Diamondbacks Hate the Snell of No-Hit in the Evening

Saw Blake Snell had a no-hitter through seven innings, but with 107 pitches thrown and I was like, “He can’t throw 90+ pitches so this will be quick,” then I remembered he threw 122 pitches in his last start and 100+ pitches in four of his last five starts, and I began to imagine the unimaginable. *wavy lines* Hey, is this imaging the unimaginable? Cool! Whoa, it’s a party in my honor with a very much alive Rowdy Roddy Piper? This is amazing. Wait, what are you doing? Don’t smash me over the head with a coconut! *wavy lines* Imaging the unimaginable stinks and the unimaginable never happens! They pulled Snell at 107 pitches. Why when he just threw 122 pitches last time? I don’t have the answer. I am the one asking the question. Blake Snell finished with 7 IP, 0 ER, zero hits, 2 walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.31. Snell ended the month of August with 1.72 ERA in six starts, and was his best month since 2018. If he did it last year, he would’ve won a Mickey Mouse Cy Young. But what about 2022, and why does it feel like Blake Snell is so unpredictable he’s become Robbie Ray pre-2021? He can be wildly lights-out or just wild. Maybe Blake Snell can be 2021 Robbie Ray in 2022 as long as it doesn’t mean Robbie Ray becomes pre-2021 in 2022. Why are they even connected? Again, I asked the question, that means I don’t know the answer. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Frank Schwindel – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, hitting .308. That’s Frank Schmotato to you.

Ian Happ – 1-for-4 and his 17th homer, and 3rd homer in five games. People are gonna come back next year after disappearing to fantasy football in August/September and be like, “Ian Happ ended with 25 HRs?!”

Joe Ryan – Will debut today for the Twins, and I grabbed him in one deeper league, because I have ice in my veins! Blood in my eyes! Sorry, now I’m just singing Lil’ Wayne. Ryan has great command, and strikeout stuff. Definitely worth a flyer in deeper leagues, or, well, maybe any leagues.

Hirokazu Sawamura – Hit the Covid IL. He’s the 5th Red Sox player to catch it since last week. Since Hunter Renfroe was away from the club, he’s gonna have to pitch and play eight positions, and, if he does, Shohei will shrug and do the same plus manage!

Xander Bogaerts – Also, hit the Covid IL for the Red Sox, and that makes it six. Bogaerts actually played part of the game, which is just so utterly confounding to me. How are we so far into this thing that we can’t get test results prior to first pitch?

Ryan Yarbrough – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.50. Due to the Streamonator, I grabbed him for this start, and I absolutely will drop him for someone else today. Like a four-year-old shuffling, it’s all hands on deck this time of year.

Randy Arozarena – 1-for-3, 2 runs, and his 18th homer. He’s just passed his 2020 home run total. Wow.

Adalberto Mondesi – Worked out with the Royals at their stadium, and the Royals were like, “Who are you?”

Amed Rosario – 5-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 9th and 10th homer, hitting .290, and one of his homers was an inside-the-parker that happened when Edward Olivares hit the wall and fell down, and I was just listening to the game, not watching, and I heard, “Olivares went down,” and I thought he was sent to the minors again. As for Amed, I grabbed him about six weeks ago in my shallowest league, and I’d take Trevor Story out my lineup before Rosario.

Zach Plesac – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.49. He literally turned his season around as soon as I dropped, which brings me to my question: Why is he watching my waiver wire moves?

Austin Gomber – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.53. I dropped Plesac for Gomber, which explains both of their changes in fortunes, and why I’m trying to climb into a trash compactor.

C.J. Cron – 2-for-4 and his 25th homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games, and third homer in the last five games, and he’s not even in Coors. Look at Curtis Jackson Cron getting in good with da fantasy club.

Ryan McMahon – 1-for-4 and his 20th homer. And you said he retired after April! Liar!

Leody Taveras – 1-for-3 and a slam (2) and double legs (5, 6), and 2nd game in a row with a homer. So, can this hot schmotato Leody only play well in the last 30 games of a season?

Nate Lowe – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. He has two homers in every month since May. Just making it under the wire in August.

Tarik Skubal – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.26. Well, the good news is he didn’t only go 4 2/3 IP, which seems how long every pitcher is going this year. The bad news? Everything else. Streamonator loves his next start, but I’m super gun shy now.

Derek Hill – 3-for-5 and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in the last two games. Deez nuts to think D. Hill can be a hot schmotato? No, not at all. I’ve already added Derek Hill to this week’s Buy column, which will be on the Patreon later today.

Robbie Grossman – 2-for-4 and his 20th homer. Between Zack Short playing short and Grossman being in the Tigers’ lineup, this is the most aptonyms the Tigers have had since Fielder was fielding, and Smyly after he heard about Avisail with Fielder’s wife.

Matt Chapman – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 22nd and 23rd homer. Hadn’t watched a lot of Tigers games this year, but I wanted to see Skubal so I watched yesterday (sorry about that), and the ball was really flying out of the park. Obviously from the two homers, but Chapman didn’t even seem like he hit them that hard.

