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Don’t just toss around the boomstick tag, okay? Pass out the boomstick tag after thoughtful introspection. Okay? Okay. With that said, Josh Jung (3-for-5,3 RBIs and his 7th and 8th homer), that 3rd baseman in Texas? Yeah, he has a boomstick. Not saying he could play Quidditch, that’s a broomstick. This is a boomstick. To give you a super random comparison, Jung could be Ty France but with the boomstick. Jung, the France man. Call him Josh-Jung Sartre. Though, France has kinda sucked, but I was talking about his average when it’s good, and Jung should have more power France. Hmm, maybe that comparison isn’t great, except how else was I getting to call him, Josh-Jung Sartre? Some have doubted whether or not Josh Jung has the power to be an attractive fantasy corner man contributor. Doubt no more, as Josh-Jung Sartre once said of self-reflection. Can he stay on pace for 40 homers? We’re in unknown territory, but he’s been ready for the last two years. What would Sartre say of that? Let’s see, hmm… “Hell is other people having Josh Jung on their team.” Geez, this guy’s a real bummer. Unlike his sorta namesake! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Andrew Heaney – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.52. Who’s a bigger tease than this guy? He’s like being at Inspiration Point in the 11th grade. Yo, Heaney, be more Catholic school girl and less “what Catholic school girls say they’re like.” I’m willing to move on from Heaney if your league is shallow enough.
Jonah Heim – 1-for-5 and his 6th homer, hitting .294. Hit ’em with the Heim!
Leody Taveras – 3-for-3 and his 1st homer. Well, if it isn’t this post-post-post-post-snoozes for seven hours, awakens-post-post-post-hype-sleeper!
Brandon Pfaadt – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER, as he was called up. What the pfaack? Yo, Weird Al, you long-haired hippie freak! You explicitly said if you ain’t Pfaadt, you ain’t nothing. Well, guess what? He ain’t nothing! So, that was not good, he said matter-of-factly. It’s one start though, against a tough opponent. I didn’t drop him in the league where I have him.
Christian Walker – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 6th and 7th homer. And now he’s back on pace for what we expected from him in the preseason.
Ketel Marte – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert! ACKSUALLY, I only say hot schmotato for guys under-50% rostered, and I don’t know if Ketel is.
Lourdes Gurriel – 2-for-3, 3 runs and his 2nd homer. Lu-Gu-Ju go bam!
Tanner Houck – Cora said Houck will stay in the rotation and start vs. the Phils on Sunday. He didn’t answer, “Why?”
Daulton Varsho – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .209, and 2nd homer in as many games. Oh boy, Varsho trying to get me to eat my hat. Luckily, my hat is made of a giant tortilla chip!
Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 2-for-4 and his 6th homer, hitting .317. Is it me or does it seem like Cake Batter homers a decent amount, but his home run total always seems low? Who’s in charge of tallying these? ‘Puters? Do we trust those?
Alek Manoah – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.71, but three more unearned runs. Ticker shock! Everyone should have the good fortune of four errors behind them so they give up a bunch of unearned runs.
Nick Pivetta – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.99. I’m pretty sure we’ve reached the point in Pivetta’s career where he’s only rostered in under 5% of leagues, because the only people willing to take a chance on him have never been burned by him before.
Joey Lucchesi – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.86. Lucchesi of the Cannoli Crime Family is back in that pile of guys I wouldn’t even look at the Streamonator about.
Max Scherzer – 3 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.56, as he was reinstated. I’ll be honest, it’s not easy to silence your critics, who are saying you’re cheating, when you look like that vs. the Tigers.
Francisco Lindor – 2-for-8, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .217. At the start of the year: Lindor’s on the short list for guys who could be NL MVP. Right now: Turns out the short list was five pages long, and Lindor was on page 5.
Mark Canha – 2-for-7 and his 3rd homer. Canha? Yeah, you gotta laugh, otherwise you’d cry.
Tommy Pham – 3-for-4 and his 3rd homer. That’s a slam bam thank you, Pham.
Eric Haase – 4-for-8, 3 runs, 6 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homer. Jose Abreu, freezing and shivering, all by himself, says, “Why’s everyone leaving me from the ‘Yet to Homer’ area?”
Javier Baez – 2-for-6, 3 runs and his 1st homer. “Could someone turn on the heat?” Jose Abreu yelled into the abyss.
Michael Lorenzen – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 5.14. Finally a two-way star!
Jake Burger – Out with side discomfort. Thought he had a side of fries.
Dylan Cease – 5 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 4.58. So, his velocity is down and his command is more wonky than usual. I told everyone to not draft him, so I’m not very sympathetic, but he does look more off than usual.
Louie Varland – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.91. Early yesterday, “Call me cuckoo, but I’m starting three rookie pitchers today!” Late yesterday, the rookie pitcher fantasy owner sold at an auction as a one-of-a-kind cuckoo clock.
Nick Gordon – 1-for-2 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Elias Sports Bureau said Nick Gordon was the first player who weighs less than a baseball bat to hit homers in back-to-back games.
Luis Robert – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. Hey, hit it far enough and you don’t have to run hard.
Kyle Wright – Left the game with shoulder soreness. Swear to God, if I were Bryce Elder, I’d take out a huge insurance policy. Or, oh snap, is this how they get their players to sign insane contracts?
Ozzie Albies – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .275. He’s carrying the torch for the little guy, and coming up BIG.
Austin Riley – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .239. That’s a relief. I was starting to get comments about him and how come he wasn’t better so hopefully this staves off the sell low’ers.
