Big Game Hunter Fires Two Shots At Monster

Before the game, Kenta Maeda was getting a 2nd opinion on his UCL, which is always good news. If I were a 2nd opinion doctor, I’d just say, “Same,” and collect all those greenbacks. Actually, might not even need a medical degree to be a “Same” 2nd opinion doc. So, the Twins turned to one of their great young arms, Griffin Jax (4 2/3 IP, 9 ER, ERA at 6.29). Twins got Randy Dobnak from Uber, and Jax from Postmates. If Maeda can’t return, the Twins are gonna get a month subscription to Blue Apron. On the positive side of things, the Red Sox sent down Jarren Duran (well, positive after this). When the team wants to go with Travis Shaw (1-for-3 and his 8th homer) over you, well, there’s no amount of violins to play. You suck. The good news: Duran’s price is gonna be super cheap next year. Then, as Alex Cora continues to stupid-up the lineup card, leadoff man, Enrique Hernandez (2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 16th homer, but the real star was Hunter Renfroe. He’s rivaled only by Austin Riley, Adam Duvall, Jorge Soler–well, all Braves–rivaled only by them for guys who get crazy hot, and he’s in the middle of one such stretch. He now has four homers in the four games, and, as Scooby-Doo would say, “Renfroe!” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Tanner Houck – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.43, as he was recalled yet again from the minors. The funny thing (this isn’t funny) is he’s being recalled from Worcester and that’s about as far from Fenway as some guys on the team who have houses in the area. It’s like, “Let’s get Houck back here–” “Coach?” “How the heck did you get here already?” Any hoo! I’m interested in Houck as a Streamonator call and not much else, if he stays around, which he prolly won’t.

Hansel Robles – 1 IP, 0 ER, and his 11th save for the. Dot dot dot. Bet you can’t guess what team he’s getting saves for now. Hint: The Twins were playing. Wrong! Tricked you! He replaced Matt Barnes, who seems in the need of an Ineffective List trip.

Jorge Polanco – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 23rd homer, hitting .274. You ever want to call him Porge Jolanco? Hmm, guess it’s just me.

Josh Donaldson – 2-for-4 and his 18th homer. Told you he was in for a huge 2nd half! *slowly backpedals out of the room, and backpedals into a room filled with people who traded for Donaldson, dodges tomato*

Trevor Rogers – Made his first of two rehab starts this week. I like how teams hire gobs of trainers, coaches and experts, and can’t just look at their standings, then a guy’s innings and say, “Okay, that’s enough for this year.”

Jesus Luzardo – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 7.91. I still like the trade for him by the Marlins, but he’s gonna be the Marlins’ pitching juju biggest lift ever. Luzardo is so broken.

Tres Barrera – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Tres my ass.

Lane Thomas – 1-for-4, 1 RBI, as he hits leadoff. Lane has reached base in 15-of-25 plate appearances as a National. Getting the compliment in on a 1-for-4 before that shizz goes more pear-shaped than his current .224.

Chris Bassitt – Had successful facial surgery. The doctors held up a mirror and said, “How does it look?” And Chris smiled as he now had Nicholas Cage’s face.

Cole Irvin – 3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, zero Ks, ERA at 3.68. If it’s any consolation, Irvin’s been hit around all year in his starts vs. the Mariners, and it’s no consolation at all, is it?

Chris Flexen – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.54. Saw the po’ A’s, and they rolled right past him, no Flexen. So, solid start from Flexen, and this is when your mind gets blown, or at least when my mind was blown, and maybe yours will be too. If you remove one terrible start vs. the Padres, when you might’ve benched him anyway, Flexen has a 3.07 ERA in 138 IP.

Travis d’Arnaud – 1-for-4 as he was activated from the paternity list. He’s ready to get back at it after watching the birth of a chip off the ol’ d’block.

Aroldis Chapman – 2/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.86. Aroldis’s transformation to LOOGY is nearly complete. Can’t believe I fell for the Donkey Teeth charms and traded with him. By the by, Daddy Donkey has his 2021 fantasy football rankings. Oh, and Wandy Peralta (1/3 IP, 0 ER) got his 5th save, because Green had pitched already and Lasagna was used the day before.

Rougned Odor – 1-for-3 and a homer. Yankees fans are screaming about how great Odor’s been. Guess what he has statwise. Go ahead, I’ll wait while I tap my foot. He has 15 homers, and is hitting .214! Yeah, great. Almost as good as part-time player, Darin Ruf.

Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-4 and his 22nd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Yesterday, a commenter, Hesh, mentioned Giancarlo hits better when he plays the field, and there might actually be something to it. It can’t hurt. Hmm, maybe hurt isn’t the best choice of words.

Nate Lowe – 5-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .258, as he came a triple short of the cycle. Saw everyone calling him Nathaniel yesterday. Is that what happens when he goes long? He has a four-game hitting streak with nothing else of note in those games, but a five-hit night is a good way to start a hot schmotato run.

DJ Peters – 1-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer. Big night for the Rangers as they took down the Eli empire.

