On the podcast coming later today, I felt a reverb. Luckily, I do everything while standing in a doorway because who has time to run to a doorway in the event of a earthquake? This reverb wasn’t God practicing his spinning of tectonic plates. Oh no. This reverb wasn’t Dr. Dre messing with Technics either. No siree, Bob. This was the Padres trading Brandon Maurer and Trevor Cahill to the Royals for Matt Strahm, Travis Wood and Esteury Ruiz. Damn, San Diego, save some of the trading deadline hype for other people. Okay, I’m laying it on too thick. This trade is okay for both teams. Royals appear to have playoff aspirations, and get bullpen depth that they should never use in Maurer and Cahill, who has some of the most extreme splits I’ve ever seen. In Petco: 0.72 ERA; elsewhere: 5.75 ERA. Goodbye, my old friend! Of course, this means Brad Hand officially officially becomes the closer. Wouldn’t totally shock me to see Hand dealt — to who? Phil Ivey? — and Maton become the closer, but that’s more for NL-Only. Matt Strahm is an interesting name for NL-Only leagues for next year. As of now, he’s out after knee surgery, and he’s from the crazy Ks and crazy walks variety show, Krazy BBs. By the way, I believe Esteury Ruiz is Rio Ruiz with a badly thought out new name in the Witness Protection Program. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Hunter Renfroe – 2-for-4 and his 18th and 19th homer, hitting .232. Also, on the podcast that’s coming later today (last plug), Halp makes a very astute comparison between Renfroe and another player. Now it’s up to you to figure out if I know what the word astute means. Like a sign on a prudish brothel reads, therein lies the rub.
Zack Wheeler – Hit the DL with a stress reaction in his arm. This was overheard in the Mets’ clubhouse yesterday. “Wheeler’s arm hasn’t been right in two years, so why are we DL’ing him now?” “….Hmm….” “And what are we going to tell people the problem is?” “I don’t know, you’re stressing me out!” And they looked at each other like they just discovered the Americas.
Wilmer Flores – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer, and his third homer in the last four games. I’ve been thisclose to mentioning him the last few games, but one of the homers was a pinch hit home run, so what’s to mention there? I’m farting in your general direction, Pat Valaika.
Kyle Hendricks – 4 1/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.95, as he was activated for the start. Shows you what a tightrope pitching is when you look at Hendricks’ peripherals. He lost two miles on his fastball (which might be three when considering the change in measuring velocity this year) and he’s just a shell of his former self.
Jon Jay – 4-for-4, hitting .304. Lin-Manuel Miranda should consider a Hamilton spinoff for Jon Jay. By the way, I’m going to see Hamilton in November. Thinking of going in a suit made of ten-dollar bills. Too much?
Matt Davidson – 1-for-4 and his 19th homer. Has a seven-game hitting streak, but has gone cold for power recently, and that was only his 2nd homer since June 22nd. <–research you do when there’s only one day game.
Miguel Gonzalez – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.60. I don’t love him for fantasy, but his name makes me think he’d be a good friend, a Mi-Go to count on.
Anthony Swarzak – 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER and the save, ERA at 2.23. Hey, look at that, it only took the White Sox about five days longer than a man of average intelligence would’ve to use Swarzak as the closer. It’s a miracle some of these guys can tie their shoelaces. Maybe we can get Al Michaels to call the play-by play for the Miracle of Ties.
Matt Chapman – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer, and his third homer in the last three games. Howdy there, Mr. Hot Schmotato. Why don’t you mosey on up to my fantasy team so I can take your temperature?
Chris Smith – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.32. It might just be me, but there’s a ton of these slow mile per hour, 5 K/9 guys floating around the league right now. I can think of Smith, Blach, Leake, Nova, and that’s just who’s pitched in the last two days. Even with Icy/Hot, my nethers are not tingly.
Russell Martin – 2-for-4 and his 10th homer, hitting .222. Catchers are so bad… Audience refrain, “How bad are they?” They’re so bad when they’re making whoopee, they think of Goldberg, the wrestler.
