There’s No Way This Burger Was Prepared, It’s Crim News To Ketchup On

Rarely am I surprised by a demotion. Jake Burger being demoted shocked me. We should have a contest next preseason to guess the guy who will be demoted that will floor people. Has to be a guy in the top 125 or so in drafts, and I have to pin down what “floored” means. So, I’m still working out the specifics. I do remember I got one correct with Keston Hiura. ‘Member him? He was, like, a top 70 pick in 2021, then demoted. Damn, I am still living off that call of mine. Though, Burger was a vet, and they traded for him; this is very surprising. Like any Burger, I’m still trying to process it. Rarely do I quote anyone else that I don’t know, but this Burger joke put the chuck in chuckle:

What-AAA-Burger

— Steve (@iamtherealsteve.bsky.social) May 1, 2025 at 7:46 PM

Blaine Crim was called up to replace Burger. So, dot dot dot, does he have the meat, Clara Peller? Itch said this last year, “As a 5’10” right-handed first baseman, Rangers 1B Blaine Crim, Independent (27, AAA) faces an uphill battle to establish himself in the majors, but he’s fighting the good fight, slashing .280/.375/.474 with 19 homers and a 17.5 percent strikeout rate. That’s basically a carbon copy of the line he produced in 124 Triple-A games in 2023. He might need a change of scenery to get a chance, but he’s a bat to follow if he lands on a less competitive roster. Be nice if he landed on top of Grey with a thud.” C’mon! So, Crim looks like a Quad-A player, but has pop (7 HRs this year in 115 ABs). Maybe AL-Only, maybe a deep mixed league flyer, if desperate. Seems like a poor man’s Burger. Call him White Castle. By the by, I’ve never seen him, but with a name like Blaine, I know it’s not, say, Latin Castle. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Gunnar Hoglund – Was called up by the A’s. Here’s what Itch said about Gunnar Hoglund, “I don’t buy in on many pitching prospects, but when I do, they’ve got plus command of multiple off-speed pitches in a pitcher-friendly setting. The primary return for Matt Chapman, Hoglund might’ve been a 1.1 pick if not for an elbow injury. He still went 19th overall and pulled an elite major league third baseman in trade, then threw eight shutout innings across three starts when he returned to the field. Now, let’s discuss beating up Grey.” Okay, what? So, am I picking up Hoglund in mixed leagues? Said like Dana Carvey imitating George Bush Sr., “I’m not Gunnar do it.” Not yet at least. The excellent command does have me monocle’ing.

Jeffrey Springs – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 4.98. One K in six innings is some Doyle Alexander shizz, but I’m beginning to think all A’s starters are terrible calls at home and Road Scholars.

Tyler Mahle – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA 1.19. You were right in March, a Rangers starter is unhittable this year. Only it’s Mahle, not deGrom.

Justin Martinez – Hit the IL with “I’ve felt like poo for weeks.” DBags think a few weeks is all he needs, but ‘feeling like poo’ can linger. Someone who doesn’t feel like poo is the person in your league who picked up Shelby Miller (1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 0.00, and his 1st save), but no one escapes picking up Shelby Miller for very long. Though in fairness, he does have solid ratios this year, and was great in 2023. [cough covering words] And awful in 2024. [cough cough] There’s also Kevin Ginkel, and MTV’s The Challenge Torey Lovullo sounds like he favors him. Though, not yet. When? Haven’t the foggiest! Oh, and Kids in the Hall’s Ryan Thompson got the save on Wednesday. Now, watch Jalen Beeks get the next save, the one guy no one is picking up. So, yeah, a mess, but go Miller.

Tim Tawa – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer, all since Ketel went on the IL. Albeit, his homer was likely Tawa’s last at-bat in the majors. Can Ketel not come back? Is that possible? Feel like this genie lamp I bought off the back page of a wrestling magazine doesn’t work. No money back guarantee sucks too, I think I was ripped off.

Geraldo Perdomo – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .275. This weekend Ketel Marte returns, which doesn’t spell the E-N-D for Perdomo, but he will likely move down the lineup. Though, maybe only to the three-hole and Pavin moves further down.

Zac Gallen – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners (3 BBs), 8 Ks, ERA at 4.93. This was very nice to see, because Gallen was nearly in that range of, “You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay on my fantasy team.”

Juan Soto – 2-for-3 and his 3rd and 4th homer, and 1st time he homered in CitiField. Comatose Mets Fan, “Whoa, 1st homer at home for Soto?! I must not have been comatose very long. What is it, April 2nd? 3rd?…5th?” Take it easy, CMF, the Mets are doing well.

Bryan De La Cruz – Claimed by the Yanks. You laugh but watch as he takes all of Dominguez’s playing time.

Miguel Vargas – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Miguel Vargas in his last 9 games — .394/.459/.545, four strikeouts in 37 plate appearances. He won’t be in this afternoon’s buy but that’s a schmotato.

Tyler Fitzgerald – Hit the IL due to his ribs, i.e., Fitz is on the fritz.

Heliot Ramos – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in two games, and hit leadoff yesterday. Still plenty time in this season for this preseason sleeper to awaken (pun points).

Justin Verlander – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.38. Just putting it perspective, this was at home vs. possibly the worst team in history.

Camilo Doval – 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.84, as he pitched the 7th. So, I guess Ryan Walker’s the Giants’ closer again? Why can’t managers just leave one guy in the 9th inning? Am I asking too freakin’ much?

