Josh Johnson looked solid yesterday (7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks vs. the Rockies). But Colorado away from home can be an easy match-up. Hey, Rockies, try doin’ it in the land of Labatt! You’ve been Molson Iced! JB called this one in the comments yesterday. I did not believe. Though, I do look much more animated now. Like I just stepped off a yacht in a Miami Vice cartoon. I’m snorting cartoon drugs and listening to cartoon Phil Collins play cartoon bongos. What do you think of the new avatar? I just stepped off a boat yet my hair still looks adorable, right? The new avatar rates well in the 18-25 demographic; it’s the Poochie of avatars. As for Johnson, I wouldn’t mess with him. So far, he’s been solid vs. NL teams, but, the thing is, he kinda, sorta plays in the AL. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Brett Cecil – 2/3 IP to move his record to 3-0 with a 1.50 ERA. He has 40 Ks in 36 IP and a 0.75 WHIP. This is the Greatest Show on Earth as directed by Cecil B. De Middleman.
Jorge de la Rosa – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA is at 3.21. That’s nice, his K-rate is under 6 and walk rate is above 3. I wouldn’t own de la even if I had to plug 1, 2 or 3 holes in my staff.
Alex Cobb – Won’t travel with the Rays on their seven-game road trip. A similar incident to Cobb happened to J.A. Happ on May 7th and he just started throwing from a mound and has no timetable to return. Though Happ did injure his knee, as well, on his fall. Which the Russian judge gave a 6.6. Stupid Russian judge! Everyone’s recovery time is different, obviously, but wouldn’t be surprised if we don’t see Cobb until after the All-Star break.
Jake Odorizzi – Will spot-start the 2nd game of the doubleheader today vs. the Red Sox. Sounds like some eggs will be cracked for Odorizzi.
Anibal Sanchez – To the DL. I was out on Anibal…Didn’t like her/him/something. No likey likey. Then he/she/it pitched incredibly well for six weeks and I was like, “Hey, I can’t fault the guy/girl/whatever, it looks solid.” And like that he/she/it looks wonky again. Leyland says he’s concerned about Anibal’s shoulder. Here’s shorthand, managers and teams lie about a player’s health, making it out to be better than it is, so when they say they’re actually concerned, it’s a terrible sign. Should’ve known better to trust a person with a girl’s name and an Adam’s apple.
Alex Avila – It takes a whole lot of trying to get on the Disgraceful List as a hitter, but Avila pulled it off. First thing he’s done successfully in two years.
Max Scherzer – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 10 Ks, 3.08 ERA. Michael Chabon couldn’t have scripted it any better for Max. He could’ve added 1700 characters, used adjectives you thought were made up but weren’t and told the story in Alaska about a small sect of Chabad adherents. It still wouldn’t have been as beautiful.
Drew Smyly – Threw three perfect innings for the save, lowering his ERA to 1.94. Smyly had this to say after the game, “Brett Cecil, I see you encroaching on my middle relief that I’ve mastered like the karate pose, Small Tiger Sipping A Straw. But I too can Kung Fu.” For whatever reason, the words were not synched properly to his lips.
Miguel Cabrera – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer. He’s now batting .358 with 71 RBIs. I feel like he’s overrated. If ‘overrated’ meant, I wish I owned him once in his career. That’s right, I’ve never owned him. Weep for me, young prematurely balding man. Weep for me.
Austin Jackson – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI. Austin, stop keepin’ it weird and steal some bases!
Omar Infante – 4-for-4 with no runs or RBIs. After the game, he was handed the Polancy for emptiest average game until the scorekeeper informed everyone that he had a steal. Omar should take the bat with him on the base paths and an overcoat and a whistle. Maybe then he’ll paralyze everyone in fear and score. Watch out for Kenard!!!!
Chris Davis – 2-for-4 and his 50th homer. Was it his 50th? I lost count.
Shelby Miller – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, but exited with a leg cramp. Shelby fine for his next start.
Chris Perez – Said he’s coming back on Friday from rehab. He wants to thank Dr. Drew and his whole staff.
Nick Swisher – Received a cortisone shot in his shoulder. Five nurses administered the shot. Four to touch his sideburns, one to inject him.
Carlos Santana – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer, hitting .283. I feel like it was just yesterday he was batting .350. Did I fall asleep for a month? Who won American Idol? Was it the stuttering guy? I kept waiting for him to sing, “M-m-m-m-m-m-my Sharona!”
