Makes Messick That Parker Didn’t Get A Win

Messick, a noun, verb and adjective for when you are calling out to work and can barely speak into the phone. “Hello,” you mutter. You’re a mutterer all right, because you have your hand over the phone, so they don’t hear you’re on a raft in a lazy river at the Great Wolf Lodge while sipping a Pabst. “I’m gonna pass the phone off to my secretary because I barely have the strength to hold the phone up….What’s that? My secretary called out sick too?” You make eyes at your secretary on another raft with a pina colada. She says, unconvincingly, “Messick too.” Then, there’s Parker Messick, just a noun, the pitcher in Cleveland. Yesterday, he went 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.54. Two, five, four. He’s a rookie! (I think he’s a rookie; I googled it, but google broke in 2023.) His underlying numbers are the sassy-molassey you find at the Cleveland Guardians Starting Pitching Factory that is carved out of a shell of an Old Spaghetti Factory. 9/2 K/9, 2.4 BB/9, 3.35 xFIP, and 94.2 MPH on the fastball, which is up two miles from last year and he added a cutter, which has been hit a bit, but has a much better xBA. His four-seamer though? .157 BAA. Yoshinobu Yamamoto has a .145 BAA, then Messick. That’s the top two. His sinker is a top 25 pitch too. His change? .226 BAA and that’s the 12th best in the league. He’s having a star mitzvah, which you can celebrate with your secretary at the Great Wolf Lodge log flume while you two practice your coughs for tomorrow’s call-out of work. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Christian Bethancourt – Traded to the Pirates for cash. Three dollars and sixty-two cents, specifically. Also, his career SLG.

Rafael Flores Jr. – 2-for-2 and his 5th and 6th homer, and third homer this week, and guess who has him, but got sonavabenched by him? This guy using two thumbs to type.

Brandon Lowe – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 27th homer, and 2nd homer this week. Don’t think about how you would’ve been better drafting Lowe than just about any middle infidel you actually did draft.

Paul Skenes – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.95. That comes after extra rest days. The crazy thing is people will still gleefully draft Misiorowski in the 1st round next year, and, when he invariably disappoints, those same drafters will daftly say, “Geez, this is crazy. What’s the chances? I thought for sure he was safe.” More in the next blurb.

Jackson Jobe – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.50. Will he be an ace next year? I don’t know, but the thing is no one knows. There’s a chance Jobe is an ace next year and he’ll be drafted around 250 overall. Jobe or Skenes in 2027? Is it obvious to you? Because if it is, you’re deluding yourself.

AJ Smith-Shawver – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 6.23. That worked about as well as I secretly expected. Stupid gut feelings! Last time I take this probiotic.

Taj Bradley – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.90. Taj Mah-Meh.

Brandon Pfaadt – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.39. It’s slightly disconcerting that he’s pitching worse than last year when he had a 5.25 ERA. He ain’t Pfaadt, he ain’t nothing, yo ding dong, ding dong yo.

Jordan Lawlar – 0-for-10 since he returned, but Lars Nootbaar pinch-hit for him and hit a home run, so give 50% of a homer to Jars Nootlar.

Jarren Duran – 2-for-4 and his 17th homer. Also, in this game, Nick Sogard (2-for-4) hit his 1st homer. I mention that because one of these guys was hitting leadoff and one hitting 8th. Hint: Guy hitting leadoff was not the one you used a 5th round pick on.

Mickey Gasper – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer and 3rd homer in three games. [emerging from the ocean, winded, fighting for breath] Gasper!

Payton Tolle – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.08. The ugliest thing you can say about someone is they didn’t earn their mustache. I can say conclusively: Tolle did not steal his mustache valor.

Nestor Cortes – Discussing a deal with the Phillies. Oh no, I just had the sickest thought. “Bases loaded in the 9th inning of the seventh game of the NLCS. It’s Dodgers vs. Phillies and here comes Freeman to the plate to face Nestor Cortes…Oh, wow, Nestor is sweating buckets like Ted Striker.”

Luis Arraez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .319. He’s hitting cleanup and Schwarber’s hitting leadoff. Just saying that to see if I can get Earl Weaver to roll over in his grave.

Aaron Nola – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 5.12 vs. Sandy Alcantara – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 3.46. This matchup was billed as, “Sandy in Philly sounds like someone’s alias in the letters section of a Men’s Magazine, and Nola vs. Miami sounds like the same person’s question for where to go for Spring Break.”

Javier Sanoja – 3-for-3 and his 2nd homer in four games, and 2nd mention since he was runner-up in American Idol 20 years ago. Way to go, Sanoja!

Ben Rice – 2-for-5 and his 34th homer. Rice-a-HRoni! Yes, I think he’s going to be wildly over-drafted next year.

Pete Alonso – 1-for-4 and his 29th homer, eight homers, hitting .315 in the 2nd half, and likely should’ve had another homer yesterday that was called foul because they can’t even do replay review correctly. Albombso!

Dylan Beavers – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer. Orioles are one of the few organizations who can turn a sophomore slump into a junior slide, a senior oopsie and post-grad find-yourself-in-Europe-broke-and-working-at-a-coffee-shop and so forth.

