Jazz Hands The Astros Two Rat-A-Tat-Tats And A Stolen Be-Bop-A-Base

“He missed May.” That’s the note I have Post-It’d next to the name Jazz Chisholm Jr. in my brain. Yesterday, he went 3-for-4, 3 RBIs with a double slam (27, 28) and legs (26), as he hits .243. The counting stats are weak-ish; for some reason he’s hitting 7th, but a 30/30 season is hard to argue with, and again, back to my note, “He missed May.” When the end comes, and he’s sitting at 30/30 in 125 games, added with someone you got off waivers, you got everything you needed when you drafted him. If I summon Mr. Prorater, he’s going to come crashing through that wall that I just recently plastered over from when I summoned him to prorate Oneil Cruz’s huge April. You forgot that happened? It feels like a lifetime ago? I know, believe me, I know. But if I summon Mr. P., he’ll tell you Jazz is a healthy season away from sniffing 40/40, but I know, “He missed May,” it’s everywhere I look when I talk about him, and that Post-It is covering another Post-It that reads, “He always misses a month. At least.” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Trent Grisham – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 29th homer. Like a magician who shows the audience his top hat is empty before pulling out a rabbit, Grisham showed the crowd he wasn’t hitting in the leadoff spot and still homered.

Max Fried – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.98. That’s great! I’m super happy for him! Emoji that is smiling so hard its dimples are crying.

Framber Valdez – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.40. The Valdez oil spill did less damage than this start. Framber did a move yesterday that I hadn’t seen in a while. He was so mad at his catcher for calling the Grisham grand slam pitch that on the very next pitch, he ignored the sign and threw a fastball, mixing him up, and hitting his catcher right in the chest. In related news, I bet Yainer catches Framber next time.

Nick Lodolo – Scratched with an illness. A scratching illness?! Is that the dreaded Poison Ivy?!

Austin Hays – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 13th homer, 2nd homer in two games. If he homers, he is a hot schmotato until the IL stint hits. That’s the Austin Hays promise.

TJ Friedl – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 11th homer. “August 3rd.” That was me guessing the last time he homered. Was close! July 25th.

George Springer – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 25th and 26th homer. [long shadow on the wall] Are you doing hand puppets? [long shadow turns the corner] NOOO!!! Zombino!!!

Bo Bichette – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 18th homer, 2nd homer in as many games. Homeboy’s gonna have one of  the worst seasons known to man next year after I draft him.

Daulton Varsho – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 17th homer, 2nd homer in two games, nine homers since August 1st, and hitting around .255 in that time. Okay, the last bit about average wasn’t a selling point, but the other stuff was.

Jeff Hoffman – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 4.94, and his 30th save. Sid & Nancy had less loyalty to each other than John Schneider and Hoffman.

Lourdes Gurriel Jr. – Out with a torn ACL. If only that stood for Austin City Limits.

Ketel Marte – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 25th homer, 2nd homer in two games, hitting .292. LMFAO watching Ketel, “Shot, shot, shot!” LMFAO is a very new reference too, by the way.

Nabil Crismatt – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.14. He’s 30 with some of the worst peripherals you’ve seen and less than 200 career MLB innings and he’s sitting here with barely a 2.00 ERA and I have Sonny Gray sucking up the suck joint.

Taylor Rashi – 2 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 1.80. Did the DBacks make some kind of tie-in deal with Curry In A Hurry that when Nabil starts, Rashi has to end it?

Chris Paddack – 1 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.37. Was moved to the pen. “Moved to the pen” sounds like when aunt used to write Campbell’s soup saying every letter wasn’t represented in their alphabet soup. My aunt could pitch better than Paddack.

Jesse Winker – Shut down from baseball activities. Damn, he can’t even adjust his cup? I’ll be honest, I didn’t know he was still playing.

Juan Soto – 2-for-4, 2 runs and a slam (37) and legs (27). Sexy Dr. Pepper deserves an apology from everyone who rostered him in the 1st half of the season and complained. I will accept his apologies and pass them along.

Pete Alonso – 2-for-5 and his 32nd and 33rd homer. Albombso-so!

Luis Torrens – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (5) and legs (1). Fun fact! In the early 00’s, he was known as Luis Limewire.

Nolan McLean – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.37. Was watching this start and he gave up two early runs and I was dreading how to relate to you that he was unlucky and looked really good, so I’m glad he straightened his own shizz out and wasn’t relying on me.

Shohei Ohtani – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 46th homer. This was his 100th homer as a Dodgers, not this year, because he’s hit 46, I literally just said that.

Andy Pages – 1-for-4 and his 24th homer. Crazy what a relevation he’s been for me this year and he’s hitting 7th for the Dodgers behind Michael Conforto’s corpse. RIP, but playing corpses isn’t cool, Dave Roberts.

Clayton Kershaw – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.28. Kershaw throwing that poorly vs. the Pirates is the Danny Glover “I’m too old for this shizz” of pitching lines.

Jeremiah Jackson – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. There’s no hotter schmotato right now in all of baseball. You need to get in on the Jeremiah hot streak. Jeremiah was a bullfrog, and he’s giving me RBIets!

