Pablo Peak Cause O’s

Not picking on the O’s, but if they’re gonna keep rolling over, I’m gonna keep riding the Zamboni. Orioles have scored 130 runs on the year; the White Sux scored 127. Don’t give the White Sux a run for their money with being lousy. That should go without saying. Yesterday, Pablo Lopez got his chance at the Uh-O’s, as he went 5 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.18, as continues to have a magnificent season. But not on any of my teams. Pab-Lo was an AVOID by me, capped to own it, while not owning him. It’s an L, but if you were in last year, you know how painful that was. How strong do you think I am? Do you think I have the memory of a goldfish? I wasn’t getting back in on him. Was not happening. You know Rerun on What’s Happening? Well, this was No Rerun on Ain’t Happening Again. The fun stuff will be when I get back in next year and he’s God awful again. Just putrid. Stinky like a bag of feces in a car’s glove compartment parked on the surface of sun. Such is life of the Saberhagenmetrician. Always one year too early or late, and never right on time. Just wait until I’m out on Gunnar Henderson next year. He’s going to hit .400 with 50 HRs. I’m cackling already and 72bys1`1w–Sorry, I’m typing while wearing a straitjacket, as well. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Carlos Correa – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. If he out-homers Gunnar, I might commit hari-kari, and I don’t even know what hari-kari is.

Byron Buxton – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .267. Actually, I roster Buxton for the first time in his career, so this is a needless jinx, but isn’t he due for an IL stint?

Cade Povich – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.55. Good news for Orioles fans is they don’t need to stress about who the team will be using in a playoff rotation.

Yandy Diaz – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Did anyone see this homer? Was wondering if he was standing on his head when he swung, so it would be an uppercut. Oh, I see, he left the game with a hurt hip, so he swung while on his head and fell over and hurt his hip? That tracks.

Drew Rasmussen – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.09. He has a sub-3 ERA in 345 1/3 career innings. That’s me saying, c’mon, do you really want to drop that?

Nick Castellanos – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer. The Greek God of Hard Contact hit that homer for the electrolysis office his mother goes to.

Alec Bohm – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. “Hey, help me with these concrete shoes for him because that sign says no dumping—Hold up! He moved! Bohm’s alive!”

Kyle Schwarber – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (12) and legs (3). A Schwarbomb and a Bohm Bomb in one game? It’s the return of Bohmbie/Oppenhomer.

Chris Sale – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.07. Hey, one love, he’s good, but did the Reds suddenly go back to the team that started the season oh-for-12,500 and went scoreless for 79 innings?

Andrew Abbott – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.25. He was a top prospect at one point. He now has a 11.6 K/9, and a 3.72 ERA in 271 career innings, i.e., is he a streamer? No, not at all. Hasn’t been, won’t be. This matchup was tough and he aced it; word choice on purpose.

Nolan Jones – 2-for-7, 2 runs and a slam (2) and legs (3), hitting .167. You watch Jones and you’re thinking how is this guy in the majors, he looks about as awful as can be. Yet, he’s homering and Gunnar Henderson is doing doodies.

Luis L. Ortiz – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.30. Ladies Love Ortiz and the ladies apparently love mediocre pitchers.

Ben Lively – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.46. We can confirm the L. in Luis L. Ortiz does not stand for Lively.

Carlos Santana – 4-for-9, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. Oye como yay!

Jake Irvin – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 0 Ks, ERA at 3.94. Not chasing Ks but zero Ks is such a lip raspberry. Streamonator call, I suppose.

James Wood – 2-for-8, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. That home run left the bat at 115 MPH and was ticketed in a 55. Ouch.

Jackson Merrill – 2-for-4, 1 run as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “All these years I thought the word was nosense. It’s nonsense? That makes nosense–uh, nonsense.”

Michael King – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.22. This guy never stops being nails, just like the Padres’ pen–HOLY CRAP. Wow. Morejon and Peralta gave up 10 runs in one inning?! Holy crap! Wait, I said that already, but holy crap again! Man, I sure am glad I don’t have them, but I instead have the Cubs closer.

Carlos Carrasco – Designated for assignment. The “you don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here” of team moves.

Aaron Judge – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 12th homer. This guy’s pretty good, have you heard of him?

Austin Wells – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and a slam (7) and legs (1). Elias Sports Bureau said, “He is the first Yankees player with the last name Wells who has run anywhere ever.”

Clarke Schmidt – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.79. His numbers look fairly awful, but it’s still early, and hopefully he can figure out his command, because that’s been very bad (4.4 BB/9).

Anthony Santander – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer. He homered, so I guess it worked, but hitting a .180 guy in the three-hole has Billy Martin rolling around in his grave, picking a fight with the Ghost of George Steinbrenner.

George Springer – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .316. Speaking of a dead Steinbrenner and Billy, could Springer be feasting on pitchers’ brain custard and having himself a Zombino season?

