I remember distinctly the day Will Clark retired. I just got home from a Winter Solstice Pageant. I was only 12 years old at the time, but my mustache was already coming in. Earlier that night, when I was singing in the pageant, a mother yelled out from the audience, “Who’s the midget with the mustache?” Then another parent yelled out, “Or is it a dwarf? I always get confused.” Another yelled, “Is that kid 40 years old? I don’t know if I want my kid around that adult.” I didn’t think my day could get worse, then, back at home, I heard that Clark retired. I was still in my autumn leaf costume, sobbing into my Pop Rocks, essentially ruining them. A devastating day all around, but things got better eventually. Soon my friends’ parents wouldn’t call the cops when I was hanging out with their kid, thinking I was a 40-something pervert. One mother even complimented me on my mustache. Maybe this was where my love of Cougars first started. What does this have to do with Pete Alonso? Nothing at all. Just like his Spring Training means nothing. Yes, he mollywhopped the ball to parts of the field this spring with a bat that can only be discussed in terms from British literature that no one has ever read. “Pete Alonso’s bat is so fast I will call him Mr. Dashwood.” *blank stares* “Um, yeah.” He has 80 grade power — Mr. Darcy, you aloof bedswerver! I’m buying all them shares of Alonso and I talk about him in today’s first Buy video at that top of the post. Can Colin Firth play him in the movie? Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Willians Astudillo – I’m preparing to recommend you pick up Astudillo every week for the next three months until he makes some movement. *shudders* I just thought of Astudillo making a movement. That’s going to leave a mark on my psyche. Let’s go, technology featured in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind!
Ryan McMahon – Not a huge fan of McMahon, but that doesn’t mean I won’t own him for the time being while he’s racking up random eh-bees at two-bee (not confusing at all).
Ryon Healy – Truth bomb alert! I almost wrote a Healy sleeper post last December — that would’ve went over about as well as my Carlos Martinez sleeper — but I stopped myself (thankfully) because Healy didn’t have a starting job. Guess what, you mother’s basement dwellers! With Seager’s injury, Healy has the starting job, and he can be as good as Seager was supposed to be (which is debatably good).
Niko Goodrum – I keep yelling for you to pick Goodrum. Could be worse, I could be yelling whether or not Archduke Franz Ferdindad deserved to be assassinated or about the benefits of hiring a qualified tax preparer.
Jeff McNeil – I just want two things from the Mets, Alonso and McNeil. That’s it. You can keep everything else. I’ll even accept Syndergaard has a huge year, even though that will make me look bad since I haven’t trusted him all preseason. C’mon, Mets, you can Mets all over the place, just don’t Mets up McNeil and Alonso. Don’t Mets them up!
Joey Wendle – Good enough time as any to point out to get in the Buy section you have to be owned in less than 50% of ESPN leagues and to get in the Sell section, you have to be owned in more than 50% of leagues. I bring that up now because why on this earth that Al Gore refuses to release methane gas into isn’t Wendle owned in more leagues? He hit .300 last year in 139 games!
Chad Pinder – Stands to benefit from the Olson injury. Well, him and the rat that pulled Olson’s hamate bone out of the trash and carried it down the stairs in a Japanese subway terminal. Hamate Rat is a huge viral hit in Japan!
Brandon Lowe – He had almost as big a spring as Buxton, so Lowe is almost definitely going to be awful in-season. But if somehow the Curse of the Buxton Comparison doesn’t hobble him, he could be a 17/7/.240 hitter who platoons.
Tim Beckham – I’m a bigger fan of Beckham than most. I believe the 22-homer power he showed in 2017, and remember he was a 1st overall pick. I’m obviously aware the software has some bugs, but Ladybugs was a girl’s soccer film and so was Bend It Like Beckham, so I mean that must mean something.
Jung Ho Kang – What’s to love about Kang? Could have 20+ pop and be totally free off waivers. What’s less desirable? After a late-night movie of Woobl-E, he dines at DUIHOP talking about how he much prefers the flick Blackout Panther to There Will Be Bud. Would be fun though if Kang makes the All-Star Game and on the other side of the diamond is Goodrum. Talk about distractions!
Garrett Hampson – He goes hand-in-hand with Ryan McMahon — call him, Gyan McAmpson, which is the most Irish name since Seamus McShamrock. I’m hoping Hampson gets the majority of at-bats, and I think, even if he doesn’t, there’s a real chance he could be worth owning for steals.
Chris Paddack – I’m sure the Stream-o-Nator likes Paddack, but this isn’t about that. This is about Paddack being a legit breakout candidate. Do I really have to twist your arm to pick up a potential breakout in Petco?
Matt Strahm – Samesies as Paddack. Strahm! Let the boys be boys!
Kyle Gibson – I’m afraid to say something like, “Why is Gibson not owned?” Because then he’ll go out and get rocked and people will be like, “That’s why, you handsome idiot!” Okay, Gibson might not be good from game to game (or maybe he will be), but he’s the kind of guy who should just be owned.
Hunter Strickland – ESPN owners are a bit like the patients in Awakenings. *snaps fingers in front of face* Strickland is the M’s closer. *patient stares without blinking* Hmm, not sure what to do.
Trevor May – “Who is the Twins’ closer?” That’s a great question, Voice Inside My Head. Thinking Blake Parker is going to end up with more saves, but May is the better pitcher, and Taylor Rogers got the save yesterday. Mother, may I hedge May? Honestly, I have no clue who the Twins’ closer is, but Parker, Rogers and May are ownable for now.
Alex Colome – He had 37 and 47 saves in 2016 and 2017, and has a 3.12 career ERA. Is it too late for me to get in one of these leagues where Colome is available?
Greg Holland – Wanna Dutch oven your team’s ratios? I’ve got just the man for you!
Paul Goldschmidt – Was thinking about how I didn’t draft Au Shizz this year and how I never even felt compelled at any point. That got me thinking — I think, y’all (sometimes)! So, I went to our Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer to see what I could trade realistically for Goldschmidt and come out way ahead. So I entered Goldshizz on one side and Eloy Jimenez and Josh Hader on the other side. That trade is a slam dunk for the Eloy side. Goldy or Eloy alone might be a toss up about a month into the season. I have concerns about Goldschmidt’s new stadium, his age and his terrible first couple of months last year. I’m not saying trade Goldschmidt for front row tickets to a beatboxing competition where slickers are not allowed, but I would explore options.