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Gnats are bringing up their 1st rounder from 2020, Cade Cavalli, who sounds like someone from Laguna Niguel who is on The Hills: Rebooted. “Hey, Cade, I know you drove my Ferrari last night into our pool, and your father and I are not mad, but Dad is disappointed, and I’m too zoinked on quaaludes to really care.” Kristin Cavallari’s new boy-toy, Cade Cavalli will make his MLB debut on Friday. He made the top 100 fantasy baseball prospects for dynasty leagues. Does that mean his pitches dy…*pinkie to mouth*…nasty?! Die nasty? No? Yeah, I don’t know either. Here’s what Itch said previously, “A late convert to full-time pitching, Cavalli brought some untapped upside to the MLB draft and landed at 22nd overall to the Nationals, who are never afraid to snag a first-round arm talent with question marks. Cavalli thrived as a pro and climbed three levels, dominating in A+ and AA before getting knocked around in his first tour through Triple-A. Cavalli suppressed home runs and induced ground balls all year, striking out 175 batters in 123.1 innings along the way. He’s a thick 6’4” 235 and looks like a linebacker on the mound. Love to see him flatten Grey.” Not cool, man! That was from the preseason, and Cavalli has looked much better this year in Triple-A. With all that said (here’s where I reveal I just wasted your time), I’m not grabbing Cavalli in any mixed leagues, but I will be cyclops’ing him. Especially if he’s hanging with Heidi, Spencer and Lauren. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

George Kirby – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.32. As I always say, pitching against one of the worst teams in history, the Nats, isn’t a terrible thing for a pitcher. It’s a famous saying of mine. That and “P to the erhaps.”

Julio Rodriguez – 1-for-4 and his 20th homer, as he joins the 20/20 club. The 9th player to do it who is 21 years of age and younger. He is Himothy. Himothy Cricket. Himothy Eat World. Himothy Smits in The West Wingothy.

Jose Ramirez – 3-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 24th and 25th homer. Feel like he’s been pretty quiet in the 2nd half. Now I will check my vague memory vs. reality in what I call, “Reality vs. Grey!” Exclamation mark is a part of the show title. Anyway, in this episode of Reality vs. Grey!, Grey wins! Jo-Ram has not been great in the 2nd half. Wait, that means Reality is right too. Hold on, how can Reality ever be wrong?

Oscar Gonzalez – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!

Cal Quantrill – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.59. You get the sense the Guardians aren’t trying  to win and the Padres are desperately, and yet: Baseball. Quantrill is rostered in 75% of ESPN leagues, and is 50% in RCLs, should likely be rostered in more leagues in both scenarios, and makes me want to say Vinnie Pasquantrillo. Sobbing, they took my boy Vinnie from us!

Blake Snell – 3 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.24. Honestly, there’s few guys I enjoy watching get rocked more than Snell. I also kinda love seeing the Padres suck, after they went out of their way to get good at the deadline. I just love the agony of defeat, like an opposite world Quentin Tarantino.

Lucas Giolito – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.14. A Quality Start? From Lucas Giolito? Are we sure it wasn’t Lucas Giolita? His much younger sister? Was it Lookus Giolito? His poorly-disguised Witness Protection doppelgänger? It couldn’t have been Lucas Giolito, the White Sox pitcher. Impossible!

Cole Irvin – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.16 vs. Jesus Luzardo – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.34. How does that saying go, “Red sky in the morning, sailors take warning. Miami vs. Oakland in the afternoon, streamers go to Horntown.” I don’t think that’s the saying. Streamers go-a-streamin’? Streamers take delight, when it’s A’s vs. Marlins and not night? Yeah, maybe that’s it. Streamonator predicted for this game, “Will anyone score so this game eventually ends? Maybe, maybe not.”

Dany Jimenez – 1 1/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.41, as he blew the save. Though, what is blowing a save if a team doesn’t have a closer? Sartre, do you have an answer for me?

J.T. Realmuto – 3-for-5 and his 14th homer. Jerry Tomato with a blast? What is this, a new flavor of V-8?

