[brid autoplay=”true” video=”1087852″ player=”13959″ title=”2022%20Razzball%20Draft%20Kit%20for%20Fantasy%20Football%20Rookies%20%20Breakout%20Sleeper%20and%20Bust” duration=”160″ description=”2022 Razzball Fantasy Football Draft Kit highlighting RookiesFave: George Pickens (:40)Flier: Romeo Doubs (1:17)Fade: Rachaad White (1:51)” uploaddate=”2022-09-01″ thumbnailurl=”https://cdn.brid.tv/live/partners/9233/snapshot/1087852_th_1661994056.jpg” contentUrl=”//cdn.brid.tv/live/partners/9233/sd/1087852.mp4″ width=”480″ height=”270″]
(NOTE: THIS POST WAS RELEASED EARLY THIS WEEK ON OUR PATREON. IT’S $10/MONTH)
“The best part of any candy bar is the stuff inside the chocolate, so I want a candy bar where the nougat, cookie wafer, crushed peanuts are on the outside of the chocolate. Mouth feel matters too, so the crunchy bits on the outside need to have a soft, chewy texture. Swiss and dutch chocolate are for losers. This candy bar needs to made in The Lou, so I want Missouri chocolate. What is Missouri chocolate? Whatever Willie McGee likes. Willie, please wave.” Willie McGee waves from the back corner of the conference room. We see now Lars Nootbaar holds court in front of the Lars Caandy people. He continues, “Also, I want it to be written “caandy baar” on all the bars. Two A’s, so we need to change all signage around this 5-mile-wide candy empire, that I’ve cordoned off with traffic cones. If you want to work for Kit Kat, get out now! The door’s over there! The only Snickers I want to hear about are chuckles at the water cooler when Willie McGee makes a joke! Do you understand me?” Lars is now screaming into one exec’s face, who is beginning to cry. “Wipe those tears from your face, and go make me a candy bar! Two A’s!” Lars Nootbaar isn’t just a demanding candy CEO, building a nougaty empire, he’s also been one of the hottest bat in the majors for the last month. On the 30-day Player Rater, he’s in the top 40 overall, and he’s now leading off on most days vs. righties. Since the Cards are famous for creating players, it’s only appropriate that they went into a 7/11’s candy aisle and got an idea. This hot Nootbaar won’t melt in your hand, or your fantasy team, so grab him, before he quits baseball to be a full-time candy CEO, like Willy Wonka, who was originally drafted to be a closer, until he discovered he was better stopping Gobs. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Yainer Diaz – Not sure on his playing time, but if Yordan needs to miss time, Yainer could see ABs, and has power. Will wait until Astros move on from Maldonado to truly see Yainer blossom into the Yainest.
Danny Jansen – There are catchers in the top 12 overall for catchers on the season, who are available, so I don’t mind Jansen because he’s hot, but there might be better guys available. Sadly, I can’t list all dozen or so catchers every week who should just be rostered, because my shrink says it’s bad for my mental well-being. That and starting Berrios.
Albert Pujols – It’s real Hall of Fame shizz to have a guy chase 700 homers, and be so hot that he’s able to help you in fantasy in the final month of his career. Not sure why all the baseballs Pujols is hitting for homers are inscribed, “Save for Albert and don’t let go of them at a speed less than 75 MPH or they will float away from the helium they’re injected with.” Weird stuff!
Michael Toglia – More of an NL-Only guy for now, or a “Guy you play when he’s in Coors,” but here’s what I said previously, “Toglia hit 30 HRs across the minors this year, and has big power, but who knows if he starts. Itch has said, ‘I think his natural path points to a September call-up (Itch nailed it!), and the Rockies could stand to give their fans some reasons to turn out. Toglia’s no superstar-in-waiting, but 6’5” 226 lb switch hitter presents a big figure just like Grey is a small weasel.'” And that’s me quoting me quoting Itch!
