I was able to pick up Pedro Alvarez (2-for-4, 19th homer) for the batty call yesterday, which is kinda silly since he has four homers in the last week, and now I don’t see how I can drop him. Wouldn’t be the first time a batty call turned into living with each other for a few years, until the fighting becomes too much for each us. But we’re not brave enough to leave, so we bitterly sleep with our backs to each other, and when Pedro falls asleep before me, I pull out my iPad, lower the volume so he can’t hear the sites I’m visiting and I excite my “Josh Reddick” until my “Marcus Semien” arrives and I cry myself to sleep. Or something along those lines! *giggles awkwardly, coughs, clears throat* So, yes, that’s a vote for Pedro (just don’t get married to him). Seriously, he’s hitting .252 with 19 homers, how is he only owned in 50% of leagues? Not to answer, but to judge others. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Gerrit Cole – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.61. He was one run away from a Quality Start and one third of an inning away from seven innings and I’m totally fishing for nice things to say, and it’s about as easy as fishing in the Arthur Kill. Bad time for Archer and Cole to decide to let my third and fourth fantasy starters carry the team, since I don’t really have 3rd and 4th fantasy starters. Cole’s August ERA is 4.70 and, since I own him, I’m hoping the pressure of helping me win a fantasy league turns Cole into a diamond.
Jeremy Hellickson – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.60. You have bigger trouser oranges than me if you started Hellickson in this start, and the Stream-o-Nator doesn’t like his next one and I agree.
Jake Lamb – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer. I opened his player page expecting to be bowed over by his stats like a housewife with Fifty Shades of Me, but he hasn’t done much lately, so I’d just cyclops him for now.
Drew Hutchison – Sent to the minors to preserve his innings. He should’ve been sent to the minors every time he had a scheduled road start. Nahmean, jellybean?
Lonnie Chisenhall – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting near-.400 in the last week. Chisenhall is crushing your head and your hot schmotato.
Michael Brantley – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 13th steal. “Heavenly being in flowing toga, I want world peace for everyone on this planet, and, because I don’t want to appear too selfless and make people feel insecure with my selflessness, I also want all my hitters to get a chance to face Red Sox pitching. I’d accept either in any order. And if you can’t do the world peace thing, no sweat. It’s a big ask.”
Danny Salazar – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks in Fenway, ERA down to 3.16. The Red Sox just aren’t what they were and starting a pitcher in Fenway doesn’t scare me for the first time since I can remember. Have I mentioned that before? I have a tattoo that says to mention it.
Carlos Santana – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 13th homer. I wouldn’t be surprised to see him homer again today and maybe even on Wednesday. Come here and sit on my lap and I’ll explain. Figuratively! Get off my lap! The reason why Santana is about to have a good week: Red Sox pitchers.
Dustin Pedroia – Took live batting practice on Monday. None of that zombie batting practice bullcrap for Pedroia!
Travis Shaw – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer in, like, 4 at-bats (if you throw out the other 50 some odd at-bats. Don’t get all semantical with me, guys, five girl readers and one centaur reader). Shaw had four homers in two games (over the course of a month) to go along with yesterday’s. He only had 5 homers in 77 games in Triple-A, so he’s not known for big power and he’ll sit against some tougher lefties, but he’s worth a flyer for some upside to see if he can generate some Maas appeal.
Nori Aoki – Should be activated by Thursday. Nori said he’s ready to roll, which is also the name of my neighborhood sushi restaurant.
Chris Heston – 4 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners (5 BBs), 4 Ks. I own Heston in one deep league and I don’t even consider starting him in road games (4.50+ ERA) nor do I hesitate to start him at home (2.48 ERA), i.e., Heston looked bad yesterday, but the grass is always Soylent Green’er at home.
Randal Grichuk – Hit the DL with a ligament strain in his elbow. The Cardinals are investigating to make sure he didn’t hurt it rooting for the Braves while tomahawking. This is lousy news for Grichuk since it could knock him out for the year. I was just starting to really appreciate him and now he’s gone. I need a figurine from Things Remembered to get me through this trying time. The Cards are saying he could be back in 15-20 days, which is two to three weeks for those too cheap to buy a calendar, but I have my doubts whether he’ll be back that fast.
Jason Heyward – Left yesterday’s game with hamstring tightness. Suddenly, the Cardinals depth chart is like re-upping your contract on Game of Thrones. Watch out before they take Piscotty (2-for-4, 1 run). Where are they taking him? Piscotty doesn’t know!
Thomas Pham – 0-for-3. Should see starts with Grichuk out, and maybe Bourjos too. No relation to Par Djoos, the bruiser from ’94 Sega Hockey, but he does make me want to punch something.
Matt Holliday – Could start running this week. His parents better ready their cameras for the magic moment.
Yadier Molina – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer. For whatever reason people seem to confuse defense and offense, even though it’s pretty obvious the differences, and because of that, I bet someone still drafts Yadier way before they should next year. Happens every year. Like the solstice.
Carlos Rodon – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.42. He does have two exceptional starts in a row, and after his last one, I gave you a Carlos Rodon fantasy. It was originally written on the neck of a giraffe. Yes, I would own him. Yes, now.
