The Cardinals called up their top hitting prospect, Stephen Piscotty, who has a great eye, and could hit .320 with 20+ homers and 15+ steals in his prime. What will he do this year though? Piscotty Doesn’t Know! Piscotty Doesn’t Know! Piscotty Doesn’t Know! He could play 1st base for the suddenly old-looking and decrepit Mini Donkey. Piscotty Doesn’t Know! Piscotty Doesn’t Know! Piscotty Doesn’t Know! Piscotty could play some outfield, but where? Piscotty Doesn’t Know! Piscotty Doesn’t Know! Piscotty Doesn’t Know! I’m wondering something else. The Cardinals make a mountain out of molehill prospects, always. A prospect no one cares about comes up and the Cardinals make them look terrific. So, will Piscotty come up and be the opposite? Like the Law of Inverse Properties, which is in no way related to the douchey guy on HGTV that hosts Income Property. Piscotty Doesn’t Know! Piscotty Doesn’t Know! Piscotty Doesn’t Know! I’d grab Piscotty in all leagues since he’s essentially Matt Holliday right before he entered his prime, but I’m guessing Piscotty won’t play enough to be a factor this year in shallower than 15-team mixed leagues. He could though. Grey doesn’t know! Grey doesn’t know! Grey doesn’t know! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Eduardo Rodriguez – 1 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA up to 4.64. Excuse me, man with an eye patch, I’m just gonna leave my Dr. Pepper on the bar while I go to the bathroom, would you watch it? *five hours later* Hey, that looks like me laying on that hotel room operating table. Wait a second, why am a ghost floating over my body? AH!!! ROOFIE!!!
Blake Swihart – 0-for-2, 1 run as he was activated from the DL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “He’s a Red Sox player, i.e., ergo, vis-a-vis, he’s awesome!”
Kole Calhoun – 2-for-6, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his third homer in the last three games. It only took about 62% of the season, but it looks like someone has finally gotten hot. (I could’ve said half a season, but rounding is for carpenters.)
Albert Pujols – 4-for-7, 5 runs, 4 RBIs and three homers in the doubleheader, his 27th homer, 28th and 29th. Angels fan and famous ancestor, William Shakespeare Jr. Jr. Jr. the 27th said, “A Pujols by any other name would still smell just as sweet.”
David Freese – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer. I feel like that’s the first batty call of mine that’s worked out. And it still feels awesome!
Andrew Heaney – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.57. Yes, you should own him. Yes, you as in you.
Hector Santiago – 5 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 10 Ks. I’m not sure what’s goofier. The fact that Santiago has a 2.30 ERA on the YEAR (caps for emphasis, not aesthetics) and he was available to stream in my league or the fact that I was scared to stream him.
Justin Upton – Sat out yesterday with a tight oblique. Playing for the Padres this year is like the movie The Monuments Men. George Clooney, John Goodman, Matt Damon, Bill Murray and Cate Blanchett, and somehow it’s still awful.
Matt Kemp – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. Only 40 more homers and 42 more steals for the 50/50 season.
Nori Aoki – Yesterday, it was announced his fibula was at 80% healed, and today it’s announced he’s ready for a rehab assignment and could return on Friday. I told you the fibula is a good for nothing liar!
Tim Lincecum – Diagnosed with a degenerative hip condition. Dude is like Benjamin Button but aging forwards. Wait, that’s everyone. Let’s try that again. It’s like God is pressing down a fast forward button on his aging.
Yasmani Grandal – Pinch-hit yesterday (1-for-1) and the Dodgers said he will return on Wednesday after getting his jaw rattled on Sunday. If you’re wondering how big was the baby that rattled his jaw, you’re smoking way too much weed.
Carl Crawford – Will be activated today from the DL. Just what Mattingly needs, options.