Jared Walsh – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 25th homer, hitting .265. The last time I saw Walsh do anything The Peach Pit was up and running.

Shohei Ohtani – 0-for-2, 2 runs and two steals (21, 22), one of which was a steal of home. Because of course. Also, in this game, David Fletcher (1-for-4, 1 run) stole two bags (12, 13); Phil Gosselin (1-for-4, 2 RBIs) stole his 2nd and was Gary Sanchez (1-for-4 and his 18th homer) rolling the ball back to the mound. Maybe with how Jameson Taillon (4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.44) was pitching it was smart. Less time Taillon spent with the ball, the better.

Anthony Rizzo – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 18th homer. HR to the Izzo!

Michael Conforto – 1-for-1, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. His home run was a blast to the upper deck as the Mets swept their “months apart” doubleheader. I don’t even know how that April suspended game played out, after looking for a box score (for 15 seconds) and not finding one. Something about Javy Baez losing an earring. Ha, baseball, never change.

Lance Lynn – Hit the IL with “Rodon’s back from the IL after faking an injury and now, as we gear up for the playoffs, we’re going to rest Lynn.” Hopefully it’s a ten-day injury, but it might be a “We really don’t need him to throw anymore regular season innings” injury. This is obviously great news for Reynaldo Lopez.

Lucas Giolito – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 3 hits, 4 walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.69, but left early with hamstring tightness. He winced after a warm-up pitch, and he’ll likely be shut down for a few weeks. Welcome to “Trying To Field A Team During The H2H Playoffs” Season!

Yasmani Grandal – 1-for-2 and his 18th homer, and 4th homer in the last three games. You know this guy, so let me vent about an unrelated topic. The wins stat needs revamping. A starter leaves after 4 2/3 IP of scoreless baseball gets a no decision and the guy who comes in and gets one out gets the Win because he finished the 5th? How does this make any sense? It’s not hard to fix this. Simply give the win to the guy who throws the most innings in a game.

Brandon Belt – 1-for-5 and his 20th homer, and his 9th homer in August. This month was obviously the high-water mark for his season, but he’s been remarkably solid all year–Oh, wait, it’s the San Fran Genies and their stupid wishes!

Mookie Betts – 1-for-2, 2 runs, and his 19th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Everyone has been able to come out of their funk except Cody Belanger.

Joc Pederson – 1-for-2 and his 16th homer, as he returned to Los Angeles. Wonder if Dave Roberts saw him batting 8th and was like, “Geez, he must be struggling,” when Joc is doing exactly what he does every year, he was just never a leadoff hitter.

Zack Greinke – Hit the Covid IL. Greinke said, “This is worse than when they raised the price of guac at Chipotle.”

Lance McCullers – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.20 vs. Yusei Kikuchi – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.12. Think the Mariners are going to come up short with their playoff run, but it has been truly incredible seeing them even come this close. Both of these guys line up to face each other again in Houston, and Streamonator hates Kikuchi there, and I don’t blame the lonely robot.

Abraham Toro – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 10th homer. It was a grand slam off Graveman. I know it was off Graveman because it buried me. Why is it always when you think you’re having a great day it’s killed in the last possible moment?

Andrew McCutchen – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 22nd homer. Dude’s out there on one leg, 15 years older than Cody Belanger–Hahahahaha, I make everything about how much I hate Cody Belanger, don’t I? I’m working through the pain!

Matt Vierling – 4-for-5, 2 runs. Fun fact! Grey thought Matt Vierling was an ESPN broadcaster. So, Vierling is the Phils’ Hoskins replacement vs. lefties, sharing time with the red-hot Brad Miller (1-for-1, 2 RBIs), hitting his 15th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, and third homer in his last five games.

Victor Robles – Optioned to the minors. Thanks to this guy whenever someone says “victory” I can’t help think, “Are they saying it’s very Victor-y Robles? Because that’s bad.” Andrew Stevenson was recalled, but Lane Thomas prolly sees the biggest boost in playing time, so if your league has an at-bats category, lowercase yay. I kid, kinda. Thomas has been decent for deep leagues.

Carter Kieboom – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games. Been saying he’s a schmotato for a while, so I went to look at his rostered percentages on ESPN, and in the last day he’s dropped to 5% rostered. Guessing that’s out of 100%, but out of 10% would make more sense.

Nate Pearson – Will be promoted today to join the Jays’ pen. Pearson of interest? You don’t have to Caviezel me on it!

Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 1-for-4 and his 39th homer, and third homer in two games. Cake Batter back to shakin’ and bakin’.

George Springer – Left with an injury, and I didn’t get to put my “under” bet in for a week until his next injury.

Gregory Polanco – Signed with the Jays. Polanco 2022 All-Star 25/20/.280 season incoming!

Brad Hand – Returned from the bereavement list to find out he was designated for assignment. That’s the worst “talking to the Hand” since Jerry Springer revealed a baby’s daddy was also the daddy’s daddy.