Ike Can’t Promise But Ike Can Try

Ike Davis could return next weekend.  In other words, he’s moved one step closer to the plate in Metco.  It only took him three months.  He reminds me of myself in Little League.  I was a solid .300, top of the order-type.  People would marvel at how I would never strikeout.  More Placido Polanco than Joey Votto, if those guys weren’t in Little League themselves at the time.  Then I got beaned and I lost my nerve.  Started standing five feet off the plate, not even able to reach the inside corner, and would bail out of the batter’s box as the pitcher wound up.  That led me on a journey of self-discovery through girls, drugs, the falling baseball card market, fro-yo and hip-hop.  So, I’m glad to see Ike has figured things out and won’t be joining the already overcrowded fantasy baseball blog market.  Since there’s no mention of Ike being a scared little girl (with respect to our four girl readers), I have no idea why he didn’t just move closer to the plate three months ago.  But he has now.  There’s a chance he’s just as bad on recall, but I’d absolutely take a flyer on Davis if I had room in any league.  A .255 hitter that could hit 20 homers (which he did last year in the 2nd half) in 3 months doesn’t grow on trees (except in remote parts of Indonesia).   Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Matt Harvey – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks.  It takes a certain kind of stunod to want Harvey in every league and not own him in any.  Messed up like a sunset, so close but got Estrada.  Messed up like an actor, that got stuck with f**kin’ Michael Fiers.  Messed up like a martyr, at least I got Shelby Miller.

David Wright – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer.  Clean-cut, stays out of trouble, plays hard and well.  He’s just so perfect.  Like O.J. Simpson in the 70’s.

Eric Young – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI.  Love that he’s getting on base a lot (7-for-14 this weekend), but I’d sure love to know where the steals are?  Was it the low air pressure a mile high that made him fast?  Can he lay in one of those Michael Jackson hyperbaric chambers between innings?

Mike Pelfrey – Placed on the DL with a strained back.  He needs a Mike check.

Kyle Gibson – Will get the call to replace Pelfrey while he’s injured.  First things first, I poppa freaks all the honeys.  Second things second, Gibson may only pitch another 40 innings this year.  He probably won’t stay in the rotation when Pelfrey returns either, which is the third thing.  We’re on the fourth thing already?  Geez, time moves fast.  I remember when we were on the first thing.  Fifth thing, he’s had a pretty average K-rate in the minors since his Tommy John surgery and he is just returning from it, so his command hasn’t been as excellent as it was before (which is natural; takes time for command to return).  Sixth thing, I wouldn’t touch him in 14-team and shallower mixed leagues out of the gate.  Seventh thing, there’s no seventh thing.  Eighth thing, seriously, this might go up to ten things.  …Actually, that’s it.  Bummer, totally fizzled out there.

Oswaldo Arcia – 2-for4, 2 RBIs and homered on Saturday (though 1-for-5).  Arcia seems to have a problem with only getting flashes of hotness.  Maybe he could talk to my Cougar.

Jason Kipnis – 3-for-4, 1 RBI and a homer short of the cycle on Saturday with a steal.  Kipnis keeps proving the credo, “Why can’t a nosh be posh?”

Michael Bourn – 3-for-5.  I don’t own him because I believe in getting cheap SAGNOF (Hey, Ma, I’m S. Marte!), but what’s up with only 11 steals on the year from Bourn?  Did he forget who he is?

Ryan Flaherty – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and 2 homers and Flaherty’s third homer in the last three days.  McLouth, Markakis, Jones, Davis, Hardy, Machado and now Flaherty.  That’s a scary story by Count Floyd.

Edwin Encarnacion – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 21st homer.  If only Encarnacion found Dwayne Murphy prior to last year…  *wavy lines*  Hey, I’m Dwayne Murphy and I’m reading a newspaper that says 2005.  But you don’t have to see the date, since it’s a newspaper you can assume it’s a long time ago.  I’m sitting in a train station.  I’m humming Hollaback Girl.  Hello, who are you sitting next to me?  Edwin Encarnacion?  You shouldn’t pull the ball so much.  B-A-N-A-N-A-S… *wavy lines*

Colby Rasmus – 1-for-4 and his 14th homer, as he bats .243.  Wanna see a guy that sits at the top of your waivers and is picked up for a few days at a time by everyone?  Look no further, or at the top of your waivers.

