Continuing his NL-West dominance, Tyson Ross took a no-hitter into the eighth inning Friday night, allowing just one earned run off one hit (a pinch-hit Christian Walker double) and three walks while striking out ten. I’m sorry but I just completely blanked on everything you said before, “while striking out ten.” Tyson was tattooing faces and D-Backs, the 7.2 innings pitched was a season high and it took him 127 pitches to get there. He was just four outs from San Diego’s first no-hitter in ever, but nah. SAD! Another day I guess? You’ll get there, Padres. Errr. Don’t force it. Welp. Regardless, it might be premature to re-anoint Ross the ultimate hodgepadre status he achieved in 2014-2015 season when logged ERAs of 2.81 and 3.26, but things are looking promising early. Let’s face it, Texas is where pitchers go to die when Colorado’s roster is full. Just ask Bartolo Colon. Ross’ back in San Diego where he can pick up where he left off. He’s currently sporting a sparking 2.81 ERA with a 1.01 WHIP, and its the 3.21 xFIP, 23.5 K% and 6.9 BB% that got me all hyped up and mouth-punchey on Tyson. Ross will face a true test next week when he takes on the Rockies at Coors, and while I can’t recommend him for this start, I’ll be watching it closer than the Westworld premiere because robots doing human things is clearly more interesting to me than humans doing human things. Look I’m not trying to bite your ear off (zing!), I’m just suggesting you give Tyson Ross a good look. He’s available almost everywhere and he’s got the history, the ballpark and the skillz to be undisputed heavyweight champion of the world–err, I mean, hes got the skills to be a very solid starter all season long, in other words, he wants to eat your children.
Here’s what else I saw in fantasy baseball Friday night:
Jakob Junis – 8.0 IP, 4 hits, 2 ER, BB, 4 K, 3rd win. Jakob was almost your lede, folks! And thank goodness for you because here was my best headline: Junis Trueness Makes Tigers Bats Clueless. I know right! You really dodged a bullet there. Still, three of four of his starts have been of the quality variety despite the teams not being very good. He gets to try for another start of the quality kind next week against another team one might deem not very good.
JaCoby Jones – 3-for-6, HR (1), 3 RBI, SB (3). If there was any bright spot to the Tigers offense yesterday it was JaCoby. Dude’s slashing .313/.395/.500 with three straight multi-hit games. If you jonesing for the Jacoby but Ellsbury’s always hurt, Jones might be your best/only option.
Jason Hammel – 9.0 IP, 8 hits, 2 ER, BB, 4 K. Can’t tell if Detroit is just that bad, or if Junis and Hammel are just 100% top-of-the-line fantasy studs ready to break out at any minute and carry your team to a championship. I lean toward the former but definitely prefer the latter.
Jose Martinez – 3-for-5, run, RBI. JoeMart is hitting .358 with three home runs and proves anyone can be a star in St. Louis. Just ask Jared Goff. Err, bad example.
Harrison Bader – 1-for-3, SB (3). Does someone smell SAGNOF? Or is that just St Louis style baby backs. Let’s not focus on the fact that H-Bad didn’t technically “start” or even play every game last week. Let’s focus on what he did over the past seven games. He hit .357 (5-for-13), with 4 runs, HR, 2 RBI and 3 steals. Ess Beeees. Oh, you ain’t just Bader, Harrison. You da Baddest. Tommy Pham also returned last night, so let’s hope Harrison’s hot start will earn him some more consistent playing time.
Bud Norris – 1.0 IP, 2 hits, ER, BB, SV (5), ERA at 2.61. BUY. Escaped with the save this time, but next time he might not be so lucky…Greg Holland looms, but Norris is definitely still the closer. This is the Bud for you or your fantasy team. Until they release the Bud Light Orange at least!
Ryan Braun – 2-for-5, HR (5). Second straight game with a home run, and his third this week. Back-to-back like he on the cover of lethal weapon. Take it Drake, “Back to back like Jordan 96-97/ He got the drink in him going baaaack to back,” Another homer and Meek Mill might have words for you Braun.
Travis Shaw – 3-for-4, HR (3), 2 RBI. I spent some of the winter in Rajneeshpuram looking for enlightenment and to trying to learn how to be a better person. What I really learned was how to channel my anxiety into over 200 new sexual positions and to draft Travis Shaw. So overall worth. Thank you, Bhagwan.