Mike Ford – If you’re counting on Mike Ford to pick up your entire team, I’d wait for Jimmy Minivan, but, if you need a hot bat in AL-Only, I guess you can do worse.
Isaac Paredes – Struggling at corner, then go with Paredes, he should be able to float you for a little while.
Franchy Cordero – Red Sox are down bad like spending your last dollars on a bowl so you can cut your own hair, but, while it might not be ideal to start Franchy at first, the Red Sox are and he’s hitting.
Keston Hiura – Gave you my Keston Hiura fantasy last week. It was written while check kiting.
Kolten Wong – “Hello, this is the Brewers’ front office. We heard you suggested we change the Sausage Race to the Wong Race, and we wanted to pick your brain about names for the sausages. We have so far Wong, Dong, Schlong, but we need one more.” That was a message I got on my voicemail the other day.
Gavin Sheets – If I were his friend, every time he walked out of the bathroom, I would scream, “Gavin Sheets!”
Christian Arroyo – His last name sounds like a hot sauce brand, which is appropriate because he’s been muy caliente! (I took 13 years of Spanish, can you tell?)
Ha-Seong Kim – Your middle infield options have to be pretty bad if you’re going back to Kim, or you’re Eminem.
Oswald Peraza – Here’s what I saw about him, “Oswald Peraza is being called up by the Yankees to replace Oswaldo Cabrera, as Oswego, New York just sits there, biding its time, waiting to be seen. Yesterday, in Oswado Peraza’s final minor league game he homered. Too bad the Yankees didn’t have a game yesterday or he could’ve been starring in the straight-to-Roku movie about Joel Youngblood, Weird Joel. Oswald Peraza replacing Oswaldo Cabrera is massively confusing. Instead of shaving, can the Yankees ask one to change their name? How does Babaloo Peraza sound? Cabriolet Cabrera? Pick one and let’s move on. Here’s what Prospect Itch has to say about him, “A right-handed hitter listed at 6’0” 165 lbs, Peraza gets power from the quality of his contact more than raw strength and could continue his upward arc in that department. It’s hard to know where that will ultimately settle, but it’s easy to put Peraza high on any prospect list. Now a list of people to punch would feature Grey.” Okay, that’s not cool. This year Pereza has gone 18/33/.258 in 384 ABs in Triple-A, and he was on Itch’s top 100 prospect list, where he was below Oswaldo Cabrera, which doesn’t track for me, but I guess Itch has his reasons. If nothing else, Peraza should be able to get on base and run. He’s a worthwhile gamble in every league. At least, until Oswego, New York comes up.” And that’s me quoting me!
Harold Castro – Went to look for the hottest middle infielders, saw Castro and was like, “It’s a bad week to lose your middle infielder.”
Gunnar Henderson – Just gave you my Gunnar Henderson fantasy. It had all the musings of a great Civil War general’s journal.
Bryson Stott – One of those where he’s absolutely not available in any deep league, and, in shallow leagues, you don’t want him. So, yeah, *rustles through cabinet, pulls out a shrug*
Jeimer Candelario – “You’re hired!” Lars hearing they call Jeimer, The Candy Man. Then, “But you need to change it to Caandelaario.” On the 7-day Player Rater, Jeimer is one of the top 3rd basemen. Also, 3rd basemen on waivers suck so bad. Or baad.
Josh Jung – Has he been called up? How about now? Now? Okay, I’m gonna go take a nap, wake me when he’s called up. *walks into a closet* Hey, where’s my bed?
Ildemaro Vargas – He’s been hot, but if you actually pick up Ildemaro Vargas in a mixed league, you have incredible conviction to the bit. That bit: Hot Schmotato Chaser.
Corey Dickerson – By the by, it’s not lost on me how the Cards are one of the hottest offenses in baseball, and, essentially, you could grab anyone from their lineup and your fantasy team will do a zoomie around your coffee table like a puppy after eating sugar.