Carlos Carrasco – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks. Carrasco’s getting hitters with his unique blend of salt, vinegar and cayenne peppers, and moving up the Scoville scale. Carrasco was once a regarded prospect, but I’d want to see a few more starts before risking anything on him.
Roy Oswalt – Could start Thursday for the Rockies. Depends how long it takes his tractor to get from Tulsa to Washington.
Jose Reyes – Began a rehab assignment and is targeting a return by the end of the month. Reyes makes his living on the evening news, he’s got the ‘just turned thirty quandary.’ He can’t keep his legs healthy. How many steals you think he’s going to get this year? Okay, subtract that by seven and round down. I told you when Te(i)x was due back to sell him, and Reyes is no different. His name value means a lot more than his actual value.
Chase Utley – Nears rehab assignment, which means he nears his next DL stint. With Chase, you can bank on it. Pun point!
Ben Revere – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 17th steal. He was mentioned in our steals column. BTW, the steals column is the best column you’re not currently reading on Razzball. It’s all SAGNOF, all the time.
Ryan Howard – 3-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Frank Howard could have more than 8 homers by now and he’s 76 years old, but in fairness to either Howard, Frank is old man tough and could beat Tommy Lee Jones in an arm wrestling match.
John Lannan – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks as he was activated from the DL. The Phils want to make it clear that Lannan is not trade bait for prospects. He’s trade bait for anything. “Lannan for an Orange Julius? Anyone?”
Dan Haren – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, but the Nats were in this game until Abad man lost it.
Pablo Sandoval – Could begin a rehab assignment on Friday, which Sandoval calls TGIF’s.
Kevin Slowey – Marlins moved him to the bullpen to make room for Nate Eovaldi. Eovaldi’s an interesting name for bottled water and olive oil, but outside of NL-Only leagues I wouldn’t bother with him. In NL-Only leagues, here’s what I said in the preseason rankings, “Eovaldi averages a 94 MPH fastball; can touch 98 MPH. An average 94 MPH fastball would’ve been a top five average fastball velocity last year if he had enough innings to qualify. You can teach control, you can teach conditioning and build up stamina, you can’t teach stuff. Eovaldi’s stuff is solid. Though his name backwards is naive.” And that’s me quoting me!
Jacob Turner – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, 2.16 ERA on the year. So, he was the rookie pitcher I was supposed to pick up? He’s definitely moving up on the list of pitchers I might grab. You can call that Jacob’s Ladder. It’s just that whole Marlins thing that bothers me. He does get the Giants next, which is a tasty match-up.
Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-4, 3 RBI and 2 homers. Or as they say in my house: two orgasms. Rudy wanted me to point out Stanton was listed number one on the Hitter-Tron today. Hey, when the Rockies are away from Coors someone has to fill in.
Carter Capps – 2/3 IP, 4 ER. At least now I can say that’s why my team ERA is listed as all Capps.
Tony Cingrani – 2/3 IP, 2 Ks. Will stay in the majors and work out of the bullpen. Dusty said, “What better way to preserve a young arm than throwing him five days a week?” The word preserve is currently looking into litigation against Dusty for slander.
Mike Leake – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks. Looks like the Pirates were sunk by a Leake. High-five self! The last time he pitched I told everyone he’s a solid option in all leagues. You don’t own him now because you don’t read this. You’re not even reading right now, which reminds me I was the one that didn’t refill the toilet paper in your bathroom. Oops!
Zack Cozart – 1-for-3 with his 7th homer. Hot schmotato alert!
Todd Frazier – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer. True story, I have a friend who is on one of those nighttime soap operas. Worst mistake I ever made was telling my mom. Now, she asks about him all the time, calling him “Hottie Toddie.” You’ll never be as scarred by this as me, but I hope you can at least get skeeved.
Jay Bruce – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer. They call him Bruce (because Ichiro confused everyone about what name is on the back of the jersey).
Joey Votto – 2-for-4 and his 12th homer. Well, it’s not a 1-for-1 with three walks, but we’ll take it.
Patrick Corbin – 8 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the MIA Marlins. Coming off two bad starts out of three, it was a nice time to pull the Fish. Hook, line and they stink, y’all.
Heath Bell – 1 IP, 1 ER. Putz is about a week away and Bell is about two games away from looking like he shouldn’t be in the major leagues, let alone be a closer. Though he does have the closnarl. You know, the angry look a closer gets after he gives up runs. Valverde does a good one. If Putz is out there, now is the time to stash him.
Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. Au Shizz!
