Just Damn. Just Doh. Just Don’t-tell-me-he’s-out-for-the-year. Just Depression. Just Difficulty-feeling-happiness. Just Dis-stress-is-stressing-me-out. Just D-negative-words-in-the-thesaurus. Just Dissolvent. Just Did-you-say-dissolvent? Just Don’t-stop-hugging-me-with-your-eyes-Ted-I-can’t-be-alone-right-now. A fractured elbow for J.D. Martinez. It happened when he ran into a wall. Apparently, the wall doesn’t own him. I hate you, wall! “If he dies, he dies.” Oh my God, the wall is imitating Ivan Drago! I knew it! The wall is a Russian super-villain. Martinez will head for a CT scan. I don’t know how long he’ll be out with a fractured elbow, but it sounds like it will be a while. Let’s join in the shape of a parallelogram and pray. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Victor Martinez – 3-for-5 and three solo homers, his 10th, 11th and 12th homers, hitting .338. After each homer, V-Mart dropped the bat and screamed, “Respect your elders!”
Nick Castellanos – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 13th homer. It was a straight Home Run Derby yesterday for the Tigers — six homers in all. A crooked number for J.D.’s crooked elbow, which is what I say to the team as I pat their butts, individually. Then my speech to the team, “We are meeting here today, inside the clubhouse, partially because if we met on the streets of Detroit, one of us would be mugged, but mostly, we are meeting to remember… Clear eyes, full hearts, broken elbows, can’t lose!”
James McCann – 1-for-1, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. I don’t even own Justin Upton (1-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI) and I’m not thrilled James Freakin’ McCann has as many homers as him.
Danny Duffy – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.17. He looked like straight butter on the back end of Kate Upton at times yesterday. Of course, it wasn’t all cream of wheat, he did cause chafing when I was trying to rub away my stress at him giving up homers. I’m still holding him though. Nothing gonna break-a-my-stride, nothing gonna slow me down. Oh no! I got to keep on moving!
Evan Longoria – Day-to-day with forearm tightness. Leave it to Longoria to sell his soul for “four or five decent weeks of hitting.” Why not barter with the devil to stay hot until the All-Star break?
Steven Souza – Hit the DL with a strained hip. That’s not similar to when your uncle strains to sound hip. “Hey, Grey, I’d like to see that waitress twerk on my Lemonade, amiright?!” Um, yeah, Uncle Richie.
Blake Snell – 3 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks. I’ll just wait outside this saloon, tied to the WHIPping post. Takes a whole lotta tryin’ to have a 3.30 WHIP with a 2.70 ERA. Similar to trying to get off my fantasy teams. The Rays will provide no offense, I hate their division for starters and I’m done with Snell until I see a good matchup.
Steve Pearce – 3-for-5, 1 RBI, hitting .346. He would be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but he’s owned in more than 50% of leagues, which is surprising, y’all impressed the Fantasy Master Lothario.
James Paxton – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.86. I’m still on this guy’s train. Awesome, to the Pax!
Kyle Seager – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer. Something that no one is talking about (likely because no one cares). Kyle Seager and brother, Ceager, are nearly identical for fantasy baseball value so far this year. I’d guess Ceager wins, but Kyle has the small edge right now.
Aaron Nola – 3 IP, 6 ER vs. Toronto. That Nola should’ve been declared a disaster site by FEMA. I’d hold him for his next start vs. the Twins, then reevaluate if that’s bad.
Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 18th homer, and 27th homer in the last five games. For the Edwin! He’s on one right now, and being on one is a good thing, like bananas, but not bananas that are prepared in a dish by Guy Fieri.
Jose Bautista – Left yesterday’s game with a hip flexor problem or a thigh problem or left big toe soreness, depending on who you’re trusting. He sounds day-to-day, but he’s headed for x-rays, so if you own him, you can pray for the best, and if you don’t own him, you can pray for the worse. Then we can see who God loves more.
Michael Saunders – 1-for-5 and his 12th homer as he returned to the lineup. I’ve cycled through a lot of schmohawks in my utility slot, and I likely should’ve just held Saunders all year. Likely’s putting it lightly, of course, I should’ve.
Kevin Pillar – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and two homers (6, 7). Another Blue Jay that has been insanely hot, but, again, going against the Phillies can help turn a bat around, especially when their ace, Nola, is getting hit too.
