The ax fell yesterday on Luis Severino‘s elbow. That ax was wielded by Dr. James Andrews, who was wearing a Jason mask at the time of the news conference. A reporter stands, “Doc, do you think Severino can avoid Tommy John surgery?” Dr. James Andrews, breathy like Kathleen Turner with an unmistakeable Charleston accent, “I do declare,” Dr. James Andrews pats his mask with a handkerchief, “Severino’s time under the knife will be short, but his stay on the Injured List long.” He then scratched his arm with the ax and accidentally ripped his doctor’s lab coat. “If there’s no further questions, I will be going,” Dr. James Andrews stood, sticking out his arms in a Jason pose, and slowly left the stage. So, Severino and Dr. James Andrews have been acquainted and if you drafted Severino early, you’re ess oh el as they say in Acronyms R’ Us chatrooms. I’ve removed Severino from the top 40 starters and top 500 for 2020 fantasy baseball. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this offseason in fantasy baseball:

Jordan Montgomery – With Severino and Paxton’s injuries, I’ve decided to add Montgomery into my rankings, but my first step in trying to figure out my thoughts on him led me down a trail of broken dreams about his Tommy John surgery in 2018, and shoulder issues last year. Sorta like Chris Davis, Montgomery’s already got three strikes against him. He used to work with four pitches, and, in his last full season, he was a cheap, valuable starter, so I’m not out on him for a flyer, but expecting more than 100 IP from a guy who hasn’t throw in 18 months is silly and the Yankees do have other options. He was added into my top 100 starters.

Aaron Judge – Dealing with crankiness of his shoulder. Maybe get his shoulder a snack; its blood sugar might be low. I haven’t moved Judge in my rankings (yet), but I’m avoiding until there’s positive news.

Mike Clevinger – Out with a partial tear of his meniscus. I have a partial tear just below my eye that I got in San Quentin. I miss you, lockdown buddies! First and last, man, first and last! (That’s prison talk.) I wasn’t drafting Clevinger in any leagues this year, and this obviously doesn’t change that. Just annoyed more people didn’t draft Clevinger in early drafts, but a little birdy named Donkey Teeth told me someone in his draft drafted Clevinger in the 4th round, which is just goofy. Updated my top 40 starters, moving Clevinger way down.

Carlos Carrasco – Day-to-day with a mild hip flexor strain. Haven’t changed his ranking in my top 40 starters, but I also said I’m not drafting him, so, if you planned on drafting him and naming your team I Did It All For The Cookie, I’d rethink your life goals.

Domingo Santana – Signed with the Indians. Now the Indians just need to trade for Danny Santana and they’ll have enough Santanas for a throuple. If you’re not in a throuple nowadays, what are you even doing? Seriously, hit me up with the info of how you’re doing it. So, Domingo should have an everyday job in Cleveland, but he should’ve had an everyday job for five of the last six years and only completed the task once, so I gave him a semi-partial season of at-bats in my top 100 outfielders. He could be a steal late, or just a 5th outfielder you want to drop by June, as he’s been for a while now.

Dustin MayDodgers announced he would not make the rotation out of camp, but he will be used as a starter and not a reliever, which was the plan all along, so nothing’s changed in my top 80 starters. May will just replace Wood by, uh, May, so keep that in mind if you’re drafting him.

Freddie Freeman – Will rest a few days, due to inflammation in his elbow. Here’s more or less what I said on Sirius yesterday, “Freeman had surgery in October on his elbow, then spent all offseason resting it. Once he ramped up baseball activities, he felt pain. This is bad news. What happens when he has to play 150+ games in the season? Will he be able to? I’m officially worried. *big cackle ending my segment*” And that’s me quoting me! I haven’t yet moved Freeman down in the rankings, but I’d also likely skip him in drafts until we heard some positive news.

Brian Dozier – Signed by the Padres. Dozier, The Human Hammock, has hit 20+ homers every year since 2014, and now I’m concerned about the Padres’ everyday 2nd base job. Dozier is not my *pinkie to mouth* Profarence. I’ve added Dozier into my top 20 2nd basemen.

