I’m OCD about my iTunes. I listen to a new album a few times, pick out some songs that I like, five star them, and then play them endlessly until I’m sick of them. My top 20 for most played is embarrassing. I like Lil Wayne more than anyone should ever admit. Sometimes I have a song on repeat, and I’ll get a phone call (rare; only old people use the phone for calling people), the doorbell will ring (less rare; Cougs orders a ton of shizz on Amazon) or I’m just called away from my desk for some reason. Then I’ll forget I have a song on repeat and I’ll go to lunch, dinner or…No, those are the only reasons I leave my fantasy cave. When I come back and see a song’s play count has been artificially boosted with me not listening, I will edit info in iTunes and reset the play count to where it was before the accidental repeat. It’s important to have a gage to tell how much you like a song. Do you like it enough to play it 200 times like, say, Aloe Blacc’s Red Velvet Seat or do you like it enough to listen to it 120 times like, say, Tom Petty Yer So Bad (actual play counts)? Why do I bring this up now? Because Rick Porcello should roll his win count back to 15. 21 wins?! C’mon! That is misrepresenting him in every conceivable way. Yesterday, Rick Porcello went 9 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.08, to move his record to 21-4 <–LIES! He’s pretending to be Eazy E vs. Johnny Cash (great song; play count 278) when he’s really Randy Newman’s Short People (good song, but you ain’t listening to that nonsense more than once every few months; play count 59). His ERA isn’t even accurate. It’s saying, “I’m Bon Iver’s Skinny Love (play count 175),” when it’s really You Got Yr. Cherry Bomb by Spoon (play count 96). The only thing that is sort of legit is his 0.98 WHIP, but that’s more Men At Work’s Overkill (play count 186) legit. Have a season, Rick Porcello, but you are so Rihanna’s Diamonds (play count 86) and not Martians vs. Goblins (play count 365). Also, if you want more, we talk about Rick Porcello on today’s podcast. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Mookie Betts – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 31st homer. Now, he’s Weezy, cause real g’s move in silence like lasagna.
David Ortiz – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 35th homer. Cage the Elephant’s Shake Me Down? Okay, I’ll stop now.
Dylan Bundy – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.13. I’m not deterred by Bundy’s September (5+ ERA). Not as much as maybe I should be, but he was jerked around in middle relief for a while and he’s likely tired. Would I own him right now in redrafts? Nah, you lose your hair and brain? I’m talking more for next year.
Steven Matz – Could return on Friday. *busts out handy Mets pitchers updates’ chart, moves finger to line that says “could start, and says he ‘feels good'” Okay, so Matz will be shutdown by Wednesday after having a setback.
T.J. Rivera – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Yesterday, I said he could be a hot schmotato. Today, I say yup.
Freddie Freeman – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 31st homer, hitting .302. His season totals don’t say the full story. At the All-Star break, almost four months into the season, you didn’t even want Freeman on your team. In 110 less at-bats in the 2nd half, he has 15 more RBIs and only one less homer.
Dansby Swanson – 3-for-5, 1 run, 3 RBIs and his 2nd steal. You thought shortstop was stacked for next year? Dansby could break out too.
Jhoulys Chacin – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.26. True story alert! I can’t spell genius without a spellchecker, but I can spell Jhoulys. Someone should get together a bunch of baseball bloggers and have us do a spelling bee with players’ names. I’d potentially misspell Javy Guerra as J-U-N-I-O-R Guerra.
Nomar Mazara – 1-for-3 and his 19th homer. Honestly, seriously, awkwardly sentence intro-ly, Mazara may have cooled off a lot, but he’s having a solid rookie year for a 21-year-old.
Martin Perez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.14. I don’t trust Perez at all, Stream-o-Nator hates him every time out because he gets no Ks, but — and this is a well-sculpted Serena Williams-type but — I’d stream Perez in his next start.
Addison Russell – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 21st homer, hitting .247. Can throw him into the same blurb as Dansby, but Russell’s even further along. Hopefully, not too far along, meaning he’s not always going to be this .245 hitter we’re seeing.
Jason Heyward – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer. Wow. Seven homers in September? How is this the same guy that hit that beautiful home run in his first career at-bat? I’m half expecting him to say I’ve been playing the last two years with a broken wrist. Any hoo! He’s hitting near .350 in the last week, and might be hot.
Jason Hammel – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.56. On most teams, he’s a #2. With that said, does Hammel even make the Cubs’ playoff rotation? Not to answer, but–Actually, no, you can answer.
Brandon Phillips – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer, and 2nd homer in the last week and hitting near .300 in that time and can you tell I’m trying hard to make Phillips sound appealing?
Carlos Martinez – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.16. If you started him in Coors, you got bigger peanuts than the walnut sitting on top of your shoulders.