J.A. Happ – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks. Looking for a non-flashy, relatively safe pitcher? There’s a Happ for that!
Wil Myers – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 15th homer. Padres say they’re prepared to trade Myers. Of course, makes sense. They have a guy in his prime, who was a top prospect, that is breaking out and they only have him cheap through 2019. But, I mean, if they can get three Jon Jays for him. You have to take that, right?
Melvin Upton – 2-for-4 and two steals (14, 15). Maybe he’s trying to get traded too. Tigers could use him, then the Upton’s can morph into one barely mediocre player.
Bryce Harper – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer. Who’s this now? Harper? Not sure I’ve heard of him. Is he new in the league?
Wilson Ramos – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 11th homer. Only took him three years of teasing us to finally stay healthy and breakout.
Anthony Rendon – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer. I just realized something. I didn’t own Rendon during his great 2014, but have owned him for the past two years when he’s been atrocious and just okay. I have Rendon lust.
Colby Lewis – 9 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.81. He took a perfect game into the 8th inning when, in the first row, Len Barker stood up and pointed his index and middle finger into his eyes, then took those same two fingers and pointed them towards Colby. Lewis was so shook he immediately walked Yonder Alonso. From that Barker point forward, Lewis never looked the same and lost the no-no in the ninth. I’d say Lewis had a good game, let’s just write it off as an aberration, but he has a 2.81 ERA in 93 IP. All that with a 87 MPH fastball and a 5.6 K/9. How does he do it? By generating weak-sister contact with great command. Not running out to add Lewis — I’m too much of a strikeout whore — but Lewis could provide some matchup appeal.
Ian Desmond – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 10th homer, hitting .314. I nearly made Desmond my sell for the Buy/Sell column coming later today, but I thought on it with my elbow on my knee, and I don’t think you can get value for Desmond.
Daniel Mengden – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.25 thru two starts. Honestly, I’m kinda more interested in Mengden than that previous Len Barker-wannabe. His control has me a little bit worried, and his next start is a little on the iffy side of things, so I’m gonna take a pass in 12-teamers, but, in deeper leagues, I could see the flyer. On a range of Paxton, Snell, Duffy, et al etc. and so on, Mengden’s last for now.
Mat Latos – Released by the White Sox. This will mean more time he can spend with his wife! In related news, how long until Latos signs with a Japanese team?
Cody Reed – Was called up by the Reds. You know that old joke by Woody Allen where he says, my brother is crazy, he thinks he’s a chicken. To which the shrink says, why don’t you commit him? He won’t commit him because he needs the eggs. That’s how I feel about rookie pitchers. They’re totally crazy, risky, and irrational, but we keep going through it because we need the eggs. Is Cody Reed going to be better than, say, CC Sabathia this year? Unlikely. So, why pick him up over Sabathia? Because I need the eggs. Reed can hit high 90s with his fastball and his control appears improved this year. If you’re looking for upside, take the flyer.
Dan Straily – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER vs. the Braves. The Regression Fairies wrote Nicholas Sparks a fan letter saying simply, ‘Thank you,’ they would love to drive everyone but no one can fit in their PT Cruiser, and they will destroy your previously pristine ratios.
Adam Duvall – 1-for-3 and his 19th homer. Here’s what frequent commenter, Fred Garvin MP, said yesterday, “Bryan Price pulls a double switch in the 5th inning of a game in which he trails by 3 runs, removing his cleanup hitter (Duvall) who is tied for third in the majors for home runs for a minor league scrub. What a twit.” Yup.
Jose Peraza – 1-for-4 and two more steals (2, 3) in only six games played. VanSAGNOFglorious, indeed, but Hamilton returns today, so I’m not sure where Peraza will be playing.
Adonis Garcia – Lifted from the game with ankle soreness. Speaking of lifting, if your name is Don, you should lift up random things and say, “A Don is lifting.”
Freddie Freeman – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, and 3rd homer in the last four games, hitting .265. Okay, I’m done making fun of his RBI total. I mean, now he’s ranked 132nd for RBIs tied with Denard Span and Chase Utley.
Matthew Wisler – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.23. Stream-o-Nator was a little meh on this start, but hates his next one, and I wouldn’t mess with him — or no Messler.
Trayce Thompson – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer. You can wait for him in today’s Buy column, because you know he’s there, but I’d imagine you’ll wait longer than that, because you’ve already waited about two weeks too long to pick him up.
