Jung Ho Kang returned to the Pittsburgh line up after being sidelined since last September with a fractured tibia and what a return he had. Tibia shmibia! Kang came back with style, hitting two ding-dongs and going 2-for-4 with 3 RBI. Talk about gung ho! Talk about an obvious headline! What? You think you can do better? Go ahead and try. Please don’t I need that .0001% of a cent per page view every month if I want to afford my obsessive soba noodles and MOBA habit. Kang slashed .287/.355/.461 last season with 15 homers and 58 RBI. If there’s a possibility Kang is somehow still available in your league now’s your chance because he won’t be long. Me suspects manager Clint Hurdle will ease Kang into the daily line up slowly, but if he keeps hitting dingers we should see him playing everyday sooner rather than later. From the looks of it, Kang is going to pick up right where he left off and be a valuable fantasy asset immediately.
Here’s what else I saw Friday night in fantasy baseball:
Gregory Polanco – 1-for-3, SB (3). I will type this very quietly on my holographic keyboard projector because I don’t want to jinx it , but Polanco bat third in this game and this makes me a very happy person. Now let’s not mention it again.
Francisco Liriano – 7.0 IP, 5 hits, 2 ER, 2 BB, 10 K, W. I’m not going to preach like I saw this coming, because it was actually my old drifter friend who sells me my psychedelic drugs who told me this would happen. I just relay this information. So yeah, can’t be sure this actually happened or if it was an acid flashback to 2011. Either way I own him all over and he is good at throwing baseballs right now.
Aledmys Diaz – 3-for-4, run. I told you to pick him up a few weeks ago and that remains my most impressive recommendation of the young season. Will there be even more impressive recommendations to come? Doubtful. But keep reading every week to find out!
Anthony Rendon – 1-for-4, HR (2). Rendon has been downright awful considering where you probably drafted him, but he does have two homers in the past week, and that’s a silver lining, Bradley Cooper. Now stop rejecting Jennifer Lawrence or I’m going to scream.
Ben Zobrist – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 HR (5), 4 RBI. BenZo has now homered in three straight games with 14 RBI in the past week. Praise Xenu, a powerful thetan is bringing much ding dongs to Zobrist! Those auditing sessions are working, fam!
Max Scherzer – 5.0 IP, 7 hits, 7 ER, 3 BB, 7 K. This game reminded me of that part of Mad Max when the Road Warrior is chained to the front of that tank thing and the War Boys are siphoning his super blood into their veins. If only Max had some hot bionically-armed heroine in black face to come save him from the Cubs. For the glory of Valhalla, WITNESS ME!
John Lackey – 7.0 IP, 6 hits, 2 ER, BB, 11 K, W. Wen ur starting pitcher is WOKE. Woke af. We thought the Cardinals had brought out the best John Lackey but we hadn’t seen nothing yet, apparently. Lackey has a 40/10 K/BB ratio and a 1.09 WHIP. *Pro Tip* That will help your fantasy team!
Makiel Franco – 2-for-5, HR (6), 2 RBI. Franco has been struggling lately but after what seemed like a much needed day off Thursday let’s hope he’s back to hitting ding dongs and making bad movies with Seth Rogen.
Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-3, HR (10), 2 RBI. I was going over ESPN’s Daily Notes, which I often do when I’m on the toilet and my ESPN Fantasy app freezes and won’t close (which it often does), and ESPN picked Giancarlo “I Love You But I’m Still Going to Kill You Someday” Stanton as the most likely player to hit home run Friday night. Way to go out on a limb, ESPN! Nailed it!
Marcell Ozuna – 2-for-4. After a miserable start, OZUNA is batting .385 in the past week with three homers and a six game hitting streak. If you dropped him, or someone else did, now might be the time to scoop him back up.
Joey Votto – 1-for-3, HR (4). Hey JoVo. Nice of you to finally join us. Let’s turn it over to Canada’s top baseball analysts to see what they think. “Say Terrence, Votto’s got two homers in the past week and his BABIP is absurdly low. What say you, guy?” “Well, Phillip the only thing to do here would be to,” **FART** “Ahahahaha!” I see a buy low opportunity, budday!
Jordan Zimmermann – 8.0 IP, 7 hits, 3 ER, BB, 2 K. JZ has a 1.10 ERA, 1.05 WHIP through 41 innings. That almost makes up for him being cut from Drake’s new album.