Emilio Bonifacio – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 10th steal.  I know there’s a hot streak in this guy somewhere that sends him on a .350, 10 steal month.  Just waiting for it to show itself.

Josh Johnson – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks to move his record to one win and two losses.  Scratch that, his record is on the 1-2.

Justin Verlander – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 K.  Gotta love when your ace is out-pitched by Felix Doubront (5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 2Ks).  And by ‘love’ I mean, you want to honk your horn and flip off an old person for no reason.

Jacoby Ellsbury – 2-for-4, 1 RBI and his 32nd steal.  You know he’s going to disappoint next year, right?  Has Ellsbury ever had a great season followed by another great season?  He’s the poster child for Saberhagenmetrics, and on the poster he’s dressed as Uncle Sam and it reads, “I Want You (To Be Disappointed).”

Zack Greinke – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks in his first game vs. the Padres since The Incident.  Eat it with a pound of sand, Quentin.  You pissant.  Hisashi my dashi is my chant.  Get your own, what?  You can’t?  This is my rhyme and for the Hip Hop Arts I got a grant.

Chris Capuano – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks in Petco.  Has thrown 11 straight shutout innings, and could see streaming him in his next start vs. the Phils.  It’s no slam dunk, but that’s the wrong sport anyway.

Adrian Gonzalez – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer in as many games.  Must’ve felt at home back in San Diego where fans come early and stay to the end of the game, or until their picnic is done.

Andrew Cashner – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Still has yet to show anywhere near this dominance on the road where his ERA is 4.39.  Not entirely sure how he throws as hard as he does and has a fairly mediocre K-rate, too.  Guess that’s why his name is with a hard C.

Martin Perez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks on Saturday.  Solid start for the regarded-prospect vs. the Cardinals.  To reiterate what I’ve said before, I don’t trust him (or really any rookie pitcher who pitches home starts in Arlington).  And that’s me reiterating me!

Aaron Hill – Will return on Tuesday from his fractured hand that happened in early April.  Geez, if he was on the Nationals, they would’ve just kept playing him for three months, then sent him to Triple-A and brought up a prospect to replace him.  Oh well, over-the-internet friend, not everyone can make terrible decisions.

Heath Bell – 0 IP, 2 ER as he blew another save.  Here’s where I’m at with Bell.  I really³ want Putz to return so I can drop Bell without feeling conflicted.

Gerardo Parra – 2-for-4, 1 run and two homers this weekend.  He’s putting together a season that has me slightly surprised to see he’s at 100% owned.  He’s been solid, but across five categories in a way that usually has people growing bored with and dropping.  Come here, let me pinch those patient little cheeks of yours.

Mike Leake – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 1 K on Saturday.  Burp a bit on the lack of Ks, but Leake’s ERA is at 2.61 and he should be owned in all leagues.  Plus, how awesome is it that his name sounds like a fake name Bart would use to prank call Moe’s.

Mat Latos – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 13 Ks, and his wife only cursed out five people on Twitter!

Shin-Soo Choo – 1-for-3 with his 11th homer, he’s now hitting .274.  Because everyone loves to hear about other people’s fantasy teams.  Since I traded Choo for Beltre, Choo has the line of 27/6/11/.233/5 and Beltre has 25/8/23/.337.

Will Middlebrooks – Benched for three straight games.  I think the Red Sox finally figured out that he’s only had, like, 5 hits this year that weren’t homers.  In deep leagues where options are limited, this is the kind of team move that can kill you.  I feel you on that.  Not literally, you don’t have to sanitize.

Joe Kelly – Named the Cardinals 5th starter.  Most clubs name fifth starters in March.  The Cardinals are so badass, they name fifth starters at the end of June.  Watch, in September, they’re gonna name Jon Jay their center fielder.  Kelly is definitely someone I’d own in NL-Only leagues and very deep mixed leagues.  (Hint:  If you have to wonder if your mixed league is deep, it’s not.)  He’s a prototypical back-end fantasy starter — 6-ish K-rate, solid walk rate, high-3’s/low-4 ERA over the long haul.  In most mixed leagues, he’s a streamer in favorable match-ups.