Randal Grichuk – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer. How much wood can a Grichuk chuck in Coors? We’ll see over the next two games.
Clayton Kershaw – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, as he was on a 90 pitch count (he threw 88). That’s after 64 pitches his last time out. In two weeks, he’d be able to take the “Dusty Baker workload.”
Madison Bumgarner – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 baserunner, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.57. Bumgarner and Puig had some words during the game that nearly led to a fight. After the game, Puig said he’d like to apologize for…And then he listed about 300-some odd things that he legitimately should apologize for, in a scene reminiscent of Chunk confessing in The Goonies, but for Bumgarner, Puig did not apologize.
Hunter Strickland – 0 IP, 0 ER and his 5th blown save. Strickland’s shaping up to be Casilla’s equal. Derek Law started the 9th, gave up a run (officially but it was coughed up by Strickland), Javier Lopez was used in the ninth, couldn’t record an out, Will Smith got buff, unfunny, stopped rapping and got Tom Cruise weird. The Will Smith on the Giants came into the 8th. I have no idea where Bochy’s going next, but it could be anyone wearing a Giants jersey. Even you Matt Cain.
Steven Souza – Will have hip surgery on Wednesday. I.e., the fat lady is singing with a Souza accompaniment.
Evan Gattis – 1-for-3 and his 28th homer. Isn’t it weird that Gattis has 28 homers and it feels kinda ho-hum? It is weird. That’s why I was asking.
Jharel Cotton – 6 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.50 vs. Brad Peacock – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.86. Cotton came out ahead of Peacock, which is also an ad for underwear. I have no faith in Peacock, but Cotton’s softening my trust fall.
Ryon Healy – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer, and 4th homer in the last 10 games. Brandon Drury is hella schmotato, but Healy’s hella hella schmotato and that ain’t hella bad, you feel me? Okay, please stop.
Bruce Maxwell – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. He sounds like a lineman, and, he looks like one too. To me, he profiles as a Kennys Vargas-type, and I wouldn’t bother with him outside of streaming a catcher.
Taijuan Walker – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.32. Ah, Walker, you are so flaky. He’s been around so long it’s easy to forget he’s only 24 years old. At some point, I think the results will match the stuff. I’d be lying if I said I knew when.
Leonys Martin – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. If you batty called Martin, you had nothing for the entire day, then as the last game of the night concludes, you get a Martin homer. You, sir, are living right.
Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 41st homer. Whether it’s fair or not, Bautista scares me to death for Edwin. Like an old stripper twerking, I’m worried at any moment the bottom will drop out.
Marco Estrada – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.62. Look at Estrada with the Ponch outs! He had been in a terrible post-break slide (5.47 ERA in the 2nd half going into yesterday), but, with two weeks left, we’re trying to cling onto whatever we can, and maybe Estrada could have a decent final couple of starts.
Clayton Richard – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.98. I’m not being daft when I say I don’t trust him. I mean, I am daft, but this is not the reason. He has a 1.64 WHIP and nearly a 4 BB/9. Clayton’s WHIP is almost the same as Clayton’s ERA, the good Clayton.
Wil Myers – 1-for-2 and his 26th homer. I told you he didn’t retire in August!
Yordano Ventura – 9 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.35. This was his 2nd complete game of the season and career. His last complete game was followed by an uninteresting 5 IP start vs. the Rays; his next start will be vs. the Tigers. Will it be good Yordano, bad Yordano or ‘You threw the first punch, so book ’em ‘dano?’
Billy Burns – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 17th steal. Burns has been functioning as a 4th outfielder, which makes no sense to me. The Royals feel like a better club with Burns at the top of the lineup, setting the table even if they don’t have Billy Butler to feed.
Kendrys Morales – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 29th homer, hitting .262, and this was his 2nd homer in as many games. I’ve told you to pick up Kendrys about twenty times in the last thirty days. The first fifteen were friendly, next three were antagonistic, and the last two were “I’m over it.”
Paulo Orlando – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer. I liked Orlando better when he was called, “Which way to Epcot?”
Jose Abreu – 2-for-4 and his 25th homer, hitting .300. His rookie year, he had a great 1st half, poor power production in the 2nd half. Last year, it was pretty even between the halfs. This year, no 1st half, solid 2nd half. What’s next year? We’re out of options. I have no D on this SAT question. Your pattern has me flummoxed!
Carlos Rodon – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.29. You know what this is? Rodon’s really committed to be a 2017 sleeper.
Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-2 and his 26th homer. Only 24 more to go!
Danny Espinosa – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 22nd homer. Member when he seemed to be breaking out in June? That seems almost as inconceivable now as why anyone would keep his beard all summer.
Daniel Murphy – Didn’t start yesterday with left leg soreness, after Dusty Baker originally said Murphy had a pain in his buttocks, but since Murphy is a homophobe, he clarified.