The Court Is Back In Session

Yesterday, Aaron Judge went 0-for-3 as he was activated from the IL. He was slotted right back into right field, which is perhaps the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Only thing dumber might be paying a red-light camera. They can’t make you pay. This is legal advice from a fantasy baseball ‘pert. Call me into the court as your expert witness if anyone has a problem with my advice. I’ll be your legal advice witness. “Yes, your Honor, I told Razzball Commenter, Bing Bong Balls, not to pay that red-light ticket. For our next witness, I call your housekeeper to tell us what she saw on your computer while she was cleaning your office! What do you mean I can’t call a witness because I’m a witness? Very convenient!” Any hoo, Judge was removed after six innings, because. Dot dot dot. Is this a rehab assignment? Heliot Ramos came in to replace him and hit his 11th homer. Does Judge get half of that? Can he just DH? It’s very dumb to let Judge play the field, like that Judge was pretending to play the field on his computer history! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Cam Schlittler – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 hits, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.01. I have Schlittler in a few leagues so I’m not complaining but what are the Yankees doing hosting the Rockies in September? Come on, man. That’s the most ridiculously biased schedule I’ve ever heard. A historically terrible road team just happens to be in Yankee Stadium in September? Oh…[makes an entire zoo’s worth of origami animals]…kay. As for Schlittler: 178 2/3 IP, 220 Ks, 2.01 ERA, 0.92 WHIP and .189 BAA. Seems decent.

Adael Amador – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer, 2nd homer in a week, and has been hot since being recalled. Could be a schmotato while Willi Castro is out and Amador is playing.

Hunter Goodman – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 37th homer. Giving the Yankees a little taste of what he’s going to be doing for them 15 times a year when they inexplicably sign him as a 36-year-old.

Garret Crochet – Tracking towards being ready for the playoffs. Pressing hands together in the prayer formation that he pitches incredibly well in the postseason so people overdraft him next year.

Patrick Sandoval – 6 IP, 4 ER, 12 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.58. Was thinking Sandoval might be someone who interests me next year, and maybe at the right price, but he really needs to control his pitches, especially in Fenway, where any extra baserunners could spell T-R-O–well, you know how to spell.

Reid Detmers – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.32. Ya know who Detmers reminds me of? This is going to be a huge compliment: Gavin Williams. You forget how good Detmers is between his starts, then he goes out there and completely aces whatever matchup he has. Never thought we’d get there, but Detmers has put himself on the map. Call him Reid America.

Zach Neto – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer, hitting .242. Interesting, I thought he was hitting for a worse average on the year. If he gets to .260 on the year (thereabouts), this won’t even be a bad season for average. To clarify, thereabouts is plus or minus three. Plus or minus four or greater and you get hit with a Whack-A-Mole mallet. You, not him. Sorry, you’re a part of this now.

Sean Burke – 1 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.58. “Mom always said don’t play Sean Burke in the house, and now Sean Broke and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. I hope you’re happy. You did this! Sean Broke! Because of you!” That’s me losing my mind while driving through a car wash.

Bubba Chandler – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.25. White Sox are a pee-poor team for not striking out and Bubba had a huge early lead, but zero walks and eight strikeouts has me flapping my arms like a switch-hitting Joe Morgan and I’m floating three inches off the ground.

Rafael Flores Jr. – 3-for-5 and his 8th homer. An orange that is completely squeezed of its juice and holding it up and squeezing it above my mouth, getting a drip, drip, drip of Vitamin C. That’s what it’s like having a two-catcher, NL-Only league and Flores is that orange.

Freddy Peralta – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.82. So, it took the Rays a month but they figured out how to help FreddyKBB? I’m only half kidding. He does have three straight solid starts now, and maybe he’s fixed. Am I confident starting him? Oh, heck no.

Liam Hicks – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer. I’m pretty sure someone commented the other day they were dropping Hicks and to that we should say, “Thank you.”

Junior Caminero – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 39th homer. Juco Loco’s going to be a Hall of Famer. Yes, I’m saying that after roughly two seasons, but I’ve seen enough. Call the engraver to put Juco Loco on a plaque.

Yandy Diaz – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer. Good for him with this season. I thought he was mostly Steinbrenner created, like fistfights with Billy Martin.

Richie Palacios – 1-for-4 and a slam (9) and legs (12). Fourth homer in the last week, and Dick Palace will be in Friday’s Buy, which will be on the Patreon around noon today. I’m churning, people, I’m churning!

Bryce Elder – Shut down for the rest of the season, i.e., we’ll see Elder again when we’re older.

Corbin Burnes – 3 IP, 0 ER, as he was activated from the IL, and threw 57 pitches. That’s how many varieties there are of Heinz! By the way, I’ve seen five, maybe six Heinz varieties. Y’all lying about 57. There’s no way. Maybe ten to fifteen. No one’s ever bought more than three either. Heinz out here blatantly lying and thinking they can get away with it. No more! Anyway, I went over Burnes yesterday. He’s always been good, just a matter of how many pitches he can throw.

Tim Tawa – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs  and his 10th homer. Ya think Jordan Lawlar ever sees Tawa playing every day and is like, “I can play every day, coach,” and when he’s saying that he strains his quad?

Michael Wacha – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.25. Streamonator has him at Houston next, which is meh, but he’s been good all 2nd half (2.27 ERA).

Corey Seager – 1-for-4 and his 16th homer, 2nd homer in two games, third homer in a week. Seager’s hot, so ride the white pony, as they say, but he’s really become worse than most guys who were stars, because no one even talks about him not being good anymore. It’s like it never happened.

Wyatt Langford – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (16) and legs (12), hitting .245. Guess how many RBIs Langford has. Ezequiel Duran has 78 if that helps. It absolutely should not help! Langford has 38.