Pedro Ciriaco – 3-for-6 with a steal. The Padres acquired him the other day for a player to be named later. The Red Sox could name anyone on the Padres and he probably wouldn’t be a starter for them. Any hoo! Ciriaco has speed and should have a regular-ish starting job while Gyorko is injured.
Francisco Liriano – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, 2.44 ERA. The insane thing is his xFIP is very solid too, assuming you know what xFIP is. In layman’s terms, Liriano is pitching solid enough to go against any team for any fantasy team in any sized league. BTW, they should have In Layman’s Terms For Dummies.
James Shields – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks. The results looked fine, but I watched the entire start and he looked sloppy, which doesn’t matter unless your league has an Appearances category and it doesn’t mean simply when a pitcher enters the game.
Bud Norris – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. Ugh, I went to the Astros streamer well one too many times and had the White Sox move at the last minute and I dropkicked the air.
Brandon Barnes – 3-for-5, 1 run and 2 steals. I don’t want to overstate my love for Barnes. Actually, that’s impossible; I don’t even really like him. But he could be a sneaky AL-Only play that could get a 12/15 season with a decent average. It’s not much, but his mom, Priscilla, loves him.
Jason Castro – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs, hitting over .300 in the last week with 2 homers (10 on the year). I’d be doing effin’ back flips if Salvador Perez was doing that.
Jason Vargas – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks. I moved a bit too late on grabbing him and lost out after putting him in my Buy article last week. Stream-o-Nator also loves his next start and I don’t mind it either. See that, SON, we’re seeing eye to eye. SON, “Who are you cartoon man?”
Dayan Viciedo – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs. He hasn’t done much recently, but I’m watching him like a cyclops with a monocle, because when he gets hot, it’s scorching and it lasts for a hummingbird’s blink.
Darwin Barney – 1-for-4 with a homer. The Purple Evolutionist has a modest 6-game hitting streak and could be the ever-so-slight hot schmotato.
Dan Straily – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER. Two steps forward, one giant turd back.
Seth Smith – 2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs and looks like he’s picking up a little hot thmotatoey-neth.
Jed Lowrie – 2-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI. How does he have only 3 homers on the year? When I traded him 6 weeks ago, he had 3 homers? Did the umps overturn ten homers? Is he time traveling from the dead ball era? That would explain his first name.
Albert Pujols – 4-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. Only seven straight more nights like this and he’ll be on par with Matt Carpenter. Somewhere, John Mozeliak is cackling.
Josh Hamilton – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, now batting .217. Only a month straight more of this and he’ll be on par with Domonic Brown.
Alberto Callaspo – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs. Finally, Mel Gibson had something to cheer about. Oh, wait, that’s not Callaspo, that’s Apocalypto.
Peter Bourjos – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd steal. When I saw this line, what was the first thing I did? No, not scratch myself. I went to look if I could pick him up in leagues where I needed speed.
Nelson Cruz – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and two homers. I like Cruz’s steelo. Once the hammer falls about Biogenesis they’re not gonna be checking urine or blood then. That time will have already passed, so Cruz is probably shooting up in the on-deck circle then tossing the used needle into the crowd like he’s a pro wrestler who we’ll call The Litterbug. The Litterbug makes Chief Jay Strongbow cry.
A.J. Pierzynski – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. Dah, I almost picked him up for my short schedule batty call. Instead, I went with Mike Aviles.
Jurickson Profar – 1-for-4. Ron Washington went from saying Profar wouldn’t play every day to playing him every day to saying Profar’s going to the minors to saying he’s going to stay up and act as a utilityman on the infield to saying he’ll see time in left field. Geez, it’s almost like Washington can’t focus on one thought and keeps rubbing his tongue on his gums.
Freddie Freeman – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. When I left the game to watch The Voice, it looked pretty over with Gee cruising to victory, then, when I returned, Freeman ruined that. I blame Michelle Chamuel, who puts the eek in geek.
Dillon Gee – 8 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. Can we skip the lame Gee whizzes or Gee willikers or Gee whosiethingamawhosies and just pick him up? Gee someone’s cranky. *grr*
Lucas Duda – 4-for-4, 3 singles, a double and a caught stealing. The Marco Scutaro Cycle!
Mark Teixeira – Sounds like he’s headed to the DL. I don’t know why, he was so good four years ago. Do people age? This is weird. Bee tee dubya, I’m Dorian Gray.
Alex Rodriguez – He’s cleared to face live pitching. To do this, he’s gonna have to cross the zombie pitcher strike line.
