Cubs traded a player to be named later for Austin Jackson. Assuming the player to be named later isn’t anyone on their current roster, this was a solid trade for them from a real baseball perspective. Real baseball has more spitting than fantasy baseball, but about the same amount of scratching. The areas that are scratched are similar too. Like just below the FUPA. Austin Jackson clouds up the Cubs’ current roster in all the worst ways. Can one team have too much of a good thing? The short answer is yes. The long answer is yeeeeeeeees. Now, Coghlan (1-for-4), Fowler (2-for-5 and his 15th homer), Schwarber (1-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI) and maybe Baez, when he’s called up, are squeezed for playing time. If anyone can make this work, it’s Maddon. Sadly, only Maddon will understand how, why, what and every journalistic question as to when Jackson or anyone will play. Oh, and Soler will return shortly too. And by “shortly,” I don’t mean the manner in which Altuve does something. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
PSYCHE! Before we get into the roundup, I just wanted to quickly announce that our fantasy basketball commenter leagues are signing up. So, if your ringtone is Kurtis Blow’s Basketball or if you wear your purple three-piece suit five sizes too big and have babies’ mamas, fantasy basketball is for you! Go there and sign up. Anyway II, the roundup:
Kyle Hendricks – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. You know what would be nice? Well, yes, a pillow that looks as comfy as Nicki Minaj’s booty, but besides that. It would be nice if Hendricks pitched as well as his peripherals look.
Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. After Cozart went down, Eugenio stepped in and did likely better than Cozart could’ve done. Somewhere, Salieri is smiling.
Jason Bourgeois – 3-for-6, 1 run, 2 RBIs. Sing it with me, Bourgeois, “A working class hero is something to be…”
Hanley Ramirez – Another day, another update that Hanley isn’t playing. If I had a nickel for every time I mentioned Hanley wasn’t playing, I’d have about a dollar. Better than what I have now, which is an aging player in a weekly league that doesn’t ever play!
Dustin Pedroia – Cleared for baseball activities. The first thing he should do is scratch himself. Or maybe spit. Ugh, such tough choices!
Mookie Betts – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, and his 2nd homer in three games. I already know where I’m going to rank some guys for next year, but Betts? I don’t have a clue. His stats feel like a 2nd rounder, but he hasn’t wow’d me at any point this year.
David Ortiz – 2-for-3 and his 29th homer. Why do I feel like Big Papi will be doing this until he’s 50? Of course, that’s in about two years.
Eduardo Rodriguez – 5 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. Ivan Nova 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks. Red Sox come with a ton of Sons of Sam Horn hype and Yankees come with “You stupid son of a b*tch, the Yankees are the best” hype, so these pitchers might be overrated, but they’re really just streamers that I’d use the Stream-o-Nator on.
Mark Teixeira – Sent back to New York for tests. As I mentioned yesterday, there’s no reason to DL players with the rosters expanding, which means — here’s to a few weeks of pinch-hit at-bats from Te(i)x.
Didi Gregorius – 4-for-5, 1 RBI, hitting near-.500 in the last week and has two 4-hit games in his last four games. Didi, Didi, Didi, can’t you see, your hot schmotato hypnotizes me.
Jonny Gomes – Was acquired by the Royals to serve as a pinch-hitter vs. lefties and to help fans remember the Great Lakes, if, ya know, Guron was one.
Corey Dickerson – Took batting practice yesterday, and I wouldn’t be surprised to see him return as soon as this weekend. No real reason to not just let him play with the Rockies, if he’s healthy. Of course, the “if” in that sentence has had its own zip code for Dickerson this year.
Robbie Ray – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks in Coors. I started him in Tout Wars where I’m just throwing Hail Marys at this point, but how about Rudy’s lead in that league? Cousin Afrosheen is pulling away from the pack like tigers in Minnesota would pull away from that crazy big game hunter dentist that was in the news for a day about a month ago, but my ex, who works for PETA, still posts about every day on her Facebook wall.