David Lough – 3-for-4, 1 runs, hitting .299 and still has no speed after showing 25+-steal speed in the minors.  Lough needs to visit the Juan Pierre Fantasy Camp where Juan teaches youngsters how to bunt, take leads off first and make sure you’re behind someone large in case of a big gust of wind.

Mike Moustakas – 2-for-4, 1 run.  Okay, feel dirty even going here, but Mostsuckass has 2 hits in each his last four games and is hitting near .375 in the last week.  I’d start to look at him again if you need corner help.

Jarrod Dyson – 2-for-3, 2 runs and a slam (2) and legs (8).  Two homers?  He weighs 150 lbs. soaking wet.  And that’s why Juan had to personally call up Dyson’s parents to ask them to pick him up early.  I grabbed Dyson in one league for SAGNOF.

Jake Peavy – Will resume throwing this week.  That’s a good idea since he is, ya know, a pitcher.

Adam Dunn – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 20th homer, raising his average to .193.  Dunn hasn’t seen 193 since 4th grade.

Alexei Ramirez – 2-for-5, 1 run and his 16th steal.  He has two more steals than RBIs.  Somewhere, Juan Pierre winked, saying, “You got it now, kid.”

Pedro Alvarez – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 19th homer, and four straight games with a homer.  Pedro from The Titsburgh.

Jason Grilli – 1 IP, 3 ER. Kazaam!  Usually a Kazaam doesn’t have me too concerned because closers just act different in non-save situations, but this is Grilli’s 2nd less than stellar effort in the last three games.  Even though it seems like he’d make you sad, Melancon has been terrific and I’d stash him in leagues where you’re desperate for saves.  Something might be up with Grilli.

Peter Bourjos – Left yesterday’s game with a thumb injury.  Angels are saying he’s day-to-day, which is likely okay-to-morrow.

Joe Blanton – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Stream-o-Nator‘s Trapper Keeper hearts around Blanton’s name don’t look as dumb today.

Ernesto Frieri – 2/3 IP, 3 ER, which comes the same day it was announced Madson probably wouldn’t be able to pitch this year.  I briefly looked at picking up Scott Downs, but he has the aptly titled Scott Downs Syndrome.  No one really is breathing down Frieri’s neck, so I think he’ll continue to get looks in the ninth.

Jordan Lyles – 5 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Just the way I drew it up.  Oh, wait, that meant to read, “threw it up.”  He gets the Angels next, which is a mediocre match-up, but he did beat them twice already (less than 6 IP in both starts though).  I could see holding him in deeper mixed leagues, but yesterday gives me no confidence.

Chris Carter – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs.  For a guy who seems to swing with his eyes closed, this was a dream game.

Ryan Sweeney – 3-for-5, 6 RBIs and his 3rd homer.  Sunday was a day the schmohawks inherited the earth, huh?  Sweeney does have 2 homers this week (though hitting around .200), so maybe he’s breaking out.  Not really sure of what to make of Sweeney.  Let’s say “It’s Pat” and move on.

Anthony Rizzo – 3-for-3, 4 runs, 4 RBIs and his 12th homer.  Not bad, jerky!

Nate Schierholtz – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and the horny robot Hitter-Tron likes him on Tuesday.  Then again, the Hitter-Tron’s wingman is a metal detector, so there’s that.

Chris Archer – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. Yanks.  Solid, terrific, adjective, but he gets the Tigers next, so there’s still little reason to look at him yet in mixed leagues.

Seth Smith – 3-for-5 and hitting near .400 in the last week.  The Lisper’s Nightmare hath a theven-game hitting threak.  Hathtag thweet!

Brandon Moss – 2-for-4 and his 14th homer, and third in the last week.  He’s headed for a 30-homer season and you know exactly when you should sit him (against lefties).  What’s the problem with picking up this redheaded slugger?  You scared of gingervitis?

Jarrod Parker – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Now has 9 straight solid starts, lowering his ERA from 7.34 to 4.27 in the last six weeks.  Get some indie cred from that girl at the Rhett Miller concert and tell her how everyone on your fantasy staff is a bunch of Parker poseurs.