Adrian Gonzalez – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer, and his sixth homer in the last eleven games. Looks like someone found their home run stroke again. I doubt he gets to 30 homers on the year, but I didn’t think he’d get to 25, so A-Gon’s picked up a second job, which is to make me look dumb.
Justin Turner – 4-for-4, hitting .323, and had three hits on Saturday. Hot schmotato alert!
Freddie Freeman – Could start a rehab soon after being diagnosed with fluid in his wrist. Poke a hole in there, stick in a straw, suck out said fluid and get on the field!
Nick Markakis – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Sparkakis!
Matthew Wisler – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.60. I’m currently rocking him in one 15-team league because I found myself 100 innings behind the pace. I blame the friggin’ white background! Does Yahoo have a beach blanket the color of sand? Do Yahoo employees have cars painted the color of the road? “One-niner, one-niner, I’m trying to land the plane on runway three. What’s that? The runway is painted the color of the sky?” Why is it white?!
Jace Peterson – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs. He went ice cold there for a minute. What’s cooler than cool? Jace went ice cold! But worth cyclops’ing to see if he’s picking it up again.
Jarrod Dyson – 1-for-3 and two steals (13, 14). I preach not drafting a bench bat, but — Earth to your mom’s basement! — it’s July, you can carry a bench bat if it can help you. Dyson is the perfect bench bat. You just play him when he starts and chances are if he’s starting, he’s going to steal a base.
Yordano Ventura – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 5.19. What does Ventura and the shrimp I just ate have in common? They were both battered. On the fo’reallies, Ventura should not be owned anywhere, and will likely be headed to the Disgraceful List any day now.
Alcides Escobar – 2-for-5, 1 run and his 7th steal, hitting .296. I don’t want to jinx anything, but it feels like he remembered during the All-Star break that he has 40-steal speed.
Mike Moustakas – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. Moistasskiss!
Kendrys Morales – 1-for-5 and his 12th homer. It’s been about four years since he informed everyone that his name is Kendrys not Kendry. How long do we have to wait to find out it’s also really Kendries?
Jordy Mercer – Will miss at least six weeks with an MCL sprain. Appropriate since he was taken out with a slide by Gomez straight out of the middle ages.
Starling Marte – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 18th steal. Probably because I own him all over the place, but I’ve seriously fell in love with Marte this year. I wonder if minds if I send him an Edible Arrangement of my manties.
A.J. Burnett – 6 IP, 6 ER, 12 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA up to 2.44. The Regression Fairies have Alexander McQueen-inspired Lady Gaga underoos, they call their guy friends “sister,” and they will defecate on your pitching ratios.
Travis Ishikawa – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer as he started at 1st base, Sean Rodriguez played 3rd (0-for-5, 1 run) and Pedro Alvarez DH’d (2-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs). I’m guessing Ishikawa will stay at 1st when the Pirates return to an NL park and Pedro will move to 3rd. Stay tuned. Or not. Your choice.
Tony Cingrani – Will start on Wednesday and I would add him in all leagues. Yes, even that league where it’s you vs. eleven of your email aliases. Cingrani is capable of a 9+ K/9 and being a number two fantasy starter. If you’re wondering why the Reds didn’t have him in their rotation the whole year if Cingrani’s so good, I point to exhibit A, which is a baseball GM picking his nose.
Jay Bruce – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. You know someone who is capable of a 15-homer half? Well, it’s Bruce, obviously, why else would I be pregunta’ing that in his blurb?
Marlon Byrd – 1-for-4 and his 16th homer. Fun fact! Whenever Dave Winfield enters a bar, he affixes a Byrd baseball card to the dart board.
Todd Frazier – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 26th homer. C’mon, man, save it for next year’s Home Run Derby!
Matt Garza – Will return from the DL on Tuesday. Hey, that’s today! What’s the chances?
Matt Moore – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER. From someone who has owned Moore, uh, more than I’d like to admit, let me say that he actually doesn’t look that far off from pretty much where I’d expect if he were fully healthy. Maybe 6 IP, 4 ER on the norm, but not far back from this cliff. Cheers!
