If David Hamilton could swim like he could run, he would’ve been sent down to the Titanic wreck to save those in the submarine. Talk about the worst Gilligan’s Island spinoff ever. Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip that started from roughly 60 depths under the sea… “Skipper, we have two hours left of oxygen.” Skipper smacks Gilligan with his hat, waving away oxygen. Gilligan gulps, “Make that one hour and thirty minutes.” The story on the submarine billionaire is like a reverse Icarus, and I want to read everything about it. Any hoo! David Hamilton isn’t a swimmer (maybe he is, I have no idea), but he is a runner. Boy, is that guy fast. He’s so fast rather than calling Spectrum’s customer service, he ran to a call center in Hyderbad to ask his question in-person. Wow, that’s fast! Don’t know Hamilton’s playing time sitch; he might not be called up for long, but he’s incredibly interesting because he was a 23/97 guy combined over the last 171 minor league games. Yeah, pretty good! I grabbed him in my most shallow leagues just in case he sticks, though he might not stand in one place long enough to stick. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Reese McGuire – Out with a right oblique strain. Saw a fantasy news site say, “The positive news here is that it’s not an issue related to his hand or wrist,” and I did a spit take. Yeah, wouldn’t anything to happen to his hand or wrist.

Corey Kluber – Hit the IL with “being cooked.” Go to your nearest restaurant and ask them if they can uncook stuff.

Justin Turner – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .284. Kinda irrelevant but it made me howl when I was watching the Yanks game, and they showed a flashback to June 16th of this year when Turner hit two homers. Flashback? It’s not even a week ago!

Garrett Whitlock – 7 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.50. A Quality Start should be two earned in five, three in six, four in seven, five in eight, and, if you can get to nine innings with six earned, you get that QS. I am Abner Doubleday and I am making the rules now. Streamonator likes his next start a little (not much), but I could see it.

Max Kepler – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!

Sonny Gray – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.56. Right where Sonny sits on my fantasy team there are eggshells because I know that regression is coming but when?

Randal Grichuk – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer. I know he started the year on the IL, but he only has two homers? More like Randal Upchuk. Destroyed him.

Elehuris Montero – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer. As the homer ball sailed out of the stadium, Bud Black said to Moustakas, “I’m sorry, that should’ve been your at-bat.”

Brenton Doyle – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer. Finally moved to leadoff. It just took him hitting .217 with a .271 OBP.

Jake Fraley – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. Fraley will appear in this week’s Frdiay Buy column, which is already available on the Patreon.

Andrew Abbott – 6 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 1.14. The biggest takeaway here is that he allowed zero walks. Streamonator did have this as its number one stream yesterday, so *raspberries lips* How’s dem apples? Delicious! It’s actually positive for his next start too, so need to take foot off brake on Abbott.

Raimel Tapia – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer. He was DFA’d by the Sawx in one of the more curious moves, and now I’m counting days it takes for Counsell to figure out he’s the Brewers’ best bet to leadoff. I’m giving it six weeks. This is a heads up for my NL-Only’ers.

Julio Teheran – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 1.53. “So, let me get this straight, you wanna be an ace for two years with ten years separating the two years? Hmm, okay…” That’s the devil taking down notes when Teheran sold his soul.

Zac Gallen – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.84. Know in The Naked Gun when he’s driving and says everything reminds me of her, and we see the nuclear factory that looks like two boobs? That was me this preseason with Gallen. I loved him, was playing poker, and someone was like, “G? All in or you gonna be Gallin’?” “Gallin?” “Yeah, like a lady.” Then someone put on GG Allin. Then someone else wrote a Z on a potato sack. Only I didn’t see the signs.

Scott McGough – 2 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.54 and his 4th save. Love that, but also now the DBacks are going to have another save opp happen before McGough can throw again and people are gonna be like, “So, is it Castro again?”

Zack Short – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. Short plays 2nd as he tries to amuse himself reenacting Who’s On First?

Matthew Boyd – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.37. More like Matt-threw! As Flavor Flav would say, Yeah, Boyd!

Jhony Brito – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.89. Wish Latin America could come to peace with one spelling of Johnny. If you want Jhony, that is fine. But you can’t have Jhonny too! Any hoo! Brito’s peripherals look awful and I wouldn’t go near him.

Billy McKinney – 2-for-3 and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. I’m done saying he’s not very good. I will simply say pick him up while he’s hot, and I will let the Fantasy Baseball Overlord smite him when he wants.

Jake Bauers – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Any other team and people would be like, “Oh my God, they are winning with Billy McKinney and Jake Bauers. Look at that 41-33 record! This is a miracle!” But with the Yankees it’s like, “Cashman has forsaken us with a pile of garbage that smells worse than Staten Island, this team sucks.”