Yu Darvish – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 5.75. Age comes for us all. Even Yu.

Rafael Devers – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 30th homer, 3rd homer in three games. Mentioned this when Pasquantino was hot, but it’s something how a top 75 overall player only needs one great stretch to justify his cost, but Devers, who’s now had two great stretches this year (one back in Beantown), is justifying his top 50 cost. Three great stretches and it justifies a top 25 cost? I don’t know, I’m playing around with the idea. Any hoo! At the end of the year, if it’s 35 homer, 115 RBIs? Can’t argue with it, he’s managed to overcome my hate all year and justify his cost. He really does get crazy hot and cold though, but better yet it seems like his shoulder ailment from last year was left in Boston with his obstinance about picking up a glove.

Hunter Goodman – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 27th homer. How dogshizz is Goodman gonna be next year? Do you dare get on a Rockies player the year after they’re good? You’re crazy if you do.

Nathaniel Lowe – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 18th homer. Lowe and behold greatness! (Said no one about Nathaniel.)

Ceddanne Rafaela – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 16th homer. He appeared recently in the outfielders who suck article by Disco Stu, and everyone in that article hit way too close to home. Disco Stu out there cutting onions under my eyes.

Garrett Crochet – 6 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 2.67. Oh, yeah, Manfred absolutely moved the bouncy balls into circulation in preparation for the playoffs. Homering off Crochet was Austin Hedges (2-for-4) his 4th; Brayan Rocchio (2-for-4, 3 RBIs) his 4th; David Fry (1-for-4, 2 RBIs) his 7th and the recently recalled, Jhonkensy Noel (3-for-4, 2 runs) his 3rd. A freakin’ Happy Noel to no one rostering Crochet.

Slade Cecconi – 5 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.78. Cecconi’s, a neighborhood meatball fest.

Cade Smith – 0 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.41. From Slade to Cade, the story of why I threw my computer out the window.

James Wood – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 27th homer, hitting .258. Thank you, Fantasy Baseball Overlord! Please let Wood become a Septactular sparkler for a few weeks.

Cade Cavalli – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.85. Even if the Streamonator liked him (it won’t), I wouldn’t touch him. Maybe at some point in his career I’ll be a fan, but not now.

Cal Raleigh – 1-for-4 and his 51st homer. He hit that in Big Stein, so The Big Hein meets the Big Stein.

Jorge Polanco – 2-for-2, 2 runs and his 23rd homer. Feel like I say this for JoPo once a week, but he’s been so undervalued this year that he’s still available in some leagues, and he’s been valuable for most of the year.

Julio Rodriguez – 1-for-4 and his 27th homer. Home run number one of 10 for him in September. Nine more!

Junior Caminero – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 40th homer, and 100 RBIs. He’s 12 years old! He’s so young his name is Junior!

Drew Rasmussen – 5 IP, 3 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.74. In October, the Rays’ front office is gonna be like, “You shut down Rasmussen in July right?” Awkward pause. Umm.

Kyle Tucker – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 22nd homer, but left with calf tightness, which will knock him out Wednesday. Oh, okay. So that sidelines him but not a fractured finger?

Shota Imanaga – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.15. Opened up his player page expecting to find a guy who’s been struggling but his ERA in August was 2.65, so, yeah, ignore me. Me being this blurb. Hello, I am Mr. Blurb. I am your father.

Ozzie Albies – 2-for-4 and his 14th homer. If he passes Gunnar Henderson in homers, I will never draft Gunnar again.

Jo Adell – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 32nd homer, and 2nd homer in two games. It’s interesting how Adell took 17 years to breakout, but he’s still only 26. He could legitimately have another great six to seven years.

Mitch Farris – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks in his 1st MLB start. He had a 4+ ERA in Double-A, so save Farris for someone else.

Michael Lorenzen – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.54. Streamonator predicted a line of 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks. Two more baserunners and an extra K! C’mon, robot!

Simeon Woods Richardson – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.53. These two things are unrelated but why is it since SWR had a solid game vs. the White Sox, I’m now scared about streaming Zebby? I’m A Beautiful Mind’ing it over here seeing patterns on windows where there’s nothing.

Lenyn Sosa – 1-for-5 and his 19th homer. So sad how much better in power he is than Gunnar.

Andrew Benintendi – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 16th and 17th homer. And now passed Gunnar too. The good news is I reset in October and forget all about how awful Gunnar was. Like a Men In Black mind eraser is swooshed in front of me.

Kyle Teel – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 5th homer. That’s in just under 185 at-bats. Hmm, I thought that would sound more impressive. He’s a ten-homer hitter prorated. Lowercase yay!

Ivan Herrera – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, and 2nd homer in two games, and third homer in a week. It’s not his third homer this week. It’s his third homer in the last seven games. Is that clear? I feel like this is something I should’ve said 15 years ago.

Luis Severino – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.65 as he was activated from the IL. Didn’t trust him coming into this game, but shows you the power of prayer. I prayed the Cards would continue to be terrible; you’re welcome. That actually brings up a good question. If I pray something happens, and it does, are you thankful to Him or me for praying on it? Feel like I should get at least part of the “Atta boy.”