Nelson Cruz – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs as he got his first career start at 1st base. Worked out fine, because everything works out fine for Kevin Cash, but imagine a 49-year-old Cruz would’ve got tangled with a runner and knocked him out for the season–Meh, as I write it out it seems implausible. I can’t imagine anything ever getting the better of Cruz. He tells Father Time to take a number.

Andrew Kittredge – 2 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.37, and his 3rd save. Kevin Cash has a closer genie who keeps forgetting the wish count.

Drew Rasmussen – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 3.46 vs. Ranger Suarez – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.46. This was a matchup of, “Hey, these guys are already stretched out? Dizzamn, that was fast. Okay, where are they starting next? Because I’m interested in both.”

Dylan Cease – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.92. Gonna be a game of chicken with me and 2022 drafters on who will take Cease first. I’m all-in.

Jose Abreu – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 26th homer. You know him, so nothing to say there, but he did make me think of something. Has anyone ever been named Jose Madre? Makes ya think, right?

Jose Berrios – 3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.70. Jose Madre could pitch better than Jose Berrios.

Corey Dickerson – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in the last five games. Co-Dick can’t make up for a productive Semien.

Tejay Antone – 0 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 2.14, as he was activated from the IL, and left with a trainer. Hey, not to be Mr. Rain On Your Parade, but he had a forearm strain. He should prolly be going for surgery or something.

Michael Lorenzen – 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 2.63, and Michael teamed up with Mychael Givens (1 IP, 0 ER) for a monster blown save. Votto wants to get to the playoffs so bad, and, well, next year, Joey Votto’s gonna come back as a lights-out reliever.

Eduardo Escobar – Hit the IL with a hamstring strain. A hamstring strain is a pig that don’t fly straight. This is good news for Rowdy. Tellez, not Piper. RIP.

Dylan Carlson – 1-for-3, 1 run as he was activated from the IL, as he bats third. I’ll be honest, it gives me a little more confidence in Carlson, because of how much confidence the Cards seem to have in him. If he returned and they hit him 7th, it wouldn’t surprise me, and I’d ignore him, but 3rd? All right, let’s go!

Jack Flaherty – 2 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.08, and left the game with shoulder tightness. His velocity was fine in the first, then fell off a cliff in the 2nd. Cards’ devil magic has gone from voodoo to poopoo. Just shut him down until next year.

Miguel Cabrera – 2-for-3 and his 501st homer. Not on the year, though that wouldn’t be a record. Bonds hit, like, 600 one year.

Robbie Grossman – 1-for-4 and his 19th homer, hitting .238. Speaks in old grocer voice, “How much is a Grossman?”

Casey Mize – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.55. It’s so weird how uninterested I am in Mize. Just cannot find the enthusiasm. Maybe I’ll forget this offseason and come back older and Mizened.

Francisco Lindor – 0-for-4 as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “I’m sorry about the microwave, I wanted to heat up my Capri Sun.”

Tylor Megill – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.07. Regression Fairies showed up to see some friends and cheer on San Fran, and destroy Megill’s ratios.

Evan Longoria – Hit the IL due to “You name it, he’s only played five games since June.”

Kevin Gausman – Hit the Covid IL, which means he could return this Friday for his start, or the Giants can activate DeSclafani, another starter they’re faking having an injury. All these playoffs teams realizing they might need to have pitchers in the playoffs.

Brandon Belt – 4-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 18th and 19th homer, hitting .247. Belt said his grandmother died before the game and he wanted to dedicate that game and the rest of the season to her, but don’t you need your teammates’ consent? What if, say, LaMonte Wade Jr. doesn’t want to play for Maw-Maw Belt?

Sammy Long – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.81. After the game, Sammy Long said, “But I didn’t even know her, how can I dedicate this game?” As for fantasy, Long, well, it took a whole lot of sucking from the Mets to get him into the 6th inning. That’s more due to stamina, his peripherals are fine. Don’t love his next start if it stays on Hot ‘Lanta.

LaMonte Wade Jr. – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer. Wade said with a shrug, “I guess that’s for Brandon’s grandma, but no one consulted me before it was dedicated.”

Mike Yastrzemski – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer. Carl’s Jr. Jr. just wants to say, “I know how important grandparents are, so by my guest, Belt.”

Julio Urias – 5 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.17, as he was activated from the IL. Feels like with guys returning, when it rains, it p’Urias. I’m so sorry for that pun. Send me dead skunks. I deserve them.

Madison Bumgarner – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.17. I know that wasn’t Madison Bumgarner facing the Pirates and giving up homers to Anthony Alford and Michael Chavis. It had to be Mason Saunders. By the way, I don’t want to bother giving him his own blurb, but Michael Chavis was batting leadoff yesterday. He has a .211 OBP! Dude. Seriously. I am dying. Michael Chavis hitting leadoff and the Pirates don’t have that many other options! Ha. My goodness.

Gregory Polanco – 1-for-1, as he pinch hit. He cleared waivers and remained with the Pirates. That’s shorthand for, “The Pirates don’t want him, but no one wants him, so the Pirates are intrigued by everyone else’s apathy and have decided to hold on a bit longer to see what they have in Polanco that 3,200 previous plate appearances didn’t show them.”