ET: The Extra Thamesbeastrial

Eric Thames went 2-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and hit two more homers (9, 10).  *does exaggerated yawn*  Justice Eric Ruth Thames is like, “Yeah, I had a harder time in Korea, ya’ll suck.”  Jer-Ru the Damaja is like, “The Sun Also Rises in the East, and sets in Milwaukee when I’m done hitting homers, goodnight.”  At this point, I’m surprised Justice didn’t hit, like, 80 homers a season in Korea.  Who got this guy out?  An NL team should sign that guy.  Or watch the Korean broadcasts of the games to see how they got him out, if for no other reason than the weird game show-like moments in-between innings when they’d have contestants try to find which part of the stadium is made of chocolate.  (I know this is Japanese, but it’s funny, so stop with your judging.  Leave that to the Justice!)

Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Hernan Perez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and a slam (2) and legs (1) as Travis Shaw sat.  The Brewers are built for a move back to the AL.  They need the DH.  Or someone who can play instead of Villar, Arcia, Broxton and Santana, who went 1-for-15 in a blowout.  Ticker tease!

Devin Mesoraco – I was eating my dinner and an alert popped on my phone that Mesoraco was being activated on Friday, so I tried to clear the notification, but clicked it by accident and it went to a page with his face, and now my dinner is ruined.  Thanks, dinner’s ruined.  Yeah, there goes dinner.

Amir Garrett – 3 1/3 IP, 9 ER.  Because Nola was injured, I needed to move a starter into my active lineup and I moved Muslim Mrs. Garrett in and she Tootie’d all over my team.  Guess Garrett was learning The Facts of Life.  Damn you, Regression Fairies!  *gets mail*  What’s this, a letter from ACLU?  But I’m very tolerate of the Regression Fairies; I even watched twenty minutes of the Gilmore Girls reunion.

Scott Schebler – 2-fro-5, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games.  You know who made him their batty call?  This guy with two thumbs, two feet and ripped track pants!

Aaron Nola – Hit the DL with lower back soreness.  I know how he feels.  After I got my tramp stamp that reads, “Giancarlo Hit One Here,” my lower back was sore for days.  Phils seem to be taking advantage of the new 10-day DL, and Nola may start again as soon as this weekend.  My guess is the players’ union will push for another DL list for even shorter period of time, say, five days, and eventually the entire league will be on the DL except Adrian Gonzalez.

Pablo Sandoval – Went for an MRI on his knee and more will be known today.  Filling in for him will be Steve Selsky (no, I didn’t make up that name).  Steve will have big shoes to fill…and pants…and shirts…and manssiere.

Dustin Pedroia – Day-to-day after being spiked by Machado.  He spiked him on a slide with his cleats, if you thought for a second Pedroia’s so small, Machado spiked Pedroia like a ball.

Zach Britton – Resumed throwing on Monday and will throw a bullpen session on Wednesday.  Britton must be chuffed to pieces that he’s soon going to say the opposite of cheerio to returning.  (Terrible British accent accompanied that.)

Adam Jones – 3-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .300.  Also, in this game, Jonathan Schoop (1-for-3, 2 RBIs) hit his 5th homer, and Hee-Soo Eminem’s Kim (1-for-3) hit his 1st.  No real fantasy value change for any of these guys, just surprised none of them were batting leadoff for Showalter.

Chris Archer – 6 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners (5 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 3.94.  …And the apple is still on his head, but three arrows have sailed wide right by ten feet.  Gulp.

Corey Dickerson – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .324.  He was lifted for a pinch-hitter, and I get it, but with the way he’s swinging the bat, and when your other option is Rickie Weeks?  I don’t know, man, feels like overmanaging.  Oh, and you’re undermanaging if you haven’t picked up Dickerson in your fantasy league.

Jake Odorizzi – Hopes to return on May 1st for series in Miami.  As just about anyone who’s ever been to Tampa knows, you don’t miss a trip to Miami.

Ian Desmond – Took batting practice on Monday.  I need him back like yesterday, but will settle for early-May.  I’m super accommodating.

Mark Reynolds – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .329.  Was I a little too excited when the Rockies said Desmond will play some outfield to keep Reynolds in the lineup?  P to the erhaps.

Bryce Harper – Received a day off.  “The Nats are in Coors, aw sookie!”  You do the Roger Rabbit, then you see Harper’s getting a day off, “DUSTY?!”

Ryan Zimmerman – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .379.  I said he’d be injured by his eighth homer, and he’s in Coors where everyone gets hurt.  The planets of schmotatoes have aligned.

Phil Hughes – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.71 vs. Martin Perez – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.81.  This was vintage M. Perez and P. Hughes, which is to say boring as 13 Reasons Why, no Ks and guys who are older than you think.

Jason Vargas – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA up to 1.40.  The Regression Fairies had their bitchy claws out last night.

Matt Davidson – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .368.  So, what you’re saying is I should’ve drafted Matt Davidson instead of Jose Abreu?  Cool, cool.  *opens window, falls dramatically out, lands ten feet below in a flatbed filled with mousetraps*  DAMN IT!