Chad Billingsley – Hit the DL, which is whatever since Barbara Billingsley is likely owned in more leagues.
Cesar Hernandez – 2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs. If he would’ve went 0-for-4 again yesterday, after going 1-for-the-last week, I was going to tell people to start making other plans. And not just to give God a chuckle.
Troy Tulowitzki – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. Only twelve more and we can see other ‘perts rank him in the first round again next year.
Adrian Beltre – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs. Said that his thumb is still an issue and isn’t sure if he’ll play through it or hit the DL. Lowercase yay! Great news in opposite world where black and white movies are white and black and pizza has the cheese on the bottom. *jots down idea in case I’m ever in an elevator with Pizza Hut CEO* I said to buy Beltre the other day, I take that back completely and wouldn’t go near him now. Sorry if you got on the Beltre train in the last five days. Mea culpa.
Robinson Cano – 2-for-4 and his 9th homer. If you can still buy him low from the guy who suffered through three miserable months of Cano, I’d be impressed.
Mike Zunino – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs, hitting .163. I actually own this schmohawk on a few teams and let me go off of memory and say this is the first time all year he had more than one hit. At least when you sort by average and alphabetical by last name, the Excel spreadsheet doesn’t need to work so hard.
Austin Jackson – 2-for-4, 1 run and two steals (9, 10) as he bats sixth. Why sixth? Cut to: McClendon holding a lineup card, trying to figure out what side of the pen to use.
J.A. Happ – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.12 vs Alfredo Simon 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.63. There were a ton of these streamer garbage matchups yesterday, huh? Not to answer, but to ruminate.
Ian Kinsler – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and two homers. You know what Kinsler’s doing? He’s giving people ammunition for next year when I rank him really low. “Buh-buh-buh-but Grey, have you seen Kinsler’s 2nd half from last year? He’s gotta be better than where you’ve ranked him,” as you try to fish that broken Dorito chip out from between your Shift and Return keys.
Michael Cuddyer – Sat out yesterday with knee soreness and was given oral anti-inflammatories. At least I hope they were meant to be taken orally.
Matt Harvey – 7 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA up to 3.19. When pitchers first return from Tommy John surgery, their control usually isn’t there. When they first! First, Harvey, first. I got five Monopoly dollars that says something is wrong with his mechanics. I have another five fake dollars that says it’ll take the Mets two more weeks to figure this out. Hopefully (if you own him), the Mets figure it out before his wonky mechanics cause him to re-injure himself.
Gio Gonzalez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 KS, ERA at 3.93. His perifs look like he’s settled into being a 3.50-4.00 ERA fourth to fifth fantasy starter that has no upside. I.e., what does the Stream-o-Nator say on him?
Danny Espinosa – 2-for-4, 2 runs. A butterfly in Indonesia flaps its wings and makes a middle infielder I’ve recently dropped get multiple hits.
Ian Desmond – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. A broken clock is right more than Desmond.
Jayson Werth – Rehabbing his wrist in Triple-A and could return in the next week. That puts his next injury at about two weeks away.
Stephen Strasburg – In the next few days he should start mound work. While he’s pushing dirt and shizz around, maybe he can come here and tend to Cougar’s plants. It’s the least he can do for me drafting him in the 4th round.
Rubby de la Rosa – 7 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners (5 BBs), 1 K. Alex, can I have Rubby for $200? “The answer is ‘Grey benched him.'” “Um, um, um, oh, I know… Why did he pitch well?” “We can accept that. We also could’ve accepted, ‘Why do you hate him?'”
Derek Dietrich – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer. Sadly, he’s not playing every day. Well, sadly for him and the guy in the NL-Only league who drafted Rendon and is covering with Dietrich. Hey, wait a second, that’s me!
Giancarlo Stanton – Will be taking dry swings. Not if I’m nearby!
