “Okay, fine.”
Marcell Ozuna – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. OZUNA parks balls over fence. OZUNA finger hurts. OZUNA FINDS CAPS LOCK. OZUNA HAPPY.
Addison Reed – 1 IP, 2 ER and like his 17th blown save in the last week. Yes, I own Brad Ziegler in multiple leagues. Yes, there will be a change. Yes, over the All-Star Break on July 15th at 6:07 PM EST. Wow, this crystal ball is amazing!
Vidal Nuno – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks. Kevin Towers does it again! Oh, wait, he’s never made any good trades.
Julio Teheran – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER. I watched this game, as I’m wont to do with the Mets, because I like their announcers, and they were speculating that Teheran was worried the Mets were stealing signs. Were worried is being modest, Teheran looked like Henry Hill on fifteen lines of coke while he was seeing helicopters. Him and his catcher started doing the Curly Shuffle to try to get signs out to him. Basically, Teheran looked terrible because he was completely in his own head.
B.J. Upton – 3-for-5, 1 run and his 15th steal. On the fo’serious, has there ever been a guy with a sub-.300 OBP leadoff for longer than two weeks in a lineup with all hitters that have a better OBP? I await your answer with bated breath and my pet tigerfish that has baited breath. He’s a rescue.
Jason Heyward – 3-for-4, 1 RBI and 2 steals (10, 11). He’s hitting .247 with eight homers. You know when Mary Ann gets a makeover and looks just like Ginger? Okay, imagine Ginger’s not pretty but a low average, speed first and power second outfielder. Now imagine Ginger is Desmond Jennings. Heyward’s become Ginger.
Jacob deGrom – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks. As previously said on the aforementioned tip, I watched this game and the Braves looked worse than deGrom looked good. That’s not even accounting for the shaggy mane hanging on the back of his neck. Does that look good? Let me…mullet over. Zadow! deGrom gets the Marlins next and the Stream-o-Nator likes it and I agree.
Curtis Granderson – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 14th homer. It was a solo homer, because he was leading off the game. He at least has a decent OBP, but he’s the best power hitter in the Mets lineup. Moving on before the ulcer kicks in.
Lucas Duda – 3-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI. In April, he was a 24-homer, .260 hitter. Last month, he was a 30-homer, .280 hitter. This month he’s a six-homer, .240 hitter. Duda, DUDA, doodie.
Juan Lagares – 2-for-5, 1 RBI. I wonder if someone went into Terry Collins’s office and switched Lagares and Grandy in the lineup right before the game, and then Collins saw it play out, if he’d be like, “Hey, that works.”
Josh Beckett – Hit the 15-day DL with a hip impingement, which sounds like something that happens when you play too aggressive on a pinball machine. Beckett should only miss one start due to the All-Star break.
Hyun-Jin Ryu – 2 1/3 IP, 7 ER. Did MLB allow steroids once a week as I suggested? There was a shizzton of offense yesterday. (Shizzton is more than crapton, less than shizzload, obviously.)
A.J. Ellis – 0-for-3. Did you know that Bret Easton Ellis only has 6 RBIs less than A.J.? The only way he’d be trailing in homers is if he had less than zero.
Matt Kemp – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI. Frequent commenter, Big Magoo, said this the other day, “Here’s (Kemp’s) triple slash across 112 June PAs: .317/.375/.525. Roughly 30 percent of his batted balls were line drives, and he cut his K% to 22.3%, which is below his career average. The only real concern for me is his lack of steals (0 for 2 in June), but he’s more of a 12-15 steal player at this point anyway. He’s playing pretty much everyday, and he’s getting better and seemingly healthier as the season advances. Should be able to get him for a reasonable price via trade too.” And that’s me quoting Big Magoo! He brings up solid points, and Kemp looks like he’s on the verge of breaking out.
Juan Uribe – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. I don’t think Uribe’s ever homered in his career without following it up with at least one more in the next few days, so forget about dancing with the one that brought you and grab for a few days.
