I wonder if Jake Smolinski had a sister that put out in high school. I could’ve swore I hooked up with an Eva Smolinski after her friend Dawn rejected me. Were my Cavariccis cuffed a little too high for you, Dawn? My B.U.M. Equipment sweatshirt too faded? I still hate you! Well, enough about me! *smacks self* Get a grip, man! Smolinski is hitting .408, and crushing pink cookies in a plastic bag since his call up, going 4-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI yesterday. The Rangers are like a prisoner with a life sentence (no offense to some of our readers; I believe you’re innocent!). Rangers have nothing but time on their hands to play their guys. Is Smolinski anything but a hot schmotato? God, no, but no one is this late in the year. I’d grab him if you need a hot bat, and who doesn’t? Dawn apparently! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Ron Washington – Announced that he resigned from the Rangers due to his infidelity to his wife. It’s not infidelity if you’re selling your body for drugs. Everyone knows that.
Rougned Odor – 2-for-5, 1 run. Smolinski and Odor sound like they go together like pees and poops. Hey, Odor, Smellinski you later!
Ryan Rua – 2-for-4, 1 RBI. Fun fact! Rua drives baristas crazy at Starbucks when he’s spelling his name by adding an ellipsis. “R-U-A…WHAT?! I quit!” That’s a barista losing it.
Sonny Gray – 5 IP, 4 ER, ERA up to 3.28. Around this time last year, the A’s team anthem was Doing the Bernie. This year it’s Self-Destruction by the Stop the Violence Movement. Best supergroup ever? Tight race between them and The West Coast Rap All-Stars. My boy, Sonny, is obviously limping to the finish line and I’d drop him even if he gets a potentially resting Angels club next time out.
Shane Greene – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks and really looking forward to Rosh Hashanah! Oh, wait, that’s Shawn Green. Unless Shane converted for the jokes. Stream-o-Nator doesn’t love Greene’s next start and I could go either way on it, since the O’s might be in playoff-mode, which is to say not playing.
Derek Jeter – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer. Know why a 40-year-old guy who has four homers has started every day even though he hasn’t been good in years? Re2pect. R-E-Two-P-E-C-T!
R.A. Dickey – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks. His ERA is down to 3.82, which would’ve been awesome in 1998, but now that’s like a 5.40 ERA. You suck, Dickey!
Jose Bautista – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 33rd homer. I projected him for 35 homers, so I’m pretty much right again. Handsome and smart? Double threat, Grey. Now lick your finger, touch yourself and listen for the sizzle. Sorry, I’ve been taking these positive thinking courses at the University of Phoenix.
Anthony Rizzo – Missed another game yesterday. Lowercase yay. Glad I put him in my weekly league lineup!
Tsuyoshi Wada – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA down to 3.22. I’d say I’m so excited about Wada for next year, but I ain’t no Pointer Sister and I’m not that excited. He’s rounding into a Kuroda clone, which is not raycess at all. I mean, he’s safe, but a tad boring. Like an Asian in the sack. Now that is raycess!
Jorge Soler – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs, hitting .368. Puig who?! Don’t even say it, Random Italicized Voice. What? I’m busy trying to make heads or tails of The Honorable Woman finale.
Zack Greinke – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA up to 2.76 vs. the Cubs. Weird game to trip him up, and even weirder game to be happening in September. Nice scheduling, MLB, way to pit non-division rivals at each other. Almost as brilliant as the Oakland/Philly series that’s happening this weekend. Nap Lajoie’s Ghost is pounding his bizarrely small glove in anticipation!
Yasiel Puig – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. Coming on a bit as of late, but, and I’m going off memory here, didn’t he have as many counting stats as he has this year as he had in two months last year?
Juan Uribe – 2-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI. Uribe says, “I don’t need no stinkin’ Coors!” I think you mean a skunked beer.
Rusney Castillo – Sat out yesterday, because the Red Sox want to ease him in. He’s not a new pair of shoes or really even a rookie. He’s 27 years old, just play him!
Daniel Nava – 2-for-4. I threw him in the Buy column that’s coming later today, with so many caveats, you’d think I was chewing on Gobstoppers like a baller! Not enough people end sentences with ‘like a baller.’ Just a general observation about society.
Starling Marte – 2-for-4, and his 13th homer. I’m gonna be all in on this schmohawk next year, thinking he can shoot up to a 2nd rounder for 2016. I make hitter rankings, my fans they can’t wait, they write me letters, tell me I’m great.
Gerrit Cole – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA down to 3.85. I’m sure he’ll turn it on at some point in his career, but, from what I’ve seen so far, I’m kinda um-yeah-whatever on him. His next start is decent per the Stream-o-Nator so I would hold him, if I had him.
Danny Salazar – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA down to 4.02. Well, at this point, feel free to keep your ERA over 4 for the season. We don’t need any lookie-loos getting their peepers on Salazar next year.
Michael Bourn – 1-for-5. Briefly had an inside the park home run in the ninth, but according to someone on Twitter the ball got stuck in the wall pudding, and Bourn was called back out for a ground rule double. I’m guessing that person meant wall padding, not pudding, but it’s strange times we live in.
Jose Ramirez – 3-for-6, 2 runs. Somebody’s a .500 hitter (if every game went 13 innings, you messed up, Doubleday).