Justin Bour – Hit the DL with a strained oblique. The Marlins are saying, “He’ll be good as new in exactly ten days and, someone please trade for him. How about a middle reliever? Can someone give us that?”
Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 31st and 32nd homer. He’s such a beast (a beautiful, handsome, well-defined in the buttocks area beast). He’s tied for the major league lead in homers and he hasn’t even been scorching hot this year.
Adam Conley – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.62. Serious question: does every pitcher have a 5+ ERA?
Tyson Ross – Hit the Disgraceful List. Rangers this past offseason, “What’s the worst that happens if we sign Tyson Ross?” Little did the Rangers know they weren’t asking a rhetorical question, they were making their final genie wish.
Zack Greinke – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.92. When you consider picking starters this year is like Princess Di walking through Somalian land mines, Greinke’s in Chase and doing this.
A.J. Pollock – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .303. He needs to flat-out rake in the 2nd half if he has any chance of keeping a high ranking from me next year, because I’m already kinda over him.
James Paxton – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.84. Written during the third inning, “In at least every other start by Paxton, he has a perfect game thru three innings and then peters out sometime in the sixth. Gotta be less peters, and more wolf, if you want to be my centerfold.” Aight, freeze frame on that, reverse it and apologize.
Eduardo Rodriguez – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.89. Stream-o-Nator had this start as a negative seven so I’m not totally surprised by the outcome. His next looks more promising, though not fully there.
Jaime Garcia – Traded to the Twins, which I went over about two months ago. Didn’t this shizz happen a while ago? Any hoo! Here’s what I said when I thought it went through last week, “Twins love these types of moves, where they land some also-ran and pretend to their fans they are actually attempting to make a run for the playoffs. Pirates are also fond of these moves. “You know who would look good on our team? Yangervis Solarte!” Okay, Pirates, if you say so. Aaron Blair sounds likely to take Garcia’s rotation spot. I’d like to B. Aaron Blair, but I wouldn’t own him.” And that’s me quoting me!
Mike Leake – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.20. Solid start, keeping the ball down in Coors. *intern whispers in my ear* This wasn’t in Coors? There was four homers hit. Oh, Manfred, I wanna see how tight your balls are wrapped! As for Leake, well, you know him, low Ks, low walks, safe-ish, which comes from the Isle of Safe.
Tommy Pham – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 14th homer, hitting .308. On a short schedule day yesterday in a 12-team NL-Only (deep league), I got six homers. That’s insane. What? Boring to hear about my team? Try reading 400 times about your teams!
Randal Grichuk – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. Now has six homers in his last eight games. Yo, Daenerys, someone’s breathing fire!
Kevin Gausman – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 5.79. Only has to get his ERA down .79 more and I’ll pay attention, or be at least more than two starts away from a 3 IP, 8 ER start.
Adam Jones – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 19th homer, hitting .278. Jones now has four homers in the past week, to go along with his 51 RBIs. He has six less RBIs than Nomar Mazara, who has 12 homers and a .237 average. Lowercase yay, leadoff!
Wilson Ramos – Left yesterday’s game after being struck with a bat, and needed staples for a head laceration. I thought most of those became Office Depots.
Blake Snell – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners (1 walk), 4 Ks, ERA at 4.86. Without too much exaggeration, this was the best start from him in his major league career. He’s held opponents to less runs, and racked up more Ks in starts last year, but one walk in seven innings has my Childish Gambino heartbeat, heartbeat. Will still likely monocle him in most mixed leagues, but at least I’m paying attention now.
Aaron Altherr – Aiming to return at the end of the week. Fun fact! Seth Smith was married at an Altherr.
Nick Williams – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs, hitting .315. Still hot, still schmotato.
George Springer – Left yesterday’s game with a sore quad. Interestingly enough, I have an Indian friend named Sorquad with hairless legs.
