Circle, Circle, Dot, Dot, Cody With Another Shot

Due to the light schedule, let’s drill down on Cody Bellinger (2-for-4 and his 10th homer, hitting .432).  If man-love bothers you, perhaps you should shield your eyes.  This could become naughty, and, yes, I need to remove my pants to write the rest of this.  Cody is 2 1/2 home runs from being halfway to last year’s homer total.  How does one hit a 1/2 of a home run?  You hit it out of the park, then pimp with a bat flip so long you get tackled rounding 2nd.  Right now, Bellinger’s HR/FB% is absurd.  He’s not even hitting that many fly balls.  It’s just everything he touches goes bim-bam-zoom to the moon.  Can that continue, you ask with your doe eyes and soft lips.  You drafted Goodrum on too many teams, because you sound drunk.  Of course, it won’t continue.  His launch angle last year, when he hit 25 homers, was 16 degrees.  This year it’s 13.  He is hitting the ball damn hard, though.  He’s third in the majors with 96 MPH average exit velocity.  I’d be shocked if he hits less than 35 homers, but I also don’t think he’s going to hit more than his career high of 39 homers, if his fly ball rate holds.  His strikeout rate has absolutely cratered, in a good way, but, of course, when a guy is hitting well, he’s not striking out.  He will go cold, turkey, and cold turkey on power at some point.  It’s early, yadda-blabbity-bloo, so don’t panic sell.  He’s now a legit top 15 bat vs. the top 40 one we thought he might be in the preseason.  Now, I will put back on my linen Tommy Bahama pants and continue.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Julio Urias – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.66, and will head back to the bullpen.  That’s a helluva way to go though, huh?  Not to answer but to stare at the lint in my mustache.  Hyun-Jin Ryu will now rejoin the Dodgers’ rotation on Saturday saying his groin feels INCREDIBLE!

Max Muncy – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .270.  He wasn’t promoted until April 17th last year, so he’s still ahead of his pace (no, I might not be able to continue to say this for much longer).

Zach Davies – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 1.19.  The entire Brewers’ pitching staff wants to screw you over so bad.  Go ahead, pick up one of them, they will defecate in the hole they leave in your chest.  Since you pay me the big pennies, I guess I have to drill down on Davies a bit.  *looks at his K-rate* Awful.  *looks at his walk rate*  Terrible!  *looks at his xFIP* Is this a joke?  *looks at his velocity* More like Yuch Davies.  Thanks, but I’m good.

Christian Yelich – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer, hitting .351.  He’s hitting 90 points below Bellinger?  What a scrub!

Didi Gregorius – Hit in a cage and made throws at 120 feet.  Or 60 people.

Domingo German – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.37.  German got Guten tagged.  Sorry.  *removes shirt*  Flog me!  I’ve punned bad!  I still like German, and obviously he was never a sub-2 ERA pitcher.  If he throws 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 Ks every time out, I’m wit’ it.

Jorge Soler – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer.  I know the sun will come out tomorrow, but what if it came out yesterday?  Does that matter?  Deep thoughts with Grey Albright.  I’ve been saying, in one form or another, to pick up Soler for the last two weeks-plus, and, if I want to prove further righteousness, I can just say the “plus” part of two weeks goes back three years.  Right again, snitches!

Homer Bailey – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.30.  So I went to look at Bailey’s peripherals to see if there’s anything to him and when I Googled, “Homer Bailey peripherals,” Google said, “GTFO.”  Is that a band?  If someone can get through their internet filters to see Bailey’s numbers, please let me know.

Tommy Pham – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs and a slam (3) and legs (6), hitting .286.  Home runs against Orioles pitching count the same.  Should they?  Click the slideshow to find out.

Avisail Garcia – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer, hitting .311.  Racist!  Since I’ve told you to pick him up about three times this week, he will definitely be in this afternoon’s Buy column.  You can hardly wait!  No, you!

Mychal Givens – 1 2/3 IP, 1 ER as he blew a chance for his 1st save, ERA at 5.00.  *rips up Orioles bullpen shares*  Yeah, I’m out until there’s some clarity with this shituation.

Joey Rickard – 4-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 1st steal, hitting .212.  Everyone on the O’s is a better Cedric Mullins (0-for-5, hitting .089) than Cedric Mullins.  Call him Cedric the Mullinstainer.

Eddie Rosario – 2-for-4 and two homers (5, 6).  Is everyone named Eddie steady?  Discuss amongst yourselves.

Michael Pineda – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.30.  The Return of the Pineda Piñata.  Only instead of it being filled with candies and treats, it’s filled with bloody ulcers.  “Good ahead, Little Kevin, give it a swing on the Pineda Piñata!”  Little Kevin winds up and — SPLAT — knocks off the head; bloody ulcers spilled out of its neck.  One girl, small for her size, happily shoves a bloody ulcer in her mouth.  The Jays, man?  Damn you, Pineda, you did it to me again.

Randal Grichuk – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer.  Grichuk rounded the bases reading his copy of Angela’s Ashes, because home run trots should be somber affairs.

Teoscar Hernandez – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, and, I believe, his 2nd homer this week.  I’m guessing, but I also own him, so how off on this could I be?  While you’re answering that, could you also answer me if parents now point to their iPhone clock when it’s time for kids to come in from playing like they used to point at their watches?

Justin Smoak – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer.  He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because he’s 98.9% garbage, but, after he hits one homer, I could see him hitting another soon thereafter.

Odubel Herrera – Hit the IL, which stinks, but, hello, Scott Kingery, old friend, a welcome respite from my thirst, my hunger, my beginning of a poem that doesn’t rhyme.  I tried to grab Kingery in every league, and he will be in this afternoon’s Buy column.