Jhoulys Chacin – 6.0 IP, 4 hits, 0 ER, 3 BB, 5 K, 1st win. Marlins Baseball: It’s just sad! Get hooked! 1-800–SAD-BALL to get your tickets today! Let them have it, Logic! “I just want a lossssss! I just want a loooo-osssss! I just want to lose today/I don’t want to wiiiiiiiin!”
Justin Verlander – 6.0 IP, 2 hits, 0 ER, 3 BB, 5 K, 3rd win. JV’s got a 1.10 ERA, 0.77 WHIP along with 3 wins and a 39/8 K/BB rate. Mmmm. I can see what Kate sees in him. Real talk, I can’t get through a Verlander blurb without googling Kate Upton. I have a problem you guys!
Carlos Correa – 3-for-5, 2 HR (4), 3 RBI. Slashing .319/.369/.569 along with four jacks driving in 17. If you have time please check out my tumblr fan blog on Carlos. It’s full of gifs and poetry I made just for him. No, I don’t think it’s gay, but I’m okay if it is.
Yuli Gurriel – 2-for-5, run. Grey told you to BUY. You better do what he says, man! T-t-that dude is C-C-CRAZY!
George Springer – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBI. Top 10! Lezgooo!
Jean Segura – 3-for-5, run, 2 RBI, 2 SB (3). Finally some speeeeeed! I did not draft you just to hit .300. Sorry, Jean. Essssss beeeeeeez.
Mitch Haniger – 3-for-4, HR (5), 2 RBI. Miiiiitch! I’m sorry I called you boring. It was obviously only done for motivational purposes and you’re welcome. He’s top five in the league runs batted in alongside league heavy weights such as Jed Lowrie and, uh…Preston Tucker. Hmm, oh, Bryce Harper, yeah that’s a good one!
Mike Minor – 5.1 IP, ER, BB, 6 K. I trust Minor about as much as I trust Ma Anand Sheela to build and establish me an adequate commune where my followers can come and worship me and still freely make intercourse in the middle of the street. Minor’s got a 3.86 ERA with 20 Ks through four starts, which the Rajneeshi’s would say is definitely stream-worthy, but I felt Osho with me while I was writhing on the ground naked and I felt a strong energy coming from Minor’s start next week versus Oakland. That means good things are coming. Good things.
Keone Kela – 0.1 IP, 3 hits, 3 ER. Bad things. It’s a lotta bad things that they wishin, and they blowin, and blowin the saves. Woah–two Drake quotes in one post!? About time for a new Kanye album!
Logan Morrison – 1-for-4, HR (1). Eddie Rosario hit a grand slam and Max Kepler also homered, but its the LoMo dinger that’s the most noteworthy mostly because he’s batting .083 with the one homer, which might fly with the GD TB D-Rays, but here in Minnesota, in Kirk Cousins country(!), that ish ain’t gonna fly.
Cesar Hernandez – 2-for-4, run. BUY. Three multi hit games in his last four with two stolen bases. Hail Cesar! is a movie starring new Han Solo and he’s great in it but I have my concerns about the actual Solo film, ya’ll! You can read my 10,000 word filibuster on the topic here notmyhansolo.com.
Ben Lively – 6.0 IP, 5 hits, ER, 3 BB, 4 K. Ben Lively is overall pretty yawnstipating but whenever I see him in the box score I always think of Blake Lively, and she’s a babe so that’s pretty cool.
Ivan Nova – 6.0 IP, 5 hits, ER, 3 K. I didn’t love this start for Ivan, but I do love his home start next week vs. the ‘Roit. He hasn’t walked a batter in 19.2 innings and has a 25/4 K/BB through five starts. Super Nova is a star worthy of a look, at least until he explodes.
Dylan Bundy – 6.0 IP, 5 hits, ER, 2 BB, 9 K, 1st win. When not selling women’s shoes, Bundy likes to strike out Indians. You going to let these Windians win? No ma’am!
Trevor Bauer – 7.0 IP, 5 hits, 3 ER, 3 BB, 6 K. Be careful what you say about my ace. Whew. Yeah, weird, still getting used to that. Still, Bauer holds a 2.67 ERA, 1.11 WHIP with 27 Ks. Sounds like an ace to me.