Scott Kazmir – 4 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.64. We should have a glossary term for a pitcher who racks up so many strikeouts he can’t go very deep into the game. Please suggest a term in the comments.
Chris Carter – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer. 35 homers, over or under? I’m gonna go over. Just barely with 37.
Jonathan Villar – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (6) and legs (24). How beautiful is this guy? Not to answer, but to ruminate on his beauty.
Eduardo Rodriguez – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 6.97. Ed-Rod looks possessed by Thetans.
David Ortiz – 2-for-4 and his 17th homer. This was his first first homer since June 2nd. On June 3rd, I told you to sell him. You can’t make this stuff up! Well, you can, but you could also check it.
Adam Jones – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer. Hard to argue with success because success is an amorphous state that can only be judged by your inner peace and your outer bling. But, if I were to argue with success, Jones would have about fifteen more RBIs if he would’ve been batting third during his past month, instead of leadoff.
Tyler Wilson – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.16. I’m happy for Wilson, but I’ll be damned if I’m starting a pitcher in one of my leagues that is a crudely drawn face on a well-worn volleyball.
Glen Perkins – Done for the season with a torn labrum and rotator cuff problems. Why not break your elbow too for the pitcher-no-wantie trifecta? “I had the pitcher-no-wantie twice!” We know, Kris Medlen. Brandon Kintzler is the guy to own. Wanna know how pathetic I am for saves? I own(ed) Abad in a 12-team league. That’s the backup guy on a team that has around 1.5 saves every six weeks. I parenthetical’d the tense on Abad, because Didi Gregorius got into him in a Abad way yesterday in the 7th inning, and I no longer own him.
CC Sabathia – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.20. Maybe I should stop chasing upside pitchers and just own Sabathia. *thinks for a millisecond* Nah!
Juan Nicasio – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER. We want Glasnow, uh, now!
Andrew McCutchen – 3-for-4 and his 10th homer. Haven’t mentioned him in a while, because he hasn’t done anything good. Looking at his Ks and walks. Wow. He went from a .400+ OBP guy to barely .300. His steals are next to nonexistent and his infield fly balls are way up. Infield fly balls show a guy that is making terrible contact. He’s only 29 years old, but he looks like he’s about 40. Not super promising.
Michael Conforto – 2-for-4 and his 10th homer. Uh-oh, watch out, Conforto had a cortisone shot two days ago. You know, cortisone, the legal steroid.
Curtis Granderson – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 13th homer, hitting .226. Hey, it’s Marla Gibbs’ neighbor!
Neil Walker – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .275. Heard a lot of people talking about dropping him, so he was bound to get hot. It’s the way of the Razziverse.
David Wright – Undergoing neck surgery and is likely done for the year. Do you think when the sentence “undergoing neck surgery” is over so is the surgery? Deep and Sounding Stoned Thoughts by Grey Albright.
Wilmer Flores – Left the game after taking a pitch off his hand, but x-rays were negative and he should be fine. If he doesn’t start every day now that Wright is out the entire year, it’ll be a crying shame. Literally, for him.
Willson Contreras – *walks down the sundae bar, scoops out some chocolate, some vanilla, some strawberry, puts some jimmies on it, pours on hot fudge, sprays on whipped cream, sprinkles on nuts, tops with a Maraschino cherry, drops the entire sundae into the garbage* We see there’s a garbage can there filled with thousands of other sundaes. *pushes the sundae-filled garbage can to a table, lifts up a shovel and begins to eat* We see sitting next to this gluttonous man eating from the garbage can filled with sundaes is a homeless family. The gluttonous man smiles and eats. Finally, the gluttonous man says to the homeless family, “Any interest in trading for Chris Coghlan?” That’s the Cubs, the homeless family is all the other teams. They called up Contreras yesterday and he’s better than 75% major league catchers. Damn, Cubbies, it’s been a while, you know you can only win one championship a year, right? In Triple-A, Contreras had nine homers, 4 steals and a .353 average in 55 games. Not sure if he’ll be the Cubs’ number one catcher, but I’d grab him just in case. It’s not as if Miguel Montero is that great. Worst comes to worst, I am sure Mitsubishi execs would support Montero’s move to the Nippon league. Much like Toyota threw a ton down for Tercell Camry and he was just four years old.
