Gavin Invites The Blue Jays To His K-Mitzvah

Gavin Williams (7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners (1 BB), 13 Ks, ERA at 3.81) might have the record for most ledes in one calendar year, and he only has a 3.81 ERA! Has any pitcher ever been so good while seeming so bad? Sorry, he’s excellent. Also, he’s got a near-4 ERA? I’m not being rhetorical. I’m legit asking. He’s phenomenal — or phonemail as autocorrect wanted me to write — then he randomly gives up runs. I already want to draft Gavin Williams in every league next year. Let his ERA be repellant to the Surface Area Dwellers. The SADs can see the meh ERA and move right along, because I know his K/9 of 12 and BB/9 of 2.8 is ridonk. It’s beautiful. Gavin Williams is going to get a plaque on the wall of a booth at the Cleveland Starting Pitcher Factory where he’s gong to hold court and tell everyone how much I love him. He’s going to lower his menu and say, “That Grey fella? He hearts me.” He’s right! I do! His xFIP is 2.76. What even is that? He might be pound-for-pound the best pitcher in baseball. And his ERA sucks. Please let it continue to suck. It’s so good that it sucks so he’s undervalued next year. Stay sucky, but not sucky at all. Promise me that. Gavin lowers his menu, “I can stay as sucky but not sucky as you like.” Thank you! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Angel Martinez – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, 2nd homer in two games. Angel heard he was being sold from Arte Moreno and got hot. Not you too, Angel. I’m sorry.

Patrick Bailey – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, 2nd homer in a week. PB and J! (J’s for jam, as in ‘to jam,’ as in, to do well. Uh-oh, I feel my rap alter ego, B. Fire coming on….Don’t be jelly. Ordering from Gold Belly. Getting me some Thai food after some goading. Now I’m larb-o loading!)

Heston Kjerstad – 0-for-1 and recalled by the O’s. Was having a nice season in Triple-A, but who cares. O’s will never play him, and they just went out and got Luis Robert Jr., who also isn’t playing, apparently. Smart stuff!

Jackson Holliday – 3-for-5 and his 7th homer. Elias Sports Bureau said this was the first home run by someone of the Holliday family in Coors. Adding, “Someone spilled coffee on our computers. That’s not right about Holliday, is it?”

Adael Amador – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer as he was recalled by the Rockies. When one Amador opens, another Tovar closes.

Yohandy Morales – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 1st homer, as he was called up by the Nats. He’s been in Triple-A the whole year and went 25/6/.286. Watched a clip of him and he’s a big boy. Singing, “Big boy hitting ’em on the roof. Never seen a big boy hitting ’em on the roof!” If you know that reference, congrats, you’re in the .001%. Any hoo! Yohandy looks like a deep league guy until we see playing time, but I’m intrigued in keepers and dynasty. He’s got easy power. Thinking about adding him in an NL-Only league to platoon him with another outfielder for the Yohandy/Cox combo, but the Cancel Police shutting me down before I can even change my team name to I Like Fantasy Spurts.

Ozzie Albies – 1-for-4 and his 21st homer, hitting .254 and hitting 6th. Ozzie’s on a crazy train. Next stop is hopefully, No Longer Sucking In The 2nd Half.

Michael Harris II – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer, 2nd homer in two games, third homer in the week. Megahertz and Olson carried the Braves in August–Holy crap, it’s September already! This year flew by, right?

Carlos Estevez – Undergoing shoulder surgery. I know no one cares, but someone should be fired for how they dealt with this. He’s been hurt since March! He’s having surgery in September! Not to sound like Johnnie Cochran but that is egregious!

Kyle Stowers – 1-for-4 and his 17th homer. As I was benching Stowers in one league yesterday, I thought to myself, why do I even have this guy? So, yeah, I dropped him!

Francisco Lindor – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting 232. Took his former teammate deep. No, not Jeff McNeil. He wishes.

Freddy Peralta – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.96. How embarrassing for the Mets. Just straight LolMets’ing being Zoinks City vs. their former teammate who absolutely sucked for them.

Yandy Diaz – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 21st homer, hitting .302. Al Brawn eating power pellets and banging baseballs!

Dominic Canzone – 1-for-5 and his 21st homer. Already a successful year for Canzone. The rest is icing. Speaking of icing (heck yeah that’s a segue!), Viz has started up his fantasy hockey rankings.

Lazaro Montes – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Giddy [pauses for sixteen years] up. LFG! If you ask what I think of Montes, maybe try my Lazaro Montes fantasy.

Randy Arozarena – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 22nd homer, and 2nd homer in two games. The Rice Bowl has been blessed by the Trident Gods. Four out of five Trident Gods agree.

Bryan Woo – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.25, I’ll say it for you — sonavabench! But you couldn’t have started him in Fenway without being 100% crackers. You a Saltine? I didn’t think so.

Mickey Gasper – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in two games, and roughly his 7th homer in, like, five at-bats. Top Red Sox players of all-time: 1. Ted Williams 2. Mickey Gasper 3. Everyone else. Top two are fluid. Top one especially, because he’s floating in formaldehyde.

Matthew Boyd – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.05. What’s more comical than this logic: I started Boyd because the Streamonator said he gets two starts, but I wouldn’t have started him if it was one start because I don’t trust him. One start? Not good enough! Two starts? Yeah, give me those!

Joey Ortiz – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Decent July and August (for him) — hitting .310 with five homers. Will you ‘roo the day you don’t pick up Joey? I doubt it, but he’s been decent for two months.

Sean Burke – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners (4 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 3.20. Don’t think you could’ve started him yesterday because his last handful of outings he’s looked like Sean Broke. Even his walks yesterday don’t give me a ton of confidence.

