Yesterday, Rafael Devers was called up by the Red Sox. Meh, if he’s anything like Danvers, Mass., I’m good. Somewhere, Prospector Ralph just Hulk-smashed his computer. Say something bad about Rafael Devers and Prospector Ralph goes full Clubber Lang at the Rocky statue. “You want a real man to play third base with your wife?” Devers’ minor league numbers (20 HRs, near-.310 across two levels this year in 85 games) look like yet another Benintendi, but with more power. The Sons of Sam Horn will go legit Sophie’s Choice if you try to get them to choose between Benintendi and Devers. “I’d prefer to eat at a Wahlburgers every day for the rest of my life than choose between those two. Oh, and Yankees suck!” After owning Benintendi for the past four months, I think I might prefer Devers next year, if he’s all that he’s cracked up to be. Not to get too crazy, but can anyone say a lefty Miggy? If you can’t say it, you might need to see a speech therapist. Devers is absolutely a grab in all leagues to see how looks. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Hanley Ramirez – 2-for-4 and his 16th homer, and 3rd homer of the 2nd half. I mentioned in my 1st Buy column of the 2nd half, that Hanley was huge last year post-All-Star break. Not Sandoval huge, though Hanley is starting to look squishy.
Rick Porcello – 8 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.52. His peripherals actually look better this year, which shows you how fluky Cy Young is. The award, not the guy. Though, Cy Young didn’t shower for weeks, so fluky or even salmony could be used to describe him.
Parker Bridwell – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.09. Prospector Ralph gave you a whole Parker Bridwell breakdown in his top 100 starters. I’m yawnstipated by Bridwell’s numbers. A sub-6 K/9? Josh Tomlin just called his lawyers about trademark infringement.
Andrelton Simmons – 2-for-4 and his 11th homer, and 2nd home run in as many games. I told you to grab him about six weeks to two months ago, so I’m slightly puzzled why people are still asking about him. Don’t be scared just because he looks like there’s something a little extra to his terrestrial.
Keon Broxton – Optioned to Triple-A. This bums me out in more ways than one like a homeless man with no pants. I know Broxton has been kinda gross in the last month (3-for-50 slump), and, overall, he’s striking out like a blind Rob Deer, but he had 14 HRs and 17 SBs, and in the deep leagues where I had him that actually wasn’t that bad. Not to mention, taking his place is Brett Phillips who has a 43% strikeout rate! Now I know why he was in that all-girl group, Whiffs Some Phillips with their smash hit, Hold On For One More Strike.
Junior Guerra – 4 IP, 5 ER, EAR at 5.22. Remember when we thought this guy was the Spanish-language Dennis Quaid, not getting his start in the majors until he was in his 30’s? Turns out Guerra is a Randy Quaid GIF dancing to Despacito.
Nick Williams – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer in only 19 games, hitting .309. I have no idea if he’ll continue to do this, but it does not matter. He should be grabbed until further notice.
Jerad Eickhoff – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.71. I told you to grab Eickhoff on Friday, due to the Stream-o-Nator. You can now go back to not hassling with The ‘Hoff.
Gregory Polanco – Hit the DL with a strained hamstring. The way his season is going, I’m guessing he strained his hamstring while attempting to not steal a base.
Mark Reynolds – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 21st and 22nd homer, hitting .286. I wanna say something about how Mini Donkey’s average will continue to fall in the 2nd half until it’s around .255, but I don’t want to incite “drop Reynolds” comments. You should not drop him, because: Coors.
Trevor Story – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .237. He’s not going to hit 40-plus homers, but if he finishes the year hitting 25 homers and .250, it’s that awful? Rhetorical!
Starlin Castro – Hit the DL with a strained hamstring. The Yanks will turn to Tyler Wade and Torreyes, or Paul Sorvino from the bridge of the nose to the forehead brow.
Didi Gregorius – 2-for-5 and his 13th and 14th homers. Didi, Didi, Didi, can’t you see, sometimes your home runs mesmerize me!
Brett Gardner – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .256. There’s so many homers this year…Audience refrain, “How many homers are there?!” There’s so many that Brett Gardner has 17 homers in July and no one even cares.
Jon Lester – 8 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.95, vs. Adam Wainwright – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.89. That’s an old school matchup right there. For one Saturday in July, Adam Wainwright and Jon Lester reminded Buzz Bizzinger what it was like to be alive, and cranky. Always cranky. Other side effects of getting old are gas, irritability and thoughts about how those kids on Jeopardy are dressed too outlandish. Talk to your doctor before taking Linzess.
Willson Contreras – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Serious question, Posey or Contreras? It’s damn close on the Player Rater.
Paul DeJong – 2-for-4 and his 12th homer. And another DeJong LeDong! This guy’s got no business being this good, but he has two homers in two days, and almost a home run every other game thru 46 games.