Roman Quinn – 0-for-4 as he got the start for the injured ODB.  Quinn could have some short-term value, but if Segura returns, I’d guess Kingery moves to ODB’s spot.

Zach Eflin – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.68 vs. Kyle Freeland – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.23.  Ah, the ol’ random pitcher duel in Coors.  I’m sure that has now doomed my start of German Marquez.  Lowercase yay!

David Dahl – 1-for-3, 1 run as he was activated from the IL.  Awesome, that was fast (which I say while suppressing lingering doubts that he is just going to hurt himself again).

Ryan McMahon – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd home run as he was activated from the IL.  What a total passive aggressive move.  “Ooh, I know, I’m gonna hit two homers when the absolute least number of people who own me will have me in their lineup.”  Cool, brah.  Jerk!  With Murphy still out for a few weeks (at least), McMahon should have some place to play.

Chris Paddack – 6 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.25.  So, what you’re saying is he won’t throw a lights-out start every time?  Bleh, what a lame spoiler!

Joey Votto – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer.  Also, in this game, Tucker Barnhart hit his 1st homer.  Paddack, if you’re gonna get hit, could you at least have it be by good Reds hitters like…Hmm, Puig was out of the lineup.  Uh, Winker, I guess, but he’s hitting .182; he did hit his 5th homer, though.  Damn, Paddack, this was the Reds’ B lineup and I’m not sure they have an A lineup!

Ryon Healy – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 4th and 5th homer.  To the hundreds of people I’ve told to drop Healy… Meekly, “My b.”  But he is hitting 8th, and not that well before yesterday.  Guess I could see going back in on him, but my tethered self in the basement of an arcade is shaking its head.

Omar Narvaez – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .297.  Out of curiosity, I just looked at the Player Rater for catchers, and Narvaez is not as high as I thought he’d be, but still high.

Anthony Swarzak – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 1.42 and the blown save.  Then Cody Allen said, “Hold my beer,” and lost the game (1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 2.57).  Then Brad Boxberger said, “I got next,” and farted into a beer can, and everyone left the bar without saying goodbye.

David Fletcher – 1-for-5 and his 1st homer.  Why is it still April but this feels like too little too late?

Felix Hernandez – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.91.  This game was in Anaheim, and usually F-Her in the Big A always comes up big.

Drew Pomeranz – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.82.  This was a road game, so I never would’ve started him.  Pomeranz is the definition of Rice-ja-broni.

Wilmer Difo – 2-for-3 and his 2nd homer.  Wilmer Difo deserves recognition for how well he’s acting in a Platoon.

Patrick Corbin – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.36.  “This year’s All-Star game starters are Patrick Corbin and…um…hmm…Mike Minor?”

Lucas Giolito – Hit the IL with a hamstring strain.  Since he’s a nice Italian boy, I’m gonna say it’s more like a porchetta-string strain.

Ivan Nova – 6 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 6.23.  Buh-buh-buh-but what about his FIP?

Welington Castillo – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .171.  Where’s the boeuf?!  In the can! *weird looks*  “In the can” like they say on film sets when something is finished…Guys?  Where ya going?

Eloy Jimenez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .261.  I’ll be real with you, Jimenez has been a bore to own.  I know, I own him.  His Ks are way up, fly balls are down and has been hitting a ton of dribblers like he’s John Stockton in ball-hugging shorts (the shorts are irrelevant to the simile, but adds to vividness).  It’s too early to write off Eloy, however, and if I could buy him low I would.  This was just a bad three weeks, not who he is.

Ryan Cordell – 3-for-4 and his 2nd homer, as he was recalled to fill in for the world’s worst sleeper, Daniel Palka.  Let me take a victory lap like Cersei when they were throwing crap at her.  Cordell is an AL-Only pickup for now.  He is a 10/10 guy, but he has two quick homers and a much steeper launch angle than we’re used to seeing from him, which might mean nothing or something.

Christin Stewart – Hit the IL with a quad strain.  “Well, I hit the IL with a broken heart!”  Robert Pattinson probably.

Nicholas Castellanos – 3-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .279.  Nice to see the Greek God of Hard Contact return with a few line drives.  Shower him in disco fries and souvlaki.

Mike Soroka – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks as he was recalled from the minors.  Great, solid, adjective!  The opposing team wasn’t good (and they still got baserunners), and when Foltywichwich returns, Soroka likely loses his rotation spot. So, I’m not that into him, at least right now.

Freddie Freeman – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer, hitting .324.  Joey Votto has a pouch and out hopped Freeman.  He’s Joey’s joey Votto.

Luke Weaver – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.92.  I had lost faith in Weaver before this start, and, if I’m being 100% honest, I don’t know why.  Looking at his peripherals tells us that we should be in on him, even if it’s still a little early to draw firm conclusions.  *running hand over conclusions*  Creepy voice, “Mmm, so firm.”  His 10.5 K/9 (I know!) and 2.2 BB/9 (nice!) are solid, and Streamonator is positive (barely) on his next start.

Christian Walker – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .300.  The White Walker keeps going over the wall, so….Winter is coming?  Winter is here?  Anna Wintour’s haircut is severe?  What is going on right now?  Has The White Walker become my favorite player (of the last week)?  Does everything I touch turn to gold?  *touches my pitching staff*  Nope, not everything.  That you’re waiting this long to pick up The White Walker when I wrote a Buy column dedicated to him two weeks ago tells us what?  17 years of marijuana have dulled your senses?  P to the erhaps.