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Sad to report Zach Eflin’s back is tight and he will miss two starts–WHOA! Hold on a second here, Previous Sentence Grey! Eflin is injured but the Rays are calling up Taj Bradley. Wonder if Taj knows the Reds’ India. They would seem like natural friends. Taj is a pretty girl’s name, let’s see if I nod my head after looking at his stats. Looks at stats, nods heads–I mean head! Yes, I’m interested. So far this year, he’s only thrown two games and that sorta sample size is irrelevant — that’s what she said derisively! Here’s what Itch has said previously, “Bradley is a little underrated at the moment. Makes sense. Feels like Tampa can poof a good starter into existence at any given moment, and Bradley wasn’t dominant in 59 innings at Triple-A (1.19 WHIP, 15.4 K-BB%). On the other hand, he’d just posted a 0.91 WHIP and 24.6 percent strikeout minus walk rate in 74.1 innings at Double-A. The Rays make overperformers out of decent athletes all the time. Bradley is a plus athlete. I don’t know if he’ll splash like McClanahan or Rasmussen did, but I am expecting something pretty similar when they deem Bradley ready. Finally, I want to punch Grey in the head.” Okay, not cool! We all love our rookie starters — I called ahead for a table for one. The name is: Horntown. — but they could clobber you. Plus, Eflin will be back soon, so I could see a Taj Bradley streamer, but he’s likely not long for mixed league relevance. At least not this first call up, i.e., Taj isn’t ready for the long Mahal just yet. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Yandy Diaz – 3-for-3, 3 runs and his 3rd homer. Old man with a long flowing grey beard, “C’mon, child, let me tell you about the last time the world witnessed a Rays loss. It was…” Old man suddenly expires.

Brandon Lowe – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer. *wavy lines signifying a dream sequence* Whoa, we’re back in the year when the Rays last lost a game. Holy crap, cars are still on the ground?!

Josh Lowe – 2-for-4, 2 runs and a slam (2) and legs (1). Meh, he didn’t break out immediately when called up, so he’s no longer a top prospect. *intern whispers in ear* Oh, he’s still a top prospect? Damn.

Isaac Paredes – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer. Eff it, at this point pick up all Rays players!

Garrett Whitlock – 5 IP, 5 ER, as he was activated from the IL. Okay, not a great start, but he’s never had bad peripherals. He’s also never been able to throw more than 78 1/3 IP in the major leagues, but that might have some correlation to the Red Sox being like, “Whitlock is going to be a starter this year,” then they put him in the pen for four months. Super intrigued to see Whitlock this year in the rotation, but I still don’t think he can pitch more than 110-ish innings. Could be a solid 110-ish IP though, and I’d grab him in most leagues if you need help.

Ian Anderson – Will undergo Tommy John surgery. Ian Anderson is what Kyle Wright sees when he looks into a mirror labeled “2024.”

Dylan Dodd – Optioned to Triple-A. Goodbye Dylan Dudd.

Kyle Wright – 3 IP, 4 ER, as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s Get Him In Your Lineup Department said, “The bag in the fridge was labeled ‘Patty from HR,’ so I pulled out and ate each Cadbury egg without touching the bag.”

Jose Barrero – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. I’ve been waiting for Barrero to happen for, like, three years. You know I have my monocle on in case this is it.

Grayson Rodriguez – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 6.75. Hey, I’m just going to place down my Shasta on the counter of this Al Qaeda-run bar and go to the bathroom. Can you watch it? *four hours later* Hey, how come that guy has a lamp with my face on it? Wait! My face?! Ahhh! Roofie!

Ryan Mountcastle – 3-for-4, 9 RBIs and his 4th and 5th homer. Mountcastle holds up a magnifying glass, “This week’s Player of the Week is going to R_an _ountcastle? Hmm…Rian Fountcastle?” His Watson shakes his head.

Austin Hays – 4-for-5, 4 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, as he leads off vs. lefties. Schmotato? Sure, and I like Hays in general, but vs. terrible lefties is just prime Hays Bang Time.

Seth Brown – Out for four to six weeks with an oblique strain. Damn, he got the bad oblique. That could open up more at-bats for Noda, which is also what Italians call “being naked.”

Alek Manoah – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.91. Man, he’s so cooked. I’d be selling low at this point.

Kevin Kiermaier – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer, and he made one of the best catches I’ve seen stealing another home run from Kerry Carpenter. Web gem meets Bologna’s last name and the result is exquisite.

Bo Bichette – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. Boba Chette is better than this year’s season of The Mandalorian.

Alejandro Kirk – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer. “Hey, let’s just go ahead and dump the body off the side of the ship–Hold up! Kirk just moved! He’s alive!”

Hunter Gaddis – 3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 8.53. Witness Protection Evan Gattis didn’t look so great. Real Evan Gattis had a time of it the other day on Twitter, admitting to cheating for the entire 2017 Astros team. I think if the entire Astros’ organization was being real with itself, they’d all admit it like drunk and possibly-on-drugs, Gattis. Guess we’ll see in twenty years, or whenever the Twins’ deal with Correa expires.

Franchy Cordero – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 3rd homer in four games. Hot schmotato alert? Sure. Pulling me back in like Michael in The Godfather alert? Yeah, prolly!

Alex Bregman – 2-for-5 and his 1st homer. Sell! Kidding. Kinda. Okay, not really.

Kyle Tucker – 2-for-3 and a slam (4) and legs (3). Mr. H2H is a machine. Exactly one homer and three-quarters of a steal each week.

Ryan Pressly – 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 8.44. How long until it’s announced Rafael Montero is taking over while Pressly figures it on the IL? One more outing?