Tim Anderson – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 1 RBI and his 2nd steal, hitting leadoff and has hit in six of the past seven games.  Hot schmotato alert!

Miguel Gonzalez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.00.  Learn from Kuhl, Vargas and Amir and know the Regression Fairies will come for Gonzalez soon enough.

Shelby Miller – Hit the DL with elbow inflammation.  Well, he looked good for one start this year, which brings me to my question, who sells their soul for one good start?  Shelbs, you undervalued your soul, my man.

Zack Greinke – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.93.  JB and I talk about Greinke on the podcast that’s coming later today.  I’m very positive and supportive of Greinke and JB.

Chris Owings – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and a slam (2) and legs (5).  If I were a Civil Rights leader, I’d talk about how I have a dream of having all of my hitters in hitters’ parks against lousy pitchers.  And other stuff.

David Peralta – 3-for-4, 2 runs and a slam (3) and legs (3).  I just want Rockies, Diamondbacks and Brewers hitters.  That’s it.  You keep the rest.

Jhoulys Chacin – 6 IP, 7 ER. Chacin – AZ.  Fill-in Chinese finger toy joke.

Austin Hedges – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer.  I don’t know, maybe I shouldn’t have dropped him when he was 0-for-25 to start the year.  Yeah, maybe not.

Francisco Liriano – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 2 Ks, ERA at 4.58.  He’s totally safe to pick up.  Ow, eye roll headache!

Russell Martin – 2-for-3 and his 2nd homer.  Catcher questions in 3, 2, 1…

Jesse Chavez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.13.  I nearly streamed him because of the Stream-o-Nator, but passed because life got too complicated.  Kidding, I just forgot.

David Hernandez – Angels acquired him because their bullpen looks like a Jamie Farr-focused episode of M.A.S.H.  Injured and laughable.

Bud Norris – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 2nd save.  The Sciosciapath is impressive, because he does these things with a straight face.  Apparently, Bud Norris is the Angels’ closer. What a jizzoke.

Christian Arroyo – 0-for-4 as he was called up by the Giants to play 3rd.  Christian Arroyo won the seventh season of Project Runway–*intern whispers in my ear*  Okay, turns out he didn’t.  It was the 8th season. *intern shakes head*  9th?  Okay, you know what, I’m moving on to his minor league numbers.  This year, he led Triple-A with a .446 average, which was being bolstered, oh, just a tad, by his .481 BABIP.  He’s got little pop and less speed.  Man, where do the Giants find these guys?  It’s like Matt Duffy was traded away by the Giants, and, on his way out the door, he took a massive dump, and Sabean watered that for nine months and now they have Arroyo.

Denard Span – Out for a few days and the Giants called up Drew Stubbs, who hit eighth, while The Gangly Manbird hit leadoff.  Yeah, Giants don’t have any problems with their lineup.  Aaron Hill goes down to injury, and Sabean suddenly starts scrambling, like Hill was fixing things.  “Ya know, we’re good because we have Aaron Hill.”  *Hill goes down*  “AHHHH!!!”

Joc Pederson – Hit the DL with a groin strain.  He hurt himself when the Dodgers were facing a lefty and he was on the bench pulling his pud.  By the way, I want to be in a British supermarket right now, pointing at a high shelf where pudding sits, asking someone, “Hey, could you pull my pud for me?”

Julio Urias – Will start on Thursday for the Dodgers.  He had a 1.93 ERA in Triple-A.  Last year, he had a 9.8 K/9 in the majors with a 3.39 ERA.  I mean, c’mon.  He’s not old enough to legally drink and he’s mowing down hitters with ease.  I tried to pick him up in all leagues, but he was already gone.  I suggest owning until further notice.

Hyun-Jin Ryu – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.64, start was vs. the Giants.  Well, lookie, lookie.  About time Ryu looked half-decent.  I don’t know if he’s all the way back, because, brucely, the Giants are awful, but I’d loosen the reins on Ryu.

Brett Anderson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 11 baserunners (6 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 3.54.  Brett Anderson could have been the 5th Horseman.  His finishing move would be that he’d walk before the three count.

Addison Russell – 4-for-6, 3 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .289.  Now hit some jacks Addy baby.  Addy baby, that’s what I call him.

Jason Heyward – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 3rd homer in four games.  The alien that inhabited Heyward’s body when he first landed in Chicago has left to take over an ‘xton, Bro or Bu.  “We just want high upside.  Beep, borp, VORP.”  That’s the fantasy baseball alien.  Looks like Jason slashes again, and is done being a Scary Movie.  I don’t know if the new Heyward has shook the past-two-year Heyward, but I’d grab him to find out.

Jose Osuna – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI with a single, double and triple.  He got some parts of the cycle, but couldn’t finish it off.  Kinda like Almosto DeSchwinno, who nearly invented the bicycle until Da Vinci was like, “I got this, paisan.”

Chad Kuhl – 1 2/3 IP, 9 ER.  Kuhl’s start was so harsh that there isn’t enough menthol in the world to smooth out the taste.