Yesterday (but really every time he pitches), Chris Sale went 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 13 Ks, ERA down to 0.91, and yet another no decision. Elias Sports Bureau said, “Chris Sale had his 4th start in last five seasons on Thursday with 8 IP, 10+ Ks, 0 ER without getting win; no one else has more than one. Also, there’s 16 different vending machines in our company to choose from, but only one has M&M’s and Drake’s Apple Fruit Pie for 50 Cent that elicits Snickers with the wrappers.” God, what a bunch of nerds! Not like us fantasy baseball cool kids! I wanna tent the Elias Sports Bureau office, fart in there and leave. Seriously, that’s what I want. I need a wish genie, up in here! Up in here! So, Chris Sale is flippin’ awesome once again, and nothing can stop him except a rock vs. his scissors. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
David Price – Slowed with arm soreness. I believe on his timetable that I gave him “slowed with arm soreness” falls between “feels fine” and “shut down.” Not sure if it’s before or after, “nearing rehab…oh, he just took a left past the Church of Emmanuel Lewis…and missed his rehab assignment.”
Xander Bogaerts – Having tests done on his jammed thumb. Thumb up the jam, thumb it up!
Marco Estrada – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.63. Ponch De Leon pitched surprisingly well against the Sawx, and solid for the season thus far. I’ve never been a huge fan of his, but he’s now going on three years when he’s been remarkably steady for an AL East pitcher.
Ian Kinsler – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer, hitting .217. After the home run and before rounding the bases, Kinsler took a timeout and asked if he can just point like an intentional walk and not trot around celebrating his heroics. The umps did not agree.
Jose Iglesias – Hit the 7-day DL with concussion symptoms. The symptoms included headaches and mistaking Miggy for a beanbag.
Daniel Norris – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA up to 3.71. The good news is you don’t own him. The bad news is some of you do. That’s legitimately the worst good/bad news ever. Not as bad as his xFIP, K/9 and BB/9. Norris’s peripherals look like those of a pitcher you would never own in a mixed league. Act accordingly.
Erasmo Ramirez – 5 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.07. Continuing thought from Norris’ blurb, I wouldn’t own Erasmo either, but he’s pitching much better than Norris and not just in regards to ERA.
Steven Souza – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .349. He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but I’m not sure if you’re ever going to pick him up if you haven’t already. I’ve been telling you to grab him since the 1st week of the season, and I drafted him in one mixed league. I feel like I’ve done my part. *unfolds chaise lounge chair, opens aluminum suntanning reflector helmet, dons it, takes nap* Oh my God, why didn’t anyone wake me?!
Kevin Kiermaier – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .292. Feels a little silly — or lil’ sil’ if you’re in a rush — to say Kiermaier should be owned since I’m not crazy about him, but he’s raised his average 90 points in the last week.
Ervin Santana – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 0.64. I didn’t do the math but he’s gotta be closest to the best ERA since July 1st of last year. Verlander and Hendricks were barely ahead of him and they were hit around recently and Ervin’s still magic. That ERA since July 1st of last year is under-2.00. Ervin Damntana! *looking at his peripherals* Well, his ERA is still great. Nothing’s completely computing that Ervin has suddenly become an ace, but maybe whatever Jason Vargas was eating, Ervin snacked on. I wouldn’t drop anyone too valuable for Damntana, but obviously he can be owned.
Trevor Bauer – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 6.35. I streamed him without consulting the Stream-o-Nator (ballsy!), because he was facing the Twins and their best hitter, Max Kepler, has one homer and 7 RBIs, so, ya know, they’re not so good.
Abraham Almonte – 2-for-5, 1 run, hitting .278. Almonte has been on the strong side of the right field platoon, and by ‘strong’ I don’t mean the first definition of strong, but the less-used definition of strong that means “awfully terrible, and I’m being sarcastic by saying strong.”
Wade Miley – 8 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 1.89. Your friend in March, “I think I’m going to draft nothing but hitters for the first 20 rounds, then draft Wade Miley, Scott Feldman, Jason Vargas, Ervin Santana and Mike Leake in the last rounds.” You, “Haha, what a jerkoff!” Then you do The Worm dance you’re so excited about how dopey your friend is. Now, “I hate my friend.” By the way, I drafted Miley in my NFBC league, and I haven’t moved him from my bench. Haha, I’m the biggest jerkoff! I don’t know where all these Ks are coming from, and Miley doesn’t inspire enough interest to research (kidding, I looked into him). Nothing looks that different other than he’s relying more on his fastball, and he’s laying off the change more. I’d still put his over/under at 4.10 ERA, but I could see giving him a shot in his next start vs. Rays.
Jonathan Schoop – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, hitting .280. He’s young without that much of a track record, but he feels so safe to put down for 25 homers and .260.
Scott Feldman – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.38. Okay, no. You can try Miley, but no on Feldman even if you’re only picking up guys for their Zimmermania appeal. He only converted for the jokes.
Joey Votto – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .224. Maybe he’s trying to hit 25 homers by the All-Star break, then zero homers in the 2nd half while hitting .425.
Matt Kemp – 0-for-4 as he was activated from the DL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “I was not the one who ate the hoagie in the break room fridge, but I saw it and could’ve sworn written on it was ‘Kevin’ not ‘Carl.'”
