In the biz, we call this post, In Appreciation. It’s like In Memoriam, but Jennifer Hudson isn’t singing a song and no one died. What did you just ask? Is your childhodd guinea pig alive again because I just said, ‘No one died?’ Doode, I’m saying no one died in general. No, that doesn’t mean General Tsao is alive again! Shut up! Yesterday, Javier Baez went 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs with his 31st homer, hitting .295. That day? For this year? As the pimp told his lady of the night, ho-hum. But, five ladies and gentlemen, Javier Baez is your NL MVP if only Cubs fans vote! By the by, Baez has more 100 RBI seasons in his career than Bryce Harper. I will now drop a 140 WUT. How about we make every post the rest of the year about how much Bryce sucks? Worst 35-homer hitter in the history of baseball ever? Okay, that’s prolly Adam Dunn, but Bryce is real close for useless. When the Nats need a big hit, he Ks or walks. When the game is out of reach and no one is on? Harper’s you’re man. Okay, this is becoming about Harper instead of Baez. On the year, Baez has 31 HRs, 21 SBs, .295 and 90/100 on the runs/RBIs. On our Player Rater, he is teetering between 5th and 6th overall. For 2019, I’m having a hard time envisioning me ranking him any lower than 10th overall, and likely much closer to top five. Now, about that sucker Harper… Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Pedro Strop – 1 2/3 IP, 0 ER, and the win, ERA at 2.26, but injured his hamstring while running the bases, because, of course, he was running the bases. Why wouldn’t your closer be running the bases? You think Ed Gein just started making lampshades out of human faces? Nah, he had to make nightlights first. Believe that! I’d guess Steve Cishek is the replacement; Carl Edwards Jr. might also see looks, but he hasn’t been great recently.
Spencer Kieboom – 1-for-2 and his 2nd homer in the last three games, and 2nd in his career. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because his name is Spencer Kieboom, but not Spencer KIEBOOM! How do you have the last name Kieboom and not go with all caps? Okay, not the reason he’s not in the Buy column, it’s because he’s a catcher and he sold his television rights to TNT.
Joe Ross – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 0 Ks as he returned from Tommy John surgery. Ya know what’s unfortunate? Tommy John’s last name wasn’t elective. That would’ve changed the entire complexity of the elbow tendon surgery market. “Tommy Elective surgery? Again? Why not get a nose job like Jon Niese while you’re at it? I mean, I had some of the contours of my body adjusted by having my love handles frozen off, but these pitchers are ridiculous!” That’s you sitting on your high horse, which you’ve named SJP, for Sarah Jessica Pony. Any hoo! Ross returned in less time than Jimmy Nelson, who had shoulder surgery, in case you’re wondering about Sean Manaea. There’s a real chance I’m fairly gung ho, Michael Keaton, about Ross next year, then in 2020, he’s Patrick Corbin. For this year, a streamer.
Stephen Piscotty – 1-for-4 and his 24th homer. He’s not in this afternoon’s Buy column. Piscotty doesn’t know why, but he thinks it’s because Grey it’s sure if he’s owned in 50% or more of leagues.
Dylan Bundy – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 5.48. Between innings, Bundy makes a habit of writing letters to NL East teams, saying, “Trade for me so I can be Cy Young.”
Clay Buchholz – Scratched due to a stiff elbow. It’s puzzling to me that someone would say to the devil, “I will sell my soul for the best year of my career, but you can end our agreement two weeks before the season ends,” but here we are.
Nolan Arenado – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 34th homer, and 3rd this week. In my attic, I found the original liner notes for “Come Together,” explaining it is about Lennon and McCartney masturbating together. I will place this by my open window–NOOOOOO!!! Torenado!!!
Trevor Story – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 33rd homer. I heard some ‘perts elsewhere asking Benintendi or Story for next year? Who you want first? Does anyone want Benintendi? Literally, anyone. Please comment below. You will not be ridiculed, I’d just like to hear why.
Kyle Freeland – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.96. Can’t really fault a guy who has a sub-3 ERA, and even better in Coors, and whose reliever gave up an inherited run like this, “Let Freeland stick– F*ck! Almonte? That was quick. F*ck! Let Freeland stick– F*ck! Almonte? That was quick. F*ck!” New Kanye? No? You’re better off.
