Yesterday, Brandon Crawford went 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs with two homers (17, 18).  Crawford has a big flashing sign over his head that reads, “Career Year.”  Under said sign, he has a smaller sign that reads, “Or could this be a legitimate breakout?”  Under that sign, there’s yet another sign that reads, “There is no third sign.”  Then under that there’s a smaller sign that reads, “Is that meta?  Why even go through the trouble of hanging a third sign?”  Then there’s yet another smaller sign that reads…Ugh, I can’t even read it, the font is too small.  Let’s stick with the signs we can read and that make sense, “Career year” and “Or could this be a legitimate breakout?”  His previous career high was 10 homers in 153 games last year, and prior to that he had never homered ten times in any professional league.  In four full years with the Giants, he only had 26 homers coming into this season.  That was in over 1800 plate appearances.  His previous career high in HR/FB% was 7%.  This year it’s over 17%.  He’s in the top 30 in the league for homers per fly balls.  For the most part, a guy who hits a lot of homers per fly balls are, as you can imagine, not guys that had a previous high of ten homers in over 1800 plate appearances.  They’re guys like Just Dong, Braun, Te(i)x, Miggy, etc. etc. etc.  The homers will disappear, but I wouldn’t mind so much if Crawford was more than a .255 hitter.  The most obvious comp is a young J.J. Hardy, if he was an actual comp, but he’s not.  Hardy hit 26 homers in his 2nd full season, Crawford never came close to this before, and I don’t think he ever will again.  So…*picks up megaphone*  All right, guys, let’s lose all the signs, except the first one.  And get back to work!  Ugh, teamsters.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Joe Panik – Hit the DL.  Okay, now’s time to… What’s the word I’m looking for?  Distress?  That’s such a girly word!  I need a word with a hard K.  Filling in for Panik will be Ehire Adrianza (1-for-3, 1 run) and Kelby Tomlinson (1-for-1, 1 run).  Ehire is a side project by eHow and not very good, and Kelby has insane speed (49 SBs in Double-A last year), but might not play or hit enough to get on base.

Buster Posey – 2-for-6, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer.  Also, in this game, Brandon Belt went 3-for-5, 2 runs with his 13th homer.  As we all know, the A’s by the Bay have a lineup out of a homoerotic thriller that takes place in a backdrop of a free clinic, Burns, Reddick and Semien, but what I realized yesterday was the other Bay team, the Giants, have names from a straight erotic thriller, Buster Posey, Belt, Hunter Pants.

Andrelton Simmons – An MRI revealed a bone bruise on his thumb.  Andrelton is having a hard time healing his thumb because it’s on the same hand with his glowing index finger that heals things upon touch.

Freddie Freeman – Left yesterday’s game with a strained oblique.  I told you that him and Dickerson wouldn’t make it out of August playing.  Okay, so technically, I was thinking of Freeman’s wrist and Dickerson’s foot, but semantics are for when you’re arguing with your girlfriend, “That’s not porn, that’s for my study of the human body.”

Jace Peterson – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs with this 5th homer, and his 2nd homer in the last two games.  Hot schmotato alert!

A.J. Pierzynski – 4-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer.  It’s been a good year to be an A.J. and a Pollock.

Adonis Garcia – 2-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer in only his 11th game in his career.  Watch out for Adonis Bonds!  Could be a light schmotato, but there’s not much in his profile that suggests this will last.

Jon Gray – The nephew on my father’s side is being called up to start today, and you’re excited, “People have been talking about J.G., like, he’s a beast.  A regular Sidd Finch.  A Sonny Gray brother from another mother with the same ERA father.  I want him!  No, I haven’t looked at any of his stats.  Looking at stuff is for cheapskates!  I’m a buyer.  I buy things.  That’s what I do.  Like this Fannie Mae stock!  I’m a buyer of blue-chip stocks, baby!”  That’s you after a coke binge with your college buddies.  Gray’s minor league stats at Triple-A are 4.33 ERA (3.90 xFIP) with a 8.7 K/9 in 114 1/3 IP.  Let’s assume he had some prospect up and downs and he won’t have any in the majors.  Everything will be super with an upper case duper.  He still will pitch his home games at Coors, and barring Coors being demolished this week and re-opened a mile below sea level, I wouldn’t touch him in anything but NL-Only leagues.  I look forward to the Rockies trading him in 2019 for twenty cents on the dollar and him having a huge post-hype season.

Nick Hundley – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 5th steal, hitting .301.  Why does playing in Coors also make him have steals?  It does though, ya know?

Felix Hernandez – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 12 baserunners, 9 Ks in Coors.  Look at his line again.  Okay, now tell me you really want Jon Gray on your fantasy team.

Nelson Cruz – 3-for-4 and his 30th homer.  Two more homers until a hamstring injury!