Brad Ziegler – 2/3 IP, 4 ER and the blown save after giving up three runs on Sunday. Like a Crash Test Dummy, mmm, Ziegler’s hit a wall. I grabbed Daniel Hudson, who should get a save chance in today’s doubleheader if the Diamondbacks find themselves in a close game, and, knowing my luck, Hudson will likely explode for runs like he has Montezuma’s Revenge. FMFBBL!
A.J. Pollock – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. A Pollock by any other name wouldn’t smell so cabbagey.
David Freese – Will be activated from the DL today. Once Scioscia tags him, Freese will be able to move again.
Hector Santiago – 2 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.37. As predicted here amongst a lot of predictions that didn’t come true, Santiago is slowly working his ERA up to 3.50.
Chris Bassitt – Experiencing shoulder soreness. C’mon, Bassitt, you’re my favorite underdog!
Mark Canha – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 11th homer. I was about to say he’s hot, but I just looked at his last week and he’s hitting a robust .179. How dare he make me sully anything with the word bust in it!
Danny Valencia – 2-for-4, 1 run, 3 RBIs, hitting over .350 in the last week. Oh, Danny Boy, the hits, the hits are calling.
Jed Lowrie – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. I was thisclose to making him my batty call yesterday. So, so glad I went with Adonis Garcia instead. So, very glad.
Hank Conger – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer. Yes, I lost some credibility on my ability to think clearly with Conger when I ranked him super high in the preseason, but Castro’s injured and, for deep leagues, Conger will be starting.
Carlos Correa – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. Fly, iCarlos, fly!
Dallas Keuchel – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks in 121 pitches. Was A.J. Hinch waiting to switch out Keuchel when he came to bat? Cause that’s a McClendon move. Someone needs to make up the t-shirt, “Crazy…like a McClendon!”
Jose Altuve – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 35th steal. I just had an idea for Altuve for Halloween. He can dress up like Neil Armstrong and keep saying, “One small step for man…”
Mark Trumbo – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 18th and 19th homers. Doode went so cold when he went to the Mariners, if you would’ve told me he only had ten homers all year, I prolly would’ve believed you. Trumbo might be addicted to being called a bounce back candidate. Every year with this guy.
Carlos Martinez – Scratched from today’s start as the Cardinals begin to cut back on his innings. Ah, September, when teams try to pretend their compliant to managing young starters’ innings with rubber stamps while passing off rubber checks by keeping them off the rubber. What, there was a sale on the word rubber.
John Lackey – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 8 Ks, ERA at 2.87. You know what Lackey is? Workmanlike. Next to workmanlike in the dictionary, there’s a picture of Lackey. “Next to (blank) in the dictionary, there’s a picture,” as a phrase, is going to get some weird looks in 20 years. “There’s pictures in the online dictionary that President Ivanka Trump approved?”
Jhonny Peralta – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 1 RBI. I believe those might’ve been his first hits in August. Speaking of which, goodbye, August!
Mark Reynolds – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and has hits in 8 straight games, and a homer yesterday. All brays to Mini Donkey!
Gio Gonzalez – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.13. All things considered, this was a good start by him. Okay, not all things considered, that would be exhausting.
Ryan Zimmerman – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 13th homer. Don’t make me belabor it. He’s hot, grab him if you need some power.
Josh Hamilton – Will only serve as a pinch-hitter during the final month of the season. If only Burr would put Hamilton out of his misery.
Tyson Ross – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.27. You know what Ross has been this year? The guy who’s been decent, that you really don’t want to start.
Mike Foltynewicz – Was a late scratch yesterday. It was likely serious if they went through the trouble of writing in his name in the lineup card, then scratching him.
Shelby Miller – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.56. This guy filled in for Faultywirewicz. Not a bad backup to have. Braves might want to consider keeping him in the rotation.
Christian Yelich – Didn’t start again on Monday due to his sore knee. A 17-year-old really shouldn’t be having these sorts of problems.
Justin Bour – 3-for-4, 1 RBI, and two homers in the prior two games. Hot schmotato alert!