Trayce Thompson – Has been hot, and I don’t trust him to continue to stay that way, or get everyday playing time, i.e., Trayce is a faint outline of being very whatever, but that doesn’t matter for a September pickup.
Jake McCarthy – On the podcast, I called him a 2nd half Jon Berti or On Erti, and I agree with myself. Smart stuff, Grey!
Esteury Ruiz – Was called up by the Brewers. This was me counting his steals this year across the minors and majors, “That’s 37…plus 23…plus 10…plus one…Wait, he didn’t really steal 71 bags this year, did he?” He did.
Corbin Carroll – Already gave you my Corbin Carroll fantasy. It was written while burping every state capital.
Garrett Mitchell – True story alert! I nearly made Garrett Mitchell the lede this week. Hey, I didn’t say the true story was interesting. I know Mitchell has big-time speed, but I watched his home run on Monday, and I was super impressed. He’s got solid power with 70-grade speed? Oh, okay, daddy, let’s watch Law & Order and do the chung-chung together.
Michael A. Taylor – MAT stands for hot schMotATo. I don’t know why they didn’t go for HS or something that makes more sense.
Stone Garrett – Go to your nearest casino and put $10 on “Garrett,” because they’re coming up all over the place. Stone Garrett is the type of guy who gets overmatched when there’s a bigger sample size, but could be great for a month with the Maas Appeal.
Jose Siri – So toolsy, but no contact. This guy is like a poor man’s Oneil Cruz. Call him Oneil Steerage.
TJ Friedl – Since he’s been one of the hottest bats, now when anyone else is as hot as Friedl, they’re being referred to as Friedly’s, but that might be just to see if I can get gifted a lifetime supply of Fribbles.
Jake Odorizzi – This is a Streamonator call, like the call it makes to the last remaining Blockbuster.
Ross Stripling – This is also a Streamonator call. “Do you have a VHS of Beaches. I love what it says about friendship.”
Nick Martinez – For years the Brewers were like, “Hey, let’s soak the baseballs we give to Josh Hader in a swamp for a month before he throws with them,” but then they didn’t tell the Padres the secret to making Hader work, so now it’s up to Nick. A foul trick, Brewers. Now the Padres need Nick without Hader getting balls from the sewers. Bam! You didn’t even know you were inside a poem.
Jimmy Herget – Angels’ closer, more or less, but on a side note, as I’m thinking aloud for early 2023 drafts, there’s like 20 closers in MLB, and there’s 30 teams, and I don’t know if we’re ever getting 30 closers again.
A.J. Puk – Pretty sure if I were to say Puk’s the A’s closer the next save will go to someone like Moll, whose first name, sadly, isn’t Paul.
Brandon Hughes – Call him Triple D. Not because he’s the Guy, but because he’s Bra-Hughes.
SELL
Jorge Polanco – Jo-Po sounds like a prison, and he’s been one of my own making because I drafted this schmohawk. Like Andy Dufresne, I’m breaking out of this JoPo!
Lourdes Gurriel Jr. – I saw he was rostered in 90% of leagues, and I cackled. I am cackling at you. I’m sorry. I was likely the reason you rostered him, but, when he got to month number six with less than one homer per month, it became time to bid adieu.
Luis Robert – Boner, as defined by Merriam-Webster, is to make a huge mistake or the arousal of the penis. After drafting Luis Robert, I was hoping for one boner, and I ended up with another. A boner’s boner. As Xzibit would say, “Yo dawg I heard you like making boners, so we put a boner inside your boner.” From LouBob to You Boner, the History of My Fantasy Baseball Team. LouBob could come out of this and become the boner you wanted, but I’ve been saying that for a few weeks now and I don’t even want to start him in my deeper leagues. Of course, if this is a keeper league, don’t trade Luis Robert for the page in the dictionary where you find the boner definitions, but I would go to our Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and explore options.
