Fernando Tatis Jr. made the team. Did not see that one coming. Don’t own him anywhere. To which you now say, “Tough Tatis.” Wow. I’m stunned. Good for the Padres! This is not good for the Luis Urias, who I’ve lowered in my top 20 2nd basemen. Possibly bad news for Ian Kinsler too, but owning Ian Kinsler in fantasy was bad news for you anyway. Here’s what I said earlier in the preseason on Tatis, “Fernando Tatis Jr. was born in 1999. Recently, it was announced Acuña was so young he didn’t know who Mickey Mantle was, well, Tatis Jr. is so young he doesn’t know who Mike Trout is. Dude was born like a minute ago, and not a minute as it’s defined in Urban Dictionary, which is a long time, but an actual minute. Fernando Tatis Jr.’s dad is so young he didn’t even use charcoal as his medium; he used MS Paint. Tatis Jr. looks like an All Star ready to happen, until the 75th round draft pick, Albert Pujols Jr., comes along and replaces him. Jokes aside, Tatis looks damn near perfect. A lanky Machado maybe, a young Hanley possibly. Like something Ryan Brasier would cover, Tatis looks real and spectacular. I’d say the difference him and his pops is the difference between Ken Griffey Jr. and Sr., but Ken Sr. wasn’t that bad. How about this, the difference between Tatises (Tatii?) is the difference between J.D. Martinez and J.D. Martinez Sr. Was there a J.D. Martinez Sr.? No idea, but that’s the point. FTJ is going to be special. Now Fun the Jewels fast! Now Fun the Jewels fast! Now Fun the Jewels fast!” And that’s me quoting me! I love him, guys and five girl readers, and you need to own him in all leagues. Immediately. He has some swing-and-miss tendencies, due to his age, so I conservatively projected him up to around 18/18/.250, but, honestly, he could be so much more. He was also moved up my top 20 shortstops, if you’re into that sorta thing. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for fantasy baseball:
Eloy Jimenez – Will start the year in the majors. What a time to be alive. Baseball fixed itself in the matter of three days. Thank you, Baseball Gods. You are most benevolent, like a charity giving dogs to doctors called Doctors Without Border Collies. I bumped Eloy’s projections and moved him up in my top 100, top 500 and top 40 outfielders.
— Razzball (@Razzball) March 25, 2019
Justin Upton – Will open season on the IL due to turf toe, which is also what my Chia Pet Bernie Sanders has. I didn’t change Upton’s projections, but he’s likely to miss about 10-14 days.
Nick Senzel – In a walking boot, due to unpaid parking tickets. I haven’t adjusted Senzel’s playing time in my rankings; he could still be up May/June.
Enrique Hernandez – Won the Dodgers’ 2nd base job. I adjusted him and Chris Taylor in my top 20 1st basemen, top 20 2nd basemen, top 20–You get the point, they’re eligible everywhere. I bought Hernandez for $8 in Tout Wars, while Taylor went for $15. A’la Drake, “Kiké, do you love me?”
Steven Souza – Has a torn ACL, LCL, PCL and won’t be back in the MMXIX.
Dan Straily – Released by the Marlins. Why does it feel like it took Jeter a year to realize he could make any moves he wanted? Bully for finally figuring it out, I suppose. By the by, end a sentence with “I suppose” when you really want to nail home how confident you are. I added Caleb Smith, Pablo Lopez and Trevor Richards into the top 100 starters. I realize it was a bit late in the game to be doing that, so I’m going to be refunding everyone the zero dollars they spent on my rankings. Grand apologies!
Spencer Turnbull – Made the Tigers rotation, which is either a positive on Turnbull or a negative on the Tigers rotation, depending on whether or not you’re Spencer Turnbull. After he pitches, it might be a negative for him too. This feels like news that was blown out of proportion because there were no real games going on. If this were May (month, not Trevor) and Turnbull was promoted to the rotation, you’d see his stats and never give him another thought. Because he had a nice spring, he’s on watchlists. The Prospect-o-Nator, that projects every rookie, hates him. I don’t disagree.
Brian Goodwin – Released by the Royals as Terrance Gore made the team. Can’t wait for the Royals to bring on Terrance Gore to pinch-run for Billy Hamilton. Like the speed equivalent to Crocodile Dundee’s “that’s not a knife” gambit.
Carlos Martinez – Hit the IL with a rotator cuff strain. Since his arm was in a sling all spring, this doesn’t come as a huge surprise. For everyone out there that thought he was in a sling because he was the Queen of the Spring Sling Ball, sorry to disappoint you. Be a bigger surprise if he throws more than 60 IP this year. I kinda feel like I should just remove him from my rankings, but bleh.
Austin Wynns – Hit the IL with an oblique strain. Hashtag Wynns’ing!
Mark Trumbo – Will miss the first two months of the season with a knee injury. It was a bad week for knees for guys with last names that sound like they’re at band camp. He was updated in the top 100 outfielders.
Alex Cobb – Hit the IL with a small groin…. *pauses for effect, waits ten minutes, then* ….injury.