Randal Grichuk – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, and 3rd homer in three games. Of course, schmotato. But, seriously, how is Manfred denying the balls are Ecto Cooler’d as a MF’er? I said the last line like Dr. Dre, because I’ve been watching The Defiant Ones all weekend.
Sean Doolittle – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 2nd save on Saturday. You know how they say, “All that’s left is to dot the I’s and cross the T’s?” Between Madson and Doolittle, it was obvious who should be the closer, and all there was left was Dusty to dot the I’s in illogical and cross everyone’s eyes. Now, not only is Madson the righty, Doolittle saves two games, then Dusty sends Doolittle out there in a non-save game yesterday.
Tanner Roark – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 4.83. This game was in Chase Field, and the Diamondbacks have a lot of weapons, so in weekly leagues, I benched Roark. Of course, Just Dong and Goldy were sitting, everyone else went oh-for-whatever and sonavabench!
Stephen Strasburg – Left yesterday’s game with A pitcher getting hurt? There’s more incongruous things. Like Ed Sheeran in Game of Thrones, for unstints. “Loving can heal, loving can mend your soul,” Ed Sheeran singing to The Hound. Did those dragons just fly over sharks? Hmm. When Stephen Strasburg and….
Clayton Kershaw – …Both left the 2nd innings of their respective games within minutes of each other, the Fantasy Baseball Overlord laughed, a deep menacing laugh. “I am holding lightning in my left hand, a giant Cheeto in my right hand and am farting thunder. I am the Fantasy Baseball Overlord.” Um, FBO, could you close your robe, your, uh, junk, is hanging out? “I am not embarrassed, I am the Fantasy Baseball Overlord!” So, this sucks for anyone that owns either Strasburg or Kershaw. Kershaw is headed to the DL with back pain, but you can form a prayer hexagon he’s not out for two months like last year.
Matt Adams – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer, as he handed Kenley Jansen (1 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 1.49) his first blown save of the year, and maybe ever. Elias Sports Bureau says the last Dodgers’ closer to blow a save was Eric Gagne, which set him off like a Rube Goldberg-esque machine through Canada, the Atlantic League and the baggy pants section of Marshall’s.
Jim Johnson – 1/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 4.10. It wasn’t a blown save, but Arodys Vizcaino is still a must-own, since Johnson feels like he’s holding it together with string cheese and duct tape.
Scooter Gennett – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .314. Remembering I got Scooter in a 12-team NL-Only league in the free rounds makes me want to slide my left foot to my right foot like I’m in a Bruno Mars video.
Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-4 and his 16th homer. Eugenio reminds me of Freddy Galvis. Wildly underrated in deeper leagues. No one wants them in the preseason. Instead, they want guys like J.P. Crawford and Willie Calhoun. You know what place the guy in my NL-Only league is with Willie Calhoun and J.P. Crawford? I’ll let you guess.
Sal Romano – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.50. If you have a last name Romano, and don’t name your kid, Pecorino, you’ve sorta failed at life. It’s irritating, even grating.
Billy Hamilton – 3-for-4, 1 run and his 42nd and 43rd steals. You know what Hamilton’s like right now? Babe Ruth in the dead ball era. Hamilton’s headed for 70 steals and the guy leading the AL might not have half of that. Hey, someone’s gotta be “Home Run” Baker to Hamilton’s Ruth.
Brad Hand – 1 IP, 0 ER and his third save, ERA at 2.12, as Brandon Maurer saved a game of checkers to be played later on when Hand was done saving the baseball game. That the Padres almost got to August with a closer who has a 5.72 ERA, instead of the obviously better one, says a lot about the Padres. I’d own the Hand of the K’ing, and permanently forget Maurer.
Mark Melancon – Threw a bullpen session and Bochy said he was encouraged that Melancon can return in a couple of weeks. Couple of weeks?! Casey Kotchman give him mono or something? This is not a great sign, as the Giants may be sitting on Melancon because they are so far out of it.
Johnny Cueto – Resumed playing light catch. I’m sure he’ll be over his season-long pandemic of blisters in only a week to ten days. Is the sarcastic font coming through?
Whit Merrifield – 2-for-3, and his 9th and 10th homers, hitting .293. While we wait for Merrifield to stop producing? He’s continuing to produce.
Eric Hosmer – 2-for-4 and his 15th homer. Having himself a nice little 2nd half so far — three homers, one steal, hitting over .300. A good August and everyone in Kansas City, Missouri, including grandmothers, will get the signature Hosmer fauxhawk.
Sergio Romo – Acquired by the Rays. Damn, that fixed their team with the quickness. Such great parity in baseball. Yanks got who? Red Sox got what? Who cares, the Rays got Sergio Romo!
Jake Odorizzi – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.47. If you avoided anything with Odor in its name this year, you’re likely not complaining. Seems so obvious, in retrospect.