Andrew Heaney – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.43. Kinda crazy how good his command has been (1.43 BB/9 thru ten starts), but he’s also been very lucky with men left on base and BABIP. I’d stream him if the Stream-o-Nator liked it, but I don’t have a ton of confidence in him right now.
C.J. Cron – 2-for-3 and his 9th homer in just 217 ABs. This was his 2nd game in a row with a home run. Imagine what his season would’ve been if he didn’t get yanked around by The Sciosciapath. Well, it’s easy to know, just look at Napoli’s 1st season after he was traded from the Angels.
David Wright – Won’t return this week. In other news, water is wet, taco diarrhea burns and Donald Trump’s hair is spun sugar.
Erasmo Ramirez – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.57. Erasmo autocorrects to Satchmo, which was Louis Armstrong’s nickname, and Erasmo has a strong arm and usually has me singing the blues. Coincidence? Doubtful.
Scott Kazmir – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 2.43. The Rays were just too much for him. Which Rays you ask? Um…Well. That gives me a good idea for an MLB channel segment. They can go around Tampa and ask people to name the Rays lineup. It could be like Name That Tune where they say I can guess four Rays and then their opponent needs to top it or challenges the first person to name the four. Someone make this happen!
Evan Gattis – 2-for-3 and his 18th homer, hitting .236. This was his 2nd multiple hit game in August (August 1st was other one). It was a good day when I didn’t have to use my AK, but my Gattis getting rusty and it’s not a good thing.
Evan Longoria – 3-for-5, 2 runs. Yeah, yeah, we can all name him. Name another one, Tampa resident!
Asdrubal Cabrera – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs. I told you he was hot about two weeks ago. He’s now reached the level of the hottest schmotato in the land. As-grab-al him!
Bryan Mitchell – Was hit by a line drive off the bat of Eduardo Nunez and will be monitored for a concussion. Right now, he’s dealing with a nasal fracture. And that’s the Mitchell report that Bonds was hoping for.
Mark Teixeira – Left yesterday’s game after fouling a ball off his leg. It just missed his cane.
Carlos Beltran – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. Now has five homers in the last 11 games. The Zombino rises! Run! Hot schmotato alert!
Brian McCann – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 21st homer. Don’t you want to call him Brian 1200ann? No? Huh.
Trevor Plouffe – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer. Plouffe goes the dynamite! I don’t want to say I told you when he hits one homer, like he did on Sunday, he tends to hit another one, but I did say that, so shoot me. Not you, Dick Cheney!
Miguel Sano – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. The informal Sano vs. Cano poll yesterday came back pretty much roundly in Sano’s favor. I don’t disagree. Here’s another one for you, Sano or Schwarber? Apologies that they don’t rhyme.
Aaron Hicks – 1-for-6 and his 8th homer. He should’ve been picked up weeks ago, and shouldn’t have been dropped yet. Don’t give me that Simon didn’t say so shizz.
Cameron Maybin – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 10th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!
Matt Kemp – 2-for-3 and his 14th homer. Only 36 homers in the final six weeks and he’ll be as good as he thinks he is.
Yonder Alonso – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 5th homer. Damn, pulling away from Bumgarner and Bogaerts.
Taijuan Walker – 6 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.60. I mentioned earlier how awful Heston is on the road, but how I own him and start him at home. I bring this up now, because you can’t do that with Taijuan, which makes him just difficult to own. Where do you start him? He’s not terrific home or away. Don’t worry, I’ll be all over Taijuan again next year like an 18-year-old looking for a farmacia that sells valium.
Adrian Beltre – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs. Only took him five months but it seems like he’s finally fogging up the mirror under his nose.
Giancarlo Stanton – Took batting practice, which likely puts him about ten to fourteen days away from returning (totally guessing, but it’s hard to hear any insider info when you’re being made to stay 500 feet away).
Derek Dietrich – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. I actually own Dietrich in three leagues, and I will now go cry into my Fage yogurt, and pretend to be crying because my spoon doesn’t fit into the fruit section.
Justin Bour – 2-for-5, 1 run, has hit in five straight games, and is hitting near-.350 in the last week with a home run and I can’t generate any real excitement for him. This Justin Bouring.
Matt Wieters – Expects to return on Tuesday. Whew! Where else were you going to get an 0-for-4 with a run?
Steve Clevenger – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st home run, and had a four-hit game on Sunday, but he’ll likely get his playing time squeezed without Mr. Whipple looking out for him.
Danny Valencia – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer. I told you to grab him last week when he had three homers in five games, and now it looks like he’s taking his hot schmotato into the next week. Ya know, Valencia is Awesometown; act like you know, MC Lyte! I was just goofing with those links, I just wanted to see what this site would be like if I linked to every reference I made. I don’t believe in linking out to explain shizz. You either get the references or you don’t. Hand holding is for a Sadie Hawkins dance.
Sonny Gray – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, (3 unearned runs for the small box scare), 5 Ks, ERA at 2.04. You know you’re having a special year when you finally give up runs and they’re unearned. Because I don’t own Gray anywhere, I’m happy for him, but I kinda want to see him fail. I wonder if this is what it’s like for divorced fathers when their kids are being helped with their homework by their stepfather. “Did you fail your math test after you studied all night with mom’s boyfriend, Jim? That’s a real shame.” Pinches self to avoid smiling.