Andy Dirks – Started a rehab assignment and should return in about ten days. Between Rajai, Torii and J.D., there should be enough playing time to go around for Dirks in deeper daily leagues where you can platoon him. Keep in mind, Dirks isn’t just an onomatopoeia of Dr. Evil’s dancing, he could provide power and light speed without killing you in average.
Justin Verlander – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 4.84 with the conshellation win. Really settled down after a five-inning first, which is a positive like if you drink enough poison, your breath stops smelling.
Rajai Davis – 3-for-4, 1 run, 3 RBIs. Rajai, the King of SAGNOF, might be taking this a little too far. He said he’s changing his name to Rajai Davos, SAGNOF Baratheon, believer of the Lord of the Light Bat, Speedy Outfielder.
Nick Castellanos – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 1 RBI. Fun fact! Nick used to hang out with a kid named Stanley, and he’d always yell Ca-STELLLLLLLA-nos.
Torii Hunter – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd steal. Let’s just say everyone on the Tigers had three hits, except Austin Jackson (0-for-3, 1 RBI). Hard to pull off that epic of a ticker tease when your team scores 14 runs, you hit leadoff and don’t score one run.
Ricky Nolasco – Hit the DL with an elbow sprain. He originally hurt his elbow beating off sabermetricians who kept wanting to talk to him about his FIP.
Phil Hughes – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks. Before you even think about it, he goes to Coors next. The Rockies are gonna get their Phil. *high fives self* Ow, not so hard!
Sam Fuld – 3-for-3 and a slam (2) and double legs (9, 10). What the Fuld?!
Chris Young – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Tlosses, ERA down to 2.99. He could have a 1.50 ERA and I wouldn’t trust him. Nothing to do with my motto either: Never trust anyone that blocks the sun for an entire seaboard.
Tyler Skaggs – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners (0 walks), 2 Ks. Maybe you throw the ball out of the strike zone once in a while to avoid the Hit Squad, so Keith Murray can call you the most beautifullest thing in the world.
Jose Reyes – 4-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .267 on the year. Bit of a double-edged sword. You want him to hit well, but if he gets to .300, he will shut it down for the year. Even if that’s just .299 infinity nines.
Sonny Gray – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks. That’s my boy! Now let’s go play catch so you don’t sing me Cat’s in the Cradle.
Carlos Beltran – Missed another game with his knee bothering him. He doesn’t think it’ll be a long-term problem. Nah, I’m sure the older he gets, the more magical it will feel.
Masahiro Tanaka – 6 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA up to 2.51. Get it together, Tanaka, Jack Ma wouldn’t even permit that trash on Alibaba! Jack Ma rules! That’s what Jack Ma says whenever he walks into a room. He obviously says it in Chinese.
Justin Masterson – Hit the Disgraceful List. Only about two months and 75 earned runs late. Masterson should have to pay the fantasy league fees for everyone that he roped in after his intermittent quality starts that led to eventual drubbings.
Michael Brantley – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer. I’m thinking about throwing a surprise party for Brantley this offseason. Could someone lure him into my lair? Mucho appreciado.
Jason Kipnis – 2-for-4, 1 run and 2 steals (9, 10). A positive fantasy value day for Kipnis! Well, I’ll be danged! I did tell everyone to avoid drafting him in the preseason, so I know no one owns him that reads this. You all own Gyorko!
Nick Swisher – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, and 2nd in as many games, batting .198 on the year. I’d put him in the same boat as J.J. Hardy as a guy that I may not like, but he’s not this bad either. If Swisher’s available, and he probably is, I’d look at him.
Tyson Ross – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. I played a game with Cougs last night while I was watching the Padres/Rockies game. Which one of these players is African-American: Tyson Ross or Charlie Blackmon? She got it wrong. Tyson doesn’t just sell white meat.
Charlie Blackmon – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, belted off of Ross. *shakes head, disapprovingly* Black on black violence. A shame.
Joe Saunders – Royals signed him to a minor league deal because they were bored.
Lorenzo Cain – 4-for-4, 2 runs and his 11th steal, and fourth in four games, hitting .322 on the year and owned in 32% of leagues. Oh. Huh? Just leave your password in the comments and I’ll pick him up for you. If your password is Greyisajackass, we’re no longer over-the-internet friends.