Cal Quantrill – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.89. Grabbed Quantrill in my RCL league for tomorrow’s game because Fantrax said he was pitching tomorrow, but thankfully I had him in my lineup for this start. Winging and prayer’ing it.

Lazaro Montes – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd home run, which went 474 feet. Elias Sports Bureau said, “That’s a quarter of the way to the moon.” It’s also the longest home run of the season, tied with Tatis.

Bryce Miller – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.22. Started struggling on July 9th, just to give you a little idea how long it takes MLB teams to realize when shizz goes sideways. The Shizz Sideways Clock is still ticking here.

Kazuma Okamoto – 2-for-4 and his 30th homer, 2nd homer in two games. Uh-oh, Murakami, he caught you in homers.

Josh Smith – 2-for-4 and his 6th homer, and 3rd homer in a week. Saw he homered the other day, but failed to mention it because he doesn’t play every day, but he’s hot. By the way, didn’t he used to have an H in the middle of his name? Did I hinvent that?

Jose Soriano – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.48. If you started Soriano in Bing Bong, take off the protective cup you’re wearing because you have nuts of steel. Put it on your desk and use it as an ashtray! You don’t need it anymore!

Donovan Walton – 2-for-3 and his 6th homer, 2nd homer in a week. This home run was a bit of payback because he homered off Soriano, who was on the Angels when Walton was. Hey, it’s his revenge fantasy, don’t ask me.

Leo De Vries – Will undergo shoulder shoulder and miss the next eight months. That’ll put him on pace to break camp for the A’s in July.

Will Smith – 1-for-3 and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer since May 29th. Los Angeles hasn’t seen a drought like that since it was orchestrated by Noah Cross.

Tarik Skubal – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.84. Even with Wrobleski and Sheehan’s returns, Skubal’s staying in the rotation.

Elly De La Cruz – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 25th homer, and 4th straight game. He also took a home run away from Teoscar, who tried for an inside-the-parker but was gunned down by E! making a 105.3 MPH throw. Honestly, it sounds cooler than it was. Teoscar was so winded coming around third that he looked like he was looking for oxygen.

Yohandy Morales – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, and that’s only only six games. Yohandy isn’t just what you exclaim to your high school girlfriend.

Clayton Beeter – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 4.60. Nats set the MLB single season record with 38 blown saves. There’s still three weeks left.

Jacob Misiorowski – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.95. Not bad, but A Man D. Peterson (4 1/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 5.28) matched him, so can’t buy my love, Misiorowski. Though, The IO Update is beating Peterson in some key ways. He’s at 161 1/3 IP, 236 Ks, 1.95 ERA, 0.80 WHIP and a .156 BAA with 1,010 pitches over 100+ MPH most in a season ever.

Jackson Chourio – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer, hitting .286. Ja-Chou, God Bless you!

Jacob Webb – 1 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.36 and his 7th blown save. He said he’s tired of letting the team down. Did he mean my fantasy team? Because he should.

Juan Soto – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 24th homer. It would be nice if he got to 30 homers, but it’s going to be the most meaningless stat-piling since his last September.

Francisco Lindor – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 17th homer. This was a leadoff home run for the bangfizzle! (Look at me busting out the lesser-used terms.)

Brett Baty – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, 2nd homer in three games. Hot schmotato alert!

Sean Manaea – 5 IP, 4 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.79 vs. Sandy Alcantara – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.78. This matchup was billed as, “Sandy/Sean or just Seandy, and Just Seandy sounds like a song from a musical you were dragged to. ‘I have to go to the bathroom.’ ‘Are you going to check the scores of your fantasy team because they’re singing Just Seandy?’ ‘No, dear.'”

Drew Anderson – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.80. Drew Anderson might be the number one, “Wow, I didn’t think his stats were going to be as good as they are under the hood.” Streamonator doesn’t love his next one, but I could see it.

Kevin McGonigle – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, 2nd homer in two games. Get hot, you ess oh bee, McGonigle!

Kody Clemens – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 25th homer. That’s HRody Clemens to you, Roger!

Andrew Painter – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.71. So, he was pitching well to rope us into starting him in your H2H playoffs just to do a number two in the bed? Worst Painter since Thomas Kinkade.

Trea Turner – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, hitting .241. That’s a nice reminder that he didn’t retire at the All-Star Break.

Hayden Wesneski – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.35. Short list for a 2027 sleeper, might depend on how many Polish jokes I think I can make.

Christian Walker – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 25ht homer, hitting .230 and in the seven hole. But wait it gets worse! Cam Smith (1-for-3, 2 runs) hit his 18th homer, and he’s in the nine-hole, hitting .214. But wait! There’s more! Dalton Varsho (3-for-5, 2 runs) hit his 11th. That’s it. Astros are Yordan and Pena and pray for Yordan and Pena to wear other uniforms and bat for their teammates.

Landen Roupp – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 2 Ks, ERA at 4.00. This was a straight Streamonator call and I wouldn’t trust him for his next one (vs. the same Cards; all year teams have played the same opponents repeatedly).

Christian Koss – 2-for-3 and his 4th homer, 3rd homer in four games. Chris Koss make you jump-jump (if you like hot schmotatoes).

Bryce Eldridge – 1-for-3 and his 16th homer. That’s in 100 games. I’m not going to say anything derogatory because Eldridge has almost as many shooters as Roman Anthony, but Eldridge sure seems a bit boring.

Pete Alonso – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 34th homer. Albombso!

Travis Bazzana – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, 2nd homer in three games. Bazzana just needed me to say he was droppable to get going. That never worked for Vlad Jr. I tried. Repeatedly.

Tanner Bibee – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.22 vs. Brandon Young – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.71. This matchup was billed as, “Young/Bibee which was Peter Billingsley’s rap name.”