Marcell Ozuna – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homer. Also, in this game, Ronald Acuña Jr. (1-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs) hit his 6th homer and Michael Harris II (2-for-4, 2 RBIs) hit his 1st homer. Tildaddy says OZUNA and Megahertz eyes pop out of their heads watching Braxton Garrett throw meatballs.
Braxton Garrett – 4 1/3 IP, 11 ER, ERA at 5.81. Maybe the Marlins shouldn’t have pitched Everybody Loves Raymond’s brother against the Braves. Being tall ain’t everything. Who else is a bastard like me, and enjoys schadenfreude so much they went through their leagues to see who started Braxton Garrett?
Jesus Sanchez – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. He homered? Jesus, Mary and Joseph! That’s a shoutout to his family.
Jose Quijada – Will have Tommy John surgery. Was he even injured? Guess he had a stamp card to fill.
Shohei Ohtani – 5 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 13 Ks, ERA at 2.54, 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. Someone console me and tell me I made the right decision to start him as a hitter this week. Please, lie to me!
Mike Trout – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 8th homer, hitting .296. Also, in this game, Brandon Drury (1-for-4) hit his 6th homer, and Jake Lamb (1-for-1) hit his 2nd. And “Drury” is what a drunk person calls a drawer, and a drunk person would put back their fish and lamb leftovers in a drawer. Do you see how these things all make sense? It’s the universe, man. Stop denying it!
Steven Matz – Might be skipped in the rotation. Weird, I thought the Cards only penalized players who were doing well.
Dylan Carlson – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. He’s great vs. the best pitchers in baseball. He’s Dylan Carlson vs. everyone else.
Nolan Gorman – 2-for-4 and his 7th homer, hitting .277. I kinda feel like it’s good that he’s hitting third, but it’s also an indictment of the Cards’ offense that they’re so reliant on Gorman.
Pete Fairbanks – Hit the IL with forearm inflammation. Rays will now turn to a frankencloser of Jason Adam, Colin Poche, Beeks, Cleavinger and someone else currently unknown, or simply Jalin Beevinger Aesop.
Wander Franco – 2-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Wander’s hankering for a nickname, but also the Wander name is so good. Ugh, dilemmas!
Josh Lowe – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, hitting .338. Nice that they find space for their best hitter, but, in all fairness, there’s a 12-way tie for their best hitter.
Willie Calhoun – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and his 2nd in two games. It’s with much regret I must say, hot schmotato alert!
Jake Bauers – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. Man, this Yankees’ offense is high-powered!
Clay Holmes – 1/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 4.50. Y’all still convinced he’s got the Yanks’ closer job locked up? I don’t know, King.
Shane Bieber – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.96. I am cackling that the Yanks are now a bottom-five hitting team.
Marcus Stroman – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.18. Excuse me, dreaming about a team where I drafted Sonny Gray and Stroman and having, like, a 1.50 ERA total. Much like Sonny, Stroman is not pitching this well, but his numbers are also not hideous like a huge fall is coming.
Jameson Taillon – Could start today after having his groin activated. *intern whispers in ear* It says, “Taillon (groin) could be activated today,” is that not what that means?
Luis Torrens – Cubs traded this catcher to the O’s. Damn, guess Adley to the minors.
Vinnie Pasquantino – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. Ay yo, it’s Vinnie Pasketti and put some sketti on my fork and watch me twirl without a spoon, ay yo!
Zack Greinke – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.25. Wanna make the case that Grienke’s a HOFer? I’ll nod along. Wanna use the Streamonator for him? I’ll shake my head no.
Gavin Stone – 4 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K (lol), as he was called up. Bad week to quit sniffing glue, and a bad day to start rookie starters. Welp, as I said with Pfaadt, it was one start. If you need to move on in shallower leagues, I understand. I will not judge you, which is to say I won’t hit 62 homers and watch some pretend it’s the MLB record.
Miguel Vargas – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (2) and legs (2), which comes a day after a four-hit game and he had his other home run the other day. His classes with Max Muncy, “Intro To Hitting The Ball To Hell Outta Here,” are paying off.
Max Muncy – 1-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .239. Wanna know a stupid pet peeve of mine? Fantasy sites that make a big deal of real baseball accomplishments. Muncy had a fine game yesterday, but let’s not blow it out of proportion. A walk-off winner means nothing for us. I would’ve preferred a 2-for-5 with a grand slam.
Craig Kimbrel – 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 8.25.
Craig Kimbrel pic.twitter.com/dWR7XwF8FW
— Razzball (@Razzball) May 3, 2023
Robbie Ray – Underwent Tommy John surgery. I assume they had to open him up first, getting his pants off.
Logan Gilbert – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.01 vs. J.P. Sears – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.06. This was a matchup of, “Your hitting is the worst!” “Oh yeah? Wait to see how bad our hitting is!”
JJ Bleday – 0-for-4 as he was recalled from Las Vegas by the A’s, which means he’s gonna have to travel back to Vegas now when they move? Bleday has big-time power, but might hit how much he weigh, and I gotta say, “It was a good Bleday.”
Zach Jackson – 1 1/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 2.57, as he blew the save. Welp, the guy who should be the closer, got a chance to do the closing, and Zax Jax had a Pox on his house, i.e., hot schmotato that is A.J. Pollock (4th homer, 2nd homer in as many games).
Seth Lugo – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.21. Lugo’s ERA on my team is even better, because I only start him when the Streamonator says so. Thanks, SON!
Spencer Steer – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. Hopefully one day he can be named Captain, wear a Yacht Rock hat to games and teach everyone to Steer, which is a dance where you put your hands at ten and two on an imaginary wheel and drive an imaginary car.