Jake Marisnick – 2-for-4, 1 RBI and his 11th steal, and 5 steals in the last eleven games. If you need SAGNOF, get to it, young prematurely bald man.
Chad Qualls – 2/3 IP, 0 ER and the blown save. I don’t know, I have Josh Fields tossing the ball to the bullpen catcher on my fantasy team, waiting to get in the game.
Ender Inciarte – 2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs. That’s why I held him for a week? Eff it in the coolie, he’s got three more games in Coors. Let’s see three cherries, slot machine!
Addison Reed – 2/3 IP, 2 ER, and his 6th blown save, moving his record to 1-7 and his ERA to 4.40. Still not as bad as Joe Nathan! Though, he has an outside chance of getting there. Just a wee bit more sucking — that’s what she said never! Huh? Reed should be replaced, but there’s not even anyone worthwhile to replace him and the Diamondbacks don’t see enough saves to make it relevant. Saves ain’t got no face, but Reed’s wearing a Shrek mask with mashed potatoes on his head and looks fugly as hell.
Jordan Pacheco – 2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs. Damn, almost grabbed him for the batty call, but nope. Close but no cigar, as anyone who’s ever stood within five feet of Monica Lewinsky has said for the last 15 years. *Lewinsky steps on an elevator* Frat Guy, “Close but no cigar.” Him and his buddies giggle. She sighs.
Michael Cuddyer – 3-for-5, 3 runs and his 8th homer. He has four homers each at home and on the road, so the splits aren’t killing him. They’re just tearing his hamstrings.
Wilin Rosario – 4-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer. His bat is starting to heat up, hitting near-.450 in the last week with two homers in the last three games. Just think how long ago his bat would’ve heated up if Weiss didn’t bench him every other game for three months.
Nolan Arenado – Could miss the rest of the season with pneumonia. I’m almost 100% sure Tulo or CarGo was the carrier of the virus. If you jack-hammered under Coors Field, how deep do you have to go before you hit a Native American graveyard? I bet you Larry Walker could find a corpse under there.
Charlie Culberson – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI as he started at 3rd base. This drunk– Excuse me, Ynoa, should be starting. but we know Weiss turns his nose up on ‘should.’
Alexi Amarista – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 2nd in the last three games. Uh-oh, Amarista’s hot! Yes, that’s how bad the Padres are. When you sincerely say one of their hitters is hot, it sounds sarcastic. Try it with someone else, uh-oh, Michael Brantley is hot! Doesn’t sound sarcastic. Now try this, uh-oh, Tommy Medica is hot! See?
Will Venable – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. If he can go 15/15 in the last 11 games, he won’t be a bust after all!
Robbie Erlin – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks. Am I the only one that wants to put an apostrophe on the end of his last name?
Kyle Lohse – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA down to 3.71. Solid performance as the Brewers fight for a .500 record. Yeah, the playoffs aren’t happening. Gotta set your eyes on realistic goals. The Stream-o-Nator loves Lohse’s next start, and I could see starting him there, definitely worth the gamble.
Shelby Miller – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA down to 3.68. How many of you saw that this game went into extra innings and naturally assumed Rosenthal blew the lead? Oh, don’t lie, y’all did.
Brad Hand – 5 IP, 5 ER. Never again will we have Hand and Dickey throwing so many times on the same day like we did this season, and not one interleague matchup. The Yanks vs. Mets was nice, Selig, but the novelty has worn off, as a nation of easily amused people, we demand a Hand/Dickey matchup.
Gio Gonzalez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA down to 3.74. Fun (not fun) with ESPN ownership numbers! Gio’s owned in 95% of leagues, Collin McHugh and his 2.66 ERA is owned in 61% of leagues.
Anthony Rendon – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 16th steal as the regulars returned to the Nats lineup. No one appeared hungover from their clinching celebration. That reminds me of loose stool the day after I drink. Maybe TMI, maybe not. Hard to say.
Taijuan Walker – He gets the Astros today and a lot of sites are saying that he’s a good start. Walker’s thrown 3 1/3 IP since September 1st. How many innings can he throw today? Maybe 6? Likely 5? Possibly 4? I like Taijuan, and not just because his mother’s name is Momjeans, but because his stuff is tremendous, but I’m not risking my fantasy teams on a guy that hasn’t been good all year and hasn’t thrown a full game in weeks.
Logan Morrison – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. He’s hitting .500 in the last week, but isn’t playing every day (or as ESPN has on their player notes, “Morrison has lost some at-bats lately to callup Justin Smoke.” Someone’s writing their player notes on an iPhone and victim of the autocorrect. Morrison’s worth grabbing for a hot bat, if you can platoon him.
Felix Hernandez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks. vs. the Angels B Squad, which I believe is a bunch of Clarences. Someone ring a bell.
Josh Hamilton – Shoulder soreness and is having trouble taking deep breaths. Doesn’t sound like he’s going to be participating in any simulated games with Ryan Zimmerman while in the pool.
Jered Weaver – Scratched from Thursday’s start due to Wednesday night’s celebration. It’s taking a lot longer to get the natural sheen look on his mullet after being doused in champagne. Member when celebrations in baseball meant something? Yeah, Selig’s ruined that too. Now teams celebrate clinching the division, winning the wild card, winning the 2nd round of the playoffs whatever that’s called, winning the pennant, winning each game of the World Series and the release of ESPN’s Nudie Issue.