Mallex Smith – 2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 15th steal, and homered on Friday. Could be a rising schmotato. Plus, I like the idea of anyone that can steal.
Alex Claudio – Clean save on Saturday as Kela pitched the 8th, then Jose Leclerc got the save on Sunday because Claudio had gone two straight. Claudio keeps murdering ghosts of past Rangers’ relievers and getting the job done. Unless the Rangers run headlong into stupid, I doubt they switch to Kela or Leclerc without Claudio faltering.
Rougned Odor – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 18th and 19th homers, hitting .214. I could be remembering this wrong, but I don’t think Odor has a multi-hit game this year that didn’t involve homers.
Joey Gallo – 2-for-4 and a slam (23) and legs (6), hitting .194. Too bad he’s a hacking machine like Hacksaw Jim Duggan trying to play golf with a 2×4 because Gallo would have great value with slightly better contact.
Carlos Gomez – 2-for-4 and his 13th homer. This season’s been so boring for both CarGo’s, you’d think they abandoned Stringer Bell, Avon Barksdale and McNulty only to focus on the Sobotka’s.
Zack Wheeler – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.21. It’s always three years after Tommy John surgery. Yeah, that’s the ticket!
Michael Conforto – 2-for-4 and his 19th homer, hitting .294, and his third homer in the past three games, and he’s hot as a fire emoji again. No matter what Conforto does the rest of the season, we had a great run and he’s primed to be a number one outfielder next year. He just needs to shake some of this inconsistency, like June with one homer and a .206 average.
Marcus Semien – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer, also had two steals this weekend with a four-hit game. I was about to say if Semien’s available in your league, I could see grabbing him, but I just looked at his ownership numbers (8%), and now I’m perplexed why he’s that available. He had 27 HRs and 10 steals last year. Sure, “Marcus Semien” sounds like a descriptor for your bedsheets, but don’t hold that against him. Literally.
Matt Chapman – 2-for-3 and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Chapman’s got power for days, but minute to minute he could strikeout at one of the worst rates in the majors.
Khris Davis – 2-for-4 and his 28th homer, hitting .246. Doing Chris Davis better than Chris Davis. Like the reverse scenario of when Tori Spelling thought she married the guy from The Practice, only to find out it wasn’t Dylan McDermott but Dean McDermott.
Danny Salazar – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 8 Ks in his first start back from the DL. Yeehaw! No, I’m not mispronouncing Indians’ mascot, Chief Wahoo, I’m pumped because I accidentally started Salazar. Here’s to small miracles, which was not the robot girl TV show in the 80’s. Only thing consistent about Salazar is how inconsistent he is, so I’d go in using the side pool ladder vs. jumping right in, but this start was a great sign.
Corey Kluber – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 14 Ks, ERA at 2.74. You can find me with da Klub, tailpipe like Bubb Rubb. Look, mami, he got X number of Ks if you’re into getting high without drugs. If you got him on your team, then show him some love! You can find me with da Klub!
Michael Brantley – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a home run, hitting .303. Guess what number home run this was. Go ahead, I’ll wait. Keep in mind Scooter Gennett had four homers in a game and Kevin Pillar hit his 11th homer, also in this game. Give up? Brantley’s got six homers. That’s like when you go back to your childhood home and it’s so much smaller than you remember. When Brantley was good, six homers was decent, but now it’s so small.
Troy Tulowitzki – Likely back Monday from his sore groin. Seriously, Tulo’s strained his groin more in his career than a porn star.
Mark Trumbo – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 17th homer, and 2nd homer in the last four games. Please, Fantasy Baseball Gods, let Trumbo have a ten-homer August. It’s all I ask (along with every player I own staying healthy).
Lance McCullers – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 3.67, and three straight miserable starts. Sigh. I prolly should’ve benched him as I wait for the Astros to DL him. We had such dreams and aspirations in the 1st half, now they’re nothing but good vibes and bad farts.
Jose Altuve – 4-for-5, 3 RBIs and a slam (15) and legs (21), hitting .358. With Correa out and Springer resting, the Astros asked Altuve to step up and he said, “Are you mocking me?”
Colin Moran – Astros called him up to possibly replace Correa….And that womb is polluted, because Moran almost immediately hit the DL with possible orbital fractures. Chew Orbital gum, don’t get orbital fractures. That’s clear now to all involved.
Collin McHugh – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER in his first start of the year. Sticking with the Collin (sp?) theme, McHugh was activated and looked like his old self, i.e., a player I’d avoid. In AL-Only, you do what you have to do, but in mixed leagues, I’d want to see something first. That something, specifically, a decent start.
Dallas Keuchel – Could return next weekend after throwing a solid rehab start in the Quad Cities. Fun fact! Quad Cities has an international airport. It only handles domestic flights but has departures to New York, which is considered international, because it’s filled with foreigners, “like Italians.”
