Somewhere, Melissa Leo is acting out today’s title and it’s so spot on you’re not sure if you should applaud, or put your wallet in the front pocket. “I came straight from the packie because I heard you were having a sale on shamrock undergarments. Are you having a shamrock undergarment sale or not?” That’s Melissa Leo acting out the title. Okay, okay, okay, guys and six girl readers and one girl writer. (She debuted yesterday; is there a female verb for that? She debutante’d yesterday? She debbie’d yesterday? She damsel’d yesterday? I’m asking, don’t roll your eyes at me like I’m a moron; I’ve had enough of that!) Chris Sale looked great yesterday (7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks), but you knew he was going to look great. You didn’t draft him in the first three rounds for him to look like hot garbage under Pablo Sandoval’s ass. Or, rather, you didn’t not draft him in the first three rounds because I told you not to. But you know who looked as good in Fenway? Jameson Taillon (7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks). He doesn’t miss a huge number of bats — will average around 7.7 K/9 — but his control is masterful. He will have around a 1.7 BB/9, if not lower. When a guy has a difference of six between his K/9 and BB/9 great things can happen, and Taillon will be no different. I’m not sure if he’ll get all the way to 190+ IP this year, but he had a 3.38 ERA last year, and I’m ready for around the same this year, if not better. Like Melissa Leo would say, “This guy is fahkin spacktackulure.” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Mookie Betts – Out with the flu. Wonder if he got it while flying, cause then it would be ironic.
Drew Pomeranz – Likely for a start on Sunday. The PA announcer will be sure to blow dust off “Who Let The Dogs Out?” for the start.
Sandy Leon – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer, a game-winner over the Green Monster. Leon’s hitting .625 so far this year, but his BABIP is 4,000,000. Don’t ask how.
Stephen Piscotty – Passed concussion tests with flying colors. But doctors couldn’t answer why he was seeing peacocks.
Desmond Jennings – Mets signed him to a minor league deal. Well, Desmond believed it to be a minor league deal, but it was really a deal to harvest his elbow tendons.
Jacob deGrom – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. Bartolo Colon – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks. This matchup of Jacob and Bartolo was billed as “Jake and the Fat Man.”
Jay Bruce – 3-for-5 and his 1st home run. Member way back two days ago when a bunch of teams had Opening Day and I was like, “Guccifer 2.0 hacked MLB again and we got all kinds of homers?!” Yeah, there was no offense yesterday.
Jason Motte – Released by the Rockies. If you can’t pitch for the Rockies? Next stop, Korean baseball leagues!
Nick Franklin – Brewers claimed him off of waivers. They essentially traded Scooter Gennett as backup utility guy for Franklin. Sounds a bit like a Mitch Albom book, A Scooter for Franklin.
Eric Thames – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. Now will be the test for Craig Counsell. When he holds the pencil in a really weird manner making out the lineup card next, will he stick with Thames?
Travis Shaw – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st home run. No idea if it’s schmotato or approach change, but Shaw is hitting the Guatemalan yarn out of the baseball in the early going.
Jonathan Villar – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. When I saw Rudy picked Villar as his ‘Most likely to bust’ player, I really wanted to draft Villar, but it was too late by that point.
Danny Salazar – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks. Meh. As long as he’s healthy, and challenging Carrasco to a contest of “Who will give up the most 1st inning runs this year?” It’s fine.
Francisco Lindor – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and a double slam (1, 2) and legs (1) with the second slam being a grand slam to win the game. In the post-game interview, Lindor kept talking about a fifth inning error that would’ve cost the Indians the game, then the reporters looked around and were like, “We have to go back to a Budget Inn and FaceTime with our bratty kids, can we celebrate for you?”
Delino DeShields – 0-for-2 as he led off. Maybe it’s because he’s hurt me so many times I can’t help but feel like he’s going to be benched again in his next game. Maybe there is something to the nickname Oaktown Steve gave him, The Dentist (ya know DDS), because every time I see him I flinch from past experiences.
Nomar Mazara – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st home run. Mezuzah!
Elvis Andrus – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. Who saw the finale to Big Little Lies on Sunday? Why wasn’t anyone dressed as Elvis Andrus?
Sam Dyson – 1/3 IP, 5 ER, and has given up eight runs in his first two appearances. Jeanmar Gomez is even pointing and laughing like Nelson Muntz. Rangers manager Jeff Banister has already started the delicate fine-line walking of every manager who is about to remove a closer from the role. “He’s been great for us!” “He’s been with us so long!” “He’s just struggling.” It’s like a Zagat’s Guide for bad closers. I’d grab Matt Bush and Jeremy Jeffress, one of them could be closing by Sunday.
Charlie Morton – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. Wow, how about this new Morton, huh? Almost as amazing as last year’s Juan Nicasio. Or this year’s Jharel Cotton.
George Springer – 2-for-7, 5 RBIs and his 2nd home run. Now if he can get a few 35-foot leads off first, he’ll be on his way to a 30/20 season.
James Paxton – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks. Bummed I don’t have Paxton in any leagues, but I have Tehol in one league, so hopefully he acquires Paxton and accidentally drops him.
Rich Hill – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, leaving after 75 pitches. Was too engrossed with Sniglets in the dugout and didn’t come out for the 6th.
