Jays traded Roberto Osuna to the Astros for Ken Giles. Basically, they traded headaches. If the Jays and Astros wanted to do what was best for baseball, they would have Giles and Osuna step into a steel cage, right at the Canadian border, and whoever was able to get out, that would be who would continue on. It can have lots of little Canadian touches too, like a maple syrup hazard and scaffolding designed by Bret Hart. “Giles looks like he’s going to escape–Ooh, a Mountie greets him with poutine in the eye. Would’ve thought he’d look out for that, but it never o’CURD’d to him.” “Mean” Gene Okerlund with the pun! I like this trade for both teams. Your piece of shizz for my piece of shizz. All trades should be this clearcut. As for fantasy, Roberto Osuna should take over in Houston when he returns next week, but Hector Rondon had been pitching well (until his last outing). Might not be Osuna immediately, but I’d imagine he gets in the 9th by his third appearance. Pretty much same deal with Ken Giles. Though, there’s a lot more emphasis on Ken with Giles. Ken he? I don’t know, but the Jays also have less desirable options, so I could see Giles getting saves even quicker than Osuna. In most leagues, I’d grab both. Or whichever makes it out of the steel cage.
Gotta think Ken Giles punched his own ticket.
— Razzball (@Razzball) July 30, 2018
Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Johnny Cueto – Back to the DL, and sounds headed for Tommy John surgery, which would put his 2018 on ice and 2019 would be in Cool Runnings, meaning he’d have about as much a chance of being valuable in 2019 as the Jamaican bobsled team has in the Olympics. Spoiler alert! I never saw Cool Runnings, but they should lose at the end. John Candy, rest his giant soul, can’t coach bobsled, and Jamaicans have never seen ice before except in one of those glorious blended drinks! Let’s be real here.
Carlos Martinez – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.41, as he was activated from the DL. No lie, I wrote this before his start, “If he pitched well, I was going to say, just wait until he’s hurt again for his next start and pitches awful for the next five starts. If he pitched terribly, I was just going to say, obviously he’s still hurt.” And that’s me predicting shizz! He’s hurt again; this time a shoulder strain. I wouldn’t be surprised if he had a problem with his shoulder this whole time and the Cards just said it was an oblique. I dropped him in one shallow mixed league league last week, and didn’t even go back to look if someone else grabbed him. It sucks, but it’s a lost season for C-Mart.
Jedd Gyorko – 2-for-3 and his 8th homer. My best batty calls have a lot to do with tiny pickles, a Gyorkin’ I go.
Marcell Ozuna – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 13th homer, and three homers in three days. Okay, do it for another two weeks, you knob.
Nolan Arenado – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 28th homer, hitting .308. This is the Chinese restaurant menu that Neville Chamberlain signed when he was giving away Sudetenland to Hitler. A true historical document. I’m just going to carelessly put it by this open window—NOOOOO!!! Torenado!!!
Aaron Nola – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.35. I don’t know when it happened, but I fell in love with Philly at some point this year. I hope they make the World Series. I wanna hear Joe Buck talk about Aaron Nola’s strong jawline! I wanna see Gabe Kapler make three trips to the mound within seven pitches and have to change the pitcher in the 1st inning. I wanna see Rhysus walk on water! Swoon! *makes shape of heart on chest with hands*
Ian Kinsler – Traded to the Sawx. If there’s one guy who will move right onto a team and assimilate, it’s Kinsler. Assuming the team is an H&R Block company softball team. I guess the Red Sox felt they needed a 2nd baseman and the Fun Police. Kinsler’s been hideous this year, and I don’t expect that to change, but Fenway could help boost his average a bit, and obviously it’s a better bottom of the order to hit in.
David Fletcher – Should be the benefactor to Kinsler’s vacated 2nd base spot, but if The Sciosciapath can work Valbuena into the lineup more often, then he will.
Adam Duvall – Braves acquired him from the Reds for Lucas Sims, Matt Wisler and Preston Tucker. Oh, man, Duvall is the bane of my existence. For months, I wondered why the Reds were playing him over Winker and others and now the Braves are going to bench Ender Inciarte for him? The Tilde? Markakis? C’mon, stop, and no way. I guess Duvall sees some at-bats over Ender vs. lefties. He does hit .224 vs. lefties with five homers. Wow, I’m not makin’ Duvall out of nothing at all, Air Supply.
Julio Teheran – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.46 vs. Wei-Yin Chen – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.86. Due to socioeconomic conditions, Teheran has an abundance of people who love falafel, but there’s a lack of good falafel restaurants, due to war-savaged city. That’s my Wei-Yin on Teheran.
Kolby Allard – Expected to debut today. He will take the mound after deleting all tweets prior to 2015. I went over him for fantasy yesterday, use your scrolly finger and have at it.
