Yesterday was the first day of autumn; this demands a poem. I call this, “Naked Prince Fielder Has The Definition Of Melted Tootsie Rolls.” The passing of summer; it’s a total bummer. Word, word, word; man, I’ve gotten dumber. Michael Brantley was da bomb; Napoli’s mom has got it going on. Jose Abreu would’ve been a sweet draft pick; Frank Thomas sued him for copyright infringement. Kershaw’s FIP is 1.87 on all hitters; Sonny Gray’s got selective dyslexia, using my teams for his personal shitter. Everything will be okay in this final week; Avisail Garcia is on a streak! Garcia went deep twice yesterday for his 6th and 7th homers. If he’s out there, of course you grab him. I’d prefer to talk about Avisail Garcia for 2015 fantasy baseball. He was a preseason sleeper this year, and he will be again in fifteen-after-twenty because he missed five months this year with an injury. Yes, he looks like Miggy, but he doesn’t act like Miggy. He’s a 20/20 type guy without killing you on average. In this injury-plagued year, his stats don’t look exactly as he has in the past, but that’s probably due to shutting it down in April and starting it up in August. I wouldn’t be surprised if in a few years we look back at this year and see how it didn’t portend anything. Unless he really did learn how to take a walk, as he’s shown this year. Though, I kinda doubt it. I expect he’s a line drive machine, 17-20 homer and 15-steal guy with a solid-enough average. Think what you were expecting from Brantley, rather than what you ended up with. Now smoke a spliff! Oh, wait, I stopped rhyming about ten lines ago. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Marcus Semien – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. I look forward to the day Semien wins a game with a walk-off homer and his players greet him with a whipped cream pie, only it’s not whipped cream.
Ryan Zimmerman – 2-for-3, 1 RBI as he was activated from the DL on Saturday, then sat out on Sunday. If you’re banking on Zimmerman to save your season, Mr. Potter’s just been named your bank’s president and you’re trapped in a city where everyone sounds like Jimmy Stewart.
Stephen Strasburg – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks. The good news is his ERA is down to 3.23. The bad news is there’s no pitchers with an ERA over 3.23. The encouraging news is the bad news was an exaggeration. The less hopeful news is he probably won’t throw anywhere near a full game his next time out. The old news is he’s still terrific. The new news is you sound like a stutterer.
Rafael Soriano – 1 IP, 1 ER and the save. Storen had thrown the previous two days, so this was prolly just a break for him. Plus, Rafael Sorry-yo still looked like the corpse of his former self.
Marcell Ozuna – Left yesterday’s game with an ankle sprain and is likely done for the season. OZUNA’s doctor orders rest. OZUNA need to put foot up on ottoman. Ozuna need to find man named Otto.
Mike Minor – Left Saturday’s game with shoulder discomfort. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s had shoulder issues for longer than just this weekend. He missed the first month with shoulder tendinitis and hasn’t looked right the entire season. Maybe this offseason the Braves will look at whether injuries to Beachy, Medlen, Venters and Minor have anything to do with Fredi Gonzalez throwing guys way past the point of exhaustion and other questionable moves. “Hey, Fredi, glad you could come in today for your performance review. Let’s start with B.J. batting leadoff for a month.” “I’ve brought dozens of studies that show I was right leading off with B.J.” “Those aren’t studies, those are Penthouse Letters.”
Jason Heyward – Has been out since Wednesday and wouldn’t be surprised if he’s done for the season. The Braves clubhouse just got a little more somber. Not because it’s anything serious with Heyward, but now the players can’t meet the Heyward, B.J. lineup card with ‘Heywood Jablowme.’
Ervin Santana – 5 IP, 5 ER. If Ervin’s magic, it’s as done by the clown in Capturing the Friedmans.
Jacob deGrom – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks. I just went over my deGrom fantasy last week. Nothing’s changed, except the darkening of the yellow in your pit stains.
Kirk Nieuwenhuis – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI. Who’s Huis?! Kirk Nieuwenhuis!
Curtis Granderson – 2-for-3, 3 runs, hitting near-.350 in the last week with a homer on Saturday. We all know how I feel about Grandy in the big picture, but there’s a week’s worth of games left, so the big picture’s out the window like your leftovers if you’re Armenian.
Dallas Keuchel – 8 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA down to 2.93 as the Astros shut him down for the year. According to our Player Rater (and common sense), if you owned Keuchel and Collin McHugh (6 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.73), you were better off than with Yu Darvish and Scott Kazmir.
Jake Marisnick – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, his 2nd in as many games and has 4 steals in the last ten games. I grabbed him already in one league because he’s a certified hot schmotato.