Cole Hamels – 7.0 IP, 1 hit, 0 ER, 2 BB, 9 K, W. After the game, Cole celebrated by heading to 8 Mile and freestyle battled B. Rabbit. Unfortunately, he got food poisoning from some bad spaghetti but he should be good to go for his start next week versus the White Sox.
Rougned Odor – 3-for-5, HR (5), 3 RBI. What’s that Odor? That’s the sweet smell of a middle infielder batting close to .400 over the past week with two ding dongs. I know, I know, it smells surprisingly similar to Indian food, but it’s the middle infielder I swear.
Danny Salazar – 7.2 IP, 4 hits, 0 ER, BB, 9 K, W. Hail K-Zar! Wow, I really wish I drafted you. Your strikeouts make me want to be a better person.
Mike Napoli – 2-for-4, 2 RBI. Just like old Napoli! That’s amore! I mention Napoli not because I like him, but he tends to get crazy hot for stretches and he’s got a four game hitting streak with a homer and 8 RBI in the span. Now could be one of those hot stretches.
Marcus Stroman – 7.0 IP, 8 hits, 2 ER, 2 BB, 8 K. I drafted Stroman as my ace on one of my many fantasy teams and I initially regretted it, but I’m starting to warm up to the idea a lot. However, that could just be the sweat lodge I’m currently writing this in. Warming up so hard. Oh hey, is that the devil? Why do you look like my dad? I think this is really starting to work!
Brandon Drury – 1-for-5, HR (6). Grey just told you to BUY him, he’s got three homers in the past week! What do you mean you don’t read the BUY/SELL? You say only read Razzball for their amazing Saturday recaps? Wow, I am flattered, but I also don’t believe you.
Carlos Correa – 3-for-3, 2-run HR (5). Carlos hit this home run for the terminally ill child, Dillon, who asked that Jose Altuve hit one for him the night before. Greedymuch? Regardless, it looks like the Astros finally found a way to get things going. Dillon, can you ask Justin Upton to hit more home runs too? Also, Albert Pujols while you’re asking.
Ketel Marte – 2-for-3, 3 RBI, SB (3). I wrote pick up Ketel in my Evernote app and ended up grabbing a handle of vodka and totally forget about the Seattle infielder. Mistake. He is a hot little potato right now who’s hit safely in his past seven games and he’s available in about 70% of leagues. You don’t need to be drunk off vodka to know you should grab him, but it might help!
Melky Cabrera – 4-for-5, 3 runs, RBI. The Melk Man is batting close to .400 in the past week. You know it’s gotta be that secret stuff he’s been drinking. Don’t worry you can legally buy it on Cabrera’s very official looking web page. The site may or may not give you malware, but the stuff is there.
Drew Pomeranz – 5.0 IP, 1 hit, 0 ER, 3 BB, 5 K, W. Pomeranz is da bomberanz! Hashtag goals AF. At least he is now that he’s pitching for San Diego. I like Drew as a spot starter, and the 10.85 K/9 is real pretty, but he gets the Cubs next week and I would avoid.
Jacoby Ellsbury – 0-for-0, run, 2 SB (9). D’Ellsbury doing what he does best–getting injured. This time sliding into third, but he got the stolen base for the record. Jacoby should return some time this weekend, but grabbing Aaron Hicks who was 1-for-2 with his first homer last night, might not be a bad idea in deeper leagues.
Xander Bogaerts – 2-for-5, run, SB (6). Awesome-X! I love you, X, but as we discussed during pillow talk last night, you’re going to have to start hitting home runs if you want to make that Pablo Sandoval money someday.
David Ortiz – 1-for-5, HR (7), 2 RBI. Did you guys know he’s retiring? It’s all over the televisions in case you didn’t. Ortiz was ejected for arguing balls and strikes in the ninth and could be facing a suspension. Perhaps the umpires didn’t hear he was retiring?
Jose Abreu – 1-for-4, HR (5). Your buy low window is quickly closing. Try propping it open with a phone book. Millennials: “What’s a phone book?”
Brett Lawrie – 2-for-5, run, RBI. Lawrie has been three times flame emoji lately, with 3 homers, 10 runs and 7 RBI in the past two weeks. I don’t have to tell you to pick him up because he’s probably already taken. Now who’s late to the party!? Not me. I wasn’t even invited!
Thanks for reading! Questions? Problems? Complaints to management? Advice, small gifts or large bribes? Please leave it in the comments below. Join us next Saturday for another Friday recap as fantasy baseball continues next week, all week long!