Austin Gomber – 3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.78. What a breathing pile of horsecrap. My pitcher is such a THOT — That Horsecrap Over There. I guess I’m the frickin’ goober who started Gomber. *smacks head* Be better!
Manny Machado – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 35th homer, and 10th homer on the Dodgers. All the Dodgers could’ve asked for. They didn’t know to ask for him to drive Dave Roberts to Rancho Cucamonga with no money and leave him there. “I left my wallet in El Segundo and I gotta manage the Dodgers, I gotta manage the Dodgers.” That’s Dave Roberts in my dream scenerio.
Jake Cave – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. If it was earlier in the year, I would’ve put a monocle on a cyclops for Cave to see what I could say about him. What’s to say about Cave now? Strikes out way too much, but does have some pop. Also, when he’s on deck, announcers should say, “Here comes Cave, stick drawing.”
Eduardo Rodriguez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.53. It was a long time ago, and there were some challenging moments along the way like Johnny Bananas being teamed with Tony Time, but Ed-Rod was a guy I liked in the preseason. I wouldn’t have held him through all his DL stints and mishegoss, but I do like him and will again next year. With that said (Grey’s turning the ship around!), his next matchup is not good.
J.D. Martinez – 2-for-4 and his 41st homer, hitting .330. Just Dong is about to be a Triple Crown guy, but does he win the MVP? I think he does. Do Betts and him split votes and Bregman wins? Kinda interested now that Austin Gomber has killed so many of my teams. I’ve dug myself a ditch mid-September here and it’s not looking good for your Fantasy Master Lothario. I need a prayer hexagon.
Lourdes Gurriel Jr. – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 8th homer, hitting .284. Won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because Lourdes has done very little of anything of late, but maybe this is the start of something.
Nelson Cruz – 2-for-4, 2, runs, 3 RBIs and his 36th homer, and 2nd in as many games. You know The 40-year-old Virgin? Nelson Cruz is the 40 Home Run Robot. You can’t stop him from hitting 40 homers. Elon Musk programmed him that way.
Peter O’Brien – 2-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .176. Know one thing for sure, the O in his name is not short for Out. Dude will never Peter Out. Peter O’Brien is less a prospect and more a baton one prospect writer on Razzball hands to the next. “Here ya go, man, here’s Peter O’Brien, treat him well, and don’t write about him too much, because I already have.” Is Peter O’Brien 45 years old and being played by Dennis Quaid yet?
Sandy Alcantara – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.42. Fun fact! When Mattingly pulls Alcantara from the game, he yells, “Sandy hook!” and drops trou. Those readers in Jersey will get it. Things to love about Alcantara: he throws hard (easy mid-90s MPH). Things not to like: he gets no Ks and walks people. He’s a work in progress, but he’s only 23, so there’s time.
Kyle Barraclough – 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.41. Bearclaw is ironically named because he never puts up donuts.
Michael Conforto – 3-for-8 and his 25th homer, and, like, his 34th homer this week. He’s really screwing us for 2019. Everyone who went to play fantasy football in August is going to come back in March and be like, “Hey, Grey did you get more handsome during the offseason? And can you also answer if I should draft Conforto in the top 25 overall? Thanks!”
Steven Matz – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.18. I’d use the Stream-o-Nator for him, but, on a side note, if the Mets didn’t have their worst month in franchise history in June and were .500 instead, they’d be above the Phils in the division. I know, if if’s and but’s were candy and nuts, we’d all be diabetic squirrels.
David Wright – Will be activated for the Mets’ final homestand. If only the Mets spent a third of the time on constructing a team as they did on orchestrating the left side of the infield reunion of Jose Reyes and David Wright. The Mets enjoy making their fans remember fonder times so much they should produce reunion shows for Lifetime. “Last time we saw Shannon on Snapped, she was dating a Mets fan, who kept complaining about her meatloaf whenever the Mets couldn’t score runs for deGrom, until Shannon called BS one day, drugged her boyfriend, and, while he slept, cut his Mookie Wilson tattoo off his arm. Today, we bring back Shannon and her ex-boyfriend with special guests David Wright and Jose Reyes, together again on the left side of our in-studio couch!”