Oliver Perez – 2 IP, 0 ER, 2 Ks and the vulture win, 0.98 ERA.  Is red still red?  Blue still blue?  I’m so confused that I wish I had Oliver Perez on all of my teams.  Perez for Prez!

Raul Ibanez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and two homers (17).  Yeah, red is definitely not red.

Jeremy Bonderman – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, 3.30 ERA.  I feel as confused by the Mariners as when I woke up from a nap in the middle of Inception.

Dan Haren – To the Disgraceful List.  Here’s what I wrote on December 6th of last year, “Sure, he’s only missed three starts in nine years, but presumably his health caused his fastball to bottom out at 88 MPH last year, and the hip (back, whatever) injury sounds like it’s still an issue.  I can almost guarantee someone will draft him before I do.  I’m guessing at best he misses at least a month of the season, and at worst he gets shut down for a few months.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Don’t be too hard on yourself if you drafted him.  You’re young, you have a problem with authority.  Next time when you rebel, you’ll think twice about doing it by drafting a thirty-two year-old pitcher whose best days are obviously behind him.

Jayson Werth – Left yesterday’s game with a leg injury.  Can take the injury-prone vet out of Philly, but can’t take the injury-prone vet out of the injury-prone vet.  That actually made sense in my head.  Moving on!

Justin Upton – Sat out yesterday with a sore hand.  He should be back in the lineup on Tuesday.  Just needs to get his pimp hand strong.

Jordan Schafer – 4-for-5, 2 runs and a slam (3) and legs (8).  I wish I could sit here — and I am sitting on the coffee bar at Starbucks while I dictate this to my intern — and say Schafer has been heating up, but he’s barely played recently let alone showed any signs.  Maybe this is the start of something, but you need to see more.

Brian McCann – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 8th homer.  He’s hitting 71 points better than B.J. Upton.  And McCann is only hitting .246!  B.J. and the Bear Market.  Amiright?

Chris Johnson – 2-for-3 and his 5th homer.  Now has 2 homers in the last week.  He usually gets hot as a blister on a waffle iron, so check him out if you need corner infidel help.

Carlos Gomez – Left the game with a shoulder sprain after leaping into the center field wall.  I thought his stats would hit the wall, but not quite like this.  The Brewers are hoping he can avoid the DL, which usually leads to terrible stats for about five days, then he goes on the DL.  Hopefully, history tells us nothing.

Justin Ruggiano – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and two homers (11).  He’s in the same boat as Schafer.  Ruggiano hasn’t been playing every day, or been very good when he has been, but maybe this is the start of something.  Also, that boat is called, “Freshly Shafer Ruggiano.”

Marcel Ozuna – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .294.  So, his average took a bit of a dive and the power showed up.  Hate to see what happens if someone gives him chewing gum when he’s walking.

Nate Eovaldi – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, and powered to the win by Ruggiano, leading Marlins fans to a WOPing good time.  This wasn’t a tough match-up vs. the Giants, but I do like Eovaldi and he gets the Padres next.  Game wasn’t yet on the Stream-o-Nator, but I like it either way.

Gregor Blanco – 2-for-4 and hitting over .400 in the last week.  Right now, he’s the hottest schmotato in the land.  As my bumper sticker says, “Gregor bust.”

Matt Cain – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. the Marlins.  After his last start when it looked like he turned a corner, someone should’ve yelled, “Whoa,” and stopped him from turning another corner back to where he was.

Michael Cuddyer – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 11th homer as he hits .339.  Has been a solid producer of stats when he’s healthy, so he’s not *pinkie to mouth* to Cuddyer for.

Jorge de la Rosa – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks, 3.19 ERA.  I probably should’ve told you to grab dlR about two months ago, which is odd since I still can’t tell you to grab him now.  The Coors home games are playing tricks with my heart, my heart.

Nolan Arenado – 2-for-4 and a solo homer, his 7th, and 2nd in as many games.  And he’s not even in Coors.  I have goose tinglies in my bum thinking about Arenado this summer in Coors.  I’m like an expectant mother with Arenado sticking his head out of my vagina saying, “I’m not quite ready, but I will be awesome in about a month.”