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Hope everyone had a good Labor Day. I stood on my lawn hugging a tree for 20 minutes until someone told me I was thinking of Arbor Day. I told them I just love trees, not letting on that I absolutely confused the two days. On Labor Day, we give thanks to all the women out there who took hours to birth us. During labor, your hoohay may have been dilated–*intern whispers in ear*–Okay, that’s not what Labor Day is about either. It’s about work, and rest, but if you ask me, if you give people a day off, then they start to like that too much and don’t like labor as much, so Labor Day should be a work day. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk where I would get booed. The Phils understood what I meant, and they did work on Labor Day. Brad Miller (3-for-5, 3 runs) hit his 16th and 17th homer, leading the way, and he’s been hot ever since he took over the strong side of the 1st base platoon, and is worth a hot schmotato grab. Next up, Jean Segura (3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs) hit his 11th homer, a grand slam, and is hitting .295 on the year, but with only nine steals, he’s been yawnstipating at best. Then, Freddy Galvis (1-for-3) hit his 12th homer, and 3rd homer in the last four games. Here’s what I said yesterday, “Best part about Galvis is he gets super hot for a week at a time. The 2nd best part is you can beat someone in your H2H playoffs with Freddy Galvis, which will totally piss them off.” And that’s me quoting me! Finally, Bryce Harper (1-for-4, 2 RBIs) hit his 28th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Check out Bryce hitting a non-solo homer. A Labor Day miracle! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Zack Wheeler – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.91. Currently leads the major leagues in innings, and seems like the only lock for 200 IP. Though, others are in the conversation: Buehler (179), Wainwright (176), and *squinting to try to find someone else* I guess Alcantara (171 2/3), though I’d limit Sandy and Walker if I were their managers. Wainwright’s a robot, I’d let him throw as many as he wanted.
Kolten Wong – 1-for-4 as he returned from paternity list where he and his wife, Alissa, welcomed a child. Yes, that means his wife is Alissa Wong. Sounds like she has one foot out the door. She could at least be Alissa to buy.
Luis Gil – Will start on Wednesday. He gets the Jays, which won’t be the easiest start, but I’m still pronating toe to Gil and hot-footing it to waivers to grab him.
Jameson Taillon – 7 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.41. The strict definition of a ticker shock is when a pitcher gives up unearned runs and you have a heart attack thinking they were earned, but this Taillon box scare isn’t too far off. I saw this game, and I even thought Taillon gave up more runs in the 8-0 loss, and they were all earned. Any hoo! Streamonator likes his next start, and I could see it.
Marcus Semien – 2-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 36th and 37th homer. With each Semien blast, the Jays should shoot lotion into the stands. In home games, at least, but it would be a, uh, baller move to Semien blast road fans.
Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 3-for-5 and his 40th homer. Cake Batter is the fourth youngest with 40 homers behind only Eddie Matthews, Joe DiMaggio and Johnny Bench. Bench and two ghosts are laughing at all of you who thought Vlad was a 25-homer hitter just because he looked like that when he was only 21.
Teoscar Hernandez – 1-for-3, 2 runs and a slam (25) and legs (10). The Teoscar for the Most Garbage Time Homer Goes to…Teoscar! For his 9th inning blast vs. the Not That Amazing Kriske.
Hyun-Jin Ryu – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.77. If you started the very up-and-down-this-year Ryu in Yankee Stadium, may your grapes be oversized yet still always fit in your pants.
Ian Happ – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer. Another week, another Happ hot streak. We should strap some heart monitors to 100 fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!) and see what their pulse does when you say “Ian Happ 2022.” I bet you five duckets their heartbeat races.
Justin Steele – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.75. Streamonator hates his next start, and I’d be just out on Justin.
Pete Alonso – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 30th homer. Albombso!
Edwin Diaz – 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.93, and his 6th blown save. If I were the Mets — and praise every higher power that I’m not — I’d go get a closer this offseason, and move Edwin to the 8th inning.
Darin Ruf – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer, as he led off. For those that doubt me when I say the Giants have a genie in their clubhouse making sure they win no matter what, I repeat to you, they hit Darin Ruf at leadoff and he has a .400+ OBP, so it actually makes sense. Oh, and to prove he’s a leadoff guy he tripled.
Thairo Estrada – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 5th and 6th homer, and last homered on Thursday. Did you grab him off The Wire? Because when you pitch to the king, you best not miss! Yo, heaven, Omar comin’. RIP.
Kevin Gausman – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.58. When a guy goes into Coors and pitches as well there as anywhere else, he solidifies himself as an ace.
Buster Posey – 2-for-5 and his 17th homer. Is it me or does everyone say his name like Uncle Luke: Buster Posey, Bust-Buster Posey.
