Something struck me the other day. Luckily, not a bus. No, it was a thought. Bus-sized thought! I was looking at Rob Neyer’s Twitter account, and he’s almost completely stopped talking about baseball and it’s all about politics. It’s like he’s taken “stick to sports” as a directive of what not to do. Occasionally, I’ll make a joke about Trump, but no more than I joke about being married to a Cougar, being a Jew who thinks he’s black, Mike Napoli’s mom’s breasts, hating C**nt Hurdle or an array of things. Honestly, I miss baseball Rob Neyer. His hot takes on politics are fine. Personally, I agree with his politics, but at a certain point doesn’t he miss baseball? He was the one person who I read religiously at ESPN. Might be the last person I’ve ever read at ESPN. The grand game misses you, buddy, come back from the MSM hot takes. Any hoo! Rudy’s title inspired me to talk on that topic, but Joe Ross. He’s why we’re here. Yesterday, he went 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners (0 BBs), 12 Ks. Is it a Mirage or is the Circus, Circus back in town and he’s a Treasure Island of Wynn (I don’t know why I’m in Vegas now.) His peripherals can go either way. His 9.7 K/9, 1.7 BB/9 and 3.48 xFIP are gorge, but his velocity is way down. Down to the point where his Hard Contact is up nearly 10% to just under 40%. The absolute worst of the worst allow Hard Contact at that rate. Yesterday was a great sign, and I’d hold or grab him, but I want to see another start before saying he’s back. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Trea Turner – 3-for-4, 2 runs and 3 steals (19, 20, 21). I just thought of something on Treat Urner. What if he’s a June thru October hitter? What if as good as he was doing in April and May, and it wasn’t bad, but what if as good as he was doing was nothing compared to how well he’s going to do June thru October? Like Technotronic, I’m pumped up the jam to find out.
Manny Machado – MRI results came back negative on his wrist. Consider him day-to-day, or Day II Day if an R&B singer is reading.
Michael Fulmer – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.40. Did someone say three forties? That’s Billy Dee Williams’ wet dream! Pretty pathetic to get rocked by the Los Angeles Is 40 Minutes North Of Anaheim Angels. Conspiracy Theory Alert! Joseph Gordon Levitt prayed that his favorite team, the Angels, would do well so Mike Trout has been ghost-batting for all the players.
Nick Castellanos – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting near-.375 in the last week with two homers. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but that’s more because of my lazy ass and Castellanos might be owned in too many leagues. Never the hoo! I’d own him.
JC Ramirez – 5 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.33. I’ve started Jesus Christopher Ramirez a few times, but always by request of the Stream-o-Nator.
Andrelton Simmons – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, hitting .276. Andrelton’s supposedly changed his launch angle. I’m pretty sure they’re talking about him taking off in his UFO.
Danny Espinosa – 3-for-4, 1 run, 3 RBIs, hitting .165. This feels like a philosophical fantasy baseball question: if the Angels score double digit runs and none of the players matter for fantasy have they scored that many runs? It’s like the sound of Jim Abbott clapping.
Juan Nicasio – C**nt Hurdle says Nicasio might be the closer instead of Watson and Rivero. No going back now, Hurdle has broken the “Just Nicasio of a fire” glass. You can’t unbreak that glass without getting blue paint all over your hands and having to explain to the firemen, “I couldn’t reach the Cocoa Puffs and knew you guys had a ladder.” Been there, done that!
Gerrit Cole – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.83. Not even joking, I looked at the box score twice to make sure it was Gerrit Cole and not Gerritt Cole or Garrett Coal or Garet Kohl or Grrrrit Cole or any other iteration of his name because I just didn’t believe it. He was hit by Tyler Moore, Dudley and Roger’s lovechild, and Derek Dietrich? I have to think Cole’s injured or dealing with a mechanics thing. There’s no way he’s this bad.
Edinson Volquez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.41. Well, Johnny Vander Meer’s family no longer needs to follow him around, but the Vander Meers still got to see a solid performance. He’s obviously locked in and, in one deeper mixed league, I grabbed him.
Ben Lively – 7 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.57. I keep wanting to call him Blake Lively, and I know that’s wrong, but then I see how few Ks he gets and I feel like I’d prefer to be watching The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.