Derek Fisher – Being recalled in case Springer needs to be out for a while, or needs the DL. I like Fisher, I even went to see if he was available in my leagues. Instead, I got someone on waivers who I thought was named Autism Fisher (hey, it was late). The problem is, the Astros have no room for Fisher to play every day if Springer’s healthy.
Alex Bregman – 3-for-5, 3 runs and his 10th homer, and 2nd homer in the past three games. Oh, man, he’s pulling the ol’ solid 2nd half to get people excited in March trick. That’s my least favorite trick.
Jose Altuve – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs, hitting .365, and this was his 2nd four-hit game in a row. Damn, playa (not a Spanish beach), Too Short never even had this many hits.
Brian McCann – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 13th homer, and 2nd homer in his past three games. Big picture, McCann’s not having a good season. Big picture comparing him to other catchers, not too bad for McCann.
Andrew McCutchen – 1-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 18th homer. That was his first home run of the 2nd half, which makes the Pirates buyers! *three minutes later* No, they’re sellers! C’mon, Pirates, just trade for a boring vet starter and a middle reliever and pretend to be buyers. “We’re low budge. Leave the T off for team payroll!”
Gerrit Cole – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners (4 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 4.12. He’s having a July (near-2.50 ERA) that I wish would call up his June and be like, “You were giving us a bad name!”
Bartolo Colon – 5 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 8.00. At Dodger Stadium, the first 10,000 Bartolo baby’s mommas in attendance received child support.
Clayton Kershaw – Initial diagnosis says Kershaw will miss four to six weeks. His fantasy owners asked for a 2nd, 3rd, 4th and continued opinion until there’s someone who says he’ll be back in ten days. With the Dodgers coasting to the playoffs, I’d be shocked if Kershaw is rushed back after four weeks.
Hyun-Jin Ryu – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.17, as he was activated from the DL. Cool, now get in line behind the eighteen other Dodger pitchers–Oh, sorry, seventeen other. Ouch.
Cody Bellinger – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 28th homer. What’s the odds he finishes with more home runs than Judge? 20 to 1? I like them odds.
Joc Pederson – 1-for-3 and his 10th homer. Why do I wanna call him Barbara Hershey to Bellinger’s Bette Midler? We should have a glossary term for a big-time prospect who is eclipsed by another prospect in the same system. I’m thinking Pederson by Bellinger and what could happen with Devers and Benintendi. Please suggest in the comments.
Alex Meyer – Hit the DL with shoulder inflammation because: 2017.
Carlos Santana – 2-for-3, 3 runs, and his 11th and 12th homers. I was kicking myself for using USPS, but it looks like the smelling salts finally reached Santana.
Scooter Gennett – 1-for-4 and his 18th homer, hitting .313, and 2nd homer in as many games. This is always fun, and super painful. On our Player Rater, Gennett’s been the 9th most valuable 2nd baseman this year, pretty much a dead heat with Cano.
Zack Cozart – 1-for-4 and his 12th homer, hitting .318. With the exception of Peraza, pretty much every Reds hitter had value for where he was drafted. The hitters? The Big Red Machine! The pitchers? Charlie Sheen post-winning.
Mike Moustakas – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 29th homer. Moistasskiss!
Salvador Perez – 2-for-4 and his 20th homer, hitting .284. I’ve said a few times in this post about how bad catchers are, but Perez is not only doing well for a catcher, he’s actually doing well in general. Zoinks!
Jorge Bonifacio – 3-for-5, 2 runs, and his 14th homer, and third straight game with a homer. Member the days when 14 homers in July excited you? Sigh. Well, definitely a schmotato.
Justin Verlander – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.50. I wonder if him and Kate have discussed where he might be traded and if she has a preference. Los Angeles would welcome her with open arms, give her a reality show, a Kardashian friend and name a Pink’s hot dog after her, “Kate’s Hand Bra(t).” A mouthwatering bratwurst that is placed into your hand with some burnt potato chips that resemble areola.