Michael Kopech – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.06. Kopech looks like a mild buy low, but his command is hellish.

Andrew Vaughn – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Called him boring the other day, and now I’ll say, okay, yawnstipating.

Jonah Heim – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. Hit ’em with the Heim!

Ezequiel Duran – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (9) and legs (4), hitting .310. I forgive you if you forget, but Duran came up last year with some fanfare. He is good.

Cristian Javier – 2 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.25. One start is one start, but he looked so bad I’m truly concerned there’s something wrong. Velo wonky; command wonkier. Hopefully it’s a blip, but he threw five walks in two and third? Um, yikes. Please be healthy.

Yainer Diaz – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .277. Yainer waivers? Then grab him!

Pete Alonso – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer. Albombso!

Gio Urshela– Likely out the rest of the season. Jo Adell is taking grounders at 3rd on his own time, while coaches roll their eyes.

Shohei Ohtani – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 3.13, 0-for-3. Damn, this was the week to start him as a pitcher! Feel like I’m at the roulette table moving back and forth between red and black and occasionally green comes out.

Gavin Williams – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, as he was called up. Was going to talk about how nerves might’ve cost him, right as Asia’s Heat of the Moment came on my stereo, but this was the A’s. C’mon, man! Guess hold him for one more start, and chalk this up to nerves.

Josh Naylor – 4-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .295. Someone in the comments mentioned the other day how Naylor leads 1B in RBIs, which did mildly surprise me.

Yu Darvish – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.84. Because of some stupid Gary Sanchez blocking-home-plate call cost me three earned on Darvish! *screams into pillow* What are we doing?! It was the freakin’ Giants why the blocking the plate thing even exists. Buster Posey haunts me! Ugh!

Mike Yastrzemski – 1-for-3, 1 RBI, and he got hurt because of that same stupid call! I need a nap. I am fuming. Block this!

Taj Bradley – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.86. Having himself one of the more normal rookie pitcher years, i.e., some ups and downs, instead of a 7+ ERA or a 1.50 ERA year.

Ramon Urias – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer. There should be a fantasy league where you just draft last names. Draft Urias? You get Ramon, Luis, Julio, a b-hole. Basically all the same.

Randy Arozarena – 3-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. Don’t want to put it out in the universe but some extremely bad shizz would have to happen for The Rice Bowl not to have a career year. He might have a career high in homers by the All-Star Game.

Isaac Paredes – 1-for-3 and his 13th homer, 2nd homer in five games. Kevin Cash could bat Yandy leadoff, Wandy 2nd and everyone else 9th and the Rays would still get offense.

CJ Abrams – 3-for-3 and his 7th homer. If you would’ve told me Abrams would have seven homers, I would’ve been so pumped because it meant he had at least 25-30 steals. Welp, guess I should be pleased with what he has given.

Kyle Hendricks – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.60. Real sicko shizz when I have Cristian Javier on one team and Hendricks on another team and the one with Hendricks does better. Sick sicko shizz. Don’t like it. Not one bit. Streamonator hates Hendricks’s next, as it should.

Nico Hoerner – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Hey, welcome back from the IL, roughly six weeks since you returned.

Sandy Alcantara – 7 IP, 5 ER, 12 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.08. It’s not that I’m not sensitive to you. You being the ones that have Sandy on your fantasy team. Sure, he was a chalk fade. He was pinpointed by me as a guy you absolutely should not draft, and I wrote a whole post saying exactly that. So, yeah, I guess what I’m saying is I’m not sensitive to you drafting Alcantara.

Matt Chapman – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 10th homer. Matt David Chapman spent the last two months assassinating some fantasy teams to impress Jodie Foster.

Bo Bichette – Scratched yesterday with a sore thumb. Maybe try scratching with an index finger. If Bichette misses any significant time, I can hear BDon cackling from across the country.

Brandon Belt – 1-for-4 as he was activated from the IL. Belt made some All-Star Game comments the other day. Asked about being 2nd in AL ASG voting to Shohei, Brandon Belt said, “Yeah, that’s how you know it’s rigged, I should be number one. And everybody knows I’m a better hitter than he is. Better DH better leader. But here we are.” Which was meant as a joke, obviously. No problem there, my problem is — and every year I promise myself I won’t get annoyed by ASG voting and every year I am — Julio Rodriguez is the 11th best vote-getter in the AL outfield (!), which could be looked as a silly little quirk of the system, but is actually the problem with MLB. They don’t know how to promote their young stars. Also, whoever has more home games gets more votes, which is also no indication of anything, except hometown fans know only their players, which brings me to my BIG IDEA: MLB should throw out all home team All-Star Game voting. Have the fans vote, but only on players of teams they don’t root for. Then we’ll see which players are really getting through to fans in a meaningful way and not just because of their laundry. Okay, someone help me down from this soapbox.