Ryan McMahon – 1-for-3 and a slam (3) and legs (1), hitting .152. “Listen, I’d happily help you get that body in that overhead compartment, but there’s no way you’re fitting–Hold on! McMahon moved! He’s alive!”

Zach Agnos – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 0.00, and his 2nd save. Welp, guess I have to take this serious. Agnos touches 98 MPH with an excellent 84 MPH change, solid command and spectacular mustache. He was a closer in the minors. Suckies might lose 120 games, and that isn’t really a great place to look for saves, and neither is Coors, but here ya are, if desperate.

Gleyber Torres – 3-for-3 and his 4th homer, hitting .300, and 2nd homer in three games. You know he’s gonna be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because he’s sizzling.

Javier Baez – 1-for-5 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in two games, hitting .291. What year is this, 2016? Oh, I think I figured when Baez hits well. Who did he vote for?

Casey Mize – 7 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.70. You know things are going your way when you A) Have an ERA still under 3 and give up four runs to the Angels. B) Are allowed to pitch seven innings after giving up four runs. C) There’s no C.

Dillon Dingler – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .291. [hundreds of poop emojis come flooding into my group chat with Dingler’s Dingers] We are legion. Never doubt the Dingler.

Spencer Torkelson – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .239. I’m sorry, I just heard Kanye’s new song and my brain no longer works.

Jorge Soler – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .243, 2nd homer in two games. Soler is the type to get hotter than the, well, sun.

Logan O’Hoppe – 2-for-4 and his 9th homer, 2nd homer in three games, and 3rd homer in a week, hitting .280. If only I drafted O’Hoppe in the 1st round instead of Gunnar.

Yusei Kikuchi – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.21. Yawnsei Kikuchi. (I’m such a hater.)

Jhonkensy Noel – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Big Christmas in May it’s just ridiculous. What’s next, Ramadan in June? President’s Day sales in July? Are we animals?!

Ben Lively – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.72. Ya know what Lively is? An adverb for energetic! He’s also a solid starter for deep leagues, that you can’t really start in shallower ones.

Dansby Swanson – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 6th homer, 2nd homer in three games. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because I think he’s rostered in more than 50% of leagues, but Swanson has been hot, if he was dropped in your league.

Seiya Suzuki – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th and 9th homer, hitting .295. As I once told my dog, Ted, “Seiya balls!”

Kyle Tucker – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer. Tucker about to get a billion in free agency. Or whatever the Dodgers are willing to pay him.

Colin Rea – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 1.46. He has a 1.8 BB/9, so even if the Streamonator hates him, I could see tiptoeing in.

Bryan Reynolds – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. That’s a Reynolds rap! As in a knock. Rap on a door? Is it getting better?

Paul Skenes – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 2 Ks, ERA at 2.74. I’m still the only person talking about his strikeouts falling dramatically. What’s that, have I ever read anyone else to know if they’re talking about? Bro, who’s got time to read? I’m busy unionizing lemonade stand kids.

Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. The pitch by Slaten that he hit out was about three inches off the ground and the only way Cake Batter could get to it was by swinging up. More pitches on the ground for him please.

Daulton Varsho – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in two games, after just returning from the IL three games ago. Fine, schmotato alert!

Jose Berrios – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.98. His peripherals are [holds nose]. They can get less [scrounges face, waves hand in front of nose], but, contrary to popular thought, I smelt, Berrios dealt.

Walker Buehler – Returned to Boston for tests on his shoulder, because that’s where all the colleges are. Elias Sports Bureau said, “No pitcher in the majors has a healthy arm.” Hmm, sounds right.

Tanner Houck – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 6.38. Welcome to 2025, Tanner Houck! Streamonator likes his next one and I could see it. Better act quick, because one more great start and he’s gonna be flying off waivers.

Yandy Diaz – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. “Dude’s built like a brick house and hits like a church mouse!” That’s from the Jeopardy! category, Things I Wouldn’t Say To Yandy’s Face.

Shane Baz – 5 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.86. I’m reminded of Brad Pitt playing Billy Beane in Moneyball. To paraphrase him, “If Baz is such a great pitcher, why doesn’t he pitch great?”

Seth Lugo – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.07. I just had a thought, so I searched who has the best ERA since 2023 with at least 400 IP. Zack Wheeler does; Seth Lugo is third best if you allow him in at 397 IP. And that’s who you’re wondering if you should sit in your fantasy league. (Bet you can’t guess number two.)

Bobby Witt Jr. – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. His hitting streak has now reached 22 games. 34 more games and he gets an automatic drip coffee maker and to sleep with a Marilyn Monroe lookalike.

Maikel Garcia – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, 3 steals (5, 6, 7), hitting .296. He was a preseason sleeper, by the by. Cust kayin’ because I rarely kay it about him.

Spencer Steer – 2-for-3 and his 3rd homer. Him and McLain feel like buy lows, but they’re also contingent on health, so that makes them a buy…medium?

Jose Trevino – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, 2nd homer in three games. Oh, you best believe he’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy column! Quite the allure, huh? Jose Trevino!

Alexis Diaz – Sent to the minors. He’ll spend some time there coming to terms with losing the closer job to Emilio Pagan. That’s gotta hit anyone as a pretty hard gut shot. “He’s a loser. I’m a closer. Like the great Kyra Sedgwick!” That’s Alexis Diaz taping up a “Closer starring Kyra Sedgwick” poster over his bathroom mirror while his minor league roommate watches on with shaving cream on his face.