“Paper beats rock.”
“Damn…Oh, man, did you have to bat flip your hand to rub it in? Don’t you know the unwritten rules of paper, rock, scissors?”
No matter how good the Yankees and Padres are, the Dodgers are Standard Oil. So, the full package for Max Scherzer and Trea Turner is: Keibert Ruiz, RHPs Josiah Gray, Gerardo Carrillo; a bagel Larry King once took a bite of and put aside; fan meet ‘n greet with Rob Lowe, Hollywood Walk of Fame star of Mr. Ed; a good parking spot at Trader Joe’s, which seems impossible but whatever; a call from Tom Arnold about this “thing” and someone to intercept the call and jot down notes, and OF Donovan Casey. Let’s look at the Dodgers’ lineup once everyone is healthy:
T Turner 2B
J Turner 3B
Bench Barnes C, Pujols 1B, Taylor INF/OF, McKinstry INF/OF, McKinney OF/1B
Staff: Scherzer, Buehler, Kershaw, Urias, Price and Danny Duffy. Oh, eff off.
There’s a lot here, so let’s get on the other side of the anyway to break it down. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Max Scherzer – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.76. Why…*sniffling*…are my tears…*sobbing, honking nose*…different colors from different eyes? This was the last time we saw Max Scherzer in a Nats jersey, and, I, for one, hate when people say, “I, for one,” and it’s grounds for a punch to the nose, but, I, for one, couldn’t care less Scherzer’s going to be in a new park or with a new team. Don’t get me wrong, I love Scherzer. Scherzer’s cool. The eyes, the heat, the shoving. But he’s going to be: The eyes, the heat, the shoving on a new team too. And, well, I’m not a Nats fan, so who cares? In Dodger Stadium, Scherzer has been–It does not matter! Whenever people tell you a new park’s numbers for a guy I couldn’t roll my eyes any harder. He was facing the Dodgers when he was in Dodger Stadium, when he’s there now, he will be facing teams like the Diamondbacks. It doesn’t matter. Scherzer will be great, as long as he’s healthy.
Trea Turner – Also, heads to the Dodgers. Urner is about to be hitting 2nd in a lineup that is better than the All-Star lineup. In case you’re wondering, on MLB Park Factors, Dodger Stadium is fourth for best park to homer in. Don’t buy too much into that, because they have a little bit better lineup than, say, the Brewers, who are currently last. It could be a final 60 games, or one full 2020 season, to remember for Treat, once he finally gets back, which sounds like next week. By the way, the Dodgers’ payroll is $275 million. Meanwhile, the Pirates yelled for a moving truck to stop so they could check the couch cushions one more time for change.
Danny Duffy – Acquired by the Dodgers. If you google Danny Duffy + arm injury, it returns 3-point-7 trillion results. Finally, a player goes from the AL to the NL, though, so I can bid in my NL-Only leagues. Duffy’s great — 9.6 K/9, 3.3 BB/9, 2.51 ERA, 3.39 FIP and one of the best fastball-slider combos while also being reasonable to acquire. Still, huge injury concerns, but this is a solid get for your mixed or NL-Only leagues, if he ever returns. My guess is he won’t be back until September.
David Price – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.63. Trust me, I’m the first one to bail on a starter, but this wasn’t an easy matchup, and I’d give Price another shot, if he’s still in the rotation, and he should be.
Brandon Crawford – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs as he was activated from the IL. Fun fact! His nickname Bra-Craw is also what they call a bachelorette party going bar to bar.
Mike Tauchman – DFA’d by the Giants. He seemed to know it was coming because he changed his walk-up music to The Final Countdown. Then, on his way to the parking lot, he had the clubhouse valet play, “Drive My Car” by The Beatles, then, on the highway home, he played, “The Gas Face,” because he was out of gas, then he called Triple-A.
Josiah Gray – Acquired by the Nats. You, “So pumped to see what Gray can do with this move.” I crumble to the floor like a wet suit, curl into a ball, and cry silently. Oh, Josiah Gray! Not me Grey! Right, right! I knew that! I’m gonna leave JoJo Gray, Ruiz, Carrillo and Casey mostly to Prospect Itch, but, if Gray’s in the rotation, I’m still very much interested in all leagues.