Michael Brantley – 2-for-4. I said this two weeks ago but Brantley always seems to provide solid value and stats all around when he’s not injured or resting from being injured. Which, is like, 40 games a year. Own him while he’s not broken!
Manny Machado – 1-for-4, HR (6). Slashing .338/.418/.650 with 6 homers and 15 ribbies and three homers in the past two days. Contract Year Machado is a scary thing. Next year he’ll be a Yankee. In 20 years, all players will be Yankees. In 20 million years, after the collapse of our sun, we will all be dead, and everything we accomplished, built, and discovered as a species will be forgotten. Until then, best to fill your time with trivial nonsense like fake sports while you wait for your own death. Oblivion is inevitable. It’s a wonder why we even bother? Oh no, I think I’ve got another case of the sads coming on! A few beers and some Logic emo-rap will put out that fire!
Teoscar Hernandez – 1-for-3, HR (2), 3 RBI. BUY. Uncle Oscar is slashing .370/.433/.778 with a couple jacks since his call up and he’s hit safely in every game he’s played this year. EVERY GAME PEOPLE! That’s guaranteed production. Will you pleeeease just look at the stats!
Yangervis Solarte – 1-for-4, HR (5). Thankfully these blurbs are right next to other or I would never have noticed or got to type out the sentence: Yangervis Solarte has more home runs than Giancarlo Stanton.
Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-4, HR (4). Yeah, but call me when he’s on that Yangervis Solarte level.
Sonny Gray – 3.1 IP, 5 hits, 5 ER, 4 BB. Sonny Gray has seen sunnier days as he holds an ugly 8.27 ERA through four starts. Fire Aaron “H*cking” Boone!
Lourdes Gurriel – 2-for-5, 3 RBI. Yuli’s lil bro, Lourdes drove in the game winning run in his MLB debut. His brother was a BUY, so not sure if that makes him a buy by-proxy or just a bye-bye.
Jeurys Familia – 1.0 IP, SV (8). When the Mets closer has more saves than your entire fantasy team and you just don’t know if you can do this anymore.
Ozzie Albies – 1-for-4, HR (6). Ozzie Man Does has got to be the biggest fantasy break out of the season so far, right? Batting over .300 with six homers and 20 runs scored? Yes, please! Wouldn’t surprise me if Albies ends up be a bigger fantasy asset than Acuna even! This kid’s gonna be a star! Ha-cha-cha!
Ryan Flaherty – 2-for-4, RBI, SB (3). Who are you. Where did you come from. And what did you do with the real Ryan Flaherty.
Javier Baez – 4-for-6, 2 runs, HR (6), 4 RBI. Javy is about the hottest rocky mountain potato in the league right now. If only you could have done this when I first drafted you 4 years ago. He’s hitting .500 in the past week with 2 homers, which is skewed a bit because every Cubs game in the past week has been cancelled because of global warming or something. Put it this way, Baez has 6 homers and 16 RBI in 10 days. Sweet sassy molassy!
Albert Almora, Jr. – 4-for-6, 4 runs, RBI. When Gray tells you to BUY and the Cubs score 16 at Coors and Amora has four hits. Should we start calling Grey bhagwan? We already had a Guru.
Kyle Schwarber – 3-for-4, 2 runs, HR (4), 4 RBI. Mmm Cooors. Rocky mountain hiiiiiiiiigh. Coloradoooo! U smon’k? Will hit homers for edibles and CBD carts.
Nolan Arenado – 3-for-4, HR (2), 2 RBI. Oh hello, Nolan. Nice of you to finally join us :/ *hits home run, all is forgiven* Ty ty! Please don’t ever leave me again.
Jon Gray – 5.0 IP, 8 hits, 5 ER, 3 BB, K, 4th L. Life is hard being the Rockies ace. Gray is 0-3 with a 9.77 ERA and it doesn’t get any easier next week in Chicago. It’s hard for me to tell you to drop already, but I also would never have drafted this guy. I can understand your pain is all!
Wil Myers – 2-for-4, run in his return. Wil “I Passed the Other L to the Playa on My Left” Myers spent most of his time recovering ranking up in Overwatch Leagues and working on his DPS. I’ve been saying for months that all San Diego needs is some solid DPS in their comp. Make it happen, Wil!