Garrett Hampson – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer. This guy always has great Septembers, which I say without looking up any stats. I think I’m right because every March everyone is like, “Garrett Hampson is on my list of breakouts because: Did you see his September?”
Trevor Story – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer. Everything Trevor Story does feels like it should be followed by “lowercase yay.”
Jorge Polanco – 4-for-5, 2 runs and his 27th homer. Every time I see he’s homered, my brain does this: “Wow, Gregory Polanco is doing great…Wait a second, Gregory Polanco sucks. That can’t be right.”
Michael Pineda – 3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.99, as he’s now piggybacking with Bailey Ober (4 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.00). Ober’s a big boy but to let Pineda piggyback on him is truly hashtag incredible.
Franmil Reyes – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 27th homer, and his 3rd homer in three games. It would be the upper reaches of what he could do, but it also wouldn’t be shocking to see him have a 16-homer September and get to 40 homers on the year.
Jake Meyers – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .319. Solid game, but has been a bit of a 4020 for about two weeks now. He is with the right team to be a disciple of Mr. 4020, Michael Brantley.
Max Scherzer – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 13 Ks, ERA at 2.28. Have “they” been talking about Max Scherzer, 2021 Cy Young? I haven’t seen anything. If Scherzer throws another scoreless 27 IP this year, he ends the year with a sub-2 ERA in 180 IP, how does that not win the Cy Young?
Tarik Skubal – 3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.30. A 50-pitch limit hinders the stream like a kidney stone.
Bryse Wilson – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.60. Streamed him yesterday and, as I was picking him up, I never felt so pathetic. Bryse Wilson, Pirates starter! That’s not sad at all!
A.J. Alexy – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 0.00 thru two starts. Beginning to think his initials stand for Ajust, because that’s what he’s making me do. Ajust Asexy, what are you doing to me, my man? He now is the 1st starter in MLB history to have consecutive scoreless outings and 1 or zero hits allowed to start a career. Eat it, Tyler Gilbert! That is crazy impressive. As I said last time, “Here’s what Podcaster Geoff said to me over text yesterday, “Fastball sits around 93-94, gets nice hop with that Induced Vertical Break, so it’s a high quadrant fastball attack plan. Change is a plus pitch — misses bats, doesn’t get hit and lands it for strikes.The breaking balls are good but he doesn’t have great command, though I’m sure he throws that curveball out of the zone.” And that’s me quoting me quoting Geoff! First Otto, now Alexy. Oh, man, I’m starting to like Rangers’ starters a lot. I went to grab Alexy in one mixed league, and would look at him elsewhere.
Cedric Mullins – 2-for-4 and his 26th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, and the year this dude is having. Brutal miss in the preseason by yours truly. Just absolutely owning the L’s day and night over here.
Cole Sulser – 1 IP, 2 ER and his 3rd blown save, ERA at 3.27. SAGNOF says Saves Ain’t Got No Face, but Sulser sprayed in my face yesterday.
Adalberto Mondesi – 0-for-0 and two steals as a pinch runner. Now has 7 steals, six of which have come in the five days since he returned from the IL. What a Septacular performance, and why he’s always so dang alluring. If he could stay healthy, he’d challenge 70 steals. About to start calling him Adalberto Mafiosi, because every time I think I’m out, he pulls me back in.
Adam Ottavino – 2/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.90 as he entered the 7th (no, it wasn’t a 7-inning game). That was great news for my Garrett Whitlock shares (1 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 1.86). Whitlock, however, was not good news for my Whitlock shares as he coughed up the lead with a mega stupid inside-the-park homer.
Chris Sale – 3 2/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 2.52. He also gave up four unearned for the ticker shock. Finding a Quality Start this year is like finding someone in Los Angeles who appreciates my “Dip me in honey and feed me to the lesbians” t-shirt.
Jose Iglesias – 1-for-1, 1 RBI as he signed with the Red Sox. If the Angels couldn’t find room for Iglesias, there’s no chance for him.
Ryan Yarbrough – 2 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.90. Good news, he didn’t allow any homers! Bad news, how long you got?
Wander Franco – 4-for-6, 3 runs, hitting .290. I wanna be the high man on Wander next year, so currently thinking I might rank him in the top 25 or 15. Wheee!
Nelson Cruz – 3-for-6, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 28th homer. Fun fact! Nelson Cruz is old enough to be Wander’s grandfather.
Austin Meadows – 1-for-5 and his 24th homer, which was an inside-the-park homer. Has there ever been an inside-the-park homer that was a clean defensive play? It’s always like, “Oh, and that ball caroms randomly 250 feet away from the outfielder…let’s see if the 2nd baseman can get out there to field the ball originally meant for the center fielder.”