Omar Infante – 2-for-5. Yes, authorities in Australia would make Infante wear a nappy. He’s still a smoldering pile of schmotato.
Jake McGee – 1 1/3 IP, 2 ER and his 6th save. If he would’ve converted this save with no issues, he would’ve been the safe call as the Rays closer. Of course, nothing is easy in Tampa’s bullpen, especially not when Maddon’s choosing pitchers’ roles by how they treat the elderly and setting his lineup to bad 80’s music. The previous sentence was all completely true and sounds more outlandish than my fun facts.
Dylan Bundy – He will be limited to 75 pitches this year. No word if he’ll do one pitch a day for 75 days or if he’ll do three pitches in 25 starts or– *intern whispers in my ear* Turns out he will be limited to 75 pitches per start.
Gerrit Cole – Placed on the 15-day DL with a bad case of fantasy disappointment. Hopefully it’s cured by next March.
Pedro Alvarez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. Hasn’t really been hot for power since April when he hit 6 homers, but he also batted .180 that month. Then in May he only hit 4 homers but .255, then 3 homers and .299 in June. Okay, what I’m getting at is stop hitting for average and take out the mollywhopping stick!
Kolten Wong – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer and second in three games. Hasn’t proven it out yet, but in the big picture, I see him as a Pedroia clone. And that’s the first time Pedroia and big have appeared in the same sentence without the word heart.
Carlos Martinez – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks. Okay, next time aim for 6-plus innings and a good start.
George Springer – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer. He’s still barely a .230 hitter, but imagine if he can curb his Ks? He missed the first two weeks of his rookie year and still has 18 homers. Might be a year and a half away from a 1st rounder. For serious.
Chris Carter – 2-for-4 and two homers (16, 17), hitting .194. It’s almost like Earl Weaver is managing the Astros from heaven. And Marge Schott is the GM putting a Kike in left.
Jose Altuve – 2-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI and 2 steals (40, 41), hitting .341. Good show, Shorty Rock, now please stop.
Leonys Martin – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, this was his 2nd homer in 3 games. Not doing a whole lot for average or speed recently, but looks like his bat is starting to come alive. Anyone that owned him last year knows he can go on a month long tear for SAGNOF.
Shane Victorino – Again had his rehab assignment pushed back. Doode’s had more rehab problems than Lohan.
Brandon Workman – 7 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.13. Like a good salt-of-the-earth, blue collar guy, what you see with Workman is exactly what you get. No fancy words needed.
Brock Holt – 2-for-5, 1 run, hitting .313. He should just rip off the tearaway pants and reveal the lightning bolts on his thighs. Just do it already. People want da fire!
Mike Napoli – 3-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI, and a walk. He also played first base. What does this all mean? He only had time for two cigarette breaks all game.
Conor Gillaspie – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Due to an injury to Arenado and Trumbo (who was my corner man), I’ve had Gillaspie as my starting 3rd baseman in an NFBC league for two months. Pity party, table for one.
Ryan Braun – His back caused him to sit out another game. The Hebrew Hammer sounds like he needs a Hebrew needle in his Hebrew butt with some Hebrew PEDs.
Scooter Gennett – 3-for-5 and his 7th homer. Scooter vs. Wong. Essentially same for this year, but Scooter is in front of Braun. For those of you who found us after Googling Scooter Braun then clicked to page 457 of the search results. Welcome! Our TV on the Radio host is Canadian and so is Justin Bieber. Coincidence? Actually, it is.
Wily Peralta – 4 1/3 IP, 9 ER. Surprised to see he only gave up one homer. Not surprised to see his ERA is now 3.95. Sorry, I can’t sell him very hard; that’s Wily, low man on a fantasy staff.
Lyle Overbay – 1-for-5, 4 RBIs and the grand slam in the 1st inning. Bangfizzle!
Domonic Brown – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. *lifts dumpster lid behind Razzball Headquarters* Put down the whiskey, Tehol, Domonic hit a homer.
Chase Utley – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd steal. Bit of a renaissance going on, as in he’s not quite in the middle ages but he’s still history.