Francis Martes – Was called up by the Astros to work middle relief. Francis had a 7.8 BB/9 in Triple-A. More like St. Francis of Assy.
Dallas Keuchel – Hit the DL with a neck injury that was originally described as “an illness,” because, as I assume with most team announcements, they ask the least informed person. “Keuchel is hitting the DL with an illness.” “Aren’t you the janitor?” “Sorry, I won’t be answering any questions at this time.”
Jose Altuve – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. With a game-winning homer in the 9th, Altuve came up big — oxymoron!
Lance McCullers – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.58, after losing a no-hitter in the 7th. I feel a bit like McCullers is walking between the raindrops and those raindrops are coming from a giant hurricane named, “Disabled List,” but even when it looks like McCullers is going to get wet, he schooches inside a raindrop and rides it like a bubble in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory and, yes, this is one sentence, but McCullers just makes me so happy.
Salvador Perez – Out with a sprained thumb. Day to day for baseball, out indefinitely for thumb wrestling.
Kelvin Herrera – 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA up to 5.55. I was pleasantly surprised to see Joakim Soria available in all of my leagues. I mean, the Royals haven’t outright said Herrera is the dog food that you accidentally eat and think it’s pâté, but he is dog food that you accidentally eat, right? Does anyone own Herrera and not have a perma-wince?
Matt Andriese – Will return from the DL on Saturday. Yay, my favorite streamer is returning. I look forward to streaming him to great success, or streaming him to not-such-great-success in one start and never streaming him again, until I’ve mentally blocked or forgotten that one bad stream. I’ve actually just described 96% of all pitchers.
Derek Norris – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 6th and 7th homer, hitting .200. In one league — it’s deep, but it’s still a league — I owned Norris for the last two months. Just put him in there and ignored the position. You know what’s coming. Invariably, it always happens. I just dropped him yesterday. Now’s the point where I laugh into the fetal position.
Kevin Kiermaier – Hurt himself sliding into first base, and was seen on crutches after the game. Too bad no one’s ever said don’t slide into 1st base. I’m pretty sure an 8-year-old could tell you two things: 1. Don’t save used gum in your pocket. 2. Don’t slide into first.
Colby Rasmus – 1-for-1 with his 8th homer, because: short schedule day. If Kiermaier is out for a while, Rasmus might get an increase in playing time. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy, but he’s here now.
Peter Bourjos – 2-for-4, 2 runs and a slam (3) and legs (3), hitting .217. His last name from French roughly translates to “Bore the crap out of youse.”
Avisail Garcia – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .330 and his 2nd homer in three games. Damn, they’re gonna stop calling him Mini Miggy, and start calling Miguel Cabrera — Caddie Avisail. The Mini there is the car, right? Am I messing that up? You’re looking at me like I’m not wearing pants.
Todd Frazier – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .206. This was his 5th homer in the last ten games. Frazier’s so hot and in the zone Al Gore’s got a slideshow of him labeled global warming.
David Price – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.29. How’s that working out, that whole “my pitching is going to come together once I get Price back?” I couldn’t have been more vocal about telling people to avoid Price, and then to sell him right before he returned.
Gary Sanchez – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 7th and 8th homers. Well, la di da! I’m totally provoking him to be good, aren’t I? Damn, can I provoke other guys like this? Hey, Odor, you stink! Anything? A heartbeat, dude?
Michael Pineda – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.39. Lots of questions about whether to start Pineda yesterday. I get it, it was the Red Sox, and Pineda was coming off a poor start, but ya gotta start your guys. Pineda’s one of your guys. A guy like, say, Jeremy Hellickson, he’s not one of your guys. You especially don’t bench your guys at home.
Johnny Cueto – 5 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.33. Damn, this guy is yawnstipating. As someone who owns both Cueto and Samardzija, let me just say, Samardzija is so much more exciting to own. Sure, sometimes that excitement is like bungee jumping from a perch that reads, “9 out of 10 times this bungee is not going to snap.”
Eduardo Nunez – 2-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 15th and 16th steals, hitting .298. Okay, picture The Convent, then picture Harvey Keitel in Bad Lieutenant then–actually, don’t picture that. Abel Ferrara, you sick bastard!