Franchy Cordero – 1-for-3, HR (3). Sacre bleu, Franchy! He hits homers, he steals bases, he strikes out! What more do you want? Him not to strikeout, you say? Hmm, oh, um, well, batting .206, he’s probably gonna do that a lot.
Jeff Samardzija – 5.0 IP, 2 hits, 0 ER, 4 BB, 4 K, 1st win. Impressive return from the DL for Samadzjzijzfijaa! Shark loves life in SF. Probably because after home games he can go chill with his fam in the San Francisco Bay surrounding Alcatraz island. See what I did there? Because sharks? U like dat joke or nah? I shood make more puns or nah? Harper available for trade or nah? Interested in Jon Gray or nah?
Andrew Heaney – 4.1 IP, 6 hits, 7 ER, BB, 6 K. Nah.
Mike Trout – 2-for-3, HR (7). The Catatafish has finally summoned his disciple the Shoherring to assist in the one true phenom’s transcendence. As the prophecy is written, “a phenom who not only hits for power, but could steal plentiful bases, hit for a high average and play great defense. Assisted by the disciple Shoherring on both sides of the ball.” Omm. So it was written, and as the Catatafish had foretold, Michael Nelson Trout begins his rise up to be the one who will one day fulfill this prophecy and bring balance back to the AL West.
Mac Williamson – 1-for-4, HR (1), 2 RBI in his debut. Andrew McCutchen – 1-for-4, HR (3), 3 RBI. When did the Giants get so 0ld and boring and slow and 0ld. Heck, SF was practically collecting veterans this offseason. Bay area’ers in need of a little excitement? Enter Mac Williamson who was slashing .487/.600/1.026 and crushn down on the farm. This is what Giants fans need right now! Rookies named MAC who mash dingers, and not Pablo Sandovals for Bhagwan’s sake! SMH. Mac is worth a flier in deeper leagues while he fills in for Hunter Pence. He’s got power for dayz and was hot as h*ck in AAA before the call up. But most importantly, he’s not Gregor Blanco.
Max Scherzer – 6.0 IP, 4 hits, ER, 3 BB, 9 K, 4th win vs Clayton Kershaw 7.0 IP, 9 hits, 4 ER, 4 K. Whata matchup. This was like the Alexander Hamilton/Aaron Burr of pitcher’s duels. Is Lin-Manuel Miranda bout to write a rap about it?! So I guess Scherzer is the best pitcher in the NL now? Or has this already been the case for a couple years? To quote tonight’s box score, “Kkkkkkkkkkkkk.”
Drew Pomeranz – 3.2 IP, 5 hits, 3 ER, 2 BB, 7 K. The Big Smooth looked a little rough in his first start back but if he’s somehow still out there on waivers now’s your chance to grab him because the Red Sox may never lose another game.
Jed Lowrie – 4-for-5, run, RBI. Jed Lowrie leads the league in hits, people! He’s hitting .500 with three homers and 11 RBI in the past week! Grey told you to SELL not because he haaaates Lowrie. No. He’s rocking a .640 SLG%. How can you hate on that. You’re not selling Jed because he’s bad, but because the 34-year-old veteran can’t possibly be this good! Time to cash in!
Jackie Bradley, Jr. – 1-for-3, HR (2). He’s got two dingers and five RBI on the west coast trip. The Red Sox are now 17-2. And Mookie didn’t even homer!
Mitch Moreland – 1-for-4, Grand Slam HR (2). ALL THEY DO IS HIT GRAND SLAMS! I’m not being a homah or anything when I say my expaht fantasy sense is tellin’ me the Sawx are probably going 160-2, guy, because of of Teddy Williams, Brady, Larry, Nomah, Sam Addams, Matt Damon and Dunkin Donuts iced regulahs. No one denies this! Please just look at the stats!
Shohei Ohtani – 2-for-4. Say it with me, Jerry. SHO. HEI. OH. TANI. He’s got blistahs on his fingahs!! They have a saying in Japan, “Pejibyu no tame ni kono hito ni genkyu suru,” which roughly translates to “Mention this player for page views.”
Thanks for reading! Questions? Problems? Complaints to management? Advice, small gifts or large bribes? Please leave it in the comments below. Join us next Saturday for another Friday recap as fantasy baseball continues next week, all week long!