Kyle Farmer – 1-for-5 and his 7th homer. First thing of note for Farmer since The Grapes of Wrath.

Nathaniel Lowe – 3-for-6, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 20th homer. Rangers have four players with 20 or more homers — Seager (2-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs), Semien (2-for-5, 2 runs), Adolis (2-for-6, 1 run, 1 RBI) and Lowe — most of any team. Those were the Rangers’ top four hitters in the lineup yesterday. In related news, if the Rangers skim $500 million in coins out of the fountain at the Bellagio, they’re gonna be beefing up five thru nine in the lineup, too. Picturing Rangers’ GM Chris Young with ankle-high waders that would be up to one’s waist on others, getting into the Bellagio fountain. “I need me another Semien!” That’s Chris Young in the Bellagio fountain.

Martin Perez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.69. Yet another guy who gave top 30 starter-like numbers and was drafted…*scrolling down ADP charts*…holy crap! His ADP was 738th overall. Yeah, man, you definitely need those top starters. 738th overall! Honestly, I don’t believe my own eyes. Are my eyes lying to me? No, I don’t believe they are. He was drafted after Hanser Alberto and Randy Dobnak, to name a few guys who either sound like a cab or drive one for a living.

Mike Trout – 2-for-5 and his 26th homer, hitting .272, and 2nd homer in as many games. Rather than selling the Angels as a whole, Arte Moreno should sell off pieces, and not even to other teams. Can he sell Trout to Bezos and Trout can deliver me packages? Is that possible? Because I’d explore that if I were Arte.

Shane McClanahan – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.20. Would be nice if everyone decided to give Verlander the Cy Young right now, so we can shut down McClanahan and Cease, so they don’t throw too many IP.

Lars Nootbaar – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer, as stays one of the hottest schmotatoes in the league. Nootbaar’s so good I’ve start calling him…Whatchamacallit.

Corey Dickerson – 4-for-4 and eight for his last nine, as he says whatever Nootbaar can do, Dickerson can do nutter-better.

Nolan Arenado – Was ejected in the 3rd inning. Cards’ announcers kept arguing how awful the ump was for smiling after ejecting Arenado. Gonna take the opposite stance. How awesome would it be if umps acted like great heels? Making “ooh ya gonna cry” faces after a close play and laughing hysterically after an ejection.

Rowan Wick – 1 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 4.25 and the win, as he entered the 5th inning. …and it’s officially time to move on. It’s at best Brandon Hughes as the Cubs’ ulcer–I mean, closer, at worst no one.

Willy Adames – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 25th homer. That’s Admiral Willy Adames commanding the Brewerstar taking on the Los Angeles Cylons. *cough* Nerd! *cough*

Hunter Renfroe – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs, and his 23rd homer, as he took Hanser Alberto deep. The Dodgers seem to be the only team that utilizes a position player as a pitcher late in games when it’s up by a lot, but more teams should. Why waste a reliever with that?

Andrew Heaney – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 1.94. He’s so good for roughly 5 1/3 IP. Also, the Dodgers could turn Patrick Corbin into an ace.

Jose Berrios – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.28. Not to undercut everything good Berrios does, though, it’s not that hard since he doesn’t do much good, but his opponent the Red Sox aren’t playing to win as much as they’re like an 11-year-old with a blender. “Ooh…let’s see what happens when we put in orange sherbet, hot fudge and Bobby Dalbec at shortstop.”

Franchy Cordero – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. “…orange sherbet, hot fudge, Bobby Dalbec at shortstop and Franchy at 1st base.”

Trey Mancini – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. Dusty removing his toothpick, “Who put Mancini in the lineup?” Trey’s eyes go wide, as he slowly backpedals out of the dugout.

Jose Altuve – 2-for-4 and his 21st homer. He homered in his first at-bat, after thinking he was intentionally hit the night before. Altuve could have a point, he’s so tiny, it kinda has to be intentional.