Andrew McCutchen – 2-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer, 3rd homer in the last three days, or four games, if you also count 7-inning games as full games. Also, shame on you.
Brad Hand – Acquired by the Jays. After the trade happened, wonder who had to talk to the Hand. Bet they could find someone from a daytime talk show audience. “Hey, Montel Williams’s talent booker, do you have anyone who could ‘talk to the Hand?'” That’s the Nats’ front office. With Hand in Toronto, Romano moves to setup for now, but Hand feels like one of those deals where he struggles and is not relied on at all in the playoffs, or even by September. He’s also useless for setup, but whatever. Teams never learn, and Hand’s the guy in Toronto.
Hyun-Jin Ryu – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.26. This was in Fenway, so not relevant, but here goes anyway: Wonder how much a difference pitching in Toronto vs. Buffaloronto will make for Ryu.
Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 33rd homer. Said this before about Cake Batter, but if he doesn’t continue to hit homers in Toronto, there’s gonna be all kinds of people saying his power was Triple-A park influenced.
Kyle Schwarber – Traded to the Red Sox. Nats are going need to really get their defensive shifts right because they’re gonna have scarecrows in Nats jerseys playing a few key positions. “Wow, they really had Mr. Pumpkinhead positioned perfectly for that play.” Like, for reals, do they have enough players to field a team? It’s gonna be Juan Soto and eight Pumpkinheaded men. About to start calling him Juan Solo. Any hoo! Schwarber’s a solid pickup for the Sawx, when he returns, and he could hit for a decent average if he goes oppo-wallo.
— Razzball (@Razzball) July 30, 2021
Cesar Hernandez – Acquired by the White Sox. This deal went down when Tony La Russa fell asleep to a Get Roman commercial. As they said in Ancient Roman bars, you don’t have to go home Cesar, but you can’t toga here. Hernandez is a great pickup for the White Sox, who were starting Leury Garcia at 2nd base. Just went to look at who the Guardians have penciled in at 2nd base now and, well, how big of an eraser is there on that pencil? Hopefully, they recall (they have) Andres Gimenez.
Ryan Tepera – Traded from the small market Cubs to the big market White Sox. So, who is taking over if Kimbrel is traded? I don’t know. Is Kimbrel being traded? No idea. If so, don’t have much faith in the Cubs’ pen having much value without Tepera, Chafin and Kimbrel. I guess it’s Rex Brothers’s job if Kimbrel’s gone. As for Tepera in the other Chicago, hopefully Tepera doesn’t get battered-around.
Michael A. Taylor – 1-for-2, and his 9th homer. Guess who made him a batty call? This guy with two thumbs and IBS!
Salvador Perez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 25th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. From IBS to Sal P’s dong–What?! Ya know what’s crazy, Sal Perez might be putting together a Hall of Fame career right in front of us and no one cares.
Daniel Hudson – “It’s late breaking news here on a Thursday night! Sounds like Daniel Hudson is being traded to the Padres. Let’s go live there now! …wow, it’s a beautiful city.” So, when Hudson returns from the Covid IL, he will setup Melancon. Cool, brah.
Joe Musgrove – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.94. He had a July ERA of 5.31, so getting Musgrove right would be better than anything on the trade market, except for the Dodgers getting a top five hitter and a top five pitcher. Now watch as the Wilmer Flores-led Giants march to the World Series.
Frankie Montas – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.08. Streamonator was positive on this start, and positive on the next one, but the next is against the aforementioned Musgrove and Padres. Unless they trade for Shane Bieber, or someone.
Freddy Peralta – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.17, but in only 68 pitches. Love, love, lurve FreddyKBB, so don’t take this the wrong way, but not every team is going to be as forgiving when a guy is on that strict of a pitch count.
Manny Pina – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and two homers (6, 7). Pina’s aren’t the only thing he’s giving Manny of.
Joey Votto – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer. Who’s going to be the one that tells Dale Long’s family we have to dig up his bones to take them to the next Reds game, because Joey Votto’s chasing his consecutive games with a home run streak? Not it!