Hunter Pence – Took swings yesterday, but still feels pain and isn’t expected back soon. Only thing worse than looking at a Gangly Manbird, is looking at a sad one. No one wins here!
Alejandro De Aza – Was acquired by the Giants to help with the loss of ManBird. Not the Byrd man, they have him still.
Jake Peavy – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.38 vs. Brett Anderson 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K. This matchup was billed as, “Um, well, we have season tickets so you wanna go?” “Who’s pitching, dad? Bumgarner? Kershaw? Greinke?” “I don’t think so, but the weather is nice out!”
Andre Ethier – 1-for-3 and his 13th homer. He doesn’t start vs. lefties, and I don’t mean against Reds pitchers or Commies.
Enrique Hernandez – Out a few weeks with a strained hamstring. Mattingly said, “This is the worst news I’ve heard for a Kike since–” And then a cavalcade of rabbis from the Anti-Defamation League entered the clubhouse on horses wearing yarmulkes, interrupting Mattingly.
Justin Ruggiano – Acquired by the Dodgers from the Mariners for a player to be named later. I wonder if the Mariners are acquiring all of these players to be named later because McClendon can’t remember anyone’s name.
Abraham Almonte – 2-for-4 and hit a home run on Sunday, hitting over .350 in the last week and this might be the last time I ever say anything nice about him. We shall see. Or not. Your choice!
Danny Salazar – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks as he outdueled David Price 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks. Like a cigarette after drunk sex, I really needed that start from Salazar. I don’t want to gloat too obscenely though, because he has a big matchup again later this week and we need all hands on deck for our prayer hexagon.
Ben Revere – 2-for-5, 1 run as he hit leadoff. Hello, major fantasy value boost, may I have another?
Manny Machado – 2-for-5, 1 run as he started at shortstop. Rejoice, 2016 fantasy baseballers with very little games played requirements.
Evan Longoria – 1-for-4 and his 15th homer. Member when he was the commercial spokesman for New Era hats? He should be featured in a New Era commercial for their new, fitted brown paper bags.
Asdrubal Cabrera -1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. Asdrubal went cold the past week after having a hot two weeks prior, and it sounds like I’m writing his autobiography. So, finally he said to his 4th grade gym teacher, “I will be someone one day,” and that teacher was Edgar Renteria.
Tim Beckham – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. He’ll be vying to be a full-time player next year, and likely a deep sleeper candidate. Assuming he can shake this “Is he going to be a failed prospect like Delmon” stank.
Wei-Yin Chen – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER. Ugh, you do butter against everyone and then vs. the Rays, you’re just butt. Not cool, Chen, not cool. The Stream-o-Nator hates, and rightfully so, his next start, so I’d look elsewhere.
Lucas Duda – Won’t return when first eligible. Ma nishtana, why would Duda be any different than any other player?
Curtis Granderson – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer. This might be the best the Mets have played since Keith Hernandez smuggled a pound of coke in Wally Backman’s backside. Grandy has done more than his part too. He’s now in the top 20 OFs for all of fantasy, according to our Player Rater. Though, there is a legit gap between the top 15 and the top 20.
Michael Conforto – 2-for-2 and his 4th homer. Conforto isn’t playing every day, because the Mets are still carrying around a corpse with Cuddyer’s jersey like they’re Doing the Bernie.
Bartolo Colon – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.42. Colon blew through the Phillies….in a good way.
Maikel Franco – Will take batting practice on Wednesday. Phillies interim manager, Pete Mackanin, said, “Once he does that — getting a few at-bats and taking some batting practice — I might run him right in there if he’s 100 percent.” I like how he’s so flippant with the future of the franchise. Yeah, man, just run him back out there! For s’s and g’s, if nothing else, am I right? C’mon, the risk of him re-injuring himself makes it fun! Maybe you hire a hypnotist to convince Maikel he’s actually playing handball, so he swings with his wrist and no bat. Really up the stakes!