Ji-Hwan Bae – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, as he moves to leadoff in place of Oneil Cruz. This was what I posited would happen on this week’s podcast, as I weeped loudly over Cruz.

Jack Suwinski – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. If last year is any indication, Suwinski gets hotter than a Van Halen member for a teacher.

Ji-Man Choi – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!

Xander Bogaerts – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Well, if it isn’t Xander Franco–I mean Wander Bogaerts–I mean Xander Frangaerts!

David Peterson – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.91. I like Peterson, but the Streamonator doesn’t like his next, and I agree.

Corey Seager – Left the game with a hamstring injury. I had a tight hamstring once. Chewed it right off the Hormel, and it was some kind of delicious twine.

Jarred Kelenic – 2-for-2 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd in as many games. And that’s back-to-back sonavabenches! I hate weekly leagues.

Hayden Wesneski – 1 1/3 IP, 2 ER, but 5 more unearned. Holy ticker shock!

Trey Mancini – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer, as the Cubs scored 14, the Mariners scored 9 and this is April. Wait until August in Wrigley!

Dansby Swanson – Left the game after making a throw (and after four hits). If this is bad news, the once-stacked shortstop position lost Oneil Cruz, Tim Anderson, Corey Seager, and Dansby Swanson in two days.

Elias Diaz – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games. Catcher questions in 3, 2, 1…

C.J. Cron – 1-for-5 and his 4th homer. Curtis Jackson loves beats in da club, and hitting in April and May.

Pierce Johnson – 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 7.71. Hey, this Johnson? What a dick!

Juan Yepez – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. Cards could replace literally anyone on their team and get the exact same production from anyone they use as replacement.

Ildemaro Vargas – Hit the IL, and Jeter Downs was called up. If you know what team, you win a ticket to see, “Too Much Time On Your Hands,” with Nathan Lane.

Logan O’Hoppe – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer. O’Homer! O’Yeah!

Shohei Ohtani – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 5 walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 0.47, 1-for-4. I kinda wanna put a wig on Ohtani and sneak him into my hitting lineup as he pitches.

David Villar – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. As he went back-to-back with Brandon Crawford (1-for-3, and his 2nd homer). Don’t mess with the Giants on an odd year.

Merrill Kelly – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.11. Hey, Miles Mikolas, look at Kelly! You’re supposed to be like him!

Rowdy Tellez – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. If Razzball comments are any indication, everyone’s already moved on from Rowdy Tellez. Welp, too bad. It is a full 11 games into the season and all.

Scott Barlow – 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 7.36, and hsi 1st blown save. Great, and Aroldis is breathing down his neck. For the first time, Aroldis is a handcuff, and not in a bad way.

Jonah Heim – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd in as many games. Hit ’em with the Heim!

Tim Anderson – Out for four weeks with a knee sprain. “Due up for your Chicago White Sox…Lenyn, Burger, Sheets…” I thought Stalin was the one who had Hamburglar bedsheets. So, about this Lenyn Sosa guy, what the heck is this Socialism?!

I stood in line all day for bread while I was checking out the waiver wire and all I got is a guy with 5-homer power, 3-steal speed who might hit .250? Should’ve known not to trust a White Sox Sosa. Will wait until he’s traded to the Cubs. Or Cuba! So, Lenyn Sosa has been hot in the minors leagues, maybe he comes up with that sort of fire. Lenyn should really be spreading the wealth though.

Luis Robert Jr. – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 5th homer. LouBob breaking out finally on everyone’s team except mine while I’m moving the desk calendar to August so I can pretend Oneil Cruz is healthy again.

Byron Buxton – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Oh, boy, Buxton’s about to go batshizz crazy for three weeks and then jank up his quad.

Edouard Julien – With Joey Gallo going to the IL, Edouard Julien is being called up. They didn’t give me much time to practice spelling his name because I thought Ed, o, u, ar’d up Juli en August. Julien had a .440 OBP in the minors the last two years, and went 19/20 in 121 games. Here’s Itch on him, “He’s listed at 6’2” 195 lbs but never looked that big to me, not that it matters. Julien makes the most of every pitch, riding that third rail between passive and selective. I just dinged Emmanuel Rodriguez, another Twins’ prospect, for the same, but Julien walks about ten percent less often than Rodriguez (19.3 percent in 113 games). Strikes out less, too. He lacks the eye-catching upside to pass the top two on this list. Julien is much more likely to help in the near term after posting a 144 wRC+ in a full Double-A season, but I’m a bit skeptical about the bat speed on Julien. I’d like to take a bat to Grey’s noggin.” All right, not cool! I could see grabbing Julien in every league, but he feels more like a 15-team mixed league and deeper guy.

Lance Lynn – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 7.31. Sonavabench! I guess the good news is he looked better. That sure doesn’t feel like good news as I’m staring at him on my bench.

Aaron Nola – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 7.04. Yeah, how about that xFIP?! You don’t have an xFIP category? Oh, damn.

Jesus Luzardo – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.93. Pitchers are so funny (read: Not funny). You draft one in the 2nd round, and you’re feeling good, then a few weeks later Luzardo has a 1.93 ERA and you’re like, “What is the meaning of life?”

Jon Berti – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (1) and legs (2). One guy who never is drafted in the top 250 overall, but always returns top 250 overall value? Go ahead guess. Your uncle Frank? No, man! Berti! Dude, that was an easy one. I’m in his blurb.

Luis Arraez – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, as he hit for the cycle. This was the first cycle in Marlins’ history. The next closest was Jeff Conine, when he 1) Caught a Marlin 2) Slept with Wayne Huizenga’s daughter, Judith 3) Underneath the Marlin home run sculpture that looked like a unicorn vomiting 4) and a single.