Isaac Paredes – 1-for-4 and his 18th homer. Somehow he’s managed to homer every tenth game the whole year but it’s not game 180. Okay, the math ain’t mathing but it feels that way.

Troy Melton – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 2.20. Regression during H2H matchups should be illegal. Can’t someone run on that?!

Kody Clemens – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 24th homer, 2nd homer in two games, 3rd this week. HRody Clemens!

Ryan Jeffers – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer, and 3rd homer in two games. Jeffers on making me weezy!

Royce Lewis – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer. Currently has the worst 14 homers of all-time, and, because I like to torture myself, I went to look at the Player Rater, and he’s been about as valuable as Vlad Jr.

Fernando Tatis Jr. – 2-for-5 and his 18th and 19th homer. Fun The Jewels! Fun The Jewels strong! Fun The Jewels fast!

Randy Vasquez – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.02. He threw a career high 55 fastballs at 95+ MPH, and he threw all of his 69 total pitches to Freddy Fermin, the McDougal’s of baseball players. No idea why Ethan Salas didn’t catch, maybe he wasn’t there yet.

Nick Lodolo – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.08. Another sign there’s so many starters. Next year’s drafts, no one is going to care about Lodolo because of this absolutely shizzshow this year with him trying to get on the package of Blistex as their spokesman, but he can be great next year.

Logan Webb – 2 IP, 9 ER, ERA at 4.21. Webb phlegm!

Rafael Devers – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 31st homer, and 2nd homer in two games, near the top of the 7-day Player Rater for having one of the best weeks, and on a team so terrible it’s making Giants fans actually hate Buster Posey.

Turner Hill – 4-for-5, 2 runs as he hit leadoff. Turner Hill went 9/24/.352 in Triple-A, but as a 27-year-old, and looks like a Quad-A player and sounds like a brand of turkey.

Paul Skenes – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.97. Wow, he sucks. Pirates gave him 11 runs and he couldn’t get through five innings. Now I’m not sure if I’ll even be in next year at a cheaper price.

Oneil Cruz – 4-for-6, 1 run, 4 RBI, hitting .271. Oneil Cruz abut to hit .280 this year just so I draft him next year and he hits .180.

Brandon Lowe – 4-for-6, 3 runs and his 29th homer. “Do you ever think about me and my different-sounding last name?” That’s Josh Lowe to Brandon.

Jesus Luzardo – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.02. Was the top pitcher in August (1.31 ERA in 34 1/3 IP with 46 Ks and 9 BBs). Yes, one Phillies pitcher is the top pitcher in baseball every month.

Jordan Lawlar – 2-for-3 and his 4th homer. That’s four homers or one home run for every IL stint this year.

Eduardo Rodriguez – 5 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.59. Picked him up for this start. That’s why he had his worst start of the year. It’s me. I’m the problem. It’s me. Not Taylor Swift. But me.

MacKenzie Gore – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.31.  Streamonator said this was a go-start, and I’d start anyone vs. the road A’s.

Will Smith – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs as he was activated from the IL. Dodgers also activated Wrobleski and Dalton Rushing. Interesting how they all became healthy on the same day, right? Yeah, so odd. I’m sure there’s nothing else to that, like it being September 1st. Oh, and James Tibbs III was not called up. Nothing odd there either. Not like the Dodgers are keeping him down so they can trade him this offseason without any of the shine off him. That would be so silly to think!

Eric Lauer – 3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.23. Who makes a wish with a genie to say, “I wanna be good on my new team, but only until the end of August?” Weird.

Thomas Saggese – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd and 3rd homer. Good to have Saggese back. Every team should have one player who sounds like a town in Massachusetts. With Winn, Wetherholt and Blaze Jordan on the IL, Saggese should have everyday playing time. In 82 games last year, he went 2/3/.258. Matched that in one game!

Jordan Walker – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 28th homer, hitting .288. Having a great year. I love him like he’s my own child, who happened to grow two feet taller than me. I’m Sandra Bullock and this is The Blind Side, basically. But I’m surprised Walker doesn’t have at least 35 homers already. Let’s get those numbers up!

Joshua Baez – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 6th homer. He has two singles.

Leo Bernal – as he was called up. Rosters expanding isn’t what is used to be, but we got ourselves some decent ones for deep leagues (AL or NL-Only). Bernal went 16/9/.278 in Triple-A as a 22-year-old with a 19.9 K%. Plus, he’s from [David Lee Roth voice] Panama! Panamaaaaaaaaa! Panama! Cards could go to him as their starting catcher with Herrera DH’ing most days, and I could see grabbing Bernal in a deep, two-catcher league or NL-Only.

Spencer Jones – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (9) and legs (9), and 2nd homer in two games. Someone yesterday asked what happens to Jones when Judge returns. Here’s what should: Jones plays the field, Judge DHs, Rice goes to catcher. Will it? Ha! Have you not followed Aaron Boone’s coaching career?

Jazz Chisholm Jr. – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 19th homer, hitting .232. Just needs 31 more!

Will Warren – Could piggyback with Max Fried. Worst news for Fried since cholesterol. That is actually good news for Warren; he has a chance for a win.

Mike Trout – 0-for-4. In case you haven’t heard, the Angels have been sold. Halleberrylujah! Arte Moreno is selling the team to Stan Kroenke, the owner of the Rams (and Avalanche, Nuggets and other teams). This is the Angels first real win since 2002. The national nightmare of Arte Moreno’s reign of terror is over. Maybe the new owners will let Arte keep their long list of wildly successful reclamation projects, like Vaughn Grissom, Yoan Moncada, Josh Lowe, Grayson Rodriguez, Polaroid, Radio Shack, OJ Simpson’s acting career, Crystal Pepsi, Zima, you name it. It’s a brand new day in Anaheim, a City That Is Not Really In Los Angeles.