Ryan Pressly – After looking Like Mr. Weaksauce, he said he had a stiff neck, and the Astros let Rafael Montero (1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 2.61 in the 9th inning) pick up the Mr. Weaksauce Medal of Free’dem-from-my-team. I’d hold Pressly, and hope he feels better, and grab Montero only if desperate.

Bobby Witt Jr. – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 18th homer. Big Dubya Jr. putting up big dubs!

Brady Singer – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.15. Shush, you’re supposed to be a sleeper next year. Don’t draw attention to yourself.

Daulton Varsho – 1-for-4 and his 17th homer. Not true in even the slightest, but it feels like Varsho was the first guy ever to have catcher eligibility, and get hyped because he was going to start at another position, and make good on that hype.

Christian Walker – 2-for-4 and his 30th homer. He would’ve been great to pick up, and then immediately get hit by a car, because there would be no other way he’d stay on your team.

Brandon Belt – Hit the IL with knee inflammation. So far this year, 8 HRs, 23 RBIs, .213/.326/.350 in 78 games. That’s the kind of contract year you have when you’re like, “Pittsburgh is lovely, I’d like to play there.”

Logan Webb – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.33. After avoiding them last year, Giants have been chased by the Regression Fairies all year, like they’re Harry Styles getting chased by a pashmina salesman.

Matt Manning – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.37. Two of the five starts since he’s returned have been kinda duds. Just checked the Streamonator and it hates Manning. Not sure if it’s a fantasy football thing and it thinks it’s Peyton or Eli, but it hates his next start too at home vs. the Mariners, which doesn’t sound bad.

Oneil Cruz – 1-for-4, hitting .199, as he leads off, which is objectively hilarious. His single in the 3rd was 122.4 MPH off the bat, which is the highest exit velocity in the history of Statcast, beating out Giancarlo. Look at Giancarlo and look at Oneil Cruz. Truly remarkable. Cruz looks like the Road Runner and gets as much torque as the Tasmanian Devil. If Cruz ever makes consistent contact, he will be a top 15 overall bat. Get him off the Pirates!

Kevin Newman – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. He’s on pace for 1.25 homers on the year, so he’s due for one more single. Good luck, Kev!

Kyle Wright – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.99. Facing the Pirates equals “Prayer hands emoji at church with Jesus who is like, ‘I got you, Prayer hands emoji, whatever you want.'”

Matt Olson – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 27th homer, hitting .250. Muslim Elvis Costello singing, “Allah…son, your aim to hit the ball out of the park is true…”

William Contreras – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer. Has half the at-bats and nearly as many homers as his brother. So, on an unrelated note, that is baseball related, I went down a rabbit hole yesterday. Or rather, a nerd hole, and I contacted the guy who watches over Statcast for MLB about the Michael Chavis homer on Tuesday. My issue was, a home run was being marked as .090 xBA. If a ball goes over the fence, it should have a 1.000 xBA. Or at least better than .090. It was a home run! I get that expected is not “outcome,” but if you’re expecting a ball that travels, say, 450 feet to have an expected batting average of below .100, then something is wrong. What I found out in short is xBA is flawed. xStats don’t account for horizontal angle, which is a problem. If someone hits the ball high and the wind carries it (or, honestly, it doesn’t need wind), and the ball should’ve stayed in the yard, based on angle and exit velocity, but leaves the park, it doesn’t look great on xBA. The Statcast guy did concede it needs work, saying, “There’s updates planned that will better account for angle, but parks have different dimensions. sometimes you get one blown way out (or not) in the wind.” Watching closely to xBA over the last few days and I think I’m gonna try to shy away from using it. For unstints, Oneil Cruz’s 122.4 MPH rocket hit off the wall in a split second, and should’ve been a .999 xBA at worst, but was .820. Quibbling, perhaps, but you add .999 to a larger sample size or .090 vs. adding .820 or 1.000 enough times, and results are skewed. Or as our writer C.A. James said, “Am I finding out that xBA has less context than an average social media user furiously replying to an article they did not read?”