Vladimir Guerrero Jr.Jays have said they envision Glad Vuerrero Jr. coming to the plate for cleanup, and Vlad said, “Hey, I’ve slimmed down!” Guys and five girls, Lourdes Gurriel Jr. is batting third and going to be a huge value. See also my Lourdes Gurriel Jr. sleeper.

Alex Verdugo – Dealing with a stress fracture of his back. Verdugo had a back injury last year, and now is claiming to have a stress fracture? The Red Sox are saying it’s not a long-term concern. He hasn’t played since August 4th and it’s not long-term? You say so! I’ve moved Verdugo back down into my top 80 outfielders to exactly same place he was before the trade.

Tony Watson – Gabe Kapler said the Giants would use a committee to close games. Kapler said it while flapping his arms at 80 strokes/second and sipping the nectar from a carved-out pineapple Pablo Sandoval was wearing as a helmet. Yeah, no shizz Watson’s in a committee. Kapler did that nonsense in Philly for a few years, lost many games with it, but was hired again, so why would he think it’s bad? Watson and Shaun Anderson have saves in my top 500, but Watson is still only one I’m owning in shallower leagues.

Miles Mikolas – After a full offseason of rest, his forearm is still bothering him. Well, at least the flag next to his name is the same color as his team. I’ve moved him way down into the top 100 starters.

Brock Holt – Signed with the Brewers. Let’s recap who the Brewers have signed or traded for this offseason. This is going to be fun (for non-Brewers fans). They now have Holt, Justin Smoak, Avisail Garcia, Eric Sogard, Omar Narvaez, Luis Urias, Jedd Gyorko, Josh Lindblom, Brett Anderson, Eric Lauer, Jace Peterson, Ryon Healy and Keon Broxton. What a ragtag group of recycled garbage. Hey, I like Urias, Narvaez and Avisail too. Dot dot dot. To a certain extent. If this was the Yankees’ offseason, Yankees fans would be sitting outside of Cashman’s house late at night with a sharpened scorer’s pencil. This year’s lineup in Milwaukee is gonna have a mafia flare to it:  Yelich, Keston and whatever fell off the truck.

Stephen Piscotty – Dealing with what sounds like an oblique injury, but it’s so…oblique. When they asked Stephen, it turned out Piscotty doesn’t know! Piscotty doesn’t know! In my top 100 outfielders, I said Piscotty no longer feels like a starting outfielder. This confirms vs. denies my position.

Jonathan Lucroy – Signed to be the backup catcher in Boston. Have heard female Sawx fans are already flooding morning sports radio with anger. “Why’d we get Lucroy? That fahkin’ seltzer crap can’t hold a candle to White Claw!” Lucroy was updated in the top 20 catchers.

Matt Magill – Experiencing shoulder discomfort. That’s great for a closer! Whee! Mariners will be awesome! I’ve already drafted Art Warren, Yoshihisa Hirano and Sam Tuivailala in different leagues.

Mitch Haniger – Can’t do much of anything for another month. Dude’s entire career has been derailed by his injury. That’s nuts!

Adalberto MondesiRoyals said Mondesi is able to perform all duties. Wait a second, he’s able to do a doody while doing a free solo climb up El Capitan?! Whoa! Okay, seriously, I ranked Mondesi in my top 20 expecting him to be ready to start the season, and he will. By the end of March, Mondesi will be going so high in drafts, you’re getting a steal (literally) in early drafts.

J.D. Davis – Headed for an MRI today. Left yesterday’s game with what the Mets are deeming a ‘jammed shoulder,’ but the Mets’ doctors are Smuckers who can’t distinguish jams from how to preserve anything. We need a tightly formed hexagonal prayer group, because I’ve already drafted Davis once, and wrote a J.D. Davis sleeper.

Seth Lugo – Fractured his pinkie toe in his hotel room. The Ramada Inn wants you to believe there’s no down side to putting Wii Soccer in every hotel room.