Alex Presley – 3-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 5th steal while hitting his 6th homer on Saturday. Astros don’t play him every day, but if you have room to platoon Presley on your fantasy team, I’d give him a shot. Just like he put a shot into his TV.
Jonathan Villar – 2-for-3 and his 17th steal. Where did this young brother go? Has he been playing all year? Not to answer but to ruminate. Villar has two steals in his last two games, so if you’re desperate for SAGNOF, go for it.
Hisashi Iwakuma – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER. Watching him the last few games is like watching Apollo vs. Drago and McClendon is just holding the stupid towel. Throw the towel in, Lloyd! I said I wouldn’t own Iwakuma anymore after his last start, but then people asked me about him yesterday, so *raspberries lips* whatever. Do what you want, I’m gonna take a spritz.
Michael Saunders – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Hey, it’s the poor man’s Michael Brantley. I will call him, Michael Constipatedly
Carlos Beltran – Season is likely over. Backdate this to April.
Masahiro Tanaka – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks as he was activated from the DL to see if he should’ve just stayed on the DL. This was one of the wackiest decisions recently. The Yanks essentially activated Tanaka just to see if he was injured. So, what did him throwing 5 1/3 IP prove? In summation, I don’t know. I guess he was healthy, but I’ll still be downgrading him next year.
Brian McCann – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and two homers (21, 22). Not bad for a change, I’ll call him Brian Obama!
Brett Gardner – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 17th homer. He’s been less than wonderful since he’s returned from his abdomen injury, but now has back-to-back games with hits, so, if he was dropped, I’d look at grabbing him back up.
Derek Jeter – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 10th steal. This was the last game of the next to last series for Jeter in Yankee Stadium or so said every media outlet.
Jose Reyes – 3-for-4, 2 runs and two steals (29, 30). This is merely speculation by me, but I could see the Yankees getting Reyes to replace Jeter. Or maybe Rollins. The Yanks need an over-the-hill All-Star shortstop and the market is scarce. Can Trammel still hit?
Corey Kluber – 8 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 14 Ks, ERA at 2.53. “DiscussKluberion.” “No, Siri, I want a discussion around Kluber. Ugh, forget it.” “Sorry, I don’t know where to get Ughfor.” Has there been any other starter this year that seems to up his ability to please from game to game? It’s like, “Well, that was awesome, can’t get any better,” then — bam, it’s better! Corey, you’re silly, let’s make love.
Jose Ramirez – 2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs. Been pretty yawnstipating over the last week, but if you’re desperate, I’d prefer take a chance on a guy that just had multiple hits, then not.
Vance Worley – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, lowering his ERA down to 2.93. The Vanimal has a sub-3 ERA?! Lower the mound! Or have pitchers throw from 2nd base! Or make it clearer that after hitters are tested a second time they can then do steroids! And if they are being told, have the testing agent wink more histrionically! Worley gets the anemic Reds next time out and the Stream-o-Nator is pretty meh on it, but I could see starting him there.
Wily Peralta – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA down to 3.62. Since his K-rate is under 7, 3.62 is overstating how good he’s been. Then again 16 wins does help his value. Trying to pin him down, and, well, guess that’s why he’s so Wily. Stream-o-Nator loves his last start, and, while I don’t usually like him, I’d give him a whirl there.
Nick Markakis – Has been sitting out because his shoulder is sore and the O’s locked up the division. Adam Jones also sat yesterday due to the playoffs around the corner. Not your H2H playoffs, the players don’t care about those. Any the hoo! I look forward to the Orioles being eliminated in the first round, then going all the way next year after they replace Showalter with Torre.
Miguel Gonzalez – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks. *turns to the mirror* You’re handsome, but that was not your best stream.
David Lough – 2-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 3rd start in the last week. With the O’s resting their regulars, it could give Lough man on the totem pole some starts. He’s not much more than SAGNOF, but if your league is deep and you’re struggling to find ABs, go for it.
Delmon Young – 2-for-4 and his 2nd steal. The hypnotherapy work done on Delmon to brainwash him into thinking each base is a powdered donut has paid off nicely.
Mookie Betts – 2-for-5 and his 5th homer and the caught stealing for the busted dine and dash on the slam & legs. “Ow, that doesn’t fit!” That’s the round hole being force-fed a square peg.
Rusney Castillo – 1-for-4 and his 1st steal. “I think I’m going to skip Mike Trout and take with my first pick…Rusney Castillo!” That’s a Son of Sam Horn insanely jazzed for Rusney next year. Prepare yourself to not draft Rusney as he almost certainly will be overrated.