Brad Miller – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer.  Why is 2014 Grey so aroused?  Oh, because Gyorko and Miller homered on the same day.

Kyle Seager – 3-for-4, 3 runs and a slam (16) and legs (2).  Imma let you finish, Seager, but where’s your brother who is the greatest of all-time?

Matt Moore – Sent to Triple-A to build arm strength.  I’m no baseball coach, but I’d send him to the gym for that.

Richie Shaffer – 0-for-2 as he was called up from Triple-A and I batty called him.  I think I would’ve preferred streaming Richie Wet Bathing Trunks Rubbing My Inner Thighs.

Nate Karns – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.37 vs. Jose Quintana 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.50.  This was a battle of “I don’t own him, but maybe I should” guys.  By the by, Karns made me think of Kim Carnes, and, I know by me saying this it’s begging you to do it, but don’t Google her for a present day pic.  She’s 70!

Jose Abreu – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer, and his 5th homer in the last 11 games.  Yes, I’d love for him to get to 30 homers, but more realistically, I’m praying he at least gets to 25 homers.  I sound so defeated.  Ugh, look what you’ve done to me, Abreu!

Carlos Sanchez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, all of which has come in the last ten games.  He’s more of a three-homer, 20-steal guy, but he’s currently hot so I could see riding it out to see where it takes you.

David Price – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks vs. the Twins.  To add insult to injury, as Price would wind up to throw, Russell Martin would scream from behind the plate, “Ooh…The Price is wrong…pitch!”

Josh Donaldson – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 27th homer.  On our Player Rater, Donaldson is starting to pull away as the best 3rd baseman, but it’s a packed field with 3rd basemen in the top 10 overall.  The other fight I’m watching is Trout vs. Au Shizz, who are in a league of their own.  Not literally, unless Manfred’s really mixing things up.

Torii Hunter – 1-for-3 and his 17th homer, hitting .249.  Twins are really getting their money’s worth on Torii.  Unfortch, they’re also getting their money’s worth on the rest of the team, which is nothing since they paid nothing.

Ervin Santana – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.89.  You have trouser melons if you started Ervin in Toronto.  Stream-o-Nator isn’t wild for his next start either, and I’d likely avoid it.

Denard Span – Resumed light workouts and is still likely two weeks away.  Light workouts for Denard is curling celery sticks.

Angel Pagan – Scratched from the lineup with soreness in both knees.  You know you’re old when you can’t contain soreness to one knee.

Jason Kipnis – As originally hypothesized here after I read shizz elsewhere, Kipnis hit the DL and will miss two to three weeks.  Jose Ramirez was recalled from the minors to play 2nd base.  He was a preseason fave of mine because he’s only 22 years old and has a minor league, 38-steal season under his belt.  Yay, just what we need, another middle infidel option.  Worth a look in deeper leagues where you’re dying for SAGNOF.

Corey Kluber – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.60.  Sigh.  A top five pitcher beats everyone in his path.  Home or away.  No matter the opponent.  1927 Blue Jays or otherwise.  Not sure what Kluber is, but he sure has looked iffy this year.

Yan Gomes – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer.  I’d say too little too late for his owners who drafted him, but I can’t imagine more than 10% of his current owners actually drafted him.

Michael Bourn – 2-for-4.  Pretty unglamorous name, but he’s hitting near-.400 in the last week with five steals.  A star is Bourn?  Not the original or the remake, but he is hot.

Garrett Richards – 7 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA down to 3.39.  He’s going to be a guy I’m gonna have to really look at this offseason to see what to make of his all-over-the-map year.  Right now, I have real concerns.

Carter Capps – Hit the DL with a strained pitching elbow.  That’s good…If he were Pat Venditte.  Since he’s not, it’s not good.  I grabbed Mike Dunn in multiple leagues because Capps was backing up A.J. Ramos and he looks donezo.  I also grabbed Bryan Morris, because he’s a righty and I’m a sucker for vulture saves.

Steven Matz – Resumed throwing on flat ground.  Lucky he’s not on the moon, that shizz is more cratered than Randy Johnson’s face.

Michael Conforto – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer.  Due to a platoon with Lagares and Duda stealing all the glory any Mets hitter could possibly have, I dropped Conforto.  That’s also the answer to the question, “Why did Conforto homer yesterday?”

Yoenis Cespedes – 3-for-5,  runs, 4 RBIs and batting a whooping .333 in three games!  Seriously, why do players lose their stats when they switch leagues?  This is seriously annoying.

Curtis Granderson – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs.  The pep talk Duda (0-for-4) gave his New York Mets obviously paid off, even if they had to deal with a sudden crying fit from Wilmer Flores (1-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI).  “He’s so good with words!”  That’s Wilmer about to blow snot into Travis d’Arnaud’s (2-for-5, 1 run) sleeve.

