Roofies are real and they are not good. When you wake up after five hours and you’re missing a kidney? That’s a roofie. They’re a rookie pitcher who just decimates your ratios and leaves you wandering around for a light switch, only to realize you no longer have an arm. Though, you do have a hand, which is just puzzling. Yo, you T-Rex? With that said, rookie pitcher phenom Logan Gilbert is coming up. Prospect Itch just gave you the skinny, “If you’re going to hold one pitching prospect hoping he might come up and help your club, Gilbert should be that gottfried. He’s got a big league starter’s pitch mix and command, and he’ll be coming up to a hot club with pretty strong defense in a nice pitcher’s park. Speaking of which, I’d like to park my Subaru on Grey.” Okay, not sure what that’s about. I don’t say this lightly, but Logan Gilbert could win the AL ROY. Will he? What, I should sell my soul for future advice about a stupid MLB award? Get out of here! You sell your soul if you want to know! I’m just saying Gilbert’s plus command and strikeout ability makes him a must grab. I did in my RCL, and I would do it again! Though, I’m only in one RCL, so not sure how I can do it again. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Khalil Lee – Was called up by the Mets, as he sits on the bench. Here’s what I said previously, “Okay, so Khalil Lee’s minor league stats are some of the more humorous I’ve seen: 8/53 with a 28.2% strikeout rate in Double-A. Yo, who’s his batting coach, Billy Hamilton? Not even Quay Hugebottom could fix that, yet — again with some stank — YET! Speed plays. If you need SAGNOF, I could see grabbing him. If you want a professional opinion, Prospect Itch said, “Lee has taken tremendously well to plate patience and base-stealing, but his swing mechanics and contact skills need work and reps. He’s likely to get these reps at the big league level soon, where he could be a stolen base boon in OBP leagues with little to offer in standard 5×5 for his first few seasons. Anyway, who wants to punch Grey in the face?” And that’s me quoting me quoting Itch! Khalil might also be in this Friday’s Buy/Sell, if he ever gets playing time, and the Buy/Sell is already up at our Patreon.
Taijuan Walker – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.20. Real question: Is it possible to find bad pitchers? Streamonator answers that with a resounding yes for Walker’s next start. Honestly, though, Walker’s a bit more than a streamer. His career ERA is 3.75 in over 600 career innings. Okay, maybe a streamer in very shallow leagues.
Mike Moustakas – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 4th homer. Moistasskiss!
Sonny Gray – 4 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.55. Love me some long man out of the bullpen as much as the next guy, but what is an 87-pitch four and two-thirds start? An amuse bouche? Well, I ain’t amused.
Nico Hoerner – Expected to be activated on Friday. I’m feeling Hoerner-y. Yay baby! (Very new reference.)
James Kaprielian – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, as he was called up. James Kapriellian is also the answer to the trivia question, “This Sunday in FAAB when everyone else spends nutbags on the Mariners’ prospects, who are the cheapskates getting?” A’la Kanye, “Let’s here it for the cheapskates! Let’s here it for the ones not spending nutbags!” The last big Kaprielian update on Razzball was by Prospector Ralph, before he was Geoff, he said Kaprielian’s ETA was 2019, so, yeah, things got pretty sidetracked. His injuries were like where the chair lift is installed in nursing homes, derailing. For now in most leagues, he’s a streamer, and in AL-Only, you do what you have to do.
Matt Olson – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer. Allahson needed help from some higher power to homer yesterday, because…Were there other homers? Can we liven the ball up a little? Asking for interest in baseball.
Yu Darvish – 4 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 2.08. Mentioned this before but the 7-inning games play havoc on how long the manager leaves the starter in. Managers have in the back of their mind they only need three innings from the pen, so pull them after four. Especially stupid when you consider they have their ace and another whole game to play after this one.
Victor Caratini – 2-for-3, 5 RBIs and his 3rd homer, a grand slam. *pours vodka into Big Gulp, stirs with carrot* Ah, yes, Caratini.
Blake Snell – 4 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.19. Was feeling really good about Snell this year. In San Diego, beautiful weather, great team, mascot is a chicken. What could go wrong? I will now pull out my list of 270 things wrong with Blake Snell. What on earth with that command, brah? A 6.3 BB/9? Yo, Robbie Ray called and he wants his earth skin back! Wonder if it’s a mechanics thing, because it seems like he’s just not locating his fastball, so he’s relying on his slider. It’s not working. He could fix this, because other components seem normal-ish, but when does that happen? Seriously, I’m asking.
Jon Gray – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.93. Picked up Jon Gray a few weeks ago in a 15-team mixer and have been starting him every time out, rain/shine, away/Coors and so far, well, if I continue this sentence rather than trail off I will have jinxed myself…
Mike Soroka – Had a setback on his Achilles, and will have exploratory surgery to see if they can find the issue. Soroka’s having more Achilles issues than Achilles. Hopefully, performing the surgery is Dr. Kiedis, and it’s just scar tissue.
William Contreras – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. The dropping of Tyler Stephenson and the picking up of William Contreras was my best move in one league. Yeah, it’s a deep league, and I haven’t made many great pickups. So what’s your point?