Jordan Walker – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 25th homer, hitting .288. Why does anyone take part in the Home Run Derby? [sees Walker earned more from winning that than he does a whole year in the majors] Okay, but why when my fantasy team depends on it? He might’ve won a million, but, if I come in third, I could win my $50 back!

Chase Burns – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.51 vs. Matthew Liberatore – 6 IP, 3 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 5.04. This matchup was billed as, “Liberatore and its side effects, Burns.”

Sal Stewart – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 27th homer. Someone poke Elly with a stick to make sure he’s still with us.

Drew Rasmussen – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.01. Sucks to suck, but he did get the win for the conshellation prize.

Yandy Diaz – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Paper Towel commercial voice, “Wimpy, wimpy, wimpy…Al Brawn!”

Alejandro Kirk – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in two games and third homer in a week. “Beam me up, Scotty, I’m ready to party!” That’s Kirk while deejaying.

Dustin May – 2 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.57. May taking a sledgehammer to the narrative that the Brewers can fix people. Brave.

Joey Ortiz – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in four games. Your JOI is to pick up the hot schmotato. [intern whispers in ear] No! I’m giving Joey Ortiz Instructions.

Logan Gilbert – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.35. Wouldn’t have minded if you pitched a little less to the score.

Vinnie Pasquantino – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. I just plotzed. I just had a hot flash. I’m kvelling thinking about one thing and one thing only: Last year Vinnie Pasketti was so good in August that I actually got roped into his oh-fers this year. Could he be a Sweet August Baby? Is Sweet August Baby an actual thing? It will be if he is one! That’s my SAB story.

Max Muncy – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. No, the other Muncy. Ma’s Muncy. The Muncy you monocle.

Cade Cavalli – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.22. My brain custard is a flan of mush, because I thought I just did a Cade Cavalli lede, so I didn’t do it, and I’m not sure that was right. He now has back-to-back gems and he’s having a star mitzvah too. Have a great next game, Cade, and I will shine a brighter light on you. You have my word, or my name’s not Grey Albright, Fantasy Master Lothario, don’t abbreviate it.

Andres Chaparro – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer. Hey, real question, but is Ted Williams’s frozen head in a glass jar the Nats batting coach, because everything they touch is awesome.

Jose Tena – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 7th homer. Thank you, Jarred Williams!

Walbert Urena – 5 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.80. Streamonator says Walbert gets the Guards at home next time, and I don’t mind it.

Clay Holmes – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at…Guess. What’s his ERA? I won’t expect you to get it to the tenth of a decimal. Get it to within .25. C’mon! It’s fun to be wrong! No? Okay, it’s 2.49. He’s no Skenes (complimentary)!

Michael King – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.38. He’s pound for pound one of the least interesting pitchers who has pitched well enough to convince some who roster him they were right to hold him. He will definitely be drafted at least five rounds too early next year.

Jorge Polanco – Will undergo surgery on his ankle. People make fun of the Mets about Bobby Bonilla, but the Mets just paid Polanco $40 million. I don’t know, man. Sounds worse!

Carson Benge – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, and 2nd homer this week. In a keeper, I traded Benge for Juan Soto. I won’t get into the keeper prices, but it seemed like a slam dunk for this year, and I happily pulled the trigger. It goes to show you why you shouldn’t veto trades unless you have one owner on tape saying, “I’m trading with myself because I own both of these teams, and these rat finks will never know!”

Robert Stock – 4 1/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 5.40. I have a theory why he’s occasionally pitching well. He’s not a very good pitcher, but that’s why. The Mets are like, “Meh, we don’t have to try to coach him. It’s not worth it.” So, he’s throwing unencumbered by the Mets’ coaches. By the way, unencumbered isn’t when you ask for a salad without cucumbers.

Kodai Senga – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 7.82, and his 4th save. He entered the game to the song Beat It, and, like Michael Jackson with Bubbles, he almost blew it.

Mickey Moniak – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer. He’s a Moniak! Moniak! Woohoo! And he’s hitting like he’s never hit before! (Except maybe last year.)

Enrique Hernandez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Is it the playoffs already?

Mookie Betts – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. Mookie Okay-At-Betts.

Shohei Ohtani – 0-for-4. No sure how much you’ve been following of the Dodgers’ owner Mark Walter’s financial crimes saga, but he’s currently selling assets to try to find money to cover a few dozen billions. Hold the chuckles, friend. Dodgers’ Mark Walter selling assets to try to find a few billion in the seat cushions to keep the Dodgers’ ponzi scheme afloat won’t be so funny when he sells Shohei Ohtani’s contract to the Savannah Bananas and Shohei’s stuck trying to hit home runs while hula hooping. Everyone was like, “Ooh, the Shohei Ohtani deal is terrible for baseball. Dodgers are terrible for baseball. It’s not fair. You can’t defer that much money.” Blahblahblah! Joke’s on you, you couldn’t defer that much money unless you were doing a vast, billion-dollar fraud. Try harder, losers!