Yasiel Puig – 2-for-3 and his 1st homer. When Puig lets one fly!
Hunter Renfroe – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. A towering blast in Dodger Stadium to left-center. Or as left-center is known in LA, ‘I’m left on social issues, but center fiscally and on Israel.’
Mike Pelfrey – Signed a minor league deal with the White Sox. Pelfrey’s been down so long his ERA look up near-five to me. It look up near-five to me. I got fake baseball players showin’ fake love to me. Sorry, was listening to Drake.
Dan Straily – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER. Luckily, I benched him in one deep league where I own him, but this brings me to my point. When will I feel confident in starting Straily?
J.T. Realmuto – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st home run. He’s a catcher, so yay, but semi-related: Mattingly was thrown out of the game yesterday. You really have to pick your spots to get thrown out now that we have instant replay, so bravo to Mattingly. I know why he was thrown, but I like to think he was arguing with a TV camera. Please don’t ruin that visual for others.
Blake Treinen – 1 IP, 1 ER. Please don’t give Dusty a reason to remove you from the role. I can’t handle anymore of Dusty’s indecision.
Ryan Zimmerman – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 1st home run. Over/under on homers until his first 10-day DL? 7 HRs? 5 HRs? 9 HRs?
Taijuan Walker – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks. Leave it to Taijuan to give us a start that is not qualitatively good or bad. It’s sorta like his entire career. He’s good! Dot dot dot. I think.
Chris Owings – 2-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI and two steals. Hey, Owings, wanna do me a favor and put on a DeShields uniform? I have a fantasy I wanna live out.
Brandon Belt – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 1st homer. I’m convinced he could hit 12 homers in April and still finish with less than 20 homers on the year.
Brandon Finnegan – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners (1 Hit), 9 Ks. I’m the first guy to disregard how much players actually know about themselves. I mean, some do, that’s no doubt, but I think a lot of them say they’ve made adjustments and never do. I’m also the first one to disregard post-All Star break numbers, but I’m buying the combination of both for Finnegan. He says he made adjustments and had a 2.93 ERA in the 2nd half last year. That’s good enough for me, I’m buying it and him.
Joey Votto – 1-for-3 and his 1st home run. He must’ve wanted to hit a home run. Ya know, because Votto does whatever he wants with the bat. He also wants to be hitting .143.
Raisel Iglesias – 1 IP, 0 ER and 1st save. I forget, did we know he was the closer? Well, he is. Don’t think the Reds are gonna win a lot of games this year, but Raisel is still ownable. Church.
Jerad Eickhoff – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. For those who wanted no part of him, and for those who want to shorten his name to Jer-khoff, take that!
Michael Pineda – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER. This guy is such an assFIP.
Jacoby Ellsbury – 3-for-4 and his 1st home run. I feel like I say this every year in April, but it’s worth repeating for those drinking from the wrong side of the glass. Veteran players seem to come out of the gate hotter, then as the season wears on them, they cool off.
Alex Cobb – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks. First time I’ve had any measure of confidence in Cobb since he returned from Tommy John about two years ago. He was once a low-end number one fantasy starter and he’s only 29 years old.
Corey Dickerson – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, as he hit leadoff. He was red hot in the spring, and it’s stayed that way. Hot schmotato alert!
Jharel Cotton – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER. Angels made soft-ass toilet paper out of Cotton.
Garrett Richards – Left yesterday’s game with an arm injury. Garrett Richards’ Dolphin Stem Cell Injection Surgery 0, Tommy John Surgery too high a number to count.
Byron Buxton – 1-for-5. He got an infield single! Which means, incredibly, he actually made contact with the ball! Like, real live contact. I know! Crazy! Also, one of his three strikeouts was only two wild swings and a foul bunt. My man is making weak contact!
Max Kepler – 1-for-4, 1 run. Didn’t look nearly as bad as Buxton. Did he look as good as, say, a top 100 overall player? Let’s not push it. He was batting second, so baby steps, Bob. Baby steps.
Miguel Sano – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs. Can you tell I watched the Twins game? This is a gif of Sano’s triple. This was the 2nd time in the game Sano seemed to get jammed and knocked the ball about 400+ feet. The other one ended up as a warning track flyout. Doode can flat beast aka DCFB.
Eduardo Escobar – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer. He got the start over Jorge Polanco, and made good use of the playing time. Smart guy, I will call him, Dot-Edu.
Adam Jones – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer as he bats in the two hole. Hey, at least he’s not batting leadoff. Yes, I just jinxed his RBIs. My b.
Chris Davis – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. He will now proceed to hit fifteen homers in the next seventeen days before going 0-for-176. What, the crystal ball just got out of the shop. Took it for a little spin.
Dylan Bundy – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks. I’ll say it for you, sonavabench! Bundy held the Jays down for the seven count yesterday. Some pitchers need to take the next step this year. Betting on a former top prospect isn’t a bad way to go.
J.A. Happ – 7 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks. Do you think his first name is Jay, but he knows people in Toronto are gonna add an ‘eh’ onto it anyway? Deep Thoughts with Grey Albright.
Roberto Osuna – Pitching coach, Pete Walker, said Osuna threw from flat ground. Oh, no, Pete Walker is a flat earther!