Teoscar Hernandez – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 4th and 5th homer, hitting .293. Actually hasn’t been bad at all, since he missed around two weeks with Covid, unlike Lourdes Gurriel (0-for-4) who you just hope isn’t viral. “Hey, Lourdes, you don’t sit next to Vlad Jr. Your seat is by Fetid, the grounds crew guy with the blisters.”
Didi Gregorius – Left the game with elbow stiffness. Usually wouldn’t be a concern, but is that the same elbow he had Tommy John surgery on? I don’t know, didn’t do the operation.
Odubel Herrera – 2-for-5 and his 2nd homer, which came off Hand. If there was any justice, that Hand would’ve hit Odubel.
Kyle Schwarber – 0-for-4, hitting .189. Would legitimately be interested in seeing if he could hit a ball off a tee.
Kyle Tucker – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, and third homer in four games. Get your hands inside, the Buy Low window’s about to close.
Jose Altuve – 1-for-5 and his 4th homer, hitting .286. Elias Sports Bureau said the bat Franmil uses is longer than Altuve.
Yuli Gurriel – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .333, and 2nd homer in as many games. I save the schmotatoes for guys who are under 50% rostered, and I can’t get a sense of Gurriel. Sometimes I get questions where they’re like Gurriel or Chapman, and other times I get questions like Gurriel or Carlos Santana, and those are in no way entirely the same.
Yordan Alvarez – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 7th homer, hitting .347. Captain Woo Cubano is often imitated, but never duplicated, but his combination of power and average, does remind me of Big Papi.
Jose Urquidy – 3 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.22, but left the game with a posterior shoulder injury. His velocity went from 94 MPH to 89 MPH. 1 MPH drop is a warning sign; a 5 MPH drop is, “Do you have a ride to Dr. James Andrews’s office or do you want us to pay for your Uber?” Pretty nice of the Astros to find him some transpo.
Andrew Heaney – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.75. To put it bluntly, I wouldn’t have drafted Heaney, and have no interest in him. He’s always wildly overrated.
Yasmani Grandal – 1-for-3, 3 runs, and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Yassssssssssmani!
Andrew Vaughn – 1-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and a homer. He’s struggled a bit, but he’s hitting .260 and playing every day now, so guess how many homers he has. Go ahead! Bzzt, wrongo! That was his first home run.
Billy Hamilton – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 1 RBI and his 4th steal, and a home run short of the cycle. Usually when one says “career game,” they mean a guy having the best game of his career, but, in Billy Hamilton’s case, this was a game where he accumulated all his career stats.
Nelson Cruz – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 9th homer, hitting .303. Coincidentally, nine is also how many normal-sized birthday cakes he needs to fit all the candles on his birthday.
Tyler O’Neill – 1-for-3 and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!
John Gant – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.83. Okay, this post is going on 3000 words, so I’m gonna do a real quick Gant check-in. *looks at his Statcast page* That’s a woof from me, dawg.
Casey Mize – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.19. Nearly streamed him (not sure what the Streamonator said, I was free-balling), but then I looked at Mize’s peripherals (so, not free-balling in the traditional sense) and yikes. I thought he was supposed to be a top pitching prospect. Mize does not make me smize, i.e., smile with my eyes, trademark Tyra Banks, ANTM 2003-2019. Not saying America’s Next Top Model ended in 2019, I’m saying I stopped watching after 16 years. Kinda got the gist by then.
Danny Duffy – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.94. Member for a minute people were talking about how Danny Duffy became an ace? Not an Urban Dictionary minute, an actual minute. They should’ve talked about it more. His peripherals look great (10.4 K/9, 2.6 BB/9, 2.29 FIP), and I’d buy that for a dollar.
Zac Gallen – Hit the IL with a minor sprain of one section of his UCL in his right elbow. Oh, is that all? “Hello, this is Dr. James Andrews’s office. If you’d like to buy the doctor a Ferrari, press one. If you’d like to buy him a Maserati, press two. If you’d like to buy him a ten-day vacation on Epstein’s island, press three…” Diamondbacks are saying they’re going to give Gallen a few weeks off and test him again, which is a waste of time. They should just escort him to Dr. James Andrews’s office.
Christian Walker – Hit the IL with oblique soreness. At least that’s recoverable. Only problem is no one has any idea how long.
Jesus Aguilar – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, and 17th homer in the last week. Find a hotter hitter; I’ll wait. I won’t wait. I thought the Marlins only signed Jesus because they figured Miami would be underwater soon, and their only hope was getting guys who could walk on water.
Cody Poteet – 5 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks in his major league debut. Marlins are so good at developing pitchers now they’re just making up guys. Don Mattingly running his finger down the phone book, “…and our starter is…Cody Poteet. See if we can get him in from Hialeah.” So, I watched Pooty Tang, and, it looked a bit like hitters were in a Home Run Derby but weren’t sure of it at first.
Gleyber Torres – Was out of the starting lineup due to caution, while the Yankees awaited his Covid test results. Yankees are up to seven people who were vaxxed and now have Covid. Was the nurse who administered the Yankees’ vax by any chance wearing a Red Sox cap?