Patrick Wisdom – 1-for-4 and his 16th homer, and should be the Cubs’ 1st baseman for the rest of the season. I don’t agree with teams just selling. They’re all billionaires and should be trying to win every year. With that said, losing the brand-name Kris Bryant and Anthony Rizzo and keeping a guy in Wisdom, who has been better than both of them, is just smart. (Assuming Bryant’s gone at some point today.)
Willson Contreras – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer. Notice how he’s not mentioned in any trade discussions? Because catchers are super valuable or he has a favorable team-friendly deal? Hand on chin emoji that is wearing a robe as it gets into the jacuzzi to think further.
Ian Happ – 1-for-3 and his 10th homer, hitting .181. Haha, I told you he didn’t retire after last season. You’re so silly.
Diego Castillo – Traded to the Mariners for JT Chargois and prospect Austin Shenton. Rays trade relievers rather than just buy an extra chair for them. It’s cheaper that way. Plus, the Rays can just turn a janitor into a closer, so whatever. “Hey, are you done with the windows?” “Yeah, why?” “We need you for the 7th inning.” So, Nick Anderson is returning to be the Rays’ closer and my guess is Diego Castillo is the new Mariners’ closer with Sewald back to the 8th inning.
Austin Riley – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 21st homer, and his 4th homer in three games, and his 27th homer in two games. Imagine Austin Riley and Adam Duvall on the same team and hot at the same time and a little kid in the stands, pointing and yelling, “Hey, it’s Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig.”
Abraham Almonte – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, and his 2nd homer in three games. Between Almonte and Toro, what a week for Abrahams! I’m thinkin’ of droppin a FAAB Lincoln, Rougned Odor be stinkin’, see Madonna’s Kabbalah bracelets say, “Those are Madges!” I don’t need no badges!–Sorry, sometimes my rap alter ego, Be Fire, just has to flow.
Pete Alonso – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer. Albombso!
Taijuan Walker – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.71. The Regression Fairies moved into Walker’s two-story walk-up and are filming a pilot for HGTV called, “Getting Housed.”
Casey Mize – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.41. Not to be a hater my whole life, but two strikeouts in seven innings? Did they hire Ray Searage to coach? Is Rick Porcello their model of excellence?
Miguel Cabrera – 3-for-3, and his 9th and 10th homer. After his home run trots, the TV suggested more titles like this, and one was The Irishman.
Austin Meadows – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 19th and 20th homer, hitting .243. Hasn’t been having the best year. OR HAS HE?! Damn, Mr. Reversal Question, just shouting at me. My bad…OR IS IT?! Okay, Meadows on the Player Rater has been having a solid year, not the best year, not bad though.
Luis Patino – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.26. With all the innings limiting and injuries, a guy like Patino could be a top ten starter for the next month, and that’s all you need right now, then worry about September in September.
Gerrit Cole – 5 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.11. Can’t blame me, I told you to avoid him in all leagues.
Anthony Rizzo – Traded to the Yanks for prospects, Alexander Vizcaino and Kevin Alcantara. Putting a piece of paper where I’ve written my Twitter handle, Rizzo4life, on a raft surrounded by candles, as I eat Portillo’s and officiate a viking funeral, honking my nose, and sobbing. Finally, breathlessly, “Why?” Okay, the Yankees are hilarious. Is the Yanks’ plan to win every game 17-15? Like, fellas, that’s not a plan. Have they never seen a playoff series? The Nats didn’t win because they got the most out of Gerardo Parra, they won because of Scherzer, Strasburg and Corbin. The Dodgers won because Kershaw started being Kershaw and stopped being Playoffs Kershaw. *disregarding every playoff series of the last twenty years* Hitting wins titles! So, ‘Ladies and gentlemen, put our hands together for the astonishing R to the izzo’ should be better in Yankee Stadium, because the porch is 230 feet away, but you can’t just beat up on other teams. Well, for fantasy, this is a solid move for Rizzo. He can’t be worse! According to Statcast, if Rizzo were in Yankee Stadium all year, he’d have 23 homers right now. He actually has 14, so, yeah, improvement. Imagine he’s rostered in all serious leagues, so you get a boost if you have him. You know who you are.