Stephen Strasburg – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.89. If you own him, I don’t wanna bum you out. I know you’re thinking because I told you to avoid him in the preseason that I want him to fail. I don’t. All I’ll say is his April ERA last year was 2.25 and he still ended up hurt and with a 3.60 ERA.
Shawn Kelley – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save. That could be it for that closer competition. I’d still hold Glover for a few, but Kelley feels like he fits Dusty’s idea of a closer.
Ryan Zimmerman – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .389. Here’s the zone. Here’s ESPN’s Zone bar/restaurant. Here’s Al Gore pointing at a slideshow with visual representations of the ozone. Here’s Ryan Zimmerman above it all. Hotter than hell.
Travis Shaw – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 4th homer in the last five games. …Okay, here’s Ryan Zimmerman. Then you have Travis Shaw flicking boogers at Al Gore’s slideshow, spraying an aerosol can and changing signs that read “Please Recycle” to “Nonrecyclable,” because he just don’t care he’s so hot!
Eric Thames – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .415. Right now, there’s someone on the phone with the Nats’ Michael Taylor saying, “Listen, you go to Korea, play your butt off and come back and do a Thames.” ‘Do a Thames’ is now a thing.
Jett Bandy – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer and his 4th homer in two weeks. Okay, I’ve seen enough. Goodbye, Miguel Montero, Travis d’Whatever, Placeholder Schmohawk Catcher and welcome to the Albright All-Stars, Jett Bandy!
Carlos Martinez – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.76. Do the Cards have to ruin at least one starter a year? Fine, but you already took Alex Reyes! Kidding, I’d buy C-Mart. Unless he’s injured (which I don’t think he is), his numbers say he should be better.
Jedd Gyorko – 3-for-3, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. He won’t appear in this afternoon’s Buy column, but he could’ve easily with the loss of The Superfluous H. Gyorko should now play every day for two weeks.
Danny Duffy – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.32. I told you this yesterday, but samesies for Duffy about going against the Rangers. The entire team is struggling. Oh, and Royals aren’t much better so, yeah, whatever to: Andrew Cashner – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.38.
Wil Myers – 2-for-3 and his 4th homer. Meh, he was so the first ten days of the season. Hit nine homers and then you can get in Thames’ spotlight.
Austin Hedges – 2-for-3, 2 runs, and his 3rd homer, hitting .170. I officially have three more homers from my catcher in a 12-team NL-Only league than a 12-team mixed league.
James Paxton – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER. That might knock Paxton back out of the top 15 for JB’s pitcher ranks. I’m throwing shade like a parasol!
Trevor Plouffe – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 3rd homer this week. Plouffe goes the dynamite! Plouffe tends to get hot for stretches, so could be a hot schmotato here.
Mike Trout – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .333. This guy’s pretty good, where have I heard his name before?
Matt Shoemaker – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.98. The Cobbler’s xFIP is at 4.66, his walk rate is near-4, after it was 1.7 last year, and his K/9 is down too. I.e., The Cobbler comes à la no’d.
Lance McCullers – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.38. I’m reminded of Kendrick Lamar’s new song, Humble. If I may, I recommend the Astros play it during McCullers’ starts. Specifically, the chorus: Hol’ up, hol’ up, hol’ up, hol’ up, hol’ up, hol’ up, sit down. Hol’ up, hol’ up, hol’ up, hol’ up, hol’ up, sit down. Hol’ up, be humble. Here’s me when McCullers come to the mound:
Chris Devenski – 2 1/3 IP, 1 ER, and the save, ERA at 1.35. He has 25 Ks and one walk in 13 1/3 IP. Ya know, just a 140 K pace in 75 IP. His xFIP is 0.35. An xFIP so low and badass it taps you on your right shoulder while having sex with your girlfriend behind your left shoulder. Devenski is about as automatic as you can get right now. He won’t get many saves, but he’s a must own everywhere.
Carlos Beltran – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer, hitting .259. He left the game early but I found no mention of an injury. Every time an older player leaves early I have a visit from DLzebub. I’m farting in your general direction, Matt Holliday.
Hector Neris – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save while Benoit worked the 8th (1 IP, 0 ER). After the game, the Phils’ manager said this, “You hear it a lot these days, about how pitchers are being used differently with different teams. I just look at it like this: It’s nice to have two guys I trust in the eighth and the ninth. I trust both of those guys. I just seized the opportunity to try it tonight.” Try what? Confuse the players of their role? So, Neris could be the new closer, or he’s not. The Phils’ manager won’t say one way or the other because, ya know, that’s what jinxes closers. It’s not the actual pitching in the ninth, it’s the naming of the closer. Man, managers are dumb.
Maikel Franco – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .172. If anyone is looking to sell him for fifty cents on the dollar, I’d be all over that like white on Trump supporters.
Tommy Joseph – 3-for-4, 1 run. Has done next to nothing so far, but this could be the light shining through. Wait, The Shining is the wrong Stephen King book for To-Jo.
Yoenis Cespedes – Has a hamstring injury that the Mets don’t think is serious, but the Mets doctors once said a torn elbow tendon was a bruised groin, so we’ll see. It really feels like the universe is conspiring to give Conforto at-bats. Let him play! Let him play!
Jeurys Familia – 1 P, 0 ER as he returned from his 15-game suspension. For every out he records this year, I will write one derogatory word about his behavior. That is my vow. Kinda like his vow to love, honor and be nightmarish. Today, he faced off with the Phils. Their fans have been known to throw batteries at players, and Familia is known for battery.