Bartolo Colon – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Marlins.  Fartolo prefers to not eat the Fish, but obviously is an omnivore.

Tom Koehler – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER.  This is a problem I run into all the time.  Do I start a guy in a weekly league simply because he has two starts in a week?  We should have a glossary term for a starter that is only good because he has two starts in a week.  Please suggest in the comments.

A.J. Burnett – Diagnosed with a strained flexor tendon and will rehab it to hopefully return in a month or so rather than opt for surgery.  You’re never retiring, are you, Apricot Juice?

Lance McCullers – 1/3 IP, 6 ER as he was optioned to the minors.  I’m going to leave my drink on the counter of this deli-slash-Ukranian dungeon, could you watch it for me, shifty man with an eyepatch?  *five hours later* Hey, how come I feel a draft coming from my torso?  Is that a man clothes-pinning up my kidney?  AH!!! ROOFIE!!!

Mike Fiers – 5 IP, 6 ER as he came on in relief.  I’m sure glad I had him in my lineup accidentally yesterday.  Sure, am glad!

Jason Castro – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 10th homer.  Also, in this game, Luis Valbuena (2-for-3, 2 runs) hit his 20th and the Astros and Rangers combined for 35,000 runs.  Here’s a pro tip!  The ball travels well in the heat.  It was 99 degrees at the start of the game in Arlington.

Carlos Correa – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer.  Speaking of 99 degrees — no, that’s not Nick Lachey’s band — I’m talking about Icarlos flying close to the sun.

Adrian Beltre – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer as he hit for the cycle.  Also in this game, Shin-Soo Choo (1-for-3, 2 RBIs) hit his 14th homer, and even Elvis Andrus (2-for-5, 1 run) had a solid game.  The Rangers are a team filled with guys that make you say, “Hey, he’s playing this year?”

Josh Hamilton – 0-for-5.  Ticker tease!

Tyson Ross – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Even against the Brewers, his pitching line is so whatevs.

Yangervis Solarte – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 6th and 7th homers, hitting  over .450 in the last week.  Solarte is actually Latin for hot schmotato, so it kinda makes sense.

Wily Peralta – 3 1/3 IP, 6 ER.  Total velocitease, which isn’t a hybrid dinosaur from Jurassic World.

Scooter Gennett – 1-for-5 and his 5th homer.  J-FoH would want me to point out that was a Creeper dong.  Please don’t let him point that out while wearing a long trench coat.

Coco Crisp – 2-for-4, 1 run as he was activated from the DL.  Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Coco Crisp?  Are we ordering breakfast?”

Jesse Chavez – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER.  “I feel so dirty when he starts pitching cute, and I dropped him after this start, but in my H2H league it’s probably moot.  Jesse makes me want to hurl… I wish I went outside for this Jesse’s hurl… Where can find a pine tree freshener for that?”  As I said after his previous two drubbings, it’s time to look elsewhere.

Danny ValenciaA’s picked him up off waivers. Danny Valencia does sound like a PUA, so maybe Beane’s trying to get laid.

Chris Tillman – Threw from flat ground today.  Will someone clear all of these goddamn anthills?!

Chris Davis – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 27th homer.  Ah, it’s so nice to own him when he’s on one of these insane runs.

Tyler Wilson – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, EAR at 2.19.  That’s cool, and he had a 5-something K/9 in the minors and I wouldn’t touch him with a nine-foot pole that had twelve one-inch straws attached to its end.

Zack Godley – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.50.  I have no proof of this, but I know for a fact that Godley is actually Goldy when he wants a little variety and is sick of hitting.

Welington Castillo – 1-for-4 and his 12th homer.  The crazy thing (not crazy) is I kept saying this past preseason that the Cubs didn’t need Montero, that Castillo was a solid bat.  How is it that I, nothing but a wee blogger, knows this but the Cubs didn’t?  Same question to the Astros and why they just won’t play Conger.

David Peralta – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer.  If the Diamonbacks could only find some consistent pitching, they would be a force.  That sentence also works if you’re reading on Tatooine.

Nick Ahmed – 4-for-4, 2 runs and his 7th homer.  It’s Dr. Nick!  Hello, boys and girls!  Hello, Dr. Nick!

Doug Fister – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA up 4.60.  Came with his fist and his opponents were armed with bats.  Go figure.

Ryan Zimmerman – 1-for-3 and his 7th homer, hitting .211.  I swear to God, I saw Zimmerman’s name in the box score having hit his 7th homer, and for a second I was like, “Wow, Jordan Zimmermann has 7 homers?!”  I totally forgot Ryan Zimmerman existed.  I felt more at peace with the world too.   A strange calm fell over me, but I also write these posts while in a hot tub, so that could be it too.   Cougs, fetch me my Calgon!