Freddie Freeman – 1-for-4 and his 18th homer, hitting .313. Dying for Freeman to go on a huge streak, and make a run at 35 homers. Literally, it’s my oxygen.
Ronald Acuna Jr. – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer, hitting .256. He will be my favorite player tilde make someoñe as exciting.
Mason Williams – Should be the benefactor of the playing time with Duvall gone. You might remember Mason from crying hysterically as a child while Harry Chaplin played Cat’s in the Cradle. I searched Mason Williams on the site and had to go back to Prospector Mike to find any actionable advice, and that was, “Seems like a 4th outfielder with some speed, and Grey is a major jerk.” Wow! What is up with that? Williams seems like a $1 flyer in NL-Only to see if you can catch some SAGNOF in a bottle.
Kenta Maeda – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.48. Don’t worry, once Ryu is ready to return, Maeda will come down with a sudden case of pretendonitis too.
Eric Thames – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer. When you realize the power went out yesterday at Dodger Stadium, then you know Thames was doing Angelenos a favor with his shot of power. It’s all but useless for us, though, since Thames is definitely powered by water, and Los Angeles has been in a drought since 2009. They teach The Raisins of Wrath in schools here. Kids don’t know what grapes are.
Keone Kela – Was traded to the Pirates. Yo, teams are funny. Every team could use bullpen help, I get it, but the Pirates look at their roster and that’s their takeaway as to their biggest need? Vazquez, Crick and Santana have all been solid. Any hoo! Keanu’s favorite player, Keone, is no longer a closer for a major league team and loses nearly all his value. As for the Rangers, all my ex-relievers are messes in Texas. I grabbed Alex Claudio, took a second to look at his stats and dropped him for Jake Diekman, took another few moments, and decided I’d go with Jose Leclerc, but he was gone.
Steven Souza – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. I’m guessing ‘two homers as we head to August’ won’t be in the package his agent sends out during his arbitration.
Shin-Soo Choo – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 19th and 20th homer. Three more homers to top my arbitrary 22-homer cutoff that you kinda do think Choo will never top. C’mon, admit it.
Rougned Odor – 1-for-5 and his 10th homer, hitting .268. *takes a long inhale* Hey, that Odor isn’t rancid!
Edwin Jackson – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.32. How is he pitching so well? Because the A’s haven’t lost a game since 2017. Even if the Stream-o-Nator liked Edwin’s next start, I’d have a hard time starting him.
Nick Martini – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .325 and leading off for the 180-game winning A’s. Martini’s a bit of a 12/12/.275 player, but definitely has some schmotato with him (as with the entire A’s club).
Mark Canha – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 14th homer. Canha, Piscotty (2-for-4, 2 runs and his 15th homer), Semien (2-for-4, 2 runs), even Lucroy (1-for-2, 1 run, 3 RBIs)…Right now, I want every A’s hitter. I know, it makes no sense with everything we’ve learned over the past decade.
Aledmys Diaz – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!
Hunter Renfroe – 1-for-5 and his 8th homer, hitting .232. I like Renfroe, so don’t take this the wrong way, but how the effin’ eff holes is he batting third? On a bad team, he’s not even the seventh best hitter.
Gorkys Hernandez – 1-for-5 and his 13th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Could be a schmotato; could be a Russian 80’s sex comedy named Gorkys.
Lance Lynn – Traded to the Yanks. Podcaster Ralph and I talk about this trade on the podcast. My big takeaway is how long until the Yanks saying Severino is being skipped or DL’d for two turns in the rotation? Can’t imagine the Yanks are going to a 6-man rotation just for Lynn. Though, they might feel obligated after making him do a 5-hour shave. We should start The Lance Lynn Challenge: Videotaping incredibly hairy men for charity. The charity is to buy eye wash for all the people that watched the videos.
Jose Ramirez – 2-for-4 and two slams (31, 32) and a legs (24), hitting .294. Holy crap, he’s going 40/40. I’m going to start calling him, Mr. Superlative. Bring on all the adjectives, Mr. Superlative can shoulder the load.
Shane Bieber – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.73. He also had one unearned run, and I’d contend (for the featherweight title) that, if Bieber had that one more measly run, you wouldn’t even be eyeing him.
Ervin Santana – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 6.10. Ervin’s doing some serious magic to his trade value. It’s like the hidden quarter trick behind someone’s ear, and accidentally pulling out an eardrum.
Adam Warren – Traded to the M’s from the Yanks. Warren became obsolete when the Yanks added their fourth “closer on another team.”
James Paxton – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners (0 BBs), 8 Ks, ERA at 3.49, as he was activated from the DL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Can you 3-D print other 3-D printers?”
Kyle Seager – Out on paternity leave. This is what happens nine months after Seager puts on the Night Moves.