Jurickson Profar – Shut down with shoulder soreness. He hurt his shoulder tagging in on a Ron Washington threesome. Infidelity will ruin the very fabric of our lives, or at least admitting to it.
Alex Rios – Shut down for the season. Now all that is left for him to do is: get ignored by me in all drafts next year and then have a huge bounce back. Rios, I look forward to you pissing me off next year in new and different ways.
Ryan Rua – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer, after having a four-hit night on Friday. Will have to wait until next year for Rua to face Ryu as the world folds in on itself, but you don’t have wait that long to grab Rua. Rua hot? Oh, hell’s yeah.
Michael Cuddyer – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer. If I were Cuddyer, I’d take a 50% pay cut and play again for the Rockies with a shizzton of incentives. That would probably make too much sense for everyone involved.
Wilin Rosario – 2-for-3, 3 runs. Where was this in April? May? June? The month that comes after June that I can’t remember and the month after that?!
Drew Stubbs – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 1 RBI and… cut! Okay, put all the sandbags in the U-Haul and wrap up your Rockies hitters, they’re on the road the rest of the year.
Mark Trumbo – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 10th and 11th homer. Trumbo should’ve had those homers by the end of April. *falling asleep, wavy lines* April 30th and Trumbo just hit his 10th and 11th homers and I just moved into first in all my leagues. *shoots up in bed* Oh, damn, it was a dream. Back in 8th place. Sad Trumbo.
Scott Kazmir – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER. Well, you were the one that sold your soul for a full season of Kazmir. Should’ve taken the abridged ace season.
Josh Donaldson – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 28th homer. Solid season. Amazing season when you consider only ten players have 30 homers. There’s only two NL hitters with 30 homers! Hahahahaha *breathe, Grey, breathe* Oh, man, lost it there for a second.
A.J. Burnett – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER. When he decided not to retire, did he mean not retire hitters?
Luis Valbuena – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting over .300 in the last week, and has multiple hits in three of his last four games. Yeah, I don’t know either, but if he’s hot, then that’s all you need to know.
Matt Kemp – 4-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 23rd homer, hitting .286 on the year and now has 4 homers in the last eight games. Doesn’t it seem like he missed some time due to injury? He played the whole year. Doesn’t it also seem like he had a disappointing year? Well, relative him, I guess it has been, but relative to other players, he’s a top 15 outfielder on our Player Rater. Granted with the dearth of offense, that puts him around other guys like Werth, Cespedes and Chris Carter (!).
Yasiel Puig – 2-for-5, 4 runs and his 10th steal. It’s nice to pile on stats at the end of the season when so many people that drafted you have already been eliminated. Very, very nice. A Puig is a player that don’t fly straight.
Juan Uribe – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting near-.400 in the last week. He got ramped up in Coors earlier in the week, and kept it going through Wrigley. If you’re deciding between Valbuena and Uribe, I feel for you, even though you’re the one in the dark grasping at straws.
Norichika Aoki – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and had two hits on Friday too. I told you to grab this hot schmotato on Friday, and I maintain his schmotatoness.
Rick Porcello – 3 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA up to 3.31. Stream-o-Nator hated yesterday’s start, but loves his next one, getting the tingles in a silly place. And I crinkle my nose wherever Porcello goes, I always know, he’s just so, I don’t know, there ya go.
Ian Kinsler – 1-for-4 and his 16th homer, and his 2nd homer in the last three games. Get hot for the last week and I won’t draft you next year, but I also won’t have any hard feelings. You have my promise.
Tyson Ross – Will miss his next start, which basically shuts him down for the season. Will be interesting to see where he’s drafted next year after having a 2.81 ERA and a K per inning this year. I’m guessing he’ll still come at a discount since most fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!) have a blind spot for all things Padres when they should only ignore their hitters. Those that don’t ignore their hitters run the risk of being labeled a Gyorko.
Todd Frazier – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 27th homer. He’s swinging my projected stats with his bat. One time. Strumming my pain with his counting stats. Two times.
Jay Bruce – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 17th and 18th homers. Maybe Bruce finally asked for help from Frazier. If Bruce hits 12 homers this week, we’ll be cool. If he hits one thru 11 homers this week, I’m sending him a turd in a box to symbolize the turd he was in the batter’s box all year. He doesn’t deserve such poetic symbolism, but I will be the bigger man.
Joey Votto – His return this season seems doubtful. Votto said, “I was hoping to get in there and take a base on balls, but I’m not pain free. You need to be 100% to not swing the bat. The worst thing you can do is be in there, when you’re not at your best, and hold on a pitch off the outside corner.”