Tyler Anderson – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.68. Tyler Anderson out here outperforming Framber Valdez, and won’t someone please push me into traffic?

Taylor Ward – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .188. Buy!

Yoan Moncada – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. The person who commented on January 23rd, saying they thought Moncada could have a comeback season, enjoy the moment!

Jo Adell – 1-for-2 and his 3rd homer, hitting .183. The person who commented on February 3rd of 2019, saying they thought this was Jo Adell’s year, I hope it was a keeper!

Leody Taveras – Claimed off waivers by the M’s. Someone needs to step in and stop the M’s from themselves when it comes with cheap players who are just slightly better than awful.

Julio Rodriguez – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 6th homer. Haha, very funny. Who hacked the M’s box score and put JRod down for a homer? C’mon, which one of you knuckleheads did it? I wouldn’t have picked up on it at first, but you got greedy and gave him three hits.

Tyler Ferguson – 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 2.00, and the blown save, and I don’t know why he’d be more available for the save than Mason Miller. They’ve both pitched a lot recently. If anything Turd Ferguson’s pitched more recently, but when I search Twitter for anything, all I find is Jesse Tyler Ferguson from Modern Family. My guess is Miller’s pitch count was high on Monday.

David Peterson – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.52. I like Peterson more than most, but this was an awful matchup, Streamonator hated it and he was an easy bench.

Zac Gallen – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners (3 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 4.37. Seemingly fixed his sideways season with the last two starts. OR DID HE?! Damn, Mr. Reversal! You scared me. Gallen doesn’t look right still. His command is worse than it’s ever been and his Ks are not good enough to make up for it, but he can keep going in the right direction, and correct his season still.

Lourdes Gurriel Jr. – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .219. Not sure how Lou-Gu-Ju does it, but he’ll manage to be worth while for 12-team mixed leagues by season end.

Paul Skenes – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.77 as he was out-pitched by. Dot dot dot.

Matthew Liberatore – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.07. Liberatore has such a minuscule walk rate, that he can’t go wrong. That is my money back guarantee*! *Money Back Guarantee does not apply if you ever gave me money, and only applies to people who have never given money. This is more of a gesture.

Hayden Wesneski – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.50. Meh, but also it was a tough matchup. His peripherals still look solid, but if you want to bail, I’m no bail bondsman.

Chad Patrick – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.08. Instructive that he actually faced Wesneski, because Patrick looks like he should have that 4.50 ERA and Wesneski should have Patrick’s 3.08.

Seth Lugo – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.84. Seth Lugo is a top ten starter if he gets wins, and is never treated as one. Forget “one,” he’s barely treated as a number four.

Kyle Isbel – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in four games, and there’s literally no way anyone is ever picking him up, so moving on.

Sean Burke – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.35. Wouldn’t start Sean Burke, but I would buy a sectional off his floor.

Lucas Giolito – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 8.38. After his solid 1st start of the year, I said Giolito hasn’t been good for years and I wouldn’t touch him. I got the sense people weren’t paying attention. Do I have your attention now?

Nathan Eovaldi – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.03. He reminds me a bit of Seth Lugo. Zero love all preseason and now people are just shrugging, and he’s basically a top five starter.

Cal Quantrill – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 7.11. Guy looks like Cy Young compared to Sandy Alcantara and his ERA is serving Slurpees.

Teoscar Hernandez – Hit the IL, diagnosed with Grade 1 adductor strain; will be inactive “for a while.” Meh, that’s okay, he was only my most productive player.

Shohei Ohtani – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, as he becomes the first player this year to go 10/10. Yeah, he’s not gonna steal this year. Or homer. Or be great. This is sarcasm.

Freddie Freeman – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, 2nd homer in two games, 3rd homer in four games, 4th homer in a week, and 8 homers in, like, ten games. Dude will never not be good. He’s like Kirk Gibson in the 1988 World Series, but all the time.

Tony Gonsolin – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.09. It’s only 11 IP this year, but he has the best 11 IP I’ve ever seen. 17 Ks, 2 walks, 2.20 xFIP, give me all of it.

Justin Verlander – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.50. If he had any other name, like Vustin Jerlander, you’d be like, “Meh, whatever, he’s a Streamonator call at best.” I also wonder if Kate Upton ever would’ve married a Vustin Jerlander.

Jung Hoo Lee – 3-for-6, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. Wonder if Josh H. Smith’s H is Hoo too.

Colin Rea – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.43. When regression finally comes for Rea, it’s gonna be like a tantric explosion.

Ryan Pressly – 0 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 7.62. Member how Elvis Presley used to shoot his TV? Okay, imagine that but me shooting my computer screen where Pressly was on my fantasy team. Can we find out who the official scorer was for yesterday’s game and where they live and what they want from Gold Belly? I’ll send them a pastrami from Katz’s to put a well-timed error in Pressly’s inning to make it unearned. Please I can’t look at 0 IP, 8 ER on my team, I’m begging here!