Mark Melancon – 1 IP, 2 ER and the blown save, ERA up to 3.12 Maybe the San Fran area should just steer clear from any guy whose last name starts with M and rhymes with Hanson.
Joe Panik – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .255. Fun fact! Joe Panik’s family name was originally Panik! with an exclamation, but they dropped it at Ellis Island to assimilate.
Eric Thames – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 16th homer. Suspiciously, before this game, his urine tasted like lemon-lime Gatorade.
Eric Sogard – 3-for-5, 2 runs, and his 3rd homer, hitting .414, as he hit leadoff. Laura Holt of Razzball and Remington Steele fame, just gave you her Eric Sogard fantasy. There, she said, “I’m cheating…on…someone…bought him….for the potential fantasy….” Whoa! I either poorly pulled quotes or she’s trying to tell us something.
Patrick Corbin – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 5.38. I refused to stream Corbin (like someone was twisting my arm), and he was going against the Padres, so that should explain everything you need to know.
Chris Iannetta – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 7 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .239 as he hit out of the two-hole. I legit think he hit 2nd because the Diamondbacks were playing the Padres and the DBacks wanted to see how awful a lineup they could run out there and still win. Turns out all they needed was Iannetta.
Daniel Descalso – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .228. Resist urge to point out Descalso is doing as well as Odor. Resist, Grey, resist. They will try to tear you down. Resist.
Jose Pirela – 2-for-4 as he hit leadoff. Someone should start a Formula One team with Pirela and Ezequiel Carrera. Any hoo! Pirela is a low upside, decent floor guy for NL-Only leagues if he sticks at leadoff. Don’t ask about him in mixed leagues, for the love of Giancarlo, don’t ask about him in mixed leagues.
Matt Carpenter – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .216, and his 2nd homer in as many game. Too bad Lenny Dykstra already took the perfect nickname for Carpenter.
Mike Leake – 5 IP, 2 ER, 12 baserunners, ERA at 2.81. He’s given up 12 runs in the last 18 2/3 IP. Leake’s sprung a, uh, um, whizz? The thesaurus failed me there, didn’t it?
Joey Votto – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting .300. Not to sound all Tim McCarver-ey, but Votto is such a professional hitter. In the movie of his life, he should be played by Jean Reno and Jose Peraza is played by a 12-year-old Natalie Portman. True story: In my phone contacts, I have Cougs listed as Natalie Portman, so when my wife calls it says Natalie Portman is calling. Is that weird?
Scooter Gennett – 2-for-4, 1 RBI. He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but, of course, he will otherwise I’ll get hate mail from Mark Whiten. Ain’t got time for bird sex, and ain’t got time for hate mail from Mark Whiten.
Scott Feldman – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.09. Yes, I should’ve drafted Feldman over John Lackey. *hols up boombox playing Peter Gabriel’s In Your Eyes, steps into bathtub*
Tyler Chatwood – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.37. Not in Coors, but it was Wrigley. C’mon, Bud’s got that Black magic and you need some voodoo that he do. When guys like Gerrit and Cueto and you name ’em are looking bad, I’m about to take the reins off all Rockies starters and stream them everywhere, home and away! Stream-o-Nator is gonna be shook.
DJ LeMahieu – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .277. Pretty bleh year so far — LeMEHieu — but a guy hitting at the top of the Rockies’ lineup would really need to try to be unproductive.
Jon Lester – 5 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.13. This is gonna be blasphemous to some, but is Lester that much better than the random Rockie starter? I know, I know, it sounds crazy, but is it?
Kyle Hendricks – Hit the DL with hand tendinitis. Well, the Cubs are not due to win it all again for another 107 years, so he has time to recoup.
Addison Russell – Being investigated for domestic abuse. On a serious note, A) I’m glad baseball is cracking down on domestic abuse. I thought Addison Russell was just a piece of shit for fantasy teams, but it goes way deeper. B) There’s been something like five instances a year of domestic abuse, so how many freakin’ assholes were abusing their significant other before the last two-year crackdown? Was this worst than 90’s steroids before they cracked down? Jesus Christopher Ramirez, hit the